Author: Lipstickcat
E-mail: [email protected]
Pairing: Squall/Laguna
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Squall needs to forget
Warnings: Incest. Somewhat angsty. Bittersweet ending
Disclaimer: They�re not mine .
Notes: The idea come from a throw away comment in a story that was posted a while ago. Its not exactly what I set out to write, but sometimes a story just writes itself. Thanks to Mistigri for beta-ing.
Feedback feeds the muses�.. ;)
***
Fire and ice battled together. Wind and electricity found companionship. There was water and magic and so much more. They all filled his head. It didn�t hurt; it was a numbing feeling really. It was hard to imagine that one mind could accommodate so many GFs. He knew that one mind shouldn�t. He could feel them, jostling inside his thoughts, looking for their own territory to nest in. His head felt thick, swollen, so heavy he couldn�t even lift it from the pillow.
He lay flat on his back, staring up at the ceiling, his eyes tracing shadows and cracks that he�d never had the time to notice before. His fingernails lightly scraped across the cotton of the sheets beneath him as his hands curled and uncurled.
He could feel them, every last one. Some were familiar friends who�d helped him out in the heat of battle, who recognised his mind as home territory. Others belonged to other SeeDs, they felt lost and wanted to go back to minds that they knew.
It had been easy as Headmaster; he had called the entire Garden to his office one by one, and taken their GFs. He�d begun with his friends, in case they figured out what he was doing before he could complete it. They�d been the most trusting and willing to share.
There had been a moment, in the middle, where it had become second nature. He�d gotten the act of junctioning down to an art. The GFs had slipped from the others� minds and slotted into his in a matter of seconds. But the more he got, the harder it had become. Space was becoming limited, even in the infinity of the mind. As he sat there, looking so cool and composed to the succession of his students, he could feel them beginning to make more space inside his head. He was forcing them to make space.
A knock at the door, he would have turned his head to face it, but the movement seemed like too much effort.
�Squall? Squall? Are you in there?� it was Zell. A smile formed on the inside, but didn�t quite reach his lips. He knew it wouldn�t take them long to realise that something was wrong.
�Fuck off,� the words were slurred, he felt punch drunk. His tongue wasn�t quite doing what it should.
�Squall?!? Are you ok?�
He didn�t bother to answer, instead concentrating on the single sharp claw that was gently digging deep inside him. He knew that it wasn�t really touching the tissue of his brain, but he could understand it better if he pictured it like that; his memories were the soft pink matter and the dragon GF was methodically burrowing its way into it.
It had been hard to get up and walk out of his office. A wave of dizziness had made his head loll and he�d stumbled into the doorway. He must have looked drunk, walking back to his room, with purple and orange lightening flashing before his eyes. How he remembered to lock the door, he didn�t know. His bed had never felt so soft.
He wanted to forget about him.
There was talking outside the door. Voices that he could still give names to. He�d forget them, he�d forget them all, but he didn�t care. He didn�t have a single memory that he wanted to keep. There were some that he didn�t particularly need to lose, but he didn�t need to keep them either. If he had to relearn how to walk and talk, then so be it. If he could just forget about him.
He�d lived with it for months now; the knowledge that the man who had kept him going through the hardest trial of his life was his own father. The nights when the pressure had become too much and he�d gotten lost in fantasy, he�d jerked off to thoughts about him, about his long silky hair and the constant smile in his eyes. He�d pictured him naked as they stood and talked together, and then filed those pictures away and pulled them out again when everything seemed hopeless. He�d told himself that when everything was over and the Sorceress was defeated, he�d go to him, give himself to him, take him.
The biggest hard on of his life, and it was over his own father.
After he�d found out, he�d tried to take it back. He�d tried to tell himself that he couldn�t have known, that he wouldn�t have felt this way if he had. But still, even after he knew, the thoughts wouldn�t leave him. When he was alone, he�d picture Laguna naked, imagine the sleekness of his muscle, the smoothness of his skin. He�d imagine how he�d taste, how it would feel to have him over him, inside him, to be inside of him.
