Awareness Came Slowly

Awareness came slowly. His hearing was off, with even the closest noises sounding oddly muffled and mouse quiet. Switching to smell, he found that it was off as well. Picturing the dials, he realized that they were all set near zero, and adjusted them accordingly. When everything was back at normal, he opened his eyes. A hospital exam room.

What am I doing here?

He closed his eyes again and tried to remember the last few hours, but everything was a blank. Okay, this wasn't normal, but it also wasn't that unusual. Sometimes it happened. Maybe he'd zoned and been brought here by some passerby. Wondering if Blair had been called, he opened his eyes to search for his cell phone. That was when he noticed it.

It.

His stomach.

What the hell?!

It was rounded, and well, huge. It looked like he was smuggling a basketball under his hospital gown. He tentatively reached out his hand to touch the...his...it. He stopped short of completing the movement when he realized there was something different about his hands as well.

And his fingernails.

His nicely polished, pale pink fingernails.

Jim closed his eyes and took a deep breath. I'm just hallucinating. He reassured himself. He lowered his hands to rest on his chest but jerked them away like they'd been burned. His chest...his breasts?? This is too weird! It has to be something Blair made me eat. Still, a possibility began to take root in his mind, an impossible possibility that kept insisting he face the apparent facts. Not a hundred percent convinced, he slid his hand over his hard belly. Do pregnant women really feel like this?

Easing his hand down further, Jim still expected to grip his cock and wake up. It was either that or pinch himself, and well, to be honest he needed the comfort of knowing junior was still down there. His pubic hair seemed thinner, almost like it had been trimmed, but he didn't have long to worry over it, because his fingers were continuing their slow slide down...down...down...

He screamed.

Then screamed again when he heard the high-pitched sound coming from his mouth.

What the hell is going on!!!

The hospital room door flew open, slamming against the wall behind it. Blair. His beautiful Blair rushed to his side, taking his hand and stroking his face.

"It's okay, Jamie. Everything's alright, I'm here," Blair soothed. "And our baby is just fine, too."

"Baby?" Jim asked.

Blair nodded, but before he had a chance to continue, the door opened again. Jim's eyes were drawn to the tall figure there. Simon...but not.

"How's my favorite pregnant detective doing? No, never mind," pausing and raising a hand with long red fingernails, the visitor continued, "you never tell me the truth anyway."

He-She-turned to Blair asking, "How's she doing, Sandburg?"

"Si-Simon?" Jim gasped as his fragile calmness crashed and comforting darkness closed around him once more.

***

When Jim opened his eyes again everything seemed to be back to normal as his eyes locked with Blair's concerned baby blues. Baby. Oh shit!

Reaching out with a tentative hand, he again felt the hardness of his stomach, felt Blair's hand also resting comfortably on his pregnant body.

"Jamie, love, how're you doing?" Blair said softly. "You gave me a real scare."

Looking around, Jim noticed that they were still in the hospital room, but that they were alone.

"What happened?" he asked, almost afraid to know the answer.

"You don't remember?" Blair asked, rubbing circles on Jim's stomach.

"No. I...well, it's all a blur."

"You were in a meeting with Simone and-"

"Simone?"

"Your captain," Blair answered, frowning. "What do you remember Jamie?"

"Why do you keep calling me that?" Jim snapped.

"Jamie? Because it's your name," Blair said patiently.

Jim watched Blair open the drawer in the table next to the hospital bed and pull out a purse. Oh god, no. Withdrawing a wallet, Blair opened it and slid Jim's driver's license out.

Jim's shaky hand reached for it.

//Jamie Josephine Ellison-Sandburg, 852 Prospect #307, Cascade//

Blessedly, a nurse chose that moment to come in, giving Jim a few minutes to assimilate this information.

"Mr. Sandburg, we need you to sign these before you take your wife home."

Blair handed Jim the wallet and turned to see to the details of Jim's release.

