Growing up in a fundamentalist family, I have always heard about the word "faith". From what I hear from the adults in the household, faith was something everyone must have in order to live. It was said so in the Bible. Being a kid, I thought that faith was then something akin to air, something we can't live without. And so I gave it no further thought, confident that I knew what the word means. When somebody asks you, "Do you have faith?", I could confidently answer yes. Otherwise, I wouldn't be here, right?
During services in our place of worship, the word also often gets used. Faith alone is not enough, the preacher said. We must also act in accord with our beliefs. Therefore, faith must be accompanied by works. This confounded me, because of my former belief that faith was something immanent and present in everyone. I thought we all need faith to live? If we need to work for it, why are we all still here? But more pressing matters, like what toys I would ask my parents to buy next, or where I want to go for the summer vacation, pushed the matter aside. I was still confused, but I know that I have faith, whatever it was. Maybe the things I do everyday, like brush my teeth and pray before going to bed, were the "works" that were required of me to have faith. And so, confident once again that I finally knew what faith entails, I forgot all about it.
Then, an adult I knew from our place of worship was suddenly disfellowed from the congregation. I heard that she had a "shaking of her faith", and this confused me once again. Was faith something like a maracas, the instrument my twitchy music teacher asked us to rattle while she did something she called Lambada? Was it where you put in the salt and you give it a little shake so that only a little comes out? I guess shaking it is a pretty stupid thing to do, since don't we need faith to live? It'd be like holding in your breath until you pass out just for fun.
Speaking of teachers, I once had a math teacher who hugged me before an exam and told me that if I got a high grade on the test, I would become the first honor student of our class. She gave me a thumbs-up and said, "I know you could ace this exam. I have faith in you". My eyes widened, because I wasn't used to hearing sacrilege. Wasn't faith something reserved for God? I was waiting for the teacher to be struck by a lightning bolt for doing something so bad as to confuse me with God. Or maybe she was a Catholic and saw in me the Santo Ni�o, like what they show on TV where apparitions happened left and right and students dropped unconscious while being possesed by the divine? I didn't know. But thinking about faith for a very young student was just too much. I worried about the matter, so I got a low score and ended up just becoming the second honors of our class for that school year. Bummer.
And when I thought I couldn't get more baffled, another statement sent me into new dimensions of confusion. A recent arrival in our church suddenly stopped attending the services. When some elder men asked him what was the matter, his answer was that he "lost faith". I was wondering why he was still standing there. Shouldn't he be dead by now? Also, I got worried, because maybe faith could be dropped like the marbles I was playing with that morning and subsequently lost. Who knows? Maybe I'll suddenly drop dead, and the doctors would tell my parents, "I'm sorry, your son dropped his faith somewhere and so he died". Pretty unfair to be responsible for something so important but you couldn't even see!
As I grew up, things became a little more clear for me. Faith was when you believe in something so passionately that you are willing to bet your life on it. It is said that without faith, we die. That is because if we have no anchor point on which to focus our life upon, we'd be like small boats tossed and swayed by the winds and the waves.
Hebrews 11:1 described faith this way. "Faith is the assured expectation of things hoped for, the evident demonstration of realities though not beheld." The succeeding passages then details examples of faith from men of faith. Therefore, faith, although you couldn't see it, is something immanent in all of us. We couldn't see air, yet we know it is there because of "evident demonstration". In a similar manner, we could not see God, nor could we see what fate has in store for us. And yet we continue to believe that he exists and that our futures would shine brightly.
Eventually, I discreetly left the religion of my parents and went my own way. I have always been a headstrong child, and when I grew up I knew I had the freedom to pick which path I would tread. I took that basic right. But that doesn't mean I lost faith. I'm an optimistic dreamer when it comes to matters of faith. I choose to believe that there is always something better.
When people nowadays ask me if I have faith, I still confidently answer, "Yes". I have faith in the goodness of the human heart. I have faith that the divine intends for us to figure out which path to carve for ourselves. I have faith that we will still make it despite how much we muck our world and ourselves up. I have faith that Karma will intervene and make those who deserve misery and suffering get it by the bucketloads. I have faith in the people around me. I have faith that love still exists and I am not just fooling myself. I have faith in myself. I have faith that I could be so much more than who I am right now. I have faith that I would be forgiven whatever things I decide to do. I have faith that I have my place in this world, I just have to keep on looking for it.
I have faith. And in the end, that's all we'll ever have.