He�d make himself sick, just to make the thoughts go away. He felt so guilty, it ate at his guts. It was wrong and he felt perverted. But it didn�t stop him. He started to throw himself into his work, to deny himself any time to think. But Laguna was visiting them all more and more frequently, and Squall was dying to touch him, to do what he�d planned to do after the war was over.
He had to forget. He had to forget about this man and what he felt for him. He had to wipe his mind clear of all the images and fantasies that his mind had catalogued since the first time he had seen him. The GFs would force him to forget.
There were more voices now, but they were completely muffled to his mind. All he could hear were the cries of GFs filling his entire being.
�He�s junctioned every GF in Garden.�
�That can�t be good.�
�No. No one person has junctioned more than twenty in one go before. No one knows what kind of toll that many GFs will have on a mind.�
�We have to do something.�
There was a beak, peaking and tearing chunks out rapidly, shivers of electricity accompanying each sharp point of contact. Savage teeth and claws ripped memories from him and discarded them thoughtlessly. Bird GFs gathered the tattered remains and lined their nests with them. Knives and swords carved their way down into his mind.
As each memory left him, his body shivered a little, as though someone were walking over his grave. With each thing forgotten, he felt a wave of panic pass over him, but he couldn�t remember what he�d lost, so the worry subsided until the next uprooting of his mind.
He stared blankly at the ceiling, not even registering it any longer, his fingers stilled and his breathing slowed. Soon he�d forget how to do even that.
�Let me do it!� Laguna took charge and ran at the door. His shoulder thudded against it, causing it to rattle, but it didn�t give. Ignoring the shudder of pain that jarred down the length of his arm, he backed up and ran at it again. And again. And again.
Suddenly, the door swung open, the lock shredding the doorframe in splinters. Laguna stumbled through, followed by Squall�s friends and several SeeDs. Laguna hurried to the bed, pausing to examine the hollow grey eyes of the figure lying there. He straightened up, the others in the room waiting for his cue.
�Draw!�
A soft murmur left Squall�s lips as a bright light surrounded him. A tingling flooded him, soaking through his limbs and travelling up his body. He could feel the light, searching through his head, like fingers, wrapping around its occupants and pulling them away. Balls of energy left his mind. Some left as easily as they had entered, some fought to keep their hold on their territory, claws and teeth pulling up further memories as they were dragged away.
As the last GF was removed, Squall moaned. His head hurt, it throbbed like his whole brain was pulsating, but it felt so light. He rolled it back and forth a few times, feeling the stiffness of his neck muscles. He blinked as a face appeared above him.
�Squall?�
Should he know this man? He felt he should, but couldn�t find a reference to him in his mind. He had pretty turquoise eyes, sparkling and soul deep. Fine laughter lines edged them, although at the moment he looked worried, sad even. Squall didn�t want him to be sad; it didn�t suit that beautiful face. He wanted to see those luscious lips smile.
A name came to him from somewhere. It didn�t come with any other information, but it was a start. Was this man some kind of knight?
�� Sir Laguna�� his voice was a quiet whisper that only they could hear.
Laguna�s eyes softened a little, the pupils dilating briefly at the sound of the name. A wary smile turned the corners of his lips up.
�Squall�.�
Squall�s hand twitched and, awkwardly, he lifted it. The action took a lot of concentration. He swept silky soft hair away from Laguna�s face and pressed his palm against his cheek. Laguna held his hand there, leaning into the touch, a happy sadness in his eyes.
Squall could feel it as Laguna�s eyes searched deep inside his, looking for something, for a sign of the person that he was. Squall couldn�t remember this man at all, and it was obvious that he should. His brain couldn�t tell him anything, but his heart� His heart was speaking volumes.
He loved this man, he knew that. He wanted him. He had wanted him for a long time.
Acting on instinct, Squall pushed himself upright and pressed his mouth against Laguna�s.
Nothing had ever felt more right.