The wallet rested heavily in Jim's hands. His life-this life-was in this wallet, all the answers to the questions about who he was. She?

Pushing that idea aside, he opened the wallet. Credit cards, a library card, business cards all with the name Jamie Ellison-Sandburg on them. A photo holder caught his attention. There was a picture of him and Blair, well, *Jamie* and Blair, at the beach, Jamie in a bikini. Jim smiled to himself I make a pretty good looking woman.

He pulled out the next photo and examined it closely. It was taken the night he was named Cop of the Year, and there he was holding the plaque with Blair on one side and Simon-Simone-on the other. And he and Simone were wearing formal gowns. Oh my god, is this what it's like to lose your mind?

Taking a deep breath, Jim flipped to the next picture. It was one of those formal jobs taken at a studio, and recently considering Jim's protruding belly and Blair by his side, but who were those other people? The younger woman reminded him of...no, it couldn't be...Steven? Then that would make the older woman his...dad?

Blair returned to his side, absently stroking his cheek as he gazed at the picture.

"I still can't believe Wilma wanted to take a family portrait. You've got a great mom, Jamie, and she's gonna make a terrific grandma," Blair said, then paused, considering. "I just don't know how Norm's gonna handle being a grandpa. I mean, he wasn't much of a dad to me, but I guess it's easier being a grandparent."

Jim looked at Blair then, taking in all the emotions that played across his *husband's* face, and felt a wave of love crash over him. He remembered clearly the love that they shared, the passion, the desire; his heart pounded in his chest as he realized that this most important thing hadn't changed. He loved Blair, and thank God, it was obvious, Blair loved him.

His eyes drifted downward from Blair's cerulean blue eyes, past his full, luscious lips, along his firm, stubbled jaw, sliding a long the enticing v-neck of his shirt, then over to the strong shoulders and down the lean arms to the expressive hands. Hands that Jim remembered could be both passionate and tender at the same time. Remembered very intensely. Lips parting, Jim took a shallow breath and watched Blair's hand reach towards him, but instead of touching him, it carefully flipped the plastic in his hand over, revealing a new photo. A wedding photo.

There was Blair in a tux, hair loose and free like Jim liked it best, and beside him was Jim-Jamie-in an ivory gown holding a small bouquet of flowers. It's true, it's all true, but why can't I remember it? Jim berated himself. Well, at least he remembered Blair and the love they shared. It was enough for now, the rest would come back in time.

Replacing the wallet, Blair smiled happily and asked, "Ready to go home?"

"More than," Jim agreed, silently hoping that once they got home more of their past together would come back to him.

Jim sat up, well, tried to sit up, but the muscles of his stomach had long since given up the good fight and Blair had to help him. Then, leaving Jim to sit on the edge of the bed, Blair dug through the bedside drawer and handed him a pile of white fabric. Jim sat there, flabbergasted, trying to make sense of these unfamiliar items.

"They took them off of you for the exam," Blair supplied.

Not wanting to think about the implications of *that* any longer, Jim slowly separated the garments.

No way!

Holding up a pair of incredibly large white panties, Jim met Blair's eyes. Blair didn't say a word, but his glance at Jim's stomach said it all. Taking the offending garment, Blair knelt in front of Jim, who obediently, if not embarrassedly, stepped into them. He took over the job of pulling them up when he felt Blair's hands on his thighs. Breathe.

Picking up the large, matronly, stark white bra, Jim realized that he was going to have to confront at least the top half of his naked body. Blair moved around the bed and deftly untied the gown. It slipped off Jim's shoulders, revealing good sized breasts, but it was the nipples that caught his attention; they were huge! He quickly tried to cover them as Blair moved around to face him, but again, Blair took the garment from him. Once again, Blair showed no hesitancy or surprise at Jim's body. That calmed and reassured him just as much as Blair's loving caresses.

