Email: [email protected]
Title: Nothing Hurts When Sleeping 1/1
Fandom: FF7
Content: shonen-ai overtones, AU (then again we don't /really/ know what happens after game...), angsty, not a lot of action, it's mostly thought.
Pairing(s): Sorta Zack + Cloud + Sephi (that's my aim, at least)
February 20, 2003 - February 21, 2003 (Everything up to the last set of quotes was written in one sitting. The parts after were written on the 21st with only a bit of break between some points)
Summary: In the aftermath when Holy and Meteor combat each other, the crew's on the Highwind and Cloud's searching for his soul. Seems that two others are doing the same thing below, caught in the river of the Lifestream that's rushing over the Planet.
AN's: I've been considering writing something for FF7 lately. And I've been attempting to come up with something that could include Zack. Well, I was checking out for song lyrics, hoping to get inspiration for a brief one-shot, and I remembered I wanted to know some of the Ben Folds Five lyrics. (not necessarily for stories) Well, I opened Narcolepsy (which is probably by fav song besides Brick by the group) and it struck suddenly, my inspiration. I had no idea when it was going to be set, it just started writing itself. And then Cloud didn't want to ramble on his own so in came Sephiroth, and then Zack. My oh my, what have I done?
Er, another note (since I wrote the first notes before I was completely finished). Vincent and Cloud scene... it snuck up on me. I do love those two as a pairing but here they're meant to be merely friends who understand one another. ^_^V
Disclaimers: "Narcolepsy" is by Ben Folds Five. Characters are from Square's Final Fantasy 7 and obviously I don't own them. The fic is some of my own speculations on character identity and a possible occurrence while the game's ending. No profit is being made by anyone in any way shape or form.
"__" = dialogue '___' = thoughts or mental speech /___/ = italics
I should warn of some awkward sentence structures and weird grammar/punctuation at times. At the moment I can't think of anything better. ;;^^
~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~
I should warn you
I go to sleep
I know you don't
Know what I mean
Yet
Whether there was any conscious decision to do what he did, he wasn't sure. He wasn't sure if he'd really realized just who'd been shot, who'd been left bleeding, dying, cooling with the loss of blood and the pouring rain.
The sword wasn't too strange when he picked it up, he'd been allowed to practice with it before, preparing to get one of his own. He was going to get his own sword like that after the mission, after they got back from -
But that wasn't to be. There was no return from the mission, at least not as planned. So long, so much time had run past before they - no, /he/ - had ever managed to return again to the city where they had first met. Where they had been schooled and trained and assigned.
It was a lonely affair, entering the city, but the details he couldn't recall. He didn't try too hard, though; after all it wasn't all that important. Who cares to remember dragging themselves onto a train and just riding until you were thrown off? Who had seen him? Did anyone recognize him? Of course not, he was a nobody, and there was no one beside him... neither of the two people that he'd known that had been recognized by many, if not all.
Gone... gone... they were all gone. Even the true being of himself was gone. It had been sliced and diced and murdered in the five years of imprisonment in that hell called a laboratory. And after that he'd covered it all, covered all the hurt and pain and masked it with another's life that he'd always been somewhat envious of. How could he? How could he think he had the /right/ to do something like that? How could he just kill another's being just to replace his own?
He was ashamed, deeply so, with his actions. With his inability to wake up to reality and let those people he knew live in memory. "I'm sorry" he wanted to say, scream, cry, beg, yell, whisper... anything to vent it all out, try to make it known just how ashamed he really was.... But there was no one to really hear it. Not anymore. There were these people left, who stood around him in a sort of daze as they gazed off the airship, staring in shock; but it wasn't them that he had to say sorry to, not really.
