Victim of circumstance

Lisa



AUTHORS NOTES: Ok, this is sort of my opinion of how Lindsay felt through the events that shaped her career and her and Bobby's relationship. It is told entirely from Lindsay's POV, and it may seem like it moves through events quickly, but I only intended to include what I consider the major events. This part deals with Lindsay coming to the firm, and how her and Bobby's relationship' started. I am not trying to take away from Soulmates, Jewel knows my opinion of her writing, I just wanted to take a new approach. Thankyou a whole bunch to Livvy and Jewel for all their encouragement (ie; incessant nagging) and to Ally, who added a whole conversation in here because she knew she could do that bit better, love ya Ally, and I promise not to cyber punch you....lol

DISCLAIMER: DEK and the ABC owns the rights to The Practice and all of it's characters, I just have nothing better to do then steal them and make them my own for a while...especially Bobby mmm...no harm intended.

FEEDBACK: Yes please, especially if it comes with a large serving of fries.

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I don't believe in fate, or destiny or any of that voodoo people with tarot cards and crystal balls try to convince you of. I know that I am avictim of pure circumstance. The only reason I am where I am- which is on a pitchers mound in the middle of Fenway Park- the only reason I am standing here in a beautiful white wedding dress, the only reason I am waiting to marry the love of my life on a baseball field, is because every now and then, the circumstances I speak of have worked in my favour.

What am I talking about? Well I guess I could give you my story. But be warned, I can be extremely long winded when I want to be- which isn't that often- and you might not even find it that interesting. But to circumvent the boredom factor, let me tell you, my story involves sex and drugs and violence and betrayal and…well I'm guessing you're moderately interested now...right? Ok...

My name is Lindsay Dole, I was born to rich parents, who hated each other more than they would ever let on, but loved me all the same. I have a brother, but for the purpose of this story, he isn't important. I was an A+ student all the way through high school, and after I graduated I moved out of home and attended the prestigious Harvard Law School. I lived with a woman named Helen Gamble, she brought me out in every way possible, I stopped hiding inside my shell, and stepped away from my sheltered existence once I met her. Anyway, I graduated top of my class- with honours- and now I had a career path.

Suddenly, I was out in the 'real world' a concept that I had never been able to understand. What is the real world? If this is it, is there a pretend world? All my teachers, from elementary school, to Anderson Pearson, my legal ethics professor, have tossed out vague snippets of advice about the real world. I never got it. "In the real world...." they'd say, and I'd sit there with a blank statement on my face, wondering if perhaps once you left school you would suddenly inherit this knowledge, you know..."for the meaning of life…just add water."

I wish I could explain this confusion better, but to do so, I would have to admit that I don't have all the answers, and I won't do that. I hate to be wrong, it's a bad characteristic, not one I'm proud of, but it's who I am. That's why I decided to be a criminal defence lawyer. I figured that that would be as real as it got, defending the worst of the worst of society, what a wake-up call to the real world that would be. That's probably why I made the decision, I wanted to know the answer to the plaguing question "What makes my world any different to the 'real world.'" No, I needed to know, and I was willing to go as far as I needed to, just to find the answer.

Anyway, there I go getting all long-winded like I promised I would. Some considered it unfortunate that for all my brains and constitutional know-how I wanted to be a defence lawyer. This was my career choice for one reason: I'd had it easy since I'd been born, I'd never felt real, I'd never felt the humanity of a morality conflict, and I had spent my whole life chasing after humanity. And that chase finished up with me standing outside a dirty, chipped-and-flaky walled, where rats fear- to- tread- office. On the door were words that would effect my life in every aspect: Robert.G.Donnel and Associates. Attorneys at Law.

I entered the office, which was a chaotic mess to say the least, and a friendly, but stern looking woman who approached me upon my entry greeted me. "Hi, you must be Lindsay, I'm Rebecca, Bobby's on the phone he won't be a minute." Her sentences all blended into one, and the nervousness and confusion I had so easily contained threatened to overwhelm me and spill out onto the dust cluttered floor. But at the prospect of working here, I couldn't contain my smile, and it must have been noticeable, because a large man stopped in front of me and yelled into the office off to the right "Bobby, you can't hire her, she's a smiler!" He then held out his hand and introduced himself as Eugene young.

Eventually I was ushered into another office, and a man with his back to me told me to "Take a seat, I won't be a minute." I did as I was instructed and sat down, twiddling my fingers as he put something into a file cabinet. The sharp intake of air I breathed in as he turned around was both noticeable and unavoidable. For the record, let me say, I am not easily impressed, but ok- wow. He sat across from me, and our eyes met, they remained locked together for about 30 amazing seconds, then I looked away, not because I wanted to, but because logic forced me to. Thus, our interview had begun.

"So, Miss Dole..."

"It's Lindsay." I said firmly.

"Lindsay. Tell me, why would you want to be a defence lawyer?" He asked. I knew this question would be coming, I was told that it was hard to believe from looking at me that I would want to be a criminal defence lawyer. Never understood that either.

"Well," I started. There was no way I was actually going to tell him the real reason. "I guess I have always loved a challenge, I don't know what my limits are, and I know I'll never find out being stuck in some stuffy law office doing paper work for 110 years, always wondering if I could be doing something a little more meaningful."

He looked at me, smiling. I figured he was pleased with my answer, though he didn't appear to have heard a thing I had said, actually, he didn't seem to have realised I had stopped speaking. Apparently the silence alerted him to...well, alerted him to the silence I guess. Clearing his throat, he began his next question. "Ok. So why this law firm? Surely with your grades you've been offered a lot of positions at prestigious law firms, why here?"

"I don't really know. This just seemed like a place I could actually contribute to, a place where I could feel like what I did was important."

"Let me be honest with you Miss Dole..."

"Lindsay"

"Right. Lindsay. The people we defend here aren't the nicest part of society. I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that a lot of the people you'd be fighting for are guilty, well, less innocent than most anyway. What makes you think you could handle that?"

"Let me ask you something Mr.Donnell." I said in my most authoritative tone

"It's Bobby" He said, smiling cheekily at me, which was absolutely heart melting, imagine how hard it would have been for me to keep my composure, and how thankful I was that I was sitting down.

"Bobby, I'm sure you've had some innocent clients right?"

"Right." He answered nervously, I think a little unsure of where this was going.

"And when you fight the fight for the good people, when you win, what does that feel like?"

"It's indescribable." He replied truthfully, understanding my point before I even got to it.

"That's what makes me think I could handle it. Chasing after that feeling, that's why I'd defend the guilty, to protect the innocent." If I was watching someone else say the words I had just said, I think I would have laughed at them, experience has taught me exactly how naive that was. But Bobby seemed really impressed with my answer, and what he said next made me choke on the food I wasn't eating.

"You can start on Monday."

***********

6 Months later

There I was, standing in front of nobody, in an empty room of a vacated office at 10:45pm, practicing for my first ever case. What was Bobby thinking giving it to me? Actually, I knew exactly what he was thinking. He'd given up on the firm, he'd resigned himself to failure, and to avoid being the only way out, he'd shifted the burden of this trial on to me. That way he could sleep easier, knowing it wasn't his fault that we'd lost our last chance at survival. I didn't care though, I'd take the case anyway I could get it- and what's more...I was going to win it.

I've mentioned my love of the chase, it wasn't just that once I set my mind to something, I'd see it to the end, and I would come out on top everytime...no, it was more. I looked for the chase...I hunted it...one could say that I chased the chase, which makes little sense, even as I say it the meaning evades me, but that's the best way I can describe it. In a nutshell, I hated to lose.

I hated it so much; I refused to let myself lose. My brother was beating me at a board game once, and instead of losing graciously I sent the board flying with one swift sweep of the hand. I was so stubborn, sometimes it was a bad thing, but on the whole, it was what got me through the day. So basically, if I wanted something...nothing could stand in my way...because in the end, I would get it.

That's why I yelled at Bobby. I was feeling the pressure, a lot of pressure actually. The fact that I was going up against Anderson Pearson didn't help me much. Bobby told me that the jury would like me more if I came off slightly nervous. Nervous was an understatement...let me tell you. I had been having hot flashes ten times a day a week prior to the trial, my hands were constantly sweaty and my breathing was heavy.

That was nothing compared to the emotional pressure, the idea that I might lose this case was waking me up during the night, I'd become a total caffeine junkie and was considering taking up smoking to sooth my nerves. Just the thought of arguing my first case against Anderson Pearson was enough to almost send me into convulsions. He was someone I had always admired, he was like a father to me. So it was hard for me. But it was nearly over, I was ready, and as soon as I spoke my first word to the jury, I found my confidence. This is where I belong, I thought, this room was made for me.

The jury was noticeably impressed with my opening, as were the lawyers at Professor Pearson's' firm, because he called and arranged a meeting for that very night. We all felt so small and insignificant walking down the hallways of Finley- Ho. They were giants compared to us, and the fact that we had been invited there so they could offer us money- an indication that we had beaten them- made us feel no less insignificant and ultimately less superior to the almighty lawyers that we took seats across from.

We all swatted Bobby once we got in the elevator. They had offered $400, 000, more money than I think the firm had ever dreamt of, but I was glad he turned it down. That may be because in my eyes, he could do no wrong, but also because I believed him when he said that they would offer more. And he was right. A rather downtrodden Professor Pearson came back to the office that night, and offered us 1.5 million dollars, which we graciously accepted. Bobby looked at me, unshed tears of joy shining in his eyes and whispered with such adoration and respect that I had been looking for from him "Y-You…." To which I oh-so-poised, replied

"Can we get a conference table now?" And he enveloped me in his arms, and proposed that we all go out for drinks.

We'd only been out for about 2 hours, but it had been a great night. However, I was having a hard time coping with Ellenor calling me "Miss Awesome" and having Bobby stare at me like I was Mother Theresa all night was starting to make me think impure thoughts about having him stare at me like that through the candlelight in my bedroom. So at 10pm when everyone decided to call it a night, I was glad.

I wasn't ready to go home though, so I drove back to the office to attempt to lengthen my victory. I sat down in my favourite spot, between my desk and the photocopier, and took out one of the two bottles of beer I had brought with me. I'd barely taken my second sip when the door opened and Bobby walked in.

"Hey" I said from my position on the floor when it looked like he was going to walk right past without noticing me. He sat down on the floor beside me and I handed him the other bottle of beer I had with me.

"What are you doing here so late?" He asked.

"Reliving the victory. How about you?"

"Actually, I have no idea." He laughed

"Still in some shock aren't you?"

"I guess I am." He took my hand in his in a move that sent chills of anticipation down my spine. Turning to me he said "Lindsay"

"Yeah." I answered; feeling a thousand butterflies beginning a dance in my stomach.

"Thankyou" He whispered, his sincere eyes burning into mine.

"Bobby, it was a team effort, I just…"

"Lindsay" He cut me off "Thankyou."

"You're welcome Bobby" I told him, figuring that was all he wanted to hear.

