So I guess I forego my usual Saturday night activity of going out to Tropic, the most un-tropical place I have ever been, Pehcevo�s only �disco� � complete with high school clientele, concrete walls and a dirt path through the grass to get there � with Nikola because the weather sucks and I don�t feel like getting dressed up. What�s new over here? Well� I have reached a point in my service where I barely speak Macedonian anymore. Why exactly, do I feel so guilty about this? It irritates me at times that I feel obligated to speak a requisite amount of Macedonian while other PCVs, especially those in larger towns and Skopje, the capital, have Macedonian and international friends with whom they only speak English. In addition, I sometimes feel as though people would have the same opinions of me no matter if I spoke their language or not � that I jet off to America whenever I feel like it, that I have an unlimited amount of funding for their wild project ideas, that I should pay twice as much for grocery store items and cab rides as the locals do, that I need to find a Macedonian husband before I turn 26 and become an old maid, etc.
I think I have not only hit a plateau in my language acquisition, but as my relationships with host country people deepen and English becomes the primary language of my communication with certain individuals with whom I am closest, it feels inauthentic to me to speak to them in Macedonian now. (I don�t care if they speak.) Sometimes relationships evolve past a point where I can express myself in Macedonian. I always hit a point where I want to switch over and say something in English, and 99% of the time I do � because I am confident that they will understand; often the response is in Macedonian but I understand it all because the people I talk to are aware of my limitations, and it works for me. I still enjoy the hell out of sitting in a caf� or talking to old people or neighbors I barely know in Macedonian, and trying with a smile to decipher their dialect. They are impressed with my level of language, and it boosts my confidence.
Although passive knowledge of a language is, obviously, inferior to active knowledge, maybe for me � the PCV who was always showing off my knowledge of the language last year and teasing volunteers who didn�t use or need (according to them) their Macedonian language skills as much � the real point now is just communication. If we understand each other, why does the language matter? I�m not pushing my language � I�m just trying to be heard. Two trips back to the States during my service have put things into a different perspective for me. A bigger world is out there, and as I am wrapping up the process for my graduate university applications, I am more aware of it than ever. That�s not to say that using the Macedonian language isn�t important to me anymore. If I say I don�t care or I�m not motivated to make more progress, I�m only telling half of the truth; I guess I just got tired of being on the underfunctioning side of the seesaw.
When it comes to speaking Macedonian these days in front of my colleagues, or in front of close friends, I just feel more and more like a jackass. Maybe I am spoiled by have been able to express myself the way I want. I tell you, gone are the days I had my first year here when I felt so isolated, like no one knew me, appreciated me, or understood me. That validation has become something of a drug to me. After having a Macedonian boyfriend for three months who spoke no English, I have to say that it somewhat turned me off to feeling obligated to speak the language as my primary means of communication. I remember last year weeks when I would barely utter or hear a word in English � I feel much happier and more productive now. Thinking of how I used to sit in the office with Nikola and silently spin my wheels for ten minutes trying to figure out how ask a particular question, and then, unsure of my pronunciation or grammar, sheepishly say nothing, makes me laugh.
When people tease or chide me for speaking mostly in English these days, I remind them of their own stated goals to better their English, and explain that I don�t speak Macedonian to them for the same reason that they don�t speak English to me. Everyone wants to express themselves in the best way they can! It sounds maybe arrogant to say, but in 7-8 months I will be gone from Macedonia, and they will still be here, and learning to speak English will give them a leg up on other people for say, job opportunities. (I am thinking of concrete examples here, but I won�t go into detail.)
Anyhow � does anyone have an opinion on any of this? Obviously� I feel some guilt or distress about the situation, exacerbated yesterday when one of my colleagues openly admired the language abilities of one of my fellow PCVs. I tried not to get defensive or make justifications (as I have just been doing the past page and a half); I just smiled and took advantage of the fact that Macedonians often communicate indirectly as to allow other people to save face.
What else has happened this week? I went to Nikola�s this week and watched �Troy� on pirate DVD and photographed his yard and greenhouse with my digital camera at his request � some of the pictures are already posted on this site. He wanted to measure the progress of his tomatoes over the next couple of months. He�s got tomatoes, zucchini, pumpkins, green beans, potatoes, apples, pears, berries, carrots, cucumbers, and I can�t even remember what all else. I �almost� adopted two kittens who I found outside my building a couple of nights ago. But after buying them milk and tuna, and after an hour of skulking around in the dark to find someone�s yard that had sand in it left over from some construction project to make a litter box, and then waking up in the morning to see that one was wetting on the couch and the other one was busy pooping under my chair (this after I had put them in the box NUMEROUS times and scratched their little feet around), I�d already had enough and returned them, with food, and a rug in a box, back to where I found them. I realized that I can�t assume responsibility for the man who decided to throw them out like trash (he openly admitted this to me, when he came upon me feeding them the evening before).
My sage and parsley are growing well, as is the cactus, but the rosemary is looking pretty weak for some reason. I have also recently acquired a broccoli plant, which needs to be transplanted before the roots coming out of the bottom set into the concrete of my balcony!! This coming week I intend to get some flowers, house plants and tomatoes. Nikola is going to make good on his promise to help me make my balcony the most beautiful in Pehcevo!