I get upset or happy
I go to sleep
Nothing hurts when
I go to sleep
But I'm not tired
I'm not tired
Below there was green wavering light. Almost alive, taking over the blue of the sea and the mixed colors of land. Sometimes it killed, sometimes it gave life. There were screams, he thought, but they were faint and didn't really concern him. It was in there, somewhere in that green, that the people were that he had to say sorry to. It wasn't just the men he had known years ago, either. It was also to the girl he had to apologize to, tell her how he'd killed the memory of her former boyfriend because he was too selfish to awaken....
The green... it was taking and leaving what it wished at will, nothing could control it. What would be left, he wondered momentarily. What were these people around him thinking? Was anyone praying for salvation? He wasn't sure he cared, he couldn't really feel. He was so numb in this body that was soulless. He wasn't sure what was left in him that even let him speak, move, talk, as if he had a real personality. Who was he?
He wasn't what Tifa thought. He wasn't a puppet either. He wasn't Zack. He wasn't Sephiroth. But he wasn't the kid that had left Nibelheim, or even the one that returned there on the mission. Who was he? There was no answer.
He stared at the green.
It was the green of her eyes, and the green of /his/, too. He remembered the hand reaching out at the Northern Crater, trying to touch him one last time, but not for a call to battle - they'd finished that. Then again...? The thought suddenly occurred to him that maybe it hadn't been who he'd thought. His heart raced and his eyes widened, could it have been...
"Zack...?" he whispered helplessly, feeling the extent of loneliness suddenly to the extreme that it gripped his stomach in a clawed grasp. He exhaled quickly and sank to his knees, hands still gripping the rail of the Highwind tightly. No... He wanted... he wasn't sure. He just wanted something; he wanted that touch, wanted that instant back to move quicker and grab the hand, no matter what the consequences.
He shut his eyes tightly and sought for the part of his mind that he somehow could always trigger to allow him to forget the reality. All of it. He could just ignore it and fall into the peaceful sleep of darkness, or dreams, when they came.
~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~
I know it seems that I don't care
But something in me does I swear
I don't remember all last year
All about him the green rushed madly in unnatural currents. He was swept about, up and down, right to left, front to back, all at once. He wanted to scream out in frustration, for it was irritating, but not painful, for this "non-body" that he had in this space. Things were no clearer now in this green than it had been nearly six years ago. It had never made sense, and his mind had felt the way that his body was feeling now. Constantly torn and twisted.
At that time it wasn't up and down, right, left, front, back. It was the pull of friendship, love, work, disgust, loss of trust, half-informed knowledge. He didn't fear for his body, however, somehow he knew his body would manage in this wave of insanity, unlike his mind had. His mind had lost itself, he'd certainly lost track of it and his memories for long periods of time. The longest time involving the past year. He didn't know what he'd done, not completely. Whether that was purposeful on the part of Jenova or his own self shame, he wasn't sure.
He was ashamed, deeply so, with his actions. With his inability to wake up to reality and let those people he knew live their lives without his interference. "I'm sorry" he wanted to say, scream, cry, beg, yell, whisper... anything to vent it all out, try to make it known just how ashamed he really was.... But there was no one to really hear it. Not anymore. There was only this green, filled with a fiercesome power of life and death.
Who was he? That's the question he couldn't answer, hadn't been able to answer all those years ago, and it had been what had torn him apart. The image of himself that he had built for his own state of mind had been too weak to live up to the sudden introduction of a different idea. So... he wasn't the General, Jenova's child, Hojo's son, ShinRa's bitch[1], stoic bastard... But he couldn't be what he wanted to be. He couldn't be lover or friend or companion, for there was no one beside him to partake in such actions that would give reason for such a definition.
He couldn't feel the certain two he was seeking. Oh, one of them had been so close; he had sensed it during the end, right before he'd ended up in this rushing current of green, when he would briefly get glimpses of a familiar face. Too late had he tried to wake up, he knew now. It had taken too long. What a fool he was... But it was done with now.