We sat there for a while, in silence, Bobby still holding onto my hand lightly, as though if he were to let go the events of the past day would be nothing but a dream. He laughed lightly at one stage, and the sweet sound snapped me out of my haze. "What is it?" I asked, not wanting to be left out of anything."

"I just realised, we have no more beer." I laughed along with him, not really seeing anything funny about it, but not wanting to feel stupid either.

"I have more back at my place." I hinted subtly, hoping he wanted to continue celebrating with me.

"You want me to go to your place? People might talk" He replied slyly after a pause.

"What people? I'm just inviting you over for some celebratory drinks, Bobby. It's not like your moving in or anything." As soon as I said the words I regretted them. I mean, think about what I'd be passing up if he was thinking of 'moving in!'

"I can't afford to be sued for sexual harassment" He joked.

I laughed at his excuse, trying to hide the arousal. Knowing without a doubt that I would do all the things that would get him sued for sexual harassment without a second thought.

"I would love to come over for some drinks, let's go"

He jumped to his feet and helped me stand up. We grabbed our coats and left the office, chattering the whole way back to my apartment about anything and everything, feeling happier than we had been since the tobacco case started.

We'd been at my place for about an hour and a half when things started getting crazy. We had certainly had a lot to drink, but I don't think we were really drunk, certainly tipsy, but not drunk. "So why aren't you married Bobby?" I asked innocently

"Haven't met the right woman yet." He answered without hesitation

"Have you tried?" I joked

"And what exactly is that supposed to mean" He questioned incredulously, still smiling

"Well, you never leave the office"

"I like it there"

"Sure you do"

"I do," He cried defensively

"Uh huh" I muttered disbelievingly. To which he replied by whacking me with a pillow from the couch we were sitting on.

"Ouch! Bitch!" I cried in mock- seriousness. Bobby erupted into fits of uncontrollable laughter. "What's so funny?" I demanded, standing up and placing my hands on my hips, trying to act annoyed.

"I'm a bitch?" He laughed, amused by his ability to get the words out during his laughing fit.

"You know what I meant." I said, laughing in an attempt to cover up my embarrassment. He said nothing, just continued to laugh at me. I picked up another pillow and hit him over the head with it.

"Oww! Bitch" He said, imitating me by standing up and putting his hands on his hips

"Oh, you'll pay for that." I warned him

"What are you going to do abou…." I cut him short by hitting him again and again and again, until he was forced to retreat.

"Ok ok! I'm sorry!" He called as he ran through the door, which just happened to lead to my bedroom. I followed him in there, and was surprised when he was nowhere in sight.

Suddenly he leapt out from behind the door and grabbed me around the waist. I screamed in shock, and tried to wriggle free from his powerful grip. I was unsuccessful, which may have been because my efforts were lessened by the fact that I didn't want to leave his arms. We laughed so hard that Bobby seemed to have some trouble standing properly, and so we fell in a tangled heap onto my bed. It was a much nicer landing for me, because I landed on top of Bobby.

"Sorry, are you ok?" I asked at the sight of his slightly pained expression. He didn't answer; he just looked at me strangely, so I attempted to stand up. But he pulled me back down, and rolled me over so he was on top of me. "Where do you think you're going?" He asked, as his mouth descended upon mine. Before our lips met in a kiss that would be remembered by me for as long as I live, I whispered back to him "Apparently nowhere."

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So thats all for part one. What did you think, and details pls, feedback can be sent to [email protected]



Author: Lisa

Title: Victim of Circumstance Part #2

AUTHORS NOTES: Ok, this is sort of my opinion of how Lindsay felt through the events that shaped her career and her and Bobby's relationship. It is told entirely from Lindsay's POV, and it may seem like it moves through events quickly, but I only intended to include what I consider the major events. This part deals with Lindsay coming to the firm, and how her and Bobby's 'relationship' started. I am not trying to take away from Soulmates, Jewel knows my opinion of her writing, I just wanted to take a new approach.

Thankyou to Livvy, who did a wonderful- and not at all nasty- job of spell checking this for me, I do appreciate it- "Feels nice to be appreciated"- right? Thankyou Jewel, for all your encouragement and incessant nagging. To Rose, for pulling out the whip...hehe proverbially of course. And to Ally, who did absolutely nothing, but she came back in time for me to post. Oh yeah..I'd also like to point out the wonders of liquid paper..I'd be remiss if I didnt mention that.

Disclaimer: I have this machine which allows me to switch the minds of two people. That is what I have done, I switched with DEK so he could write this just for you, because I know he has nothing better to do. Then I woke up, and the nurses had the electrodes out again.

Feedback: Is cheaper when it comes in bulk

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I woke up the next morning feeling tired, sore and slightly confused. I was confused mainly because I had no idea when my pillow had gotten so hard. Opening my eyes, I realised that my `pillow' was actually a man's chest. I looked up, and suddenly I was staring into the gorgeous eyes of a smiling Bobby.

"Morning." He greeted. I said nothing, just groaned softly and put my head back down on his chest.

"Big night huh?" Bobby asked me teasingly

"Mmm, you might say that."

"Must have been fun, your cheeks are glowing."

"You might say that as well." I replied, not willing to give in to him

"Suppose I asked you to say it." Well, he had me there. "Did you have fun Lindsay?"

"I don't know if `fun' would be the word I'd use."

"Well, what word would you use?" He asked, a little uncertainly

"Interesting."

"Interesting, why interesting?"

"I found out that my boss has a very strange method of thanking his employees."

"You think he was just thanking you?"

"I'm not really sure what he was doing." I replied truthfully. The whole event had left me in a spin. I won't deny that I had a kind of silly school-girl-type crush on Bobby. But that was pretty understandable, he was one of those men that, aside from being the sexiest thing in the entire world, could reduce a level-headed person such as myself, into a complete mess by uttering a single word.

"Maybe he's just really attracted to you." Bobby volunteered.

"It would certainly explain a lot." I agreed

"Such as?"

"Why he lets me get away with everything."

Bobby laughed and wrapped his arms around me tightly, drawing me closer to him. "Maybe this is his way of punishing you, for all these things you think you're getting away with."

"Maybe I should misbehave more often then." I joked

"I'm sure your boss wouldn't mind at all."

"It would probably keep his mood swings down a little if he could dish out regular punishments to employees who can't behave themselves." I guessed, wondering exactly where this conversation was heading.

"Well, for the sake of his vicious `mood swings' perhaps there would be one employee brave enough to withstand such punishment. How bout it Lindsay, know anybody that brave?"

"I might know this one woman."

"Yeah, tell me about her." He smiled at me and I rolled my self over until I was on top of him and ran my hands through his hair as I spoke. "Well, she's really smart, the best lawyer at the firm she works at, she's funny, and probably the nicest person you'll ever meet." I grinned as he ran his hands slowly up and down my back, and then stopped and allowed his fingers to slowly move over my bare skin.

"Really? Sounds like she has a rather high opinion of herself. I'm not sure I find that a very attractive quality."

"I don't really think you're in any position to argue, do you?"

"Hmmm, no, I think you've got me there Lindsay. But how long do you think this woman would be able to put up with the punishments dished out by your boss?" He asked, and I knew exactly what he meant.

`If we were to continue sleeping together, how long would it be for?' Because at that stage, there was no possibility of us having a real relationship. I don't know what kind of person sleeping with my boss made me, but the only explanation for my response to his question would be, that I had already begun to love the feel of him around me, and it was something I wanted to experience more often. So I answered his subtle question.

"Maybe she would agree to put up with it until she found somebody else who could possibly be a more suitable."

"Person she could aggravate?" Bobby finished for me.

"Well, that would be one way of putting it."

"So, we have an arrangement then?" He asked. I thought it was so funny how we were managing to keep this whole conversation from sounding anything other than a business agreement. Looking back, I think the reason for that was subconsciously, we were both protecting our own emotions. I had no idea how he felt about me, in fact, at that time, I didn't even really know exactly how I felt about him.

"I guess we do." I replied smiling down on him. He placed his hand on the back of my head and pulled me closer to him, then he kissed me. From there we sealed our agreement with a little more than a shake of the hand.

Three months into our agreement I lay in his arms, reflecting on the months gone by. We were having a lot of fun, Bobby seemed less uptight each time we were together, and I felt satisfied in almost everyway. Almost. I don't think it's corny of me to admit that I wished there were some emotions in our recreation. There was so much passion, there was so much intensity, and I knew we had feelings for each other. But, when we fought, it was only ever over office stuff. Our personal life was kept simple: We'd spend our days getting criminals off, and our nights.getting each other off. It doesn't sound very complex does it? Well, in a way, it wasn't, and it was a good arrangement. At the end of our days, there was so much pent up frustration that between the two of us, we made for a very uptight `couple.' Our nights together were the only legal way we could release that frustration, but we never talked about us, we never wondered if we could be more, and that was causing a few inner conflicts- for me anyway.

But then there was a breakthrough.

It had been a weird week. Bobby and I had been fighting over my pending disbarment (which to this day I still blame on Ellenor). I was looking at losing my license to practice law (Ellenor's fault remember). Jimmy let me in on his little secret that he'd been having erotic dreams about me- and then he asked me out, and my old boyfriend Chris tells me he wants to sleep with me. The last two were things I never even considered, but I agreed to go out for a drink with Chris anyway- probably to annoy Bobby, who was getting too close to his old girlfriend for my liking.

So there we were Chris and I, having a drink or two in a quiet bar, talking like old friends (which I naively assumed we were). About two hours into our evening, I began to feel a little giddy, and a little more attracted to every man I saw. Chris was concerned (or so I thought) and offered to take me home. I wasn't suspicious that anything weird was going on, I just figured I'd had a little too much to drink. Chris was being such a gentleman, walking me up to my apartment and everything, so I thought I'd give him a thankyou kiss. He responded, and the attraction I felt to him before was heightened. I don't really remember much after that, but we ended up in my bedroom, where I was only too willing to give in to his intentions.

The next morning, I still felt really giddy; I remember wondering to myself if alcohol is supposed to last this long. Chris was already up, getting dressed, he mentioned something about calling me, and I thanked him for a "really great time." I waited until I heard the sound of the door closing, and then I went back to sleep.

I wish I had of called in sick that day, but I couldn't ignore the mountain of work on my desk any longer. As it turned out, it didn't really matter; I spent the whole day getting well acquainted with a toilet bowl.

"Maybe you should see a doctor." Rebecca said, while she dabbed my head with a washcloth. I could see the concern in her eyes and after assuring her I was probably only hung over, I told her what had happened between Chris and I the night before. She tried to make me feel less guilty by implying that it was human to get weak every now and then. She didn't understand that weakness, to me, was like a disease. I can't stand seeming weak, no matter what the circumstance.

I began to wonder if perhaps I just wasn't the skilled wine drinker I once was, berating myself out loud for not even using protection with Chris, and all at once it hit me! Maybe I was pregnant! Rebecca tried to assure me that "It doesn't happen that quick." But I was worried, not only because of last night with Chris, but because Bobby and I weren't always as careful as we should have been. If this was morning sickness, and I was pregnant, the likelihood of it belonging to Chris was lessened by the likelihood that it belonged to Bobby.

