I'm in a Rut!!!
by, Lisa Stratton
I feel it seething in my brain
But, I don't know what it is.
I'm sure that it is on the very tip of my tongue
But, I can't seem to find it there either.
I know, at least, that it is a calling, a yearning.
I feel compelled...... by something, by nothing.
Inexplicable enaction of an enigmatic force.
Drawing me in? Pushing me away? Bringing me down? Up? Left? Right?
Keeping me stationary?
I mean, who am I, really? Who are you?
Who are we? Who are they?
Is there ultimately any difference? Does it matter?
What does it mean to question these things?
The worst part is that I know some things.
I know that I will never answer these questions.
I know that I will never identify this distracting force.
I know that I will never adequately explain its effects to you.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and think.
Insomniac to the bone. I love it.
Some thoughts that creep up on me should be shouted from the rooftops.
Others should be calmly and thoroughly explained on a TV info-mercial that I can't
afford.
In my mental playground, somewhere between the conscious and unconscious,
I find that all of my thoughts are noteworthy.
They have great value and merit; and could probably change the world if I let them free.
Yet I repress them.
My lack of communication skills is disgraceful.
I will NOT pay those wonderful thoughts the injustice of expression.
I know, I know. I should take notes.
I should jot things down here and there, and pick away at them until I have a well
articulated Brain-Fart.
I CAN do that. I won't and I don't know why.
I think there is some degree of selfishness in that.
m-e-g-a-l-o-m-a-n-i-a. I'm right. I know it all and, I have it all figured out.
I'm better than you and I like it that way.
Or maybe I'm afraid.
I'm afraid that no one would listen and no one would care.
Then I will have succumbed to vanity.
Maybe...Just maybe that is the true face of the unseen force that plagues me.
� 1999 Lisa E. Stratton
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