He was left with the sorrow and the pain, and the constant search for the truth of what happened. Glimpses and flashes of bits and pieces of a journey flickered in and out of his mind, tempting, hinting, but not revealing enough. He shut his eyes tight and opened his mouth in a silent scream. He had no voice in this green. He begged for the darkness, called upon the saving grace that is sleep. A sleep that always takes everything away and lets one rest in the pure emptiness where there is no feeling and no acknowledgement.
~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~
I left you awake to cry the tears
While I was dreaming in streams
Flowing between the shores
Of joy and sadness
I'm drowning
Save me
Wake me up
He had always been around, lurking somewhere, usually in another's mind. He had been sleepwalking in someone else's body, not in control, merely acting, or at times watching when the other seemed to regain sanity. Tears were what he remembered most and felt the most. Tears running down cheeks already slick with rain. And there was blood everywhere, on the person's hands, blood from /him/. But he was supposed to be dead. He didn't get it.
Maybe it was all just some bizarre dream, brought on by too much testing, an overdose of Mako perhaps. Or that other thing the scientist had always tested with - Jenova cells. But no, that hadn't worked on him. That's why he'd tried so hard to find a way to escape, to get away from the laboratory that was killing his friend, the one who /was/ affected by those alien cells. "Hold on," he'd whispered, begged, each night. Pleading quietly and desperately for the other to hold on: "Don't leave me."
What cruel irony it was to have slipped away from the other when the time finally came for them to begin again. Start rebuilding happier times, one person short but still... Blood, on his real body, blood on his friend's hands. And those tears. He could see himself lying on the ground, sprawled out, looking like a doll thrown away by an irritated child. How could that be him? How could he let himself abandon the person that needed him so badly?
He was ashamed, deeply so, with his actions. With his inability to wake up to reality and support the people that needed him. "I'm sorry" he wanted to say, scream, cry, beg, yell, whisper... anything to vent it all out, try to make it known just how ashamed he really was.... But there was no one to really hear it. Not anymore. There was only this green, filled with a fiercesome power of life and death.
He wondered what this place was. He was confused being here, without seeing through the eyes of the one awake, living. Was this place the destination of those who died? Was this the... Promised Land? He'd heard about it for the first time a long time ago, back when he was dating a girl from Sector 6 in Midgar. He momentarily smiled, remembering her smile and bright eyes full of kindness and spirit. This place, he supposed, kind of felt like her. It was the same warmth and comfort he'd felt in her embrace.
Where were the others that he needed? No, they needed him... Yet the reverse was true, he realized. He did need them. Because it was the other two that gave him reason, essence. He couldn't be his full self without the connection with the others. He struggled, reaching out, trying to pull apart the currents of green swiftly passing him. Surely he could find them... He was awakening now, and he knew at least his one friend was also alive, awake. After so long, surely the last would also be able to rejoin them.
'Please,' he called silently when he realized his vocal cords wouldn't work in this place. He sent out pleads to ears he wasn't sure would hear. 'Please come back... I need you guys. Don't leave me like this. I know I abandoned you before but...
'Please wake up...!'
~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~
I should warn you
I go to sleep
You won't know when I go to sleep
Because I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I just sleep
He woke up by the bright light shining through his closed eyelids. He cracked his eyes open, wincing and immediately shutting them again until the light dimmed down to a bearable sight. It took a few minutes and with that time his groggy mind began to come awake as well. It seemed so silent, he realized with a chill. The only sound seemed to be the wind and the propellers of the Highwind.
Opening his eyes again, Cloud pulled himself to his feet and leaned over the railing, looking down. The flow of green was gone, leaving behind pockets of land sucked dry and other parts flourishing as the land had never been able to before. The ocean waves crashed against shorelines and he saw the Bucking Bronco they had long ago left behind trashed to pieces on a stony beach. He realized that they were flying towards Midgar, the ship turning slightly.