"I'm going to the doctor." I decided.

Turns out, the results were far worse then I ever could have imagined. I wasn't pregnant, but before I had time to even breathe a sigh of relief, my Doctor dropped a bomb the size of Rhode Island on me. I remember the conversation so clearly.

"Lindsay, have you taken any sort of drug that you are aware of?"

"No.why?" I replied nervously

"Well, you're blood test show traces of Gamma Hydroxy-butyrate, also known as GHB. Have you heard of it?" She asked

"I-I, think.isn't that the date rape drug?"

"Yeah that's right. Do you have any idea how you may have ingested that?"

I didn't want to answer her question; I was feeling so ashamed, and embarrassed. I simply asked her if she was sure, and got her to fax me the result. I didn't notice as I hung up the phone that a curious and concerned Rebecca had been listening to the last part of my phone conversation.

I told Rebecca what had happened, and as the realisation sunk in, I felt nothing. I was numb inside, I didn't know what to think, I didn't know how to feel, I didn't know anything about anything, I only felt numb. Rebecca was still looking at me, like she didn't know what to say to me, she didn't even want to attempt to comfort me. I know it was probably illogical of me, but my first instinct was to go and see Chris.I needed to hear his explanation for this.

I couldn't believe my ears. I had gone over there, expecting him to be worried that I had found out, but the stupid bastard was blaming it on me. Telling me that I should have anticipated him drugging me, and that it was the only way I could ever loosen up. Then he called me uptight. I could have cried right there, but I held it together. He was basically telling me I needed to be under the influence before I could ever have fun, I hated that, it wasn't my fault sex made me nervous. I almost wished I could tell Chris about Bobby and I, "Bobby doesn't have to drug me" I'd say, but what would that accomplish, nothing mattered, I'd been raped by an old boyfriend, there was nothing I could do, so nothing mattered.

Rebecca's attempts to console me over lunch were hindered by the questions she asked about my innocence. But the real problem was, that she was right. Why had I gone out with him in the first place? He had already told me he wanted to sleep with me, shouldn't I have expected it to happen, drugs or not? People knew Chris and I had gone out before, people knew (or thought they knew) that we were a pretty wild couple. I knew people whispered about the scratches on the conference table, which was over-exaggerated- that never really happened. All of these things made me realise that there was absolutely nothing I could do about this; that I should just forget it ever happened and move on. That was all very nice in theory, but the reality was, that I couldn't.

So I tried to threaten Chris, told him to resign from his job, reasoning that he wouldn't be so cocky if I took back some of the power he stole from me. But it backfired. He ended up threatening me, telling me that he wouldn't let me ruin his reputation before he had a chance to obliterate mine. I knew he wasn't bluffing, he'd do it, and the result would be so much worse for me than it would be for him.

I drove to the police station about an hour after I had gone to see Chris. I parked outside and undid my seatbelt. I sat there, contemplating my options. I could go in, he would get into trouble, the drug he slipped me was illegal, so he would be charged with possession and forced to leave his job anyway. But he knew that, so he mustn't be too worried about being caught with anything, because he all but dared me to report him. And that worried me, if he wasn't scared, he knew he'd get away with it? What made him think he was so untouchable. I decided going to the police wouldn't show him how untouchable he wasn't, but I figured out a way that might.

Chris looked so shocked when I barged into his office that night, I almost laughed out loud when he jumped up from his seat, he obviously wasn't expecting to see me again so soon.

"Lindsay, wwwhat's going on?" He asked. Like he didn't already know why I was here. What, did he think I was going to ask if he wanted to go out again?

" I went to the police station to file charges."

"What?" The look on his face right then was priceless, I was almost satisfied just thinking that he could be so scared. But to me, he wasn't scared enough. Yet.

"Oh, I didn't do it. I know you could never be convicted. Also part of me didn't want your whole career ruined over one stupid mistake- and it would be ruined- possession of that drug alone but the thought of you getting away with it all smug you know I couldn't live with that either." I wondered whether any of that was coherent, it didn't make much sense in my head, I could only imagine how little sense it made coming out.

" Have you been drinking?" I wasn't happy with his questions, he was interrupting my flow, there were things I needed to say and I didn't want to stop every three seconds to answer to him. Especially since I had been drinking.

" No. This is the way rape victims get Chris. And I'm sitting in my car outside the police station and I'm thinking he should at least limp over this a little. Maybe he shouldn't loose his job but you should at least limp that's why I came to shoot you in the leg." His eyes nearly fell from the sockets in his head when I pulled out my gun. I think if I had given him the chance right then he would have begged me to send him to jail.

"I'll say the gun went off by accident."

"Are you." he started, but like I said, I'd had enough of listening to him, so I cut him off.

"Crazy?" I asked "Yeah. And it feels good. See you could file charges but the truth would come out and you would get in more trouble than me. It would be in your best professional interest to agree with me that the gun went off by accident."

" Lindsay!" He pleaded

"DON'T!" Truth is I have been drinking and I might vomit any second so I had better get this over with. Would you prefer the right leg or the left?" I asked, believing I was being too fair by giving him a choice about which part of him I took away. He never gave me a choice.

" Lindsay!"

"Or the head." This option appealed to me the most, but I wasn't that crazy, or maybe I was.

"This isn't you." This comment made me so angry, like he knew anything about me. I was nothing to him, and he had left me feeling like I was nothing, even to myself.

"Sure it is. I just needed to shed some of my inhibitions. This is me. Right leg or left or should I choose."

"Lindsay you will end up in jail." Wouldn't that be fitting? I thought.

" I'm counting to three. One." and I began the countdown

"Lindsay!"

"Two"

"My God!" That's right, I thought, say your prayers, but not even He can help you now.

"Three"

"The left" I couldn't believe he actually chose. I didn't care, I pulled the trigger and he hit the ground with a satisfying thud. Then he got back up. Looking at me with the most confused expression on his face. I had put blanks in the gun. I was angry, not stupid, I wanted to hurt him, but I wasn't crazy enough to get myself in trouble. The look on his face and the wet patch on his pants were all I was really after. Embarrassing him and robbing him of his dignity, like he had to me seemed like the only thing I could do.

"Just kidding. Sue me. Oh, by the way, you wet your pants."

I turned to the door to find a few amused faces staring in at us, wondering- I assume- what all the noise was about. Turning towards them, I walked out the door leaving them with the assurance that "He loved it." And left Chris to explain what had happened.

Everyone from the office was seated at the bar, drinking to celebrate Jimmy's first win. I' been trying to down as much alcohol as my stomach could hold. After leaving Chris's office I had felt better, but not for long. Sitting there at the bar, pretending to care about Jimmy's case, I felt it all come back. All the confusion, all the hatred, all the numbness. Looking at Bobby made me feel a new one as well: guilt. I felt guilty. Bobby and I weren't in a relationship so I didn't know why I felt guilty, but I did. When nobody was looking he turned to me and placed his hand on my leg. Looking in to my eyes he asked, "Are you ok? You've been kind of quiet."

"I'm fine." I lied, trying my best to squeeze out a smile. "It's just been a big week." He seemed satisfied with my answer, because he smiled at me, then went back to what he was doing before: staring with obvious nonchalance into his empty beer glass.

Bobby left the bar first, but he was followed closely by everyone else. I stayed for about half an hour after they had all left, continuing my quest to be the drunkest person on the planet. Eventually I left the bar and walked home. It was pouring rain and my clothes were getting soaked but I didn't care. In fact, I welcomed the rain, embraced the cold wind that accompanied it and cherished the icy droplets of water, which hit the revealed sections of my skin. Needless to say, by the time I got back to my apartment I was a shivering mass of soaked clothes and rain-matted hair. I didn't expect to see Bobby sitting on my sofa though, but there he was watching television in all of his beautiful entirety.

"Hey" he greeted me

"Hey. What are you doing here?" I asked, wondering if in my drunken stupor I had accidentally gone to his apartment instead of mine.

"You looked a little upset tonight, I thought I'd come over and see if you were ok. But you weren't here, so I let myself in. I hope you don't mind."

"No, it's fine. I'm actually glad to see you."

"So, are you ok Lindsay?" I could see the concern in his eyes, and I nearly broke down right there. But I was reminded callously that I no longer trusted people, even Bobby. I didn't answer his question, I didn't want to lie, but the truth was hurting so much more.

"Bobby, would you ever do that to me.?" I could see he was confused but it didn't deter me. "Would you ever make me feel..like. like this? Would you ever hurt me this way?" I was crying now, the tears which I had contained were cascading down my face like an unstoppable force of nature. Bobby sprang from his seat with a look on his face which told me he knew exactly what I was talking about. Rebecca must have told him about Chris.

"Lindsay, I would never, ever, do anything like that to you."

"Good, because I wouldn't want to have to shoot you as well." I said, pulling out my gun for the second time that night. Bobby looked scared, but I knew he was more concerned about me than he was for his own safety.

"Lindsay. Beautiful, what are you doing with a gun?"

"I had to know I could take things from him too. He had to know he wasn't invincible. So I shot him. Nothing says immortality quite like a bullet wound, don't you agree?"

Bobby looked so worried. I don't blame him, he probably thought I had totally lost the plot, in a way, I think he was right. I'd lost my sense of self, or more like it had been taken from me. I hadn't so much lost the plot as I had lost a part of myself.

"Did you..is he..?" Bobby stammered

"No, the gun has blanks in it. I just had to scare him."

"Do you feel better?" he questioned, coming back into full concerned Bobby- mode.

"Yes. No. Well I did, for about thirty seconds. Now I just feel like shit again. I don't know who I can trust any more Bobby. Tell me I can trust you, please, tell me." I pleaded, placing the gun on the side table.

" It hurts me to see you like this, you have to know, I couldn't do anything to make you feel the way you're feeling. You have to know that." His eyes pleaded with me to believe him, and I did. At that moment, it felt like Bobby was the only one I could ever trust.

"I know." I sniffed. "But, he.I.don't.I cant even breathe Bobby. It feels.I."

I collapsed onto the floor in front of him, burying my face in my hands. Slowly he knelt down beside me and took me into his arms. "I cant even breathe." I repeated as he gently rocked me back and forth. "It hurts so much. It hurts so much."

He picked me up off the floor and carried me into the bathroom. Once in there, he placed me gently on my feet while he turned on the taps and poured my aromatic bubble bath into the running water. He turned to me, I was shivering from the cold, wet clothes I still wore, and the tears were still running freely down my cheeks. Delicately he removed the heavy jacket I was wearing and hung it over the towel rack. Next, he slowly unbuttoned my blouse. I winced outwardly as his hand came in contacted with my skin.

"It's alright Lindsay, I will never hurt you." He whispered, and I believed him, I nodded my permission for him to continue. After he had removed all of my clothes, he led me over to the bath and silently persuaded me to get in.

