Date Finished: September 6th, 2003
Classification: Romance, Angst
Pairing: Touya/Yuki
Rating: NC-17
Note: Response to the `Stranger In Our House' challenge at
AdoptAPlotBunny: (http://lists.squidge.org/wws/info/adoptaplotbunny ;
http://www.squidge.org/~peja/behindthescenes/plotbunnies.htm)
Love Is...
By Elsewhere
<[email protected]>
Disclaimer: The characters and story of Card Captor Sakura are not
mine. Oops. ;P
The lyrics quoted are from `Love Is...' by Kawamura Ryuichi, translated
into English by Mina-P (http://www.senshigakuen.com). I intend no
infringement to either party; I'm just quoting `em.
Distribution: If you want this story for any page other than the ones
I've sent it to, please ask me first, so I know where it goes.
Spoilers: I may make reference to any of a number of events in the
anime TV series *and* the manga. In terms of timeline and events, I
tend to mingle and match the events of the manga and anime.
Thanks go out to my beta reader Adara-chan, without whom my work
would never see the light of day, and also to Loren, who checks my
Japanese. ;P
Note: For those who may not have read the manga or seen the series,
I'd better make a quick note about the relationships in Card Captor
Sakura. Sakura is the Card Captor, the one chosen to guard and wield
the Clow Cards, powerful magic cards created by the magician Clow
Read. Clow Read created two creatures to act as guardians of the
cards, and as judges of the new master or mistress of the cards:
Cerberus (pronounced by the Japanese as `Keroberos') and Yue. Each of
the guardian beasts took a `false form' for the duration, until the
new mistress was ready to take over command of the Clow Cards.
Yue's `false form' is Tsukishiro Yukito, who just happens to be
Sakura's brother, Touya's, boyfriend. Yue and Yukito exist in the
same body, and are technically the same person, but Yukito's
personality developed so differently from Yue's that they have become
two separate individuals. For most of his life, Yukito was unaware of
Yue, but after a certain point, he became aware of Yue's existence
and, at least according to the clues given in the anime---
particularly the second movie---Yue and Yukito were, from that point
onward, in constant mental contact with one another.
Note on Spelling/Romanization: All names will be spelled as they were
romanized in the original Japanese version of the Card Captor Sakura
manga (in the character information sections). In other words, `Clow
Read' rather than `Clow Reed', `Li Syaoran' rather than `Li Shaoran'
or any other spelling of his name you may have seen, etc. If you
don't like the way I (and CLAMP) spell the names, you're free to stop
reading at this point.
Legend:
Emphasis is shown with * *
Thoughts are shown with / /
Telepathic communication is shown with < >
Summary: Yukito and Touya have been living as lovers for years
without a problem, but suddenly, strange behavior on Touya's part
causes Yukito to question the stability of their relationship. Is
Touya seeing someone else...?
Part One:
Glossary:
aa - yeah
chotto matte - wait a minute
daijoubu? - are you okay?
e? - huh?
gomen - sorry
hai - yeah, okay
hayaku - hurry
iie - no
itadakimasu - thanks for the food
itte kimasu - I'm leaving
ja ne - bye (casual)
moshi moshi - hello (on the phone)
ohayo - good morning
suki da yo - I love you
To-ya - an alternate romanization and pronunciation of Touya's name---
Yuki's affectionate nickname for Touya
wakatta - I know, I understand
*****
I beg of you
Just one more time gaze just at me
The two of us
Are surely dreaming
If we wake up
We'll love each other again
*****
Warmth.
At first, all he was aware of was a warmth that pierced through skin
and bones, keeping every part of him content and sleepy. He felt as
though he was cocooned in a ball of sunlight, brilliant rays of
sunshine entwined around him until he could no longer feel anything
but blissful heat.
He might have remained there forever, if given the chance, but
something, some odd sensation just beneath the surface of his skin,
awakened him to the fact that a part of him was aware, even as he
dozed on. With a quiet sound that might have been a snort if he
weren't so singularly delicate, he rolled slowly onto his side and
cautiously, as though afraid the light would burn him, he opened one
eyelid to find that he was, in fact, enwrapped in sunlight, just as
he had dreamed. The blinds were open just enough to leave a pattern
of warmth across the bed, the lines crisscrossing his pale skin as he
lay there for a moment longer, staring sleepily at the dust floating
in the light.
Dimly, he became aware of a voice somewhere in the near distance,
shouting something about breakfast, but even that might not have
encouraged him to move from his place in the sun if it weren't for
the much clearer, much more insistent voice that spoke within his
skull.
