Disclaimer: These beautiful boys are owned by someone else, damn it!! The song "That's as close as I'll get to loving you" by Aaron Tippin was used without permission, as always! :) No copyright infringement is intended to anybody!
My wonderful beta, Diana, allowed me to borrow her name for this, and beta'd it anyway!! You're the best! Any mistakes are my fault entirely!
Notes: This song hit me between the eyes and I had to use it. It's not what you think it is. Trust me... :)
Summary: Sometimes you have to love someone enough to say goodbye.
Warnings: m/m, song lyrics
Close As I'll Get
It is so deadly to fall in love with someone who's in love with someone else, especially someone who considers you a friend and tells you every secret desire. The first time he admitted to me that he was in love with his partner and friend, I walked away. Just simply turned and walked away. I felt like a ton of bricks had fallen on my head, and my body just hadn't reacted yet. I was in shock. Here I was, playing the role of confidant, slowly leading up to making my own confession, but instead I got hit right between the eyes. The funniest thing is that I never knew he was bisexual, never thought that was an option. I figured that I could kick the ass of any woman that stepped near him. I didn't figure on a man being the competition. And I didn't figure that man would be a fellow police officer either.
Oh, I could see why Blair would be in love with Jim Ellison. Hell, I'd had a crush on Jim for a while after I first met him. He was always nice, polite, a true gentleman. I'd even gone to his wedding to Carolyn, although for the life of me I could never see the attraction. She was a closed off, cold, condescending witch; he was a warm, caring man. Okay, so maybe my opinion of them was and is a little biased, but who could blame me?
So, I was talking about Blair. Poor guy. The first day he came to the station he was taken hostage by Kincaid and his crazies, that's how I met him. After all the insanity, after Kincaid was arrested and things were getting sorted out, Jim took me aside and asked me to look out for Blair, make sure he was okay. I took one look at the curls and blue eyes, and I was hooked. I would have done serious harm to Kincaid given the chance. Blair was talking a mile a minute, wired about the events, and probably a little freaked still, but he only had concerns for the other people. I followed him around while he comforted Captain Taggert and talked to Captain Banks' son, Darryl, knowing that Jim would be upset if I let his friend out of my sight for long.
After everything had settled down and went back to its normal madness, Blair sought me out and cemented our friendship. He never encouraged me...well, that's not entirely true. He never consciously encouraged my feelings for him. They just built up over time. And every time he got hurt or was in danger, I tried to be on the scene if possible. He called Jim his Blessed Protector, and I started considering myself his Blessed Comforter. Each time something happened, and Blair couldn't talk to Jim about it, he talked to me. Confided in me. And there were so many times I wanted to tell him about my feelings, but I held back.
I remember vividly the day he told me that he loved Jim. It was a couple of days after the incident with the Golden. He'd had a bad trip and then proceeded to shoot up the police garage. Watching him standing on the hood of that police car, yelling about Golden Fire People, really freaked some people out, me included. And when he passed out in Jim's arms, I just ached to take him in mine. It was an actual physical ache in the center of my chest, like I'd been shot.
So, it was a couple of days later, and I saw Blair heading out to lunch without Jim, and I make my move. I offer to buy him lunch. We go to this decent deli nearby, and I can tell that he's a bit distracted. I'm a cop; I notice these things. Anyway, I open my mouth and ask him what's wrong, and he proceeds to tell me. He's in love with Jim, and Jim is dating a woman. Now I point out the obvious: they are both men. He gives me this look, and I shut up. He goes on to say that it's been building for a while now, and how he wants to tell him. I stop him right there. Jim Ellison is a straight man. Heterosexual. Very. But Blair just keeps talking, like he's trying to build up his courage to tell Jim, and who am I to not be his friend. And yes, I know it was a dirty trick. A large part of me was hoping that Jim would turn him down and that Blair would need a friend's shoulder to lean on; and yes, I probably would have taken advantage of his vulnerability and invited him into my bed, but it didn't happen like that.
The truth of the matter is that he did tell Jim, and the next time I saw Blair he was sporting major love bites and grinning from ear to ear. To say that I was disappointed is an understatement. To say that I was in pain would be more accurate. But it only got worse. They invited me over for dinner, well, Blair did. He told Jim that I was responsible for him finally telling Jim about his feelings, and I just sat there, choking down a beer and hoping that I could get the hell out of there fast!
Of course, that wasn't what happened. I always knew that Jim was a caring man, I just didn't realize how perceptive he really was until that night. He never said anything outright, but a look passed between us, and I knew that he knew. He knew that I loved Blair as much as he did, and that I would protect Blair if the need came up. I knew that he would keep my secret, protect my feelings, and never stand in the way of our friendship. It was like a peace accord--it benefited both sides.
I guess it was three weeks later when the annual Cascade PD Charity Revue rolled around. Someone volunteered me to sing, I personally think it was Blair, the sneak, and I couldn't say no. The problem was that I was so depressed, still in love but knowing that the feelings weren't returned. Unrequited love is one of the nastiest bitches in the world, only coming a close second to a female cop with PMS. I couldn't let anyone down so I agreed to sing.