"Just try to relax ok. I'm be just outside." And he turned to leave. Finding my voice finally I called after him. "Bobby, please don't go."

"You.you want me to sit in here with you?"

"No."

"No?" the confused look he gave me inspired probably my first smile of the day.

"No, I want you to come and sit in here." I told him, making a little splash in the water

"Lindsay, I don't want to move too fast for you. You need time."

"Bobby, please. Time waits for no one, I need you." I confessed shyly.

"If you're sure."

"I am. Please."

He looked at me carefully, looking for a sign that I was sure, I smiled at him and he began to undress himself. He slid carefully behind me, wrapping his muscular arms around my waist. I leant back against him, closing my eyes, allowing the warmness of both the water and his body wash over me.

"Thankyou." I whispered

"For what?"

"For being here. I don't think I could have gotten through tonight alone."

"Lindsay, tell me how you're feeling. I want to try and help."

"I feel." this was hard for me, and Bobby knew he was pushing me, but I think he also knew it was something I needed to talk about, and he probably knew I needed to talk about it now.

"I feel empty, powerless, cold, angry, scared, alone. I feel like broken glass, I feel dirty, I feel repulsive." That about summed it up. I was feeling more, but some feelings were never meant to be articulated.

"Can I tell you something?" he asked

"Sure, what is it?"

"Firstly, you have to realise Lindsay, you are not really any of those things. You need to know that you are the strongest, warmest, the most beautiful woman- inside and out- that I have ever met in my life. Secondly, What that bastard did to you, you cannot blame yourself. He's a pig, you did nothing wrong. Thirdly, there are four words you need to tell yourself before you will ever begin to feel closure. I can't tell you what they are, you have to figure it out for yourself, but by allowing yourself to say them, you'll begin to feel human again. Lastly, I'll always be here for you, no matter what time, or where you are, if you need something you call me, and I will be there before you even hang up the phone."

He tilted my head back and planted a soft sweet kiss on my lips, wiping the tears off my face at the same time. "Thankyou Bobby. You don't know how much.thankyou."

"Anytime." He uttered before kissing me again.

We got out of the bath eventually, and Bobby put me into bed, even going as far as tucking me in. "You don't have to come to work tomorrow if you don't want."

"You're going?" I asked, not trying to hide my disappointment

"Yeah, thought I should."

"You don't have to."

"I thought you might like to spend some time alo."

"Bobby, I can't be alone, not tonight. Do you have to go?" I asked, hoping he didn't.

"No, I can stay." He smiled down at me before crawling over to the other side of the bed and climbing down under the covers.

I rolled over to him and he took me in his arms, kissing the top of my head softly. We drifted off to sleep gradually, but right in the verge of sleep, I spoke to him.

"Bobby."

"Mmmm." He replied

"I think I know the four words."

"Yeah, tell me."

I took a deep breath, a small sentence required so much strength on my part. But it was right, and it had to be said. "It wasn't my fault" (yes Livvy technically that's 5 words.shoot me)

That's right beautiful, it wasn't your fault."

I smiled sadly as my tears hit the pillow. But they weren't tears of pain, they were tears of relief. Finally I could begin to grieve for what I considered the loss of my innocence. I kissed Bobby firmly on the lips, thanking him without words for being here with me. It wasn't the end of my pain, not by a long shot, but it was the beginning of my recovery.

***********

END Part #2

So what did you think? and details please.



TITLE: Victim of Circumstance Part #3

AUTHOR: Lisa

A/N: This is a story about Lindsay, told from Lindsay's point of view. It deals with the various ordeals she went through. This part is all about how Lindsay felt when B+H began dating.etc.

Thanks must got to Ally, who gave me some wonderful ideas.. (and the cyber flu heheh) also to Livvy, who- despite how mean she truly is- was so nice and encouraging while I wrote this part (((((hugs))))) And to Jewel for all her suggestions.she helped me out when I was all blocked up..and to everyone else for their lovely feedback and encouragement.

DISCLAIMER: I own all these characters, I am a multi-millionaire disguised as a teenager- and even though I am rich enough to buy three Hawaiian Islands, I cant find anything else to do other than write fanfiction.(No credit, no profit etc etc etc).

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At some point I realised that I was making my life so much more complicated than I could handle. Being a defence lawyer was never meant to be easy, that was never how I expected it to be, and it wasn't how I wanted it to be. But standing up for the scum of society each and every day got old quickly, and each new drug dealer brought the realisation that I had found my niche. I was a drug lawyer and I hated it more than words could describe; but believing that things would change probably made me more of a dope than the dealers whose constitutional rights I looked out for.

My recreation with Bobby was the only thing I had to look forward to at the end of the day, and even that was getting harder. After the incident with Chris, it took over a week before I could let Bobby touch me without feeling afraid, but we got there. It also made me recognise that I was becoming way too dependent on Bobby. I began to wonder if I could handle anything on my own. Bobby was there whenever I needed him, and I was always there for him, but I had to contemplate the inevitable. When we ended, as I knew we ultimately would, could I survive without his arms to run to when the world got too scary? I had to decide whether I was strong enough to `go it alone.' In the end, my decision was made for me.

"So, is Bobby seeing anyone?" Helen asked me as we sat across from each other at lunch.

"Not that I know of, but maybe. Why?" I replied, feeling my defences immediately go up, wondering of maybe Helen had begun to suspect that something was going on between Bobby and I.

"Well, I guess maybe I like him.a little." She confessed. I breathed a sigh of relief; than took the sigh back- she liked him?

Suddenly I felt my heart drop to the floor, my relationship with Bobby became null-and-void once one of us met someone else. I had a strange feeling Helen could probably be that person.

"You like him?" I queried.

"Come on Lindsay, its hard not to."

"I suppose. What are you going to do about it?" I didn't really want or need an answer to that question. If Helen liked a guy, she'd go after him. I also knew that if I refused to believe something I could stay happily in the Land of Denial for as long as I liked.

"I have no idea. Probably nothing."

I didn't share my suspicion as I ate my pasta salad that Helen was more likely to do something rather than nothing about her attraction to Bobby. I really didn't even want to think about it. Helen and Bobby; the thought turned my stomach. I'm sure he'd like her, there isn't much to dislike about Helen, once you got over her semi- elitist attitude anyway. So I reasonably expected her to act on her attraction, and I found out later that week that I was right.

"She asked you out?" I asked Bobby, probably coming across less care- free than I had hoped for. I was surprised at how upset I was when he told me he said yes, I guess he noticed my discomfort, and assumed I was angry with him.

"You said she was a nice person." He argued

"That doesn't mean you should sleep with her!" I couldn't believe how much this was getting to me.

"I'm not going to sleep with her. I'm going to put on a Simba mask and go to a party." As well as being defensive, Bobby also looked confused. And I can't blame him, as far as he knew I was only interested in a physical relationship, and my jealousy would have seemed to contradict that interest. Even so, trying to mask that jealousy was all but impossible for me.

"And don't think for one second that she wont be Nala."

That was the most horrible thing I could have said about Helen, but jealousy wasn't an emotion I was accustomed to feeling, I think I was being bitchy to help myself deal with it. I explained to Bobby that Helen was a friend, and that I just couldn't help look out for her a little. Which of course was a complete lie, the only person I was looking out for here, was myself.

I met up with Helen later that day in the courtroom. I have no idea why she was there, but I had the delightful duty of arraigning Benny Small, one of my favourite drug dealers- not. I spoke to her quietly in the back of the room, waiting for Benny to be called. She asked me- no she tried to convince me I was angry with her for asking Bobby out.

"Well, we're you ever going to ask him out?" she questioned.

"I'd never want to date him- are you crazy?" I challenged. It was true, I had no desire to go out with Bobby, we much preferred to stay in. "I have concerns for the firm." I lied. Helen told me I was being as pathetic as that time in college I told her I didn't want her dating some guy because I was worried she might develop E. Colli

However, I wasn't lying. I was partly concerned about Bobby dating a D.A, but I think we can all stipulate as to where my real concerns lay. Part of my problem came from the fact that I knew they would probably make a great couple. They were almost total opposites, which was probably why they are so attracted to each other. I never realised how true the old `Opposites Attract' cliché was until Helen went after Bobby.

It became obvious, as Bobby came parading out of his office in a tuxedo with a cape, that he was going to Helen's boss's Halloween party. I hated that he was going out to a very public party with her, I hated that I wasn't going- but mostly I hated I wasn't going to see him that night, and not because I didn't want to. Knowing Helen as well as I do, I was positive that once she had a man in her clutches, I would never be waking up next to him again.

Later that day Jimmy and I were standing in the elevator. He told me he had been invited to Scott Hanburgs (check) party, and wondered if I would go along with him. I was hesitant, only because I knew Jimmy had a little crush on me, and I really didn't want to get his hopes up. But he pledged it was only as friends, and that he wouldn't dream about me afterwards. I said yes, not because I was longing to spend a night in Jimmy's company, but because this would be the perfect chance to see for myself whether Bobby and Helen would ever amount to anything.

"So basically you're going to this party to spy on us?" Helen guessed as she massaged the knot out of my shoulders.

"Not basically, exactly." I told her. "Oh that's it.right there- you're on it." I cried as she hit the tender spot in my neck.

"Alright, give me something." Helen demanded. I was confused for a split second, wondering what she wanted me to give her, then I realised, she wanted information on Bobby.

"Well, for one thing- don't wait for him to make the first move, he's a lot more shy than you think." I tried to think of the best thing she could do that would make Bobby hate her. "You know if I were you I'd just pull him into an empty room and plant one on him."

"Oh, right!" she exclaimed, though we both knew it was something she would do without a second thought.

"You know, he can be a little stuffy, Helen, you know, loosen him up, he'll have more fun." I couldn't believe I was actually helping her.was I a total idiot? "Just don't slip any drugs into him wine- pursuant to office policy." I warned her, with a more- than- bitter undertone.

"You want me to prosecute Kelton, just say the word." This made me realise what a good friend she was, and that's the reason I was helping her- because I knew she would do it for me in a second. Helen continued massaging my shoulders while bringing up a new topic. "Did you think any more about what we talked about yesterday?"

The day before, Helen had spent about half an hour trying to convince me to become a District Attorney, reminding me- somewhat unnecessarily- about how much I hated my job at times.

"About me being a D.A?"

Helen stopped the massage and sat down in the chair beside me. "How much are you making right now?" she asked

"It's not so much the pay cut, you know, since I get paid in drug money I don't declare it." I joked. Helen obviously didn't think it was as funny as I did, which made me wish I didn't find myself so damn amusing.

"Really, aren't you more of a prosecutor at heart? Do you like defending these creeps?"

"No. But defending the drug dealers is just, you know, the bread and butter that pays the rent and that allows us to do the more important cases." I suppose I was trying to justify my work to myself, more than I was to Helen.

"You mean the murderers?" Helen guessed.

"Yes." I paused, laughing slightly. "Exactly." I pinched the bridge of my nose, as I do when I feel stressed.