<Wake up,> the voice demanded, with some measure of exasperation, and
for a moment he ignored it, choosing instead to close his eyes again
and roll onto his stomach. He burrowed slightly under the covers and
tried to remember when he'd first cast them off, as a way to keep
himself distracted from the frustrated presence in his mind, pushing
lightly against his limbs and skin, trying to get him to move.
Several moments passed in this gentle tug of war, until finally, he
felt himself sigh softly, a sigh that he hadn't meant to give...a sigh
that displayed someone else's emotion.
<Aren't you hungry!?> the voice asked more insistently, and even as
the words were spoken, a distinctive growl filled the silence of the
room, emanating from the direction of his stomach. His eyes snapped
open, and this time he heard the other voice, the one *outside* his
mind, quite clearly.
"Yuki! Breakfast!"
"Mm...hai! Coming!" Yuki called, as he swung his legs off the side of
the bed and reached out blindly towards the night stand, searching
for his glasses.
<To the left,> he was prompted, and with a silent word of thanks, he
ventured to the left and clasped his hand around the familiar wire
frames. After he'd slipped them on his nose, the room came into sharp
focus, and he turned to glance at himself in the mirror and smiled at
the way his hair puffed out in several different directions.
"Yuki! Hayaku! It's getting cold!"
Without further prompting, Yuki pulled on a pair of slacks and a T-
shirt and padded out towards the kitchen, and the smell of freshly
cooked food. The first thing his eyes lit on was the vast spread of
dishes on his own end of the table, and a smile of delight moved
swiftly over his face. The second thing his eyes swept towards was
the sight of his lover, rumpled and looking a bit flustered as he
stood at the counter, fixing up the last of the breakfast.
"Ohayo, To-ya," Yuki said cheerily, standing next to Touya and
leaning up to brush a kiss across the taller man's cheek.
"Ohayo," Touya answered, glancing back to watch as Yuki sat down at
his place at the table, peering with avid interest at all of the
various dishes in his place and waiting with feigned patience for
Touya to join him. "You slept late."
"I got to sleep late last night," Yuki answered, folding his hands in
his lap and watching as Touya finished up and took his seat across
the table. "I was up late...thinking."
"Meaning that Yue was up late `thinking'," Touya said, lifting both
eyebrows for a moment as he caught Yuki's eyes.
<Tell him to mind his own business,> the individual in question
murmured, but Yuki didn't speak the thought aloud.
Ever since the day several years ago when Touya had relinquished his
power, transferring it to Yue so that both Yue and Yukito would
continue to live, Yuki and Yue's minds had been in constant contact.
Neither one of them was conscious without the other, and they were
aware of almost every one of the other's thoughts, unless one or both
of them was distracted, or unless one of them, for whatever reason,
wished to keep something from the other.
In the beginning, this hadn't been uncommon. At first, Yuki had found
himself strangely jealous when it came to his feelings for Touya, and
he had tried to keep them private, mainly because he felt a little
embarrassed at the knowledge that Yue was entirely aware every time
Yuki and Touya made love. Yue's thoughts had, for a long time,
remained mainly a closed book, because it seemed that Yue preferred
to keep *everything* he felt private. But as time had passed, and
they had come to know and trust one another, and as Yuki had come to
accept the presence of the other man---the other self that had
resided latently within Yuki all along---both of them had relaxed,
and since then, they had existed as almost a layered consciousness.
Because Yuki's personality had developed so differently from Yue's
during the time that Yue had lain dormant, their thoughts were often
entirely different, but also never entirely separate, instead acting
as two separate layers; neither one entirely alone, each influenced
by the other, but also not the same.
Over time, Yuki had come to realize that this was also an apt
metaphor for his own existence. At first, when he had learned about
Yue and the fact that he was Yue's `false form', as Cerberus always
said---that he had been created merely as a mask for Yue to wear, a
method for Yue to get close to the candidate who would be mistress of
the Clow Cards---Yuki had experienced a true crisis of identity. He
had never felt so much pain in his life as he had the night he
realized that he might not be real...that he was simply a puppet,
designed to take Yue's place as long as Yue couldn't show himself.
But contrary to his fears, even after Yue had regained his strength,
Yuki had never ceased to exist...he was still a different person, with
different thoughts and feelings, a fact that Yue himself was quick to
admit. Eventually, Yuki had come to realize that he and Yue had
developed as separate people, but not *entirely* separate. They
existed as layers of the same person, Yuki supposed: neither one
entirely apart from the other, each influenced by the other, but also
not the same.