Finally, the simple flowing dress slid over Jim's head easily, its volume did little to camouflage his protruding stomach. Standing, Jim slipped his feet into a pair of low heeled shoes and picked up the purse that Blair had left on the table by the bed. Feeling the weight of it, Jim glanced in-gun, shield, hairbrush, lipstick. For a brief second, Jim had no idea what he looked like, could pull no image of himself up, could remember nothing of his physical self neither male nor the female one other than what he had seen while he dressed.

Stepping towards the bathroom, he sensed Blair close beside him, watching his every move. Jim flipped the switch, the florescent lighting blinked on, and he stepped in front of the mirror.

His physical appearance was a surprise, a good one; whatever he had been expecting, it wasn't this. His sky blues eyes were the same; as where the chiseled features, softened but still clearly defined. The shoulder length hair was new to him. In the pictures he'd seen, it had been shorter. He stood for a long time, just looking, feeling Blair's gentling hand on his back. Finally, Jim opened his purse and took out the lipstick and hairbrush. Might as well go with it.

Once he was finished, he followed Blair out of the bathroom, for the first time noticing the wheelchair.

"No way," Jim said automatically.

"Procedure," Blair countered.

Shifting from one foot to the other, Jim became aware of a dull ache in his feet and back, and thought better of the awaiting wheelchair and the long walk to the car. He slowly moved to the chair and sat down as gracefully as possible. Blair moved to kneel in front of him, lifting Jim's feet onto the braces, then, giving Jim a strange look, Blair nudged Jim's wide spread knees together and then moved back behind him. Blushing, Jim rested a hand on his pregnancy and closed his eyes, praying for his memory to return.

***

The elevator moved with familiar slowness. Everything was more familiar after the ride home. Being beside Blair in the truck, even with the younger man at the wheel, was comforting. They were almost home.

Blair slipped the key in the lock and opened the door. Preceding the younger man into their loft, Jim was shocked to see a room full of women, women that were familiar while at the same time strangers to him.

"Surprise!"

Jim stepped back, shaken, automatically reaching for Blair's reassuring presence. An older woman stepped forward, concern written all over her face. Jim recognized her from the photograph in his wallet, his *mother*.

"Mom?"

The group of women hovered as Simon-Simone-and Blair helped him to the couch. He was handed a glass of water and when he looked up to thank the woman he recognized her as his brother.

"Stevie?" Jim asked softly.

Surprise written all over her face, Stephanie smiled, "You haven't called me that since we were kids."

Jim watched his mother and sister clasp hands, it was so familiar and yet...

He heard Blair talking to him, questioning him and focused his attention back to his husband.

"Are you okay, babe?"

"I'm fine, Chief," Jim said, clutching Blair's sturdy hand, not completely sure that he was okay, but needing to reassure his partner.

"Do you want to go lie down?" Blair asked. "I forgot the baby shower was today; I can tell them to go home if you don't want to do this right now."

Looking around, Jim finally noticed the decorations, the pink and blue balloons, steamers, presents, a table of food. This was for him; well, for him and Blair and their baby. Jim forgot everything else, forgot his unease, his sense that there was something wrong, and let himself feel the moment, the love, the joy.

"When can I get some of that cake?"

A chorus of laughs filled the loft.

Jim noticed Blair disappearing into the background, but he always felt his husband's eyes on him as the day passed. One by one, the women came to him, expressing their concern for him, and in each of these women he saw the men he knew. They were all there: Simone, Joella, Henrietta, Brianna. A surprise guest, home from college, greeted him with a kiss on the cheek.

"Congratulations, Jamie!" the young black woman gushed. "I'm so happy for you and Blair."

"Thanks-," he started, unsure what to say, but Simone interrupted.

"Darlene sure surprised me when she walked in. She never even told me she was coming," Simone teased his daughter. "You sure you aren't missing any classes?"

They walked back over towards the table, and Jim's mother took a seat next to her daughter.

"Are you really okay, Jamie?" Wilma asked, holding his hand.