"Funny, when you think of how we ended up." Helen started, and elaborated after seeing the questioning look on my face. "I mean, in College, you were always the stone- cutter. I was the one getting the guys off."

I laughed at Helen, thinking how right she was. In College, you never would have picked me for the type to have a secret affair with my employer. Oh no! Not level- headed- straight- shooting Lindsay Dole. She would never be that immoral.boy wouldn't all my old friends be in for a rude shock.

The party was going alright, Helen was uncomfortable and annoyed because Bobby didn't leave mine or Jimmy's side all night. I felt so inadequate standing next to Helen who had gone all out on her Helen of Troy costume, while I had gone with a simple cat outfit. I felt better though, every time I looked Jimmy's way, the rabbit suit he was wearing was so unbelievably stupid- but it worked for Jimmy, and all I could do was roll my eyes teasingly and laugh at him like only a friend could.

I decided to do the courteous best friend thing for a while and leave Helen alone with Bobby, just so they could get to know each other a little better. I had no idea how well Helen would try to get to know Bobby. I watched them so closely, trying to determine how much chemistry was between them. I saw little or no sparks flying, in fact, Bobby looked completely disinterested. This little observation made me smile brightly the whole night.

The party ended at around midnight, and I went home happier than I thought I would be. I was in the kitchen making myself a coffee, when I suddenly felt someone grab me from behind. I screamed and dropped my coffee cup, spilling the contents into the kitchen sink. I turned around to face my attacker.

"Bobby!" I cried, feeling relief spread through my body. He wasn't with Helen! If I wasn't on the verge of being scarred to death I would have done a little dance right there in the kitchen.

"What's new pussy cat?" He asked, grinning sweetly.

"Just call me sex- kitten!" I laughed. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, you looked so good tonight- I just had to see you."

"I was dressed as a cat Bobby." I reminded him sceptically.

"I've never seen a cat look so good." He whispered, trailing his lips seductively down my neck.

"So.how'd it go with Helen?" I asked, needing to get this part of our conversation over with before I lost the ability to think logically.

"It was alright." He replied absent-mindedly, still kissing and licking my neck.

"Only alright?"

"Nothing to write home about. Do you really want to be talking right now?" He questioned, smiling at me with a beautiful twinkle in his eyes. "Because if you do, I think I'm doing something wrong."

"No, you're doing just fine. I was just wondering. I didn't think I would see you tonight." I admitted.

"You think I'd miss seeing you in tights? Lindsay what must you think of me?"

I laughed out loud and responded enthusiastically when he brought his eager lips to meet mine. I let my hands glide slowly over his chest before moving down to undo his belt. "You think I'd miss seeing you out of yours?" I asked coyly as his pants loosened and fell gracefully to the floor, leaving him in black silk boxer shorts and a shirt.

"I know you wouldn't Lindsay, you're not that crazy."

"What's that mean exactly?" I questioned, letting him consider his response while I unbuttoned his shirt.

"Well I happen to be quite aware that Ms. Dole finds it extremely difficult to resist me."

"Whoever told you that was lying." I laughed

"Is that right is it?"

"I'm afraid so, I think you've misinterpreted the facts."

"So, what's with the wandering hands?"

"Oh these?" I asked, pushing my hands slowly inside the waistband of his boxers. "They're not wandering, they're just cold."

"Really?"

"Yep"

"I think I know a way to warm them up." He informed me suggestively

"Oh, you do, do you? Care to enlighten me?"

But Bobby wasn't listening, he was apparently preoccupied with taking off my clothes. I didn't object, we had a goal, and we were going to reach it, no matter where it happened.it was going to happen. He grabbed me so tightly my feet were no longer in contact with the ground, which forced him to lose his balance- sending us teetering out into the lounge room.

"Are you ok?" He asked, concern evident in his voice.

He'd totally confused me, what was there not to be ok about? "I'm fine Bobby. Why wouldn't I be?"

"Well, we pretty much just ran into a wall." I looked around, and sure enough I was pressed tightly between the wall and Bobby was still in front of me.

"You didn't even notice did you?" He smiled

"Not really."

"See I told you, you can't resist me. Isn't that right?"

I didn't answer his question- verbally that is. To do so, I may have had to reveal the way I felt about him- which was trying to get me to do, trust me, I'm not as stupid as I look. That was the exact moment I realised why he had come over tonight. He was trying to bury his attraction to Helen with his feelings for me, and I decided that after this one last time, I wasn't going to let him do that to himself any more.

So it was with a mixture of sadness, joy, love and intensity that Bobby and I fell ungraciously onto my bed. Knowing but not really knowing, that this would be our last night together. And what a night is was. To reveal to you the actual events of that night might force you to run away screaming in fright. Let's just say the final results of our frustration were.multiple- to say the least.

The next morning, as tired as I was, I got up at around 6am, put my track-pants and a sweater on and went outside into the chilly Boston air. I started my jog in the main park in Central Boston, taking it slowly, savouring the harsh cheek-pinching wind. I listened closely to the steady thud of my Reeboks on the ground, staying in tune with the rhythm of my feet, trying in vain to think of nothing. The cold air was a constant reminder of what I'd be waking up to every morning if I let Bobby go- cold, empty air.

A guy with blonde hair was coming in the opposite direction, he was pretty attractive, and if I had of been interested.but I wasn't. He winked at me as he passed by, and whistled once he was behind me. I made a bet with myself that he was now running backwards.checking out my.form. I turned around, and sure enough there he was, jogging backwards. I was right- I was always right. I rolled my eyes, partly at the Whistling Jogger, and partly at myself for being so smug.

I looked up in front of me, coming face to face with heaven. Yes, heaven was standing on the footpath in Boston at 6:25am on a cold, cold morning. I stopped in front of him, finding myself breathing heavy for reasons that had nothing to do with my running.

"Good morning." Heaven smiled at me

"Why are you out here so early?" I asked

"I knew you'd be out here"

"How'd you know?"

"Because you're crazy."

I laughed at him, wishing I could stare into those eyes forever. Then, breaking away from my thoughts, I realised it would be so much easier to end it here. Taking the coward's way out seemed the most appealing option here, this was already going to be hard enough.

"Really Bobby. What are you doing out here?"

"Like I said, I knew you would be here."

"And.?" I prodded

"And I got the feeling something is wrong. So I came down here to find out."

"What makes you think something's wrong?" I queried, hating how well he knew me.

"You only jog when you're upset or angry or frustrated, or some strange combination of all three." He smiled again, and I could just feel myself caving, loving and hating the fact that he knew so much about me.

I almost told myself to let him decide, you know, let the Helen thing play itself out- but I knew he needed a push, he wouldn't end our `relationship' by himself. Bobby would pass up the opportunity with Helen just to spare my feelings, that's how great a guy he is. I had to do for him what I knew he would have done for me.

But I knew it was time to face the inevitable. I took my time, taking a deep breath, trying to sum up enough courage to do this. Looking into his eyes Bobby would pass up the opportunity with Helen just to spare my feelings, that's how great a guy he is. I had to do for him what I knew he would have done for me.

"Bobby." I whispered, poking his shoulder gently

"Lindsay" he mimicked. Ok, I know I said he was a nice guy- but did I mention he was a first class smart ass as well?

"Bobby.we have to stop." Nothing like getting straight to the point I decided.

"Stop what?"

"This. Us..this."

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Ok, so what did you think? Part four will visit the horrors of save the mule and probably The Ties That Bind.I have to break Helen and Bobby up quickly. That's why this story seems to move so fast through events.I hate writing them together. Feedback can be sent to lisa_beyond_2000@y...



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Title: Victim of Circumstance Part #4

Author: Lisa

Summary: This is just my own version about how Lindsay felt during the events that shaped her life and career. I apologise if it seems to move quickly...but I only wanted to reflect on events I thought were important.

I guess this part picks up not too long after part four...but is pretty much a Save The Mule based part.

Authors Notes: I don't really know where to start here- so many people so little...cyberspace. Livvy, Livvy, Livvy (what have you done ehehe) Thousands and thousands of hugs to you- I worry that you wrote more of this than I did (jokes), Ally- Helpful in more ways than I could count- even though you're always so mean to me, Jewel I love having the opinion of someone who has been there and done this episode, Rose for coming back an encouraging me (no there was no whip involved this time), the list goes on, to everyone who sent feedback last time and of course, to the ever-present stationary.

Disclaimer: This never stops being depressing: I dont own them, I have nothing to do with the show, I am a fan, DEK is not channeling my thoughts and I am not channeling his. This obsession is not healthy for such a young mind. How was that doctor?

Feedback: Would I like fries with that? I believe so.

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It took me a while to convince Bobby that I wouldn't be upset if he started to date Helen. Convincing him was made harder because even I didn't believe that I would be ok, so it was only after a performance that would have impressed the Academy Awards judges that Bobby reluctantly admitted that he was interested in Helen. And we parted with a goodbye kiss that I would feel for the rest of my life and he ran off to Helen.

I was quite happy for my role in this relationship to end, however fortune is fickle, and it seemed that my `walk- on role' was about to become a major part. Unfortunately, I was forced to listen to Helen complain about Bobby's lack of interest in their relationship. Helen's conclusion came from the fact Bobby hadn't slept with her yet- that was the distinction for Helen. Even I had to admit it was a little strange. Knowing both Helen and Bobby as well as I did I was surprised they weren't sleeping together yet, but I also knew the reason why- Bobby was still looking out for my feelings. Moreover, I knew that I would have to be the one to give him the little push he needed.

But their relationship was the furthest thing from my mind at the time, as I was working double time to rescue my drug dealers. It started to seem to me like it was `another day another drug dealer' I was becoming lost in the unglamorous life of a defense lawyer. Then my salvation came in the form of a drug mule named Theresa Cortez. Finally, it was an innocent person caught up it the web of drugs, someone I would be proud to save.

The call came early, the sun still wasn't up and the sky was an ominous blanket of fog. One of my client's- John Eikman's- drug runners was being held by the U.S custom services, suspected- of course- of smuggling. I waited impatiently for the U.S attorney checking my watch every minute on the minute until he finally arrived, ushering me inside giving me warnings like I was some inexperienced child, not a lawyer who dealt with crap like this on a daily basis.

Theresa wasn't in good shape. I could tell from our first conversation that she was in big trouble, not just legally, but medically as well. After numerous conversations with Bobby and Eugene, I finally forced the customs officers to take her to a hospital. Arguing the whole way into the emergency room with the opposing attorney, reciting precedents off the top of my head like they were as easy to remember as the alphabet. It's this ability that got me in this situation to start with. Just my luck that the downside to being a constitutional expert with an incredible memory is you become the poster girl for knowing obscure ways around search and seizure which is certainly a far cry from what I saw myself as becoming in college.

As the doctors worked hurriedly on Theresa I sat in the waiting room which was as cold and clinical as I was feeling inside. My mind went to Bobby, he knew I hated these cases but somehow he always managed to convince me to take them- I think he actually believed in some way we were serving the greater good. His spiel about this being the bread and butter of the firms' survival was getting old, and I felt myself beginning to resent him for being so naive- for not seeing the bigger picture and especially for not seeing what it was doing to me.

