Is It Over Yet?

Tell me when I can open my eyes
I don't want to watch you walk out that door
There's no easy way to get though goodbye
I'd probably try and talk you into staying once more

There's nothing left to say. We literally talked 'us' to death. Blair is leaving me.

He said that he would always love me, but that he wouldn't stay. No, he said he couldn't stay. What did it matter; Blair was leaving.

I can hear him moving quietly though the loft, picking up odds and ends; the last remaining evidence that Blair was ever here. He packed most of his clothes yesterday, removing every trace of himself from upstairs. Well, maybe not every trace. I'll still be able to use my senses to find a hint of Blair long after he's gone.

I know the last two weeks have been hard on him. He lost his career, his Ph.D., his self-respect, but I know that didn't eat at him like my betrayal did. I can't even explain it to him, why I lost faith in him. I sometimes forget that words can hurt more that actions.

I believed in Blair not to hurt me, not to 'out' our secret to the world. Where did that belief go? As soon as I heard someone call me the Sentinel, all my trust in my Guide and lover went out the window, and I refused to even let him try to explain. I was too hurt, too scared. I willingly believed that he had done it on purpose to keep him at arms' length so he couldn't hurt me again.

When he gave it all up, when he announced to the world that he was a fraud, I knew he was doing it for me and it made it all the worse. I'd tossed him to the wolves so I could save myself. I'd given him no other option, no safety net.

Or I'd lie and say it's all for the best
Wish you luck and say I have no regrets
But I'm not up to being strong
So I'll wait until you're gone
Is it over yet, is it over yet

I tried to make it up to him. I used my abilities to force the Chief of Police to give Blair a badge. It's amazing what someone in authority will do when he believes he's above the law. I tried to anticipate Blair's desires and needs to make him happy. I let Naomi burn sage and rearrange furniture and cook weird food, anything to appease the Sandburg family. Anything to please Blair and make him stay, but it didn't work.

He knew what I was doing, knew why I was doing it, and it didn't help. There's nothing I can do to make up for everything he's lost. Except let him go.

I hear him sigh behind me, but I can't turn away from the window, I can't look at him. It would be so easy to fall to my knees and beg him to stay, but that's not fair to him. I told him I'd wait, that I would be here when he came back. When...if...please come back.

"Jim?"

"I'm not zoned, Chief." I answer the question I know he intended, and hear him smile.

"It's time," he says softly.

I just nod my head. There's no way I can possibly say goodbye to him, so I just stand there. It's bad enough that he's leaving, but I can't watch him go. Maybe somebody stronger could, but I can't.

A taxi's waiting in the driveway for you
You call my name, I guess you're ready to go
I'd like to help you with a suitcase or two
But I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up down on my knees

He lets the cab driver in and gives him the bags to take down. Most of Blair's stuff is in storage in the basement until he either gets settled somewhere or comes back. I hear the familiar sound of Blair shrugging his backpack onto his shoulder, and know that our last minutes together are here. I don't have any idea what to say.

"Goodbye, my Sentinel," he whispers, the sound of his tears is loud in my ears.

He waits a second more and then the door clicks quietly closed behind him.

I finally turn, and he's gone. Stiffly, I make my way to the door. The air here still smells like him, it's still warm from his presence. I lean my head against the cold wood.

"Goodbye, my Guide."

I don't even try to stop the sobs as they wrack my body; tears flow down my face and wet my shirt. I hear him get into the cab, and it pulls away; the sound of his heartbeat grows fainter and fainter until it is completely gone.

I'm amazed that I am still alive, I didn't know it was possible to live without my heart.

I should tell you that I want you to go
I really need to spend some time on my own
Smile and say goodbye
So you don't see me dying inside
Is it over yet, is it over yet

The end.

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