"Do you have to work late again tonight?" Yuki asked, mainly to
deflect Touya's question. He watched Touya's face as Touya answered;
he always liked to watch Touya when he talked. Even after so many
years, he had never ceased to find even the smallest things
interesting...the way Touya's lips would twitch upwards whenever he'd
glance towards Yuki, or the way his eyes sparkled slightly when he
caught Yuki's gaze...
The two of them worked at the same job, just as they'd always done,
but their hours often ended up being quite different. Neither of them
had cause to complain---they still found time to see each other after
work---but it did mean that their schedules could sometimes be
unpredictable. For the last couple of weeks, Touya had been working
particularly long hours, trying to finish up some project at work
that he didn't seem to want to talk about much, more because he found
it something of an annoyance than because he had anything to keep
from Yuki, or so he said.
"I'm not sure," Touya said, just as he always did. "We'll see, once I
get to work."
"Let me know if you're going to be home for dinner," Yuki said
simply, flashing Touya a quick smile when their gazes met. "I'll try
to make something special."
Touya didn't reply to this except for a slight smile. He'd seemed
distracted more often than not lately, but Yuki put it down to the
project at work. Touya always put a lot of effort into his work, and
it occupied a lot of his focus.
"Itadakimasu," they murmured together, and this time Touya did smile
slightly before he shook his head and picked up his chopsticks.
Just as Touya was lifting the food to his lips, the phone rang,
startling him enough that he fumbled his chopsticks and splattered
rice over his end of the table. Yuki glanced up at him in surprise,
but he remained silent as Touya sighed with annoyance and got up, his
chair scraping loudly in the silence between the rings of the phone.
"Hai, moshi moshi...oh, it's you."
Yuki's chopsticks paused halfway towards his mouth, and even within
him, he felt Yue pause.
"I told you not to call me...if I want to talk to you, I'll call you. ...
E? Hm...aa. All right, fine...same place as last time? All right, I'll be
right there."
Without so much as a farewell, Touya hung up the phone, and Yuki
blinked, staring blankly at the empty place on Touya's side of the
table. What was going on? Touya wasn't usually quite that rude to
anybody...Yuki couldn't imagine anyone Touya disliked enough to treat
in such a cavalier fashion.
After a moment, Yuki's own thoughts cleared enough that he became
aware of the second layer of contemplation, just beneath his own.
Touya's manner on the phone incited Yuki's curiosity, but Yue's
reaction seemed much deeper than that. Strangely enough, he seemed
almost...worried.
Yue tensed instantly when he realized that Yuki was aware of his
thoughts, cognizant of the inexplicable sense of concern that Yue had
felt when he'd heard Touya's tone as he spoke on the phone.
<We'll see if he explains,> Yue murmured somewhat curtly in response
to the silent question in Yuki's thoughts, and again, Yuki blinked in
surprise, but he had no time to question Yue further, because at that
moment, Touya walked into the room. The expression on his face wasn't
exactly angry, and he had started out the morning with an air of some
kind of odd tension that Yuki had put down to thoughts of the project
at work. But now, Touya looked completely frustrated; he was trying
to hide it, but the slight twitch in his cheek gave him away. He sat
down quickly at his place and picked up his chopsticks, ignoring the
spilled rice, but after only a couple of seconds, just as Yuki was
trying to decide how best to phrase the question, Touya dropped his
chopsticks and pushed his plate away. Yuki's mouth dropped open
slightly as he watched Touya get up and start towards the door,
picking up his briefcase on the way.
"To-ya...?"
Touya glanced back, and Yuki only felt himself tense further as he
watched Touya force a smile, obviously only for Yuki's benefit.
"I'm not hungry," Touya said, trying to sound casual.
"To-ya..." Yuki slowly pushed back his chair and got to his feet, as
usual making no attempt to disguise the look of concern on his
face. "Who was on the phone? Daijoubu...?"
Touya stared at him for a moment, his mouth slightly open as though
he was on the verge of telling Yuki something...but then his mouth
closed and he smiled slightly again. Yuki felt a sinking feeling in
the pit of his stomach that he couldn't explain; he wasn't even sure
whether his concern was his own. Yue seemed poised on the edge of a
breath, waiting to hear what Touya would say.
"Aa...daijoubu," Touya replied, quickly closing the few steps between
himself and his lover and reaching up to touch Yuki's cheek. "It was
just someone at work. They need me. Gomen."
