Author: Mistigri
Email: [email protected]
Disclaimer: The bailiffs may bang at the door, but they can't take the bish away. They're not mine.
Warnings: Angsty
Rating: G
Summary: Ban watches over Ginji as he sleeps and has a tough decision to make
Pairing: Ban/Ginji
Feedback; I'm writing angsty fiction - I clearly need to be cheered up with feedback;)
Thanks to; Lipstickcat as ever;)
Notes; Written for Kujakku who got me into this anime. Arigato gozaimasse!^^
It took forever to get him to go to sleep.
It didn't seem to matter how many times I murmured that it was just the jyagan, that it wasn't real, that it was the same as what he had seen a hundred times before. In his mind, he had watched me die.
True, it had hardly seemed dreamlike, it had seemed so real, but it was just an illusion. But still, Ginji kept seeing it over and over, and no matter how tight I held him, whatever words I whispered, he still couldn't believe that I wasn't dead. That I was still here, with him, that I always would be.
But would I? However much I promise him that we'll always be together, or remind him that the "s" in Get Backers means we'll never be alone, what if one day I can't help it? Someday my luck will run out and Ginji may have to watch me die for real. And then there will be no one to console him, to put him in a head-lock and chide him for being silly, to stay awake long into the night just listening to him breathe, making sure he really is all right.
What would he do then? No doubt he would take revenge, but afterwards? Would he return to the infinite city? Back to the Volts? He left them far behind, he is no longer the Raitei they followed. He never asked for such a position, such responsibility, but he bore it as best he could. He has a childlike heart - he is too naive, too innocent to hold such a role. Who would take care of him? Who would protect his gentle heart from a world that is too cruel for it?
Tonight I have seen what losing me would do to Ginji, but only a faint reflection of what his true pain would be. He can sleep peacefully now because he knows I am alive, and I'm here, but what about the day that is no longer true? I won't be able to help him then. I will be the one to make him suffer most.
Ginji moans slightly in his sleep, his hand fisting in my top. I wonder if he's dreaming. And if it will turn into a nightmare. Should I wake him now to save him from it? No, it's better to let him sleep.
I know what people think of me; that I'm cold, ruthless, uncaring. So maybe that's true, but with Ginji, it's different. I would do anything for him, even against my better judgment. I chased a truck down to save him though it meant facing Himiko and a cold-blooded assassin. I can't turn down a case when his heart is set on helping, even when I know it's beneath us, or a waste of our time. He's the only person who's ever made me act this way; I'm a better person when I'm with him. I can forget my past, and so long as Ginji's happy, I find I am too.
So I won't make him suffer.
My death would tear him apart, but what if he had hope that I was still alive? What if I was just missing and he could track me down if he just tried hard enough? He'd have a purpose and I think that would keep him going. He could survive without me if he had the hope that I would be just around the next corner, or down the next road. And Ginji never did know when to give up; he'd follow me forever, his faith in finding me someday never fading.
And of course, I'd know that he was always there, just behind me, reaching out to me with his heart. That if I stood still long enough, he would find me, but I know I never will. Because this way, when my past finally catches up with me, when at last I am punished the way I deserve to be, Ginji won't have to watch me die. He'll follow my shadow forever, always hopeful, always looking for me, sure he'll find me tomorrow and we'll be together again. I'll always be alive and with him in his heart and that's all that matters.
Gently I free my top from his fingers and slip from under the blankets. I kiss his temple before turning to leave. He won't understand of course, but still, he'll follow me. He may be mad at me sometimes but it will never outweigh the anticipated joy of finding me again. He never will, but the thought of it, the hope, the dream will keep him safe.
I pause briefly in the doorway, taking my last look at him. I want to remember him this way; warm and safe and happy, because that is the way he deserves to be. This way, even if I die, he'll never be alone.