Title: Porcelain
^-- title is from the song by Red Hot Chili Peppers. Merely because it was the song that was on as I wrote this. It's pretty....
By: Karasu
Email: [email protected]
Fandom: GW
Pairing: Zechs/Treize
Rating: Pg-13
Beta-read by Genji
Contents: yaoi implied, dark-ish, angsty, some blood/self-mutilation
Notes: Disclaimers apply. This is from Zechs' POV some time after episode 49 but before EW. Um... I don't know what to think of it. I want more to it but haven't figured out how to touch it up, yet. Perhaps more later, ne?
Fair warning.... my Zechs stuff is really depressive/depressing simply because I was going through a serious bout of depression during my Gundam Wing days ( ^^;; ) and at that time I was depending on writing for my therapy. (You should see the Duo fics X__x) In any case, on with the story....
~~~~~~
You'd said something... I heard it faintly. I'm not the sort to believe in magic and mystical occurrences but I felt it... here, in my walled-in heart. What did you say, Treize? Was it "I'll wait for you..."?
Wait for me where, I wonder. It's bitterly funny. There is no way I will be going to heaven, and if I go to hell part of it would be to never see you again. I already am in hell. I'm in a living hell...
What I would do to escape this...
I stayed awake, not in any way tired, and I just stared at the wall with a blank mind. Images of you invaded my thoughts, however, and two tears fell from my eyes. Why did you leave, Treize? Why did you leave me alone? I have to remain dead to everyone's eyes. I have murdered my name as Peacecraft, that is not my title. Not after what I've done, not after my hands have been doused with blood.
You cannot be waiting for me - it isn't possible. We made too many mistakes, took too many risks, and we lost it all. Didn't we? We lost our lives... just another sacrifice for the sake of peace. How long have we fooled ourselves? Peace... how long? Treize, how long will this precious peace last?
As I think on it now, I realize that you never would have allowed yourself to live, would you? You see yourself as only a tool in war... as the controller of all the battles. With peace, what would you have done with yourself? You wouldn't have lived... would you...?
Bastard. You're such a bastard. So damn selfish...
I'm a fucking bastard and _I'm_ selfish... so damn stupid... and self-pitying...to just be complaining over being left alone. For God's sake, I'm a grown man and I'm sitting here, crying, bent over, and staring through blurred sight at the small box that I have of your items. A photograph... a dried rose... a journal entry... a fancy napkin that we picked up from the restaurant we visited only once.
But you're gone.
It's not sinking in... I don't understand it. How can you be gone? How can you be _dead_ while I still have a beating heart?
I wish that pilot had killed me - wish the explosion had killed me. My soul's dead... why won't my body follow? Why won't this ache die, too? Why... over and over...
Why?
Yes, yes... aren't I being a selfish bastard? But there's no one here. Just me and my tears. Just me and these sobs. It hurts to breathe, you know. It hurts to do anything.
Ah! I pluck the glass from my palm, studying it carefully as my blood slips off it. I realize that I have snapped the picture frame, ruining it. My palm stings - a bit.
Red slides down my wrist towards my elbow, very slowly, and thins out before it ever falls. For some reason this angers me, and I take the small glass piece in hand and start tearing and slashing viciously at my arm, my palm, my wrist... anything at all. Anything to just stop this confused blur that's before my eyes.
It's red.
***
It's all red. My clothes are sticky, my hair's getting matted. What...? I'm dizzy... my arm aches terribly. But it's the sort of thing that signals that I'm alive... I'm here.
I look around. You're nowhere. I shouldn't have expected anything.... but...
God. Why have I always been abandoned?
Damn you...
..........damn you.....
..............Treize. Why did you leave......
I'm all alone again. I'm all alone but have to keep moving and walking. Have to keep acting. It's cruel. It's cruel, Treize.
...this hurts...It's all a blur... white and black and red... Wonder where I'll be going?
Wonder where I am.
>>Owari<<