Yuki looked searchingly into Touya's eyes for several seconds, but
saw nothing but a gentle reassurance, slowly taking the place of
Touya's tension. Slowly, Yuki's shoulders relaxed and he allowed
himself a small smile.
Touya smiled again and brushed his thumb once more over Yuki's cheek
before he turned away.
"Itte kimasu," he said, and he opened the door.
"Ja n..." Yuki began, but the words froze on his tongue when he heard
Yue once again separate himself deliberately from the stream of
Yuki's thoughts to speak clearly, the words echoing through Yuki's
mind.
<He's lying.>
Yuki remained frozen for several seconds, unsure of how to respond,
either to Yue's accusation or to the fact that he knew Yue was right.
Touya was halfway out of his slippers and into his work shoes by the
time Yuki caught his breath.
"To-ya! Chotto matte!" Yuki said quickly as he jogged to catch up
with Touya just as Touya started to turn the front door knob. Touya
stopped and turned.
"E?" Touya asked, raising his eyebrows, surprised by Yuki's behavior.
Yuki found himself in the compromising position of not really knowing
what to do. He wasn't sure why he'd come rushing over like this, or
what exactly he wanted Touya to say or do. More importantly, *he*
wasn't sure what to say or do, so after only a few seconds of
hesitation, he decided to follow his instincts. Placing his hands on
Touya's shoulders, he leaned up several inches and placed a gentle
kiss on Touya's mouth.
When he pulled away, it was because the quiver of Touya's lips
against his was tickling too much to be ignored. He smiled as he
watched Touya laughing.
"You can't stand for me to leave without kissing you goodbye?" Touya
said with a grin, his tension seeming entirely gone now as he
squeezed his arm around Yuki's shoulders.
Yuki glanced downward, blushing, and his smile widened when he felt
Touya's hands on his cheeks, gently guiding his face upwards. When he
opened his eyes, Touya was looking directly at him and smiling, a
genuine smile that made Yuki wonder why he had felt so panicked only
a moment before.
"Suki da yo, Yuki," Touya said quietly, and Yuki closed his eyes and
grinned helplessly, warmth filling him. It didn't bother him that
Touya's smile had vanished...Touya always became so serious, almost
painfully so, when he spoke his feelings aloud. Yuki knew it was
difficult for Touya, and that only made it all the better.
"Wakatta," Yuki murmured as he felt Touya's lips gently close over
his, and his fingers tightened in the fabric of Touya's shirt for a
moment before Touya pulled away.
"Ja ne," Touya said with another quick smile, brushing Yuki's cheek
again.
"Ja ne," Yuki whispered back. He leaned out of the door to watch
Touya walking down the hallway, and when Touya turned back just as he
reached the stairs, Yuki smiled and waved.
The moment Yuki closed the front door, though, he again became aware
of the strange feeling in the pit of his stomach, so much more
irritating than hunger. Yue was unusually quiet, as though he was
deliberately keeping his thoughts from Yuki, and Yuki bit his lip,
wondering what it meant. After several tense moments, the barrier
slowly relaxed, and Yuki heard the sound of a long exhalation of
breath in his mind. But he still felt like something was missing,
like Yue was hiding something...
<Go. Eat,> Yue murmured, and as always, his tone was an odd
combination of annoyance and tenderness. As the years had passed,
Yuki had become more and more aware of how much his other self had
come to care for him, to identify with him...and that's why it worried
him so much now that Yue would want to keep something from him.
He knew Yue must be aware of these thoughts, but the Moon Guardian
remained silent, waiting expectantly until finally, with a soft sigh,
Yuki nodded and made his way back into the dining room, to his
breakfast, hoping that maybe if he ate, he might forget the entire
odd incident.
But of course, both he and Yue knew that they couldn't forget.
*****
Even though Yuki's shift at work didn't start until after lunch, Yuki
usually made his way to the office complex early so that he and Touya
could eat lunch together, just as they always had, ever since high
school. But lately, with Touya's project taking up so much of Touya's
time, Touya hadn't been able to make their usual lunch meeting. Yuki
tried not to let it bother him, telling himself that he was perfectly
capable of spending another hour out of the company of his lover, but
he always felt a strange pang of loneliness when he would look over
to the place where Touya usually sat at his side and find it empty.
This afternoon, in an attempt to stave off the loneliness, Yuki
slowed his pace as he walked through the park towards the office,
towards the bench that he and Touya usually sat on as they ate. If
Yue noticed or cared about Yuki's mild despondence, he said nothing,
instead seeming lost in some private contemplation of his own as
Yuki's feet shuffled slightly against the concrete with every step.