But I've always believed that Bobby gave this speech so often because maybe it helped him deal with the disgusting line of work we were in- maybe trying to convince us all that we weren't doing the wrong thing helped him to justify the way he made a living. At the same time though, I missed him. Drug cases always made me think of Bobby, only because at the end of these emotionally grueling days, I would seek comfort in his arms. And now I couldn't.

The doctor came out to see me while Theresa rested informing me that the likelihood of Theresa surviving without medical treatment was slim, especially since they didn't know what she had ingested. `Lindsay the lawyer' felt ethically duty-bound to tell the doctor that maybe Theresa hadn't ingested anything.

The doctor looked at me. She looked at me the same way I've been looked at so many times before. It was a look I doubt I'll ever forget, a look of absolute revulsion. If she could have, I think the doctor would have jumped on my head until I was submerged in the ground, which was probably where she thought I belonged. Her look both humiliated me, and reminded me what kind of person I really was- or at least the kind of person outsiders thought I was. "Yeah right." She mumbled, before walking away, that look on her face continued to burn into my conscience even after she left. I heard the voice inside my head growling at me- I hate drug cases!

My job was made tougher as the day progressed. The U.S Attorney continued hovering like a bat, pressing for x- rays, offering Theresa immunity if she turned against John Eickman, while Theresa seemed concerned only with the fact that she might not get her money, prioritizing the financial well- being of her family over her own life. Making me feel even more enveloped by the naivete around me- she was not going to be paid. Even if she managed to survive. The events of the day served as a souvenir of the disgusting humanity I have the privilege of facing everyday because of my job.

Later at the office, the decision was made to drop Theresa as a client. It was a good decision- legally. That was never a good enough justification for me, and I bit back a bitter laugh as I wondered why it was that the legalities and ethics of this job ran a completely parallel course. We couldn't do anything for Theresa, our obligations went to John Eickman.

Truthfully, an independent lawyer would have been more helpful, but only if it wasn't so inevitable that Eickman would ensure Theresa would never get any real help. He would hire another lawyer for her and he would make sure she didn't talk. I was on my way to tell her, no, I was on my way to risk my career for her, when Eugene stopped me.

"I'm heading back to the hospital." I told Eugene as I headed for the door.

"What are you going to say?"

"I thought I'd give her a crash course in legal ethics. Maybe explain why the model rules of professional responsibility require me to let her die." I spat.

"Lindsay..." Eugene started...he was about to give me a lecture I was all too familiar with, so I interrupted.

"What happens if I get on the phone right now Eugene, call up the ACLU, suggest there's a woman in need of council?"

"They'll ask you why...and if you answer you'll be breaking privilege."

"Gee." I said, the sarcastic tone not lost on Eugene.

"Theresa still has a choice, she can accept the offer regardless of who Eickman gets to represent her.

"Yeah, but he's going to make recommending against that offer part of the job description." Like Eugene needed to be told that, he'd been there as well.

"Maybe I should go with you." He offered

"I'm fine." I told him "But thanks." Not even Eugene was going to stop me from saying to Theresa what I wanted to say, and so it was safer that he stayed away.

I went to the hospital, and sat beside Theresa's bed. Trying to make her understand that she should take the offer. I subtly recommended that she should take the deal...trying to preserve myself from an ethical nightmare. I crossed the line, but I no longer cared, I couldn't prioritize my job over someone's life- it just wasn't in me. Theresa was different from all my other clients, she really wasn't just a `someone.' She was an innocent person caught in a desperate situation, a mother who would never again see her child.

I knew it was wrong, that what Eugene had said was right, but crossing the line wasn't a choice for me- morally I had to do it, for the sake of my own conscience. I tried to keep myself composed, but as Theresa grabbed my hand, to thank me for `looking out' for her, I felt the tears prick my eyes. `Yeah, I really looked out for her didn't I?' I told myself over and over.

I even tried to talk Benny Small into convincing Theresa to take the offer. I realized Benny was a long shot, but I knew he was empathic towards Theresa. He perhaps was less of a dirt-bag then the rest of my drug dealers- his empathy was a sign that maybe he had trouble dealing with the morality of his job as well, so I knew he was my last chance. As much as I could see he wanted to help me, I knew he wouldn't. He was concerned for Theresa, but his fear that Eickman would kill him if he even thought about helping her easily prevailed over his concern. He had to choose between his life and Theresa's, and I knew it wasn't a difficult choice. The sentence he said to me to justify his decision almost broke me, I nearly gave up- sometimes I wish I had.

"You're a drug lawyer Lindsay, you know how this stuff works."

I went back to the office glad that the day was over, but unable to escape the reality that I had prioritized legal ethics over the life of a human being. My desire to go home, have a bath and try to forgive myself for the immoral things I had done that day was put on hold when I noticed Bobby was still in his office. Finally, some sunlight on an otherwise dismal and grey day. Needing to talk to him, needing to tell him what I had learnt that day, needing the emotional comfort only he could offer, I went in.

I haven't forgotten anything about that moment. I remember the musty smell of his office combined with the intoxicating scent of his cologne. I remember how he sat so casually at his desk- the way he always sits when he thinks he's alone- not so straight, more casual relaxed even. I remember how dark the office seemed, lit only by two lamps one on his desk the other off to his right. I remember how he looked, so gorgeous with his top shirt button undone. Mostly I remember the way he smiled when he looked up and saw me...that smile I always felt was specially reserved for me...the smile that could cheer me up- even at the time when I felt my worst. I'll never fall out of love with that smile.

"Hey." I greeted him as I walked in.

"Hey, you still here?" He asked as I shut the door behind me.

"Yeah." Like he really needed an answer.

"How's the condition of the girl."

"The same." I answered, shifting my eyes downwards unable to let him see the effects this case had had on me and embarrassed that he knew what was wrong before the first time our eyes met over the table.

"You were honest with her...more so than you should have been."

"I know." I said bluntly, not needing another lecture at that moment. And then I told him "Benny Small said `Get over it, you're a drug lawyer' I guess he's right." I took a seat on his couch. "I can't do this anymore Bobby...the bread and butter I...I don't care, I've had it with drug clients."

I even surprised myself with my last words. Finally I had found a way to articulate the swirling jumble of thoughts that had been gyrating around my head for longer than I cared to remember. Saying it out loud made my problems seem so much clearer, and I think it made Bobby realize finally just how hard this really was for me.

"O.k." He responded...shocking me with his hasty answer

"Really?" I asked, unable to mask my happiness.

"Really." He smiled.

I had a small fear that perhaps Bobby was saying this to offer me a temporary placebo for the emotional damage I had suffered that day. I worried that he wouldn't be able to carry out this promise, because as much as I hated the drug cases I knew that they subsidized the firm's profits and debts- they kept us afloat. So how could Bobby could be brave enough to attempt survival without these cases. At the time though it was what I needed to hear, and all I could do was hope that what I'd wanted for so long had finally happened.

I took a deep sigh, grateful that I still had an amazingly affecting relationship I had with him. Then remembered I had been meaning to give him that little push he needed.

"How you been?"

"Fine" he answered, casually waving his arm in a gesture of dismissal. To this day I don't really know what it was he was dismissing, his problems or the piles of work on his desk- or something else altogether.

"What's stopping you?" I asked

"Excuse me?"

"With Helen, what's stopping you?" I can't believe how easily I was asking him this question, but then he'd had no qualms about showing me real friendship- so how could I not at least attempt to give some of it back.

"What...w-why, has she said something." He stammered nervously

"Just that...you seem stuck, like you want to move forward- but you wont."

"Well..." he started "its just that I like her." He rose from his chair. "But that may be the problem, I like her.

"And...?" I questioned, though I didn't need to, I knew what was stopping him.

"And before I go down that road I gotta be sure about...everything else...you know." He took a seat beside me on the couch. I turned to the left, looked into the same pair of eyes that seem to haunt me everywhere I go and said, "Bobby, everything else is clear."

But it wasn't, not for me anyway. I doubt that it ever will be. Every time he moved I felt him get closer and the temperature in the room seemed to rise with every breath he took. I wonder if he could hear how fast my heart beat as his voiced washed over me. "It just doesn't make it any easier that she's a friend of yours Lindsay."

I hated that he was looking for my permission, like he somehow felt duty bound to have me release him- like he was trapped with me until I said he could go. I hated that he believed our `relationship' was so integral to my life, mostly I hated that he was right.

"We both agreed, if either of us met someone who could be...you've met somebody Bobby."

"It doesn't bother you?" I should have asked him why he wanted it to bother me. But I didn't. Maybe it would have been easier if I'd told him what was and what wasn't bothering me, but the fear of losing him completely was overriding my concern for my own happiness.

"Well, I'll miss you, and I'll get a little lonely...but you and Helen are a good match." I nearly choked on those words, because in my mind, I really wasn't sure that they were. I was sure they'd look great together, and the chemistry they had was definitely electrifying. But I wondered if it was possible for two such different personalities to avoid an explosion. "Besides I feel on the verge of meeting someone myself. Don't let her get away...she's a good one"

"How could you be so adult about all this?" He asked, and I did my best to hide my surprise at his inability to disguise his concern for my feelings. I was slightly afraid that at some stage in our `relationship' I had let him see some of the emotion I had tried to shield us both from.

"Because I know what we were, and I know what we weren't" It was really more like I knew what we would never be.

"I just wish it we're harder for you, at least a little." He said.

The conflicting thoughts in my head ceased when I saw my opportunity present itself. I remember feeling hopeless- my need to feel him around me outweighing my `best friend duty' to Helen. He was looking at me the way he always did when he wanted me, and I knew that look was reflected on my own face. Although I knew I had to let him go, I couldn't help but want to make love to him again- even if it would be the last time. I guess I didn't see the harm in letting myself feel the painless ease that came from feeling him inside me in every way, and it was something I never could resist even if I had wanted to.

"I'll make do with the memories. Maybe we should celebrate we were able to keep it a secret." That was the only line I needed to use on Bobby, he knew me too well to have to ask how we should celebrate. "And it was some secret while it lasted." I finished.

I sat there nodding for a little too long, though it didn't matter because Bobby was nodding along with me. I knew what was going on in his mind it was the same as in mine ... We shouldn't be doing this but I don't want to stop, I can't stop, just once more.

I leant forward and pressed my lips to his, the kiss that started every thing. His response wasn't as enthusiastic as I had anticipated, and I was concerned that perhaps I had read the signals I thought I knew so well wrong. I moved back, but not for long, because I needed to feel close to him again. So leaning towards him, I kissed him again. This kiss was deeper, and Bobby moved his arm around the back of my neck and pulled me closer to him. When I moved back, I looked at his face, and there was that look...the desire he felt for me summed up in one facial expression, and it was enough to make me totally forget everything, including Helen.