The night of the charity event arrived quicker than usual and with a fist to the stomach. It was the first time I had witnessed Jim and Blair's love undisguised. I was getting some fresh air, waiting for my turn on stage, when I saw them kissing. No, they weren't just kissing; they were consuming each other. There was so much passion and desire in those kisses that I had to physically step back. It was that intense. I tried to escape before they could see me, but Jim's eyes caught mine, and I knew he saw the hurt. I hid when Blair came to wish me luck before my song. I knew it was childish, but seeing him, talking to him, would have just shattered me.
I walked out on the stage, shaking inside, but putting my best foot forward. I had chosen this song with Blair in mind. He was never very far from me. I refused to look for him or Jim. I wasn't sure I would be able to make it though the song if I met either of their blue eyes.
A single guitarist accompanied me, but I was alone on that stage, baring my soul. It was the last thing I wanted to do, but I had to.
Baby we'll never be seen together
At night on a crowded street
I may never reach across your body
To kill the light when you're asleep
Maybe I'll never see you dressing
Or I won't sound too familiar on the phone
But I can touch your hand accidentally
And take that moment home
That's as close as I'll get to loving you
Even though there's nothing else I'd rather do
I can dream, I can hope, I can scheme but still I know
That's as close as I'll get to loving you
I won't be there when you need holding
But I'm sure that he can pull you through
But I can sing this song to everybody
And pretend it's not about you
That's as close as I'll get to loving you
Even though there's nothing else I'd rather do
I can dream, I can hope, I can scheme but still I know
That's as close as I'll get to loving you
That's as close as I'll get to loving you
Even though there's nothing else I'd rather do
I can dream, I can hope, I can scheme but still I know
That's as close as I'll get to loving you
I couldn't stop the single tear as it slid down my cheek. I was saying goodbye. I knew it when I chose the song. I knew it two weeks ago when I applied for a transfer to Seattle. I couldn't stay here, watching Jim and Blair loving each other. I was happy for them, happy they finally got the chance and found the love they needed. I didn't want to hate them, and I knew that staying would only cause problems for all of us.
Jim found me backstage later that night. I didn't want to meet his eyes because they would only ask me questions that I didn't want to answer.
"Diana?"
"Don't say anything, Jim. There's nothing you need to say. But could you do me one favor?"
"Sure, anything."
"Tell Blair goodbye for me."
"What do you mean 'goodbye'?"
"I transferred to Seattle, effective immediately. I leave tomorrow."
His touch on my cheek made me jump, I couldn't stop my eyes from lifting or the tears from falling.
"Why?" he whispered.
"Because I can't stay here anymore. It hurts too much."
"Diana, you don't have to leave. Blair cares for you."
"Yeah, but he's in love with you," I paused, taking a deep breath. "I have to go."
I turned and ran. Chicken shit that I am, I couldn't stand there and try to explain to Jim how it felt. He was on the receiving end of that love, of the love that I coveted so. He would never know the anguish of seeing the man he loved in someone else's arms. He would never feel the envy.
I didn't sleep much that night. I tried to write a dozen letters to Blair and to Jim, trying to explain, but the pen just wouldn't connect with the paper. I finally decided that it was best left alone. Jim would take care of Blair, and I would survive.
My knees buckled, literally, when I stepped outside my building the next morning. Blair was sitting on the hood of my truck, waiting for me. I wondered how long he'd been there, and was thankful that it wasn't raining or cold. I shook my head at that, still worrying about him even though I was leaving.
"What are you doing here, Sandburg?" I tried to keep my face impassive, and my eyes down.
"Why didn't you ever tell me, Diana?" He wasn't beating around the bush.
"It doesn't matter now, Blair." I moved around him to stash my bags.
"It does to me."
I had to bite my lip from bursting into tears.
"Blair, please. You have Jim, and I have a new job in Seattle. Just drop it and go home," I pleaded.
"I can't let you leave knowing I've hurt you."
That's when I finally met his eyes. There was honest pain in there, pain for me, and it pulled an agonized sob from me. He pulled me into his arms, and I went willingly. I knew he was only offering comfort, but it was just as precious as if he had said he loved me. It would get me through the next couple of days, ease the pain somewhat.
I pulled away, knowing I had to, to save myself. I didn't try to hide my tears or my feelings. There was no need anymore.
"Blair, I hurt myself. Yes, I probably should have said something, but after you told me you were in love with Jim, it would have only hurt you. I couldn't do that."
"Don't leave, Diana."
"I have to go. Please understand. I value your friendship, and Jim's, and if I stay we're all gonna get hurt. Go home, Blair. Climb back into bed with the man you love and be happy. It's the only thing I want for you."
I broke away from him and climbed into my truck. My hands were shaking as I inserted the key in the ignition. I watched Blair watching me back away. He stood there on the curb, hands deep in his pockets, and let me go. I watched him in my rearview mirror until he was out of sight, and then I finally said the words out loud that I had only lived in my heart.
"I love you, Blair."
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