Believing himself alone for the moment, Yuki sighed quietly and
decided to allow himself the luxury of a few moments of wallowing,
his thoughts lingering on the odd events of that morning, and on this
continuing strange nagging feeling in his stomach which, contrary to
his hopes, hadn't gone away with food.
He was so distracted by the circle of questions he'd gotten himself
into that he failed to notice when Yue's attention focused on him.
When Yue's voice murmured softly through his mind a moment later, his
head snapped up and he caught his breath, startled enough that he
brought a hand up to his heart.
<You can't stop thinking about this morning,> Yue said simply, and
when Yuki didn't respond, too busy trying to catch his breath, Yue
seemed to pause for a moment before he continued. <To-ya's behavior
was strange...stranger than usual. You're right to be concerned.>
Yue always had a tendency to state things in simple, insightful and
often horrifyingly honest terms. Yuki frowned slightly, adjusting his
glasses as he considered Yue's words.
"But I don't understand what I should be concerned about," he said
aloud, but quietly, his eyes darting around quickly to make sure no
one was watching him. Although Yue seemed to have no particular
qualms about keeping his duality secret, Yuki was unwilling to have
the matter of his other self made public. Unlike Yue, Yuki had lived
all of his life in a modern world where magic and mysticism weren't
common, everyday facts of life, and he knew that the average person
wouldn't accept either the winged creature or his other form easily.
<Touya lied to you,> Yue said, and though his tone remained quiet,
the words themselves were harsh enough to make Yuki wince slightly.
For a moment, his knees felt weak, and he let out a slow, soft breath
as he quickly took the few steps to the nearest bench and collapsed
onto it, placing his palms on his knees and closing his eyes as he
took several calming breaths. In his mind, he had the sense that Yue,
if he had taken physical form, would have been frowning, displeased
with the severity of Yuki's reaction.
<You haven't been sleeping enough lately,> Yue said, in a tone that
verged on matter-of-fact.
"When I feel tired, you feel thoughtful," Yuki murmured, dropping his
forehead into his hand. He didn't mean it as an accusation; his voice
was soft, conveying only the simple truth.
Yue was silent for a moment, and Yuki couldn't tell what he was
thinking.
<So do you,> Yue said finally, even more quietly. <Lately, a strange
restlessness has been keeping you up. You haven't even been eating as
much. You're exhausting yourself.>
Yuki sighed quietly. He knew Yue was right. For several days now,
he'd been getting the oddest, inexplicable feelings of anxiety, the
vaguest sense of unease that teased the edge of his senses, like a
glimpse of a familiar person caught out of the corner of an eye, a
glimpse that couldn't become more because the familiar person was
gone just as quickly as he'd appeared. The sensation was slowly
exhausting him, just as Yue said. Both he and Yue had been on edge
for a number of nights now, unable to fall asleep, and Yuki had felt
his appetite slowly waning.
"I don't understand," Yuki confessed, his voice the merest breath
into the still air within his hands, rubbing lightly over his
face. "I don't know what's bothering me."
<Don't you?> Yue murmured, and Yuki opened his eyes, surprised by the
tone of Yue's voice. <You can't think of anything?>
Yuki closed his eyes again, searching his memory, aware of Yue
monitoring the progress of his thoughts.
"Iie..." Yuki said after a moment, shaking his head and lifting his
head. "I can't think of anything."
Yue sighed quietly.
<If you remember anything, tell me,> he said, and Yuki felt a strange
tightening in his stomach, even as Yue seemed to withdraw slightly, a
part of his mind closing itself to Yuki's senses. He felt certain, in
that moment, that Yue must know what was going on, but he was
obviously unwilling to say, instead waiting to see if Yuki would
figure it out on his own.
Yuki sighed again, taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes before
he got to his feet, pushing aside all thoughts of his strange
restlessness, and of Touya and whether or not he'd lied.
However, his intentions were amiss. He continued to be so distracted
as he made his way through the park that he almost failed to notice
the object that was on a direct collision course with him until it
was too late. Only the sharp sound of Yue's warning in his mind made
him snap his eyes up and reach out his arms just in time. The soft
body that collided with his let out an undignified "hmph" just as it
hit, and then as both he and the smaller form tumbled to the ground,
the sound of heavy breathing was punctuated by a loud shout, directly
in his ear.
"HOE!!!!"
*****
END PART ONE