He moved quickly, and I watched as he undid my buttons in a frenzy to get to what was underneath. I couldn't say who moved first- him- or me but right before we met in the middle I whispered " This is the last time" Silently praying that it wouldn't be, hating that it could be. Scared that what I felt with him tonight would not be enough to last me as long as I wanted it to- a lifetime. He conveyed his understanding through his eyes. The pressure of his body against mine forced me to lean back pulling him down with me as my mouth invited the competition of his. Legs outstretched, he used his foot to remove my shoes and my hands clutched desperately at him, touching caressing memorizing each part of him, as if trying to take home a piece of him to remind me of a night I doubt I'll ever forget anyway.

At some stage, I guess we fell asleep entangled in each others arms, holding each other tighter than we had ever held each other. I've learnt through this experience that even a casual, or `recreational' relationship was hard to let go of. No matter how difficult it was to avoid feelings, they developed. It may not have been love- but after being as close as I was to Bobby, and for so long- there was a connection between us I knew would never break. I felt the connection the whole way home, I felt it before I fell asleep in my own bed and I felt it in my dreams that were already filled with him.

The next morning was hard. I couldn't even look into his office without my mind drifting back to the events of the night before, without being reminded of the feel of his body against mine and the comfort and security I find in his arms., and when Bobby asked me if there was "Any change" I was so lost in my daydreams of him I answered "Bobby, I'm fine." It wasn't until he corrected me that I discovered he was talking about Theresa's condition. I felt my face go every possible shade of red, and I all but ran away from him.

It wasn't long after that that I received another phone call from the hospital. Something had happened to Theresa and not something good. I broke every speed limit on the way to the hospital and nearly crash- tackled 6 or 7 people in the corridor. I found the doctor as soon as I got to Intensive Care and using the half-breath I had left asked her what was going on.

"The condom burst something, something, something, she's in surgery now." That was what I heard anyway. My capacity to understand the human language went out the window when I heard the urgent tone of her voice.

"What?...I mean how? Did she let you operate?" I asked, hoping to God that they hadn't gone ahead without permission.

"Yes, right before she lost consciousness she consented to the surgery."

"Thank God." I muttered.

"It's a little too early for that." She said. That doctor still hated me; I could almost smell the venom spewing from her mouth with each word she spoke to me. I didn't like her she didn't like me it was a wonderful relationship we had.

I suspected it was Benny who had convinced Theresa to have consent to surgery, and that probably meant she had accepted the deal to turn state against Eickman. I sought Benny out later, and he so modestly accepted my unspoken thanks. I wonder if I mentioned how much I liked Benny. His words frightened me though. "He'll kill her, and she'll never get to testify. He'll kill her, he'll kill us both." Suddenly I realized that if Eickman believed I had something to do with Theresa's decision- I may have been in trouble as well.

I waited around the hospital until I was convinced Theresa would be all right, then I went back to the office. I think I may have even had a smile on my face. Often I feel like the things I see are part of a badly choreographed movie, and when I got back to the office and saw Bobby and Helen locked in what seemed to be a very intense embrace, I wished I knew where the damn stop button was.

I wanted to run I wanted to scream I wanted to break down the door and tear them apart. Mainly I wanted to look away, but the voyeur in me kept me glued to the spot. It may have been my overly active yearning imagination, but I'm sure I noticed something about the way he held Helen. Not the same as he held me, there is no way I could elaborate on that, whether he held her more intensely or more nonchalantly than he had held me I didn't know- it probably only looked different because I wanted it to so badly.

The ringing phone snapped me out of my hazy voyeuristic state, pulling me back into a reality I simply wasn't ready to face. `Another wonderful phone call' I thought as I drove, this time to the city morgue. Just the place I wanted to be right now. The U.S Attorney I had seen my fill of over the past few days was there waiting for me, and he lead me into a room more still than death.

A lump lay covered on the silver table. I wasn't ready to see what was underneath, even though I had been informed of who it was over the phone, I wasn't ready. But, what kind of person could ever be ready to view death- not the kind of person I wanted to be- that's for sure. The green cover was whipped back, revealing the head and bloody chest of John Eickman. Three bullet holes evident in the center of his chest in a triangle shape.

"That's him." I told the U.S Attorney. "John Eickman, that's him." He looked me over, trying to gather clues just from the expression on my face. "Do you have any idea who could have....?"

"None." I cut in. I knew it would have been Benny, or at the very least he would know who did it. But I had done everything unethical recently, why not add lying to that list? I was glad he was dead, I had no feeling or sympathy for him.

Perhaps the only loss I felt was that of my innocence. In one week I had gotten rid of my drug dealers, avoided every ethical obligation I had to save a woman I hardly knew, convinced one client to turn against another at the risk of his own safety, lost the only person I felt I could turn to in any situation- and had managed to desensitize myself to murder. All in all not a bad effort for someone trying to cling to a belief system they seemed to have lost such a long time ago.

I went home in a state of despair. I didn't even bother to turn on the lights. I simply walked inside dropped my things onto the floor, walked into my bedroom and cried myself to sleep.

The End

Til next time....feedback sent to: lisa_beyond_2000@y...



Title: Victim Of Circumstance Part 5

Author: Lisa

A/N: This part covers the episode 'Line of Duty' if you havent seen it I'm sorry- coz you're totally missing out- it's a great ep. Thankyou thankyou thankyou to Livvy without whom this part would have been possible, just a little less in quality, because lets face it- Livvy's the man- sorta. Thankyou to my Ally who never listens to me but surprisingly has a lot of constructive things to say. Thankyou to Jewel pretty much for just being Jewel, who we all love. Thankyou to Rose because if encouragement was for sale she'd be a millionaire, to Sahiti for her endless pleas, To Tracy for coming back to us, and for Bron, coz she's just so damn cool. Cheers

Disclaimer: It's time to relax, you know what that means, glass of wine your favourite easy chair and of course, this compact disc playing on your home stereo....oops thats the disclaimer for an Offspring CD,...my bad. DEK owns all characters....he does not own me however.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

"Bobby's an honest guy right?"

Helen asked me as we ate our lunch. The bluntness and technicalities of such a simple question forced my mind to wander...this whole day had felt like one long scary day-dream, and now to have Helen questioning me like I was some kind of character witness...it just wasn't the kind of day where I wanted to force my brain to work...and only so I didn't say something stupid and reveal that I was a total liar. Was Bobby an honest guy? If you ignored that he was lying to his girlfriend- I guess so. Unfortunately- and just to complicate things a little further- he was lying because I'd asked him too. So it really wasn't an easy question to answer. I know I've mentioned how the legalities and ethics of my job run a completely parallel course, and this day had given me another perfect example of that. Bobby and Helen had managed to move their relationship forward, and as happy as I was for him- I was still uncomfortable, but this wasn't about me.

They'd moved forward and run themselves right into trouble. He slept at her house, she got a work- related phone call, he overheard and realized it was work-related for him too and called an early morning meeting with Eugene and I.

*=*=*=*=*

"Helen got a call last night." Bobby said it so casually, so comfortably it actually took me a second to realize what that meant. Trying not to feel the knife that the knowledge that he'd already slept at her place plunged into my stomach was really hard. It wasn't so much jealousy, but after the first time it took a long time for Bobby to stay at my place- he seemed so reluctant at times. I guess this illustrated more clearly the difference between Bobby in a real relationship and Bobby in what was our relationship.

Bobby was prattling along about his hunch being wrong, but I barely noticed his anxiety- at first anyway. Eventually the things he was saying got through, despite how much I didn't want to hear any of it. Then the lawyer in me took over, and sent the ex-lover packing. This problem was too big to let Bobby get carried away trying to deny. I tried my best to get him thinking clearly, which was hard, because the truth was so dangerous for him in this case.

Helen's office was planning a raid on John Isokov's safe house. Coincidentally John Isokov was a client of ours leaving Bobby in a bit of a quandary as the information about his raid had come straight from Helen's mouth.

I didn't want to remind Bobby about his obligations to Isokov, so I remained quiet knowing that Eugene wouldn't leave it out. Bobby glanced at me a few times- he wanted to know what I thought he should do.But truth be told there was nothing I could say to help him now. There really was no way out of this for him, he had to tell, but Helen's my best friend and I just couldn't bring myself to tell him he had to betray her. To not do so was to betray the ethics of the law. But the law was losing its lustre for me.

We all go against the ethics when they become too binding, too disgusting to live with. I did it myself less than a month ago in an attempt to save Theresa Cortez but it's a personal choice and I wasn't going to make it for Bobby. If he choose to keep silent I would support him, it would have been hypocritically of me not too but if he choose to ignore his own needs and uphold the law then it would prove once again he's a stronger person than I am.

I couldn't tell him to ignore his obligations for the simple reason that I knew that once any lawyer disregards the 'code of ethics' they are likely to forget all the reasons the code even existed. I was still suffering from my decision to help Theresa, once the line is crossed, it can be nearly impossible to draw it again, and a lawyer who can't see the line is lost. The law can be black and white if you stick to it, but once you find yourself standing in a grey area, there's a chance you'll never get out.

I was worried about Bobby, I was worried about Helen, I was worried about me. Bobby seemed really agitated, I took it as a sign that he had started to fall in love with her- especially considering I've never seen Bobby this hesitant about giving a client information before. The fact that he was even considering going against his own spiel about 'defending the guilty to help to innocent' proved to me that there were some strong personal feelings involved for him here.

I found his conflict suddenly became my resolution. Since our last time it had crossed my mind that if there came a time when we were both ready there may have been a chance for us...to have some sort of 'conventional' relationship. This reminded me that Bobby's future was taking a new path, heading in a new direction so to speak, he was moving on while I seemed to be standing still- and I decided I wouldn't let that go on anymore.

But as important as this epiphany was to me, I wasn't the one in trouble here. Bobby and Helen were, and I so badly wanted my two best friends to be happy so if being together was going to make them happy, I'd do whatever I could to be supportive. I knew them both so well and I knew that whatever the outcome, Bobby and Helen could be in some trouble. I was right.

I was the last one in the office to find out that the raid had gone bad. Three police officers were dead, and Isokov was in hospital. When I got back from the courthouse Bobby had gone to the hospital, where he had run into Helen. Being the smart woman that she was, it didn't take Helen all that long to figure it out- Bobby had given Isokov the tip, and instinctively Helen blamed herself. Bobby came back from the hospital looking nsurprisingly downtrodden, his hair was ruffled his look a little less composed than usual and the bags I had noticed under his eyes earlier were so much more prominent now. He was still beautiful- but I wasn't allowed to notice that.

"What'd she say?" I asked him.

"Nothing. What could she say? What could I say? I just left."

"Bobby, this was just a fluke of circumstances, you both have to realize this.

