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Words To Live By |
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. |
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A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. |
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. |
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For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. |
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He who hesitates is probably right. |
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Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. |
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No one is listening until you make a mistake. |
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Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. |
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The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. |
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The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. |
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The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. |
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. |
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To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. |
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Two wrongs are only the beginning. |
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Two wrongs do not make a right, but four rights don't get you anywhere. |
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. |
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The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. |
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. |
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The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. |
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. |
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If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. |
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Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. |
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Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things. |
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A fool and his money are soon partying. |
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Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation. |
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. |
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Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it! |
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If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. |
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How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.... |
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Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade! |
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Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. |
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I'd kill for a Nobel P(e)ace Prize. |
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Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals." |
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Death to all fanatics! |
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Guests who kill talk show hosts--On the last Geraldo. |
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Do not take rat poison from the hand that criticizes you. |
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Chastity is curable, if detected early. |
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Don't be sexist; broads hate that! |
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Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. |
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Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. |
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Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. |
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Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. |
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Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. |
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Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back. |
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Beware of geeks bearing gifts. |
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Half the people you know are below average. |
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99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. |
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42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. |
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It has been determined that research causes cancer in rats. |
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. |
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.... |
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