"Yeah, mom, I'm okay," he said, feeling that way for the first time that day. "And Blair says the baby is okay too."

"Oh, I'm so glad. My first grandchild." Her smile was genuine, and it filled Jim's heart with so much happiness that he felt tears touch his eyes. Life was good.

***

The last present had been opened, the last game had been played and the last piece of cake had been secured in Tupperware. The ladies were sitting around talking and drinking coffee. Blair had joined them, sitting next to Jim, as always.

Darlene answered the door when someone knocked. Her shriek startled the room.

"Melvin!" Darlene hugged the man tightly.

"What're you doing here?" the man asked, the telltale Australian accent giving him away.

They chatted on as another man stepped inside.

"Dad!" he heard Blair say.

Jim watched the red headed man step forward into Blair's hug.

"How are my sweeties doing?" he asked, turning and patting Jim's stomach.

"Fine, Norm, fine," Blair answered for all of them. "Tell me about your trip."

The two men wandered off, sharing a laugh and catching up.

Jim turned back to the group of women when he heard one of them say that it was time to go. Looking outside, he realized that several hours had passed and it was well into evening. Everyone said their goodbyes, with only Norm, Simone and Melvin sticking around. Simone and Melvin sat closely together on the couch, and for the first time Jim realized that there was more between the two cops than just friendship. It wasn't exactly regulation for a police captain to date one of her officers, but it wasn't unheard of for co-workers to fall in love, especially ones that worked in life-threatening career fields, to depend on that person for your safety. Jim was happy for them, happy they had found one another and love.

"So, what's up with you two?" Jim asked them, smiling cattily.

They looked at each other for a long moment and then Simone giggled. Then Melvin giggled. And then Blair giggled, and pretty soon they stopped giggling and dissolved into gales of laughter. It was only later, after Simone and Melvin had gone home and Norm was fast asleep in the day bed in the baby's room, that Jim realized that his question had gone unanswered.

Jim was in bed, his large nightgown covering his pregnant body, watching Blair undress. It was something he did every night, unable to tear his eyes away as each bit of Blairskin was revealed to him. He loved the younger man with all his heart, loved him so much that he knew he would never be able to survive if he ever lost him.

Finally, clad only in boxers, Blair slid into bed beside Jim. They curled together, Blair hugging Jim close, his hand resting naturally on Jim's stomach. Jim sighed in contentment and scooted closer, then froze when he felt Blair's erection against his ass.

"Mmm, you feel good, babe," Blair whispered against Jim's neck.

"Blair..."

"I know, Jamie, it's too late for us to make love, but there are other things we can do," Blair said, his hand sliding higher to cup Jim's full breast, his thumb ghosting teasingly over the nipple. Jim arched into the touch, the pregnancy making him more sensitive than usual.

"Feels good, doesn't it?" Blair asked, rubbing his erection more firmly against Jim.

Jim laboriously turned over, facing his husband, his hand moving between them, cupping Blair's erection through the thin material. Their lips met softly, parting, tongues touching intimately. As their kisses deepened, Jim's hand slid into Blair's boxers, finding heat and hardness, steel and satin. Blair thrust into Jim's hand, his tongue mimicking the action; he wasn't going to last long. Jim hastened his strokes, craving Blair's orgasm almost as much as the younger man did.

Gasping, Blair shuddered and came, spilling his hot ejaculate over Jim's caressing hand.

"Love you, Blair," Jim whispered.

They held one another until Blair's body stopped trembling and sleep over came them.

***

Awareness came slowly. His hearing was off, with even the closest noises sounding oddly muffled and mouse quiet. Switching to smell, he found that it was off as well. Picturing the dials, he realized that they were all set near zero, and adjusted them accordingly. When everything was back at normal, he opened his eyes. Blinking slowly he reached for the coffee cup on the bedside table, but halted his hand in mid-reach. Something was odd...again. Where was the pale pink polish on the nicely manicured nails? Where.... His hands...they were his hands again.

