But I started the actual countdown at the 90-day mark, at the end of September. I have been crossing off one more day each night on my calendar before going to bed, and around the 50-day mark I started keeping track on a whiteboard in our office. I drew a Christmas tree and every morning when I came into the office, I would subtract one day from the current number.
People that know me throughout Pehcevo have been joking with me a lot over the past two months, asking, �Ushte kolku dena?� How many more days left? They always laugh at my ability to answer immediately, because it is always in the forefront of my brain. When I tell them, they make a little motion with a raised hand, indicating that after that, I will be �outta here�.
I have had to explain numerous times that I don�t hate it here, and that I am not anxious to �escape� but rather that I am just very excited to go home and see my family, after longer than 13 months away. One of my colleagues made a joke that while I am gone, they will start the countdown until I come back, which was sweet. I have also had to explain numerous times that this is just a vacation, and that I actually will be returning to Macedonia for the second half of my service. For some reason, a lot of people haven�t believed me. I have even had to reassure my landlord for the past couple of months that I will in fact be coming back.
I think a lot of that is related to a few things. Firstly people are not able to imagine �volunteering� per se because they don�t have barely enough to survive themselves (that is a context people from poor countries are simply just missing). The idea of having so much that you would go on some �mission� to a poor country to live 27 months and work for free usually generates a shocked and disbelieving laugh as they stare at you, trying to figure out when you hit your head. Secondly, the desire that so many people here express to �get out� � but because of the ridiculous visa process for Macedonians to go anywhere outside their own borders, even just for a vacation, as well as the difficult economic situation, �escaping� is nearly mission impossible. For Macedonia who don�t have electricity let alone even know how to use a computer, the way I went online and booked a flight and just like that, I will be welcomed into the United States is just incomprehensible. And so, that is a context that I can imagine (because I have lived here for a time) but not relate to.
Going home will mark the literal halfway point of my 27-month service as a Peace Corps Volunteer in Macedonia. It will be a time to reflect, to gain a new perspective on what exactly I came here to do, to see family and friends, and let�s be serious� to EAT and to SHOP!! There are so many things I am so excited to do � see all my family and friends, sleep in my bed with flannel sheets, have a wide variety of available and international types of food, go in a mall, drive a car, talk on a cell phone all night (unlimited night and weekend minutes), buy everything that I have been missing, to walk up to anyone and know I can speak in English, and just generally to be in a society that is transparent and where I understand everything. It is really hard feeling like a jackass all the time and not knowing what is going on around you!!
So, today there are 9 days left - we�re in the single digits now. Last night I was about to leave to go to the fitness center and exercise, and I called a cab. Because of the snowy and icy conditions, I had to wait about 45 minutes for it to arrive. So instead of being annoyed (we only have between 5:30 pm and 8:45 pm for exercising there three times a week) I just went in my room and packed one suitcase, filled completely with things to take home that aren�t coming back. By the time I left to go work out, I felt even happier than before.
For all the small things I have managed, for all the mistakes I made and times that I sat upset or disgruntled in my apartment while going around in circles trying to comprehend something, for the help I gave and my desire to stay when others would have left � this is my reward. A trip briefly back into my own reality, out of my exile (albeit self-imposed) to remember how it once felt to be me.