For a long time he was simply stunned, and couldn't grasp what was below him. Where was the blackened crater that marked the so-called floating city? He only knew that it had to be Midgar - or at least where Midgar /used/ to be - because of the shape of the continent and the village of Kalm. But how...?
The green of vegetation covered the land that he'd only ever seen in its blackened state. Not only that, but the city itself appeared to have been reduced to its bottom levels and even that was covered in green. How could something that had always seem so dead be so alive now?
"Oh my God," he heard Tifa whisper. She'd moved to his side without him realizing it. Barret was to the right of her, looking grim, face pinched.
"Marlene's in Kalm with Elmyra," Nanaki spoke quietly from behind the trio. Ah, that was right, that would be why Barret looked so upset... Cloud looked back at the large catlike creature, gauging the reaction from his four-legged companion.
The door leading down into the ship's hold open and shut with a loud click and Cid appeared on deck, having disappeared during the rough winds to help navigate. He was lighting a cigarette as he approached the railing and glanced down. He shook his head in disbelief. "Goddamn... Who'd have thought?"
Indeed, Cloud replied mentally. He moved away, then, not wanting the feel of bodies about him at the moment. It felt too crowded when he was trying to figure out all that had happened. What was there now? What places had been spared? Which ones were destroyed? How many people had died? Sacrifice... Why did there always have to be sacrifices?
Lives lost, and he'd probably met most of the people after the year of travel, of tracking someone who had been reported dead by ShinRa. Thinking of ShinRa reminded him of Midgar, and who'd been in there. Feeling slightly ill with the thought, he glanced around for Cait Sith. The robot was too still and he shivered. No...
With steps befitting a sleepwalker he approached the usually energetic robot. "Cait...?" he murmured, unsure of himself. His fingers brushed the shoulder of the mog, wondering. "Cait?" he repeated. Sparks burst into appearance and Cloud withdrew his hand, numbness washing over him. A slight weight rested on his shoulder and he caught the glimpse of a red cape from the corner of his eye. He didn't turn and didn't speak, accepting the silent comfort with a silence of his own.
"Cait!" Yuffie wailed, rushing over and leaning over to shake the robot. "Oh man... C'mon you jerk! Get up and bounce around!" There was a lingering unspoken question in her tone, demanding why Cait could die now, when before he'd returned with a skip after the first body had been crushed in the Temple of the Ancients.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
"Too much sacrifice."
Cloud turned this time to face Vincent. Night had fallen and the group had landed near Kalm to spend the night there before seeking out the extent of damage the next day. But Cloud wasn't tired, he couldn't fall asleep with all the thoughts rushing through his mind; he feared the dreams that would come if he let himself rest. So he'd retreated to the outskirts of town.
"How many do you think died?" Cloud asked, throat dry.
The caped man shrugged slightly, a motion that was hardly noticed beneath the layers of fabric he wore. "Does it really matter, the numbers?"
Staring up at the clear night sky Cloud murmured, "I never got one. A number."
"You're more than a number."
The blonde shrugged. "Even Sephiroth had a number. Zack had one, too. They're the ones more than a number."
Vincent settled himself on the ground, sitting with his knees bent before him. Cloud soon followed suit and they remained silent a long time in the vibrant green grass. What was left of Midgar lay before them.
"What happened back on the Highwind?" Vincent asked. Cloud was startled, unused to the other man starting conversation.
"What do you mean?"
"While the Lifestream was still flowing, you looked like you'd collapsed."
Oh, that. Cloud shrugged one shoulder and gave a short laugh. "I fell asleep." He looked from the corner of his eye at Vincent and noted the other's frown of disbelief. "I'm being serious."
'Please... Please wake up!'
"Yet you don't seem tired enough to sleep now."
"Neither do you," Cloud returned, a little distracted by the voice in his mind.
The wind played with their hair and brought the scent of the sea with it. 'Don't leave me like this, I need you.'