Throwing off the covers, Jim realized that his stomach no longer protruded. It was a dream! he rejoiced silently. Needing one final bit of reassurance, Jim laid his hand on his firm pectoral muscles and slowly slid it down the muscled plains of his abdomen, through his thick pubic hair to grasp his morning erection. I'm back! It's back! I'm a man again!

Stroking his cock absently, Jim sighed. Everything was back to normal, yet something was still wrong.

He thought back over his day as a woman. Well, it hadn't been a day, more like a handful of hours. Hours that had been unlike any he'd ever spent before. And it wasn't just that he had been a woman, it wasn't the things that had been wrong with those hours that was sticking out at him, it was the things that had felt right that called to him.

It was the commitment and security that he had felt when he realized he was married to Blair. The love and acceptance that he felt from this mother/father when they talked about the baby. The connection he had felt with his sister/brother when they talked about the past. It was the support and concern that he felt with his friends, male and female, as they rallied around him, celebrating his happiness. It was the feeling of joy. Joy that he rarely felt in his life.

Yes, Blair loved him, was devoted to him, but they had no commitment other than their unspoken bond. He'd rarely felt the acceptance of his father or the connection to his brother, even now when they were trying hard to become a family again. The support of his friends, while it was always there, had always been on an unspoken level. And he no longer felt the joy he had experienced the day before. He felt empty. Lonely.

He wanted the joy back.

***

"Jim? Come on, man. Listen to me," Blair said softly, trying to coax his Sentinel from a zone.

Slowly Jim's eyes refocused on Blair. Wonderful, terrific, lovely Blair.

"I love you," Jim said.

"I know. I love you, too, Jim," Blair replied.

Smiling, Jim couldn't help himself, "Say it again. Say my name again."

"Jim?"

"Again."

"Jim."

Pulling his Guide into a hug, Jim wrapped his arms securely around him, loving the way Blair felt against him. Jim lowered his head, nose to Blair's neck and inhaled the scent he loved so much; pure, clean Blair.

Jim's mouth opened and his heart poured out.

"Oh god, Blair...I want to marry you and have kids with you and tell everyone in the world that I love you. I want my father to know and my brother, and I want Simon to be my best man. And I want..."

Blair stopped his declaration with a firm kiss. Their tongues mated, their flavors mixed and became one, they relearned the texture of tongue on teeth and the pleasure of teeth on lip. It was a mating ritual, as instinctive as it was sensual. It was over too soon.

"Jim, babe, what's with you today?" Blair asked huskily.

Looking into Blair's eyes, full of love and wonder, Jim was once again filled with the joy that he had been missing all morning.

"I just realized what was important to me, and I didn't want to lose it."

"Telling everyone about us and getting married is important to you?" Blair questioned, knowing that Jim had always been the one to keep their true partnership secret.

"Not having secrets and being accepted by the people we love is important to me."

"And if they don't accept us, Jim, then what?" Blair asked, trying to prepare Jim for the alternatives.

"Then I'll always have you, right?"

"You asking me to marry you, babe?"

"Yes," Jim said firmly. He slid off the bed to kneel next to Blair. "Blair Sandburg, will you marry me?"

Silently Blair lifted Jim's hand to his lips, kissing each finger tip, then each knuckle, peppering more and more kisses until the silence scared Jim.

"You're starting to worry me, Sandburg," Jim said, his voice nearly wavering. "What are you doing?"

"Don't mean to worry you, my love," Blair said, pausing his actions. "I'm just kissing you once for every year of happiness we're going to have."

Nothing else could have been more right.

"Then I definitely want to help."

And Jim did.

Joy.

The end.

Spoiler Warning: This could be considered a male pregnancy story. Could be. It's in there, but not...well, actually it isn't a male that's pregnant, but it isn't one of the guys. Well, okay, it is one of the guys...no, it isn't...well... :)

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