When people ask me my age (which happens everyday as it is not a rude question here), usually when I say �Twenty-four�, their first response is to ask why I am not married. This irritates me as it is said more commonly to women than to men. When I say I have other plans, or that I am too young, or that if I were married I probably would have not joined the Peace Corps, or any other response in Macedonian that I come up with at the moment, they nod knowingly and tell me that before I leave Macedonia, I will be married. I smile politely, but think to myself , �You�re a real comedian�.
Every guy I have dated in the last year and a half is laughing right now, because it is no secret that I have talked about the idea with a lot of negativity and yes, scorn. There are several reasons why the topic of marriage in general irritates me, the most important being the all too often true (albeit a stereotype) stereotype of women being anxious to get married before a certain age, and men being hesitant to make a commitment. Why does this irritate me? Let�s see - being placed in a gender role that (1) I didn�t choose and (2) that doesn�t fit, but that is held up against me like a ugly outfit. The bottom line of this is my being placed in a category with less power is no good for me. In other words, waiting for someone to make up their mind whether or not I am good enough, as I wait hopefully to give everything I have to someone who would rather stay free of me. It seems pathetic and desperate to me, and I reject it. Of course I suppose it doesn�t have to be that way, but admit it, it usually is.
I have been considering the theory that being with one person for your entire life actually goes against human nature, because marriage is nothing more than a societal institution. What other reason could explain the high divorce rate and the failure of people remaining monogamous for life? Because we aren�t supposed to! I find it difficult also because I absolutely refuse to make a promise that I can�t keep. The idea of telling someone I will be with them for the rest of my earthly life poses a problem for me. How can I predict who I will be in 25 years? So why should we? Some people think if you love someone that much, it will all become clear to you. Well, I have loved someone that much, but sometimes that is not enough. Who are you to judge what I understand? I am not a selfish person. Things change, and what if I wasn�t able to keep my promise? This actually is a very disturbing idea to me. I was raised Catholic, so the idea of no marriage in society does pose something of a moral debate when it comes to procreation.
When I play devil�s advocate with myself I argue that many of the world�s problems are caused by the breakdown of families, and all the consequences of children growing up in homes without people to look after them. And certainly I want to stress that none of this means I am suggesting that we do away with this institution (or that it would even be possible), however; the economic and societal ramifications of that are too complicated to be discussed here and not entirely necessary to make my points. I have hesitantly told a few people that I will never get married, and gauged their reaction. Only later did I realize that idea didn�t really affect me one way or the other. That is because I can still have all of the things in my life that are important to me: career and financial success, friends, companionship, a home, etc.
Since these ideas and thoughts of mine only have led me around in circles rather than to the development of further concepts and ways to solve the problematic areas that are posed by my theories, all this has been something I have been content to put on the shelf for the time being. I have also received a lot of criticism from people who claim that I feel the way I do about marriage because of the divorce of my own parents when I was very young. I disagree with this, because in fact I have had many examples in my life of successful and loving relationships. Besides, I feel that the impact of my parents� provision of a consistent, responsible and loving environment despite my growing up in two different households, in fact allowed me to grow up to be the healthy, functional adult that I now am. Although my parents have been and remain influential in my life, there is no question that as I have grown up, my decisions have not been modeled after those of family and friends, on a variety of levels, but on what I felt at the time were my own best interests.
These same people have gently pointed out to me that my theories may in fact be reflections of my disillusionment with relationships, after the abrupt end of my first long-term relationship and the subsequent numerous jerks, liars and mooches I ended up dating (they wear disguises, I tell you). <By the way, Eric C., you are exempt from this list, and I think you know that.> Well, my answer to that is I like to think that I have checked my baggage at the door each time, although I do admit this has become harder and harder to do as I have been betrayed in crueler and more unexpected ways. Maybe my downfall has been taking people at face value, the way I expect (and might I add, deserve) to be taken. I still believe that people can�t be held responsible for actions they didn�t commit, and that when you place continue to place blame on those who won�t accept responsibility for their behavior, it will only eat a hole in you.
And to be fair, I am hardly ignorant when it comes to human behavior. I hold a BA in Psychology and I think that at the very least, I am mature enough to develop theories and ideas as much from the careful observation and processing of outside information, as from my own personal experiences. I have prided myself in giving people chances, the way I guess I would like people to give me chances and not take a lot of their issues out on me (no luck there). The reason I am writing all of this is to provide some background into my way of thinking, in order for you to understand why I find the whole topic here so humorous.
I suppose there are actually additional complications that have factored into my thinking since I have been here. The main theme on that note would have to be gender roles and gender relations in Macedonia, which would be such a long journal entry were I to write it, it would probably take up all the rest of the room on my website, so I suppose I will touch on it only briefly and where necessary to make my points.
So where does all this come from? Good question. Like I said, just thoughts, things coming through the filter from the outside. A combination of many things in my life added to the fact that yes, I am young, I am motivated, and I want to go to the top and do it without someone else there to consider. Currently I guess where it stands is that I am not dating anyone, I am not interested in dating anyone, and I certainly have no plans for marriage, here or anywhere else. This part of my life is only about me, the same way the former part of my life in San Diego was always about everyone else. Perhaps you might say that what is missing from all this is a little faith on my part. Well, that might be partially true. However, when someone lets you down, how good will you feel to say, �But I believed in you?�
With all that said, speaking of humor - that has been the secondary approach I have adopted here in Macedonia in response to all the questions. The first approach was annoyance which didn�t serve me so well. When it comes down to it, I suppose it really doesn�t matter if people here smile and nod and insist that I find someone. The only thing that matters is what I do, and that will always be based on what I want to do rather than what someone else wants me to do. I certainly don�t want to offend someone by insinuating that the most important thing to them is not only not a priority for me, but something I secretly scoff at and don�t understand.
However, it is a little bit difficult to take when I have to listen to �Women need a man� and �Women can�t do anything without a husband� and �You can�t hope for anything better in your life than marriage and family� on a regular basis. In fact none of this means anything to me at all, the same way that the people who speak to me in this manner have no concept of a girl from California who bought her own car, attended college, worked full-time, didn�t walk down the street so close to other people that there was no room to see who she was, and had the autonomy from society to make her own decisions.
It never has even occurred to me to get married in order to achieve some kind of status or to have a decent life. (I wish women everywhere had the freedom that I have had to be recognized as strong, capable individuals in this way.) In fact the things that they are saying to me are the exact reasons I would never get married for: to feed someone, to wash their clothes, just to �be� with someone, anyone. I reject this idea, that I need someone else in my life right now, especially when I still laugh at the notion of cooking for myself. I have experienced how wonderful it is to spend time with people who complement your lifestyle and your activities, but just to have someone there - how can that be what it all means? Wouldn�t it be a longer, more careful selection process?
Maybe somewhere inside myself, despite my so-called jaded attitude I still hold out hope that someday I can find a person who is compatible enough with myself, who has similar goals and values, and who has the integrity to deal with me and with all people on an honest level, to consider being involved with. Maybe only then, and maybe only after I have traveled, completed my MA and even a PhD would I even consider allowing someone to share my life on a so-called �permanent� basis. Things change, and they change often. People change their minds about things unexpectedly, even after years together, and to me, that spells risk. Life cannot be lived without risk - you don�t have to tell me this, I am a Peace Corps Volunteer in Eastern Europe! I think I have enough risk in my life right now, thank you very much - I can�t even use my two burners on my stove top at the same time without blowing out all the power in my little apartment, sparks and bad smell included. I will have all the fun I can here and when I leave, it will be with a bare finger, and you can take that to the bank.