"Why do you..." Cloud cut himself off, realizing he was speaking aloud. He shook his head, wondering if this was some lingering affect of the mind control he'd been put through.
"Are you all right?" Vincent questioned.
"Nothing," Cloud answered quickly.
Shaking his head in a mix of amusement and sadness, he said, "I think you should let some of it go." To the questioning look he replied, "That pain that you're trying to get away from." There was a long pause before Vincent met Cloud's gaze and said, "You don't really believe you're the only one who's ever preferred sleepwalking rather than the pain? I see it, Cloud." The name was murmured at a softer tone, as if to say the blonde's name was difficult. "You need to let it go. Don't add yourself to more of the living that were sacrificed to death."
'Don't leave me like this... please, wake up.'
"Wake up...?" Cloud murmured, looking back up at the stars. He felt his face contort in a mix of pained emotions that were brought on by memories. "Why? It hurts too much."
"You can change it. Or the others can, if you open enough to let their efforts in."
Shaking his head slowly, the blonde stared at his hands, noting how they seemed so empty without holding his sword. Too long, too long he had been fighting... His hands hadn't always been used for hurt and battles, there'd been a time that he'd not worn gloves and caressed another's skin. He took a shuddering breath and closed his eyes, fingers curling into light fists as he did so.
He had bathed these hands in blood, washing them in the life essence of enemies... and friends... He felt a lump in his throat as the image rose unwillingly, the sprawled, doll-like body and all the red pouring out. Unstoppable... And the burst of red on a pink dress, contrasting as much as that smile did on a deathly pale face. Red. The red streaming down torso and face, looking like some morbid war paint. Long hair sticking in clumps with red, always the red.
Cloud gasped and opened his eyes, breathing hard. "No!" he whispered.
"If you keep dreaming, they'll never rest," Vincent told him quietly.
Cloud stared at the moon above the ruins of Midgar, eyes watering despite his efforts. He choked back a sob at those words, knowing the truth behind them for he had thought of the same thing before. He didn't have the right to cling to these people, for he was separate from them now. He closed his eyes again, this time slowly, and the gathered moisture spilled over onto his cheek, trailing down to his jaw and neck, beneath the collar of his shirt. "You're right..."
'Please... I know I abandoned you before, but...'
No, that wasn't right. He had always been there, in Cloud's mind, always there to help him figure things out, knowing what to do. Cloud was the one who had abandoned /him/. "I'm sorry," he whispered to the wind. 'I'll let you go now...'
~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~
Beneath the moon's light, the water shone brightly as it hugged the shore of the island where Mideel had been. All that remained there were collapsed structures and a handful of people sleeping in makeshift tents. The Lifestream remained in the gaping hole that had developed before Meteor had entered the atmosphere and it shimmered with every changing motion of its multi-green currents. Pools of Lifestream that had overflowed lay in random puddles about the otherwise circular basin. The people had been careful to avoid it and camped as far away from it as possible while still being around the remains of their little village.
Therefore it was strange that a man was upon the ground, the left side of his body submerged in the large Lifestream pool. His pale skin and hair reflected the moon in the stillness. In a puddle on the other side of the basin lay another male form, face down in the green.
Everything remained still, silent, calm.
Dawn came with no extraordinary occurrence, and in the small encampment the survivors of Mideel awoke and gathered together to see what they had available for breakfast. Out of their sight the bodies remained unmoved, looking dead.
A breeze came, rustling the black hair of the man facedown. In the distance a chocobo warked and the sound of a flying machine came from above, still far off.
He awoke.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ OWARI ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
First off, DON'T kill me. ;;U_U Yeesh... This is the end of this story, but it's definitely begging a sequel. For once I had to have something that'll set me up for a happy ending. (*makes face* Where's THAT coming from?)
[1] "ShinRa's Bitch" ;;^^ I had to use this. It's from Twig's "A Long Hard Road" like chapter 16 or 17 if I'm not mistaken... I always laugh at that line.