"Five people are dead." He whispered, his voice devoid of the usual Bobby bluster. I looked into his eyes and saw in the pain and sorrow reflected there how deep Bobby's guilt ran. I'd never seen him like this- ever and became plagued by the fear that all this guilt would destroy him.-

Eugene spoke to Bobby until the door opened and an entourage of acrimonious police officers entered. They arrested Bobby, fought him every step of the way even though Bobby made no attempt to ever resist them. They grabbed him roughly, forcing him forward, he fell to the floor under their force and cut open his forehead as they dug their knees into his back, cuffing him and dragging him towards the door.

I didn't know what to do...I'm a tough woman but suppressing the urge I had to grab their batons and beat them over the head with it was probably one of the wisest decisions I've ever made. It was also one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, I couldn't react violently but I had to react. So I stood there and yelled for them to get off him...but apparently I wasn't loud or important enough. I watched as the charged him with reckless homicide and dragged him out of the office.

oh and the skirt was on sale too hehehehe *Lisa*

I wanted to be at the arraignment, I wanted to offer my silent support to Bobby, but after the way the police had treated him it was decided Eugene should go to monitor the very real threat of physical harm. I waited at the office and Eugene called me after the arraignment.

"It's bad Lindsay." He said "They've brought in Silverman- they're seriously going after him."

Asher Silverman, Bobby's very own Public Enemy Number One. He was the most distinguished D.A when it came to homicides. He'd lost hardly any murder trials in his whole career- and one of the losses was to us, hence his serious dislike of Bobby. Eugene was right to be worried, Silverman was only brought in on the big cases...when they were serious about winning he was their main man- and suddenly my fear for Bobby's freedom became all too real.

*=*=*=*=*

So there I was, having lunch with Helen, trying to defend Bobby as best I could, all the while pretty much lying to her face.

"You really can't take it personally Helen, you know you cant." I assured her.

"You don't think that..." she started to reply then paused as the waitress refilled our cups. "Lindsay, we were making love on the bathroom floor when that call came in." That was just more information then I needed, it was hard enough for me to deal with them being together, now I have to listen to semantics as well. As much as I wanted them together I had no desire to listen to details. There are some things I just didn't need to know. But this wasn't about me, I had some trouble disguising my shock though.

"Bobby in a bathroom?" I gasped, glad I wasn't drinking anything.

"That's not really the issue." Helen stated, her annoyed expression displayed something else as well...I hoped it wasn't curiosity...when Helen suspected something she was like a dog with a bone. "I know, a bathroom, it just seems a little exotic for him" then realizing the possible connotations behind that remark I quickly added "From what you tell me."

"Well you know him more than I. I know he felt an obligation to the client." She looked me right in the eye, the kind of look you know will see through all your lies, and asked "Bobby's an honest guy, right?"

And suddenly I was snapped back to reality, the thoughts of the day gone by disappeared as I tried my best to be stoic when I answered what should have been an easy question. The question that I heard floating around my head fifty times at light speed before I answered it, the question I continued to hear long after our conversation had ended.

"Bobby? Of course...he's honest." I stuttered, wondering how she would believe that when even I wouldn't have.

"Why do you say it like that?" Helen looked scared. I was scared...I couldn't lie to Helen when I wanted to...imagine how hard it would have been when I didn't want to. I was also scared that Helen would discover that Bobby is an honest guy...except when I asked him not to be.

"Like what?" I asked, trying to act confused.

"With your voice fluttering a little."

"I'm not fluttering."

"You are." She insisted

"I'm not!" I tried my hardest to convince her.

"Is there something you're not telling me?" Helen stared at me with her 'I'm a big tough lawyer, don't lie to me' look and my heart started beating so hard I was afraid it would jump out of my chest and onto the table. I really didn't think she knew anything about Bobby and I, but I couldn't be certain so I answered her question with another question, "What would I not be telling you?"

There was a lengthy pause where I felt totally exposed under Helen's ice cracking gaze. I took the time trying to come up with something to tell her. It wouldn't have mattered...Helen knows me so well she knew I was lying she was like a living lie- detector. - I just hoped she couldn't figure out what I was lying about. Finally she relented, I guess she figured she had no reason not to believe me- I felt like the biggest snake.

"Flutterer." Helen made one last jab.

"I'm not fluttering...damnit!" We sat there for a while longer, Helen drinking her drink whilst continuing to give me suspicious and confused looks before we finally left and went back to our respective offices.

As I drove back to work my mind was everywhere but on the road, the contradictions of my thinking were making me feel dizzy I didn't want to betray Bobby's trust but the thought of continuing to lie to Helen made me feel sick to my stomach, she was my best friend we had shared everything since college. Bobby was a little different though, and I had a strange feeling that Helen may not be too thrilled about having unwittingly shared him with me briefly.

It occurred to me that maybe Bobby wanted her to know now as well, and that the thought of telling her might not be so repulsive to him. So perhaps before I ran off and spilt our secret to alleviate my own guilt, I knew I needed to tell Helen but owed it to Bobby to tell him I was doing so firstI Feeling slightly better I drove the rest of the way back to the office thought-free...almost.

Bobby was in his office when I got there, he wasn't working though, he just seemed to be scanning his office with his eyes like he was looking for something- or maybe looking at what he might lose as a result of his arrest.

"How was your lunch?" He asked me, right before he entered into a stream of other questions. "How is she? Did she say anything? Is she really angry at me?"

I didn't know which question to answer first, so I tried to answer them in the order he asked. "Lunch was fine, Helen is ok- but confused, she knows why you did what you did, she's angry Bobby, but if you were asking me...I think there's still hope for you two."

He sighed, and seemed temporarily relieved. "How are you?" He asked. Why? I don't know, he had no reason to be worried about how I was. He was the one looking at prison, he was the one whose relationship was in trouble, but he asked and the way I saw it, he gave me the perfect opportunity to bring up the other Helen topic. "I'm fine. I want to tell her about us." I said, waving my arm between us.

"Tell who?" He asked, getting worried.

"The Queen, Bobby...who else. Helen!"

"What do you mean you want to tell her?" Ok perhaps he wouldn't be as glad as I would be to get rid of this burden. Either that or he was really stupid.

But at the same time it hit me. What was I thinking asking him to do this now? How deluded was it considering the timing? I had almost allowed myself to be entirely selfish, originally I had just wanted to help them get through this problem- then all of a sudden I'd come up with something that could ruin them completely- and that was not what I wanted. But I'd started the conversation- I had to make him hear me out.

"I know the timing of this couldn't be worse, but she's one of my best friends I cant' lie to her- I just cant." It was true, it wasn't just that I didn't want to, I really couldn't, I'm such a bad liar...especially to Helen.

"Let me just recap things to see if I understand things correctly." He said and I realized that it was a male philosophy that when all things fail...resort to sarcasm and I so enjoyed it when Bobby spoke to me like I was 3 years old.

"While you and I were being 'recreational,' Helen asked you if there was anything 'going on between us, and you said no- because you sensed that she was interested in me, and that if she knew about you and me...this would be a deterrent to Helen and me ever getting together."

"Correct." What else could I say.

"Then Helen and I did get together, and you and I stopped being recreational and you said there was no reason to tell her because the past was the past and it didn't really effect her."

"Correct" Oh, I was master of the one-word that day.

"So, what now has changed?" he asked exasperatedly.

"What's changed is that this a little bit of a crisis here and I feel like a liar by not telling her." It felt good to get that off my chest. Even though I knew he was going to ask me to continue to keep lying to Helen; even though I knew I'd say yes; even though I couldn't hide from the fact that I would do anything he asked; even though I could deny him nothing. Plus, half of me knew he was right, it was not the right time- would there ever be a right time? I dont know, but the part of that felt guilty didn't want to believe that Bobby was right.

Bobby sighed, and I immediately felt bad for putting this extra pressure on him- it's really not what he needed now. "Ok, here's the thing." He started "I really like her." Why did hearing that not get easier every time I had to listen to it. "At this moment she's not particularly liking me, she thinks I betrayed her. If she was to now learn that I had been sleeping with her best friend I'm afraid it would be detrimental to our progress as a couple."

"Yes...but..." I tried to interject, needing him to see it my way, I wanted to warn im that with my track record with Helen, she was going to find out sooner rather than later anyway.

"Lindsay, I agree at some point we should tell her, but could you allow me to put some distance between me and these multiple murder charges first?"

I was upset. As I always tend to get when I don't get my own way...but of course I could see the reasoning behind his hesitance. If the situation was reversed, I don't think I'd want anyone to know either. But I feared that she would find out eventually, and knowing Helen, she'd find out on her own. I would be stupid to underestimate her perception- she was smarter than she looked.

Even so, this was not somethine Helen needed to hear right now. She was already hurting and if she was to find this out- I worry that she'd never get over it, and Helen was my best friend, if that part of my life wasn't right I don't know what I'd do. But she was going to be hurt by us sooner or later, and I was so afraid of what would happen when she did find out.

"Ok, of course." I mumbled, fighting back tears in an effort that seemed to go unnoticed by him. I walked out, looking at him a few times with sadness in my heart that I know was visible on my face, and I left.

Keeping a secret was bad enough, actually being the cause of the secret was killing me. But Bobby wanted to keep it quiet, and there really wasn't much I wouldn't do for him. So I sat on the truth, and it hurt. Bobby's probable cause hearing served as a good distraction however, because the thought that he could lose his own freedom- and the damage it might do to him in the long term even if he was set free far outweighed my concern for my own conscience.

I couldn't be there for the actual hearing, but I was in the room with him and everyone else while we waited for the judges ruling.

Helen came in at that time, and I sensed she wanted to talk to Bobby in private, and I did the good-friend thing and ushered everyone out of the room and left them alone. We hadn't been outside for thirty seconds when we were told there was a ruling. Eugene told Bobby and Helen, and silently we all walked back into the courtroom. We sat right behind him...all of us so afraid of what would happen if we lost him. Helen sat at the back of the room, I think she wanted to be alone with her thoughts and feelings, so no one would see her failed attempt to be stoic.

The judge seemed kind of hesitant in the announcing of her decision. This was unfair I thought, it was legal ethics, Bobby was required to tell Isokov about the raid...and there was no way he could have anticipated an ambush. Yes the consequences had been tragic, but legally his actions could truly not have been faulted. It had to go our way, a jury would never see past all the hype surrounding this incident...the judge was really our only hope.

But she set him free. I felt the tears well in my eyes as soon as it hit that I wasn't to lose him- that we weren't going to lose him. He cried too, quiet, bittersweet and maybe remorseful tears. The judge may have prevented him from going to trial, but I knew that in Bobby's heart he'd already given himself a life sentence.

We went to Macall's to celebrate...without Bobby- or Helen. I figured they'd gone somewhere together, and in a way I was happy- for them. I did miss that it used to be me he'd turn to But those days were over, and when Jimmy asked the group if Bobby and Helen were having 'relations' I couldn't stop the smile spreading across my face. Life wasn't easy, life without Bobby was even harder, but I knew if I set my mind to it- I'd survive, and on good days, maybe I'd even be happy.

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End- Part 5. Thankyou for listening to my speech...no hang on...thats not right. Feedback can be sent anywhere you like- I'm not the picky type.

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