Author: Lipstickcat
E-mail: [email protected]
Pairing: Seifer/Zell
Rating: R
Summary: Set during time compression, what happens to Zell
Web page: -
Warnings: A songfic. Death.
Disclaimer: Not mine. *sob*
Notes: Thank you to Mistigri for beta-ing J
***
//Creatures kissing in the rain
Shapeless in the dark again
In the hanging garden
Please don't speak
In the hanging garden
No one sleeps //
The rain thundered down, a slight wind catching and blowing it into the Secret Area. Zell could feel it falling against his bare thigh, a welcome cool spatter against his heated skin, washing away the unbearable muggy heat that had persisted all day. The summer storm was wild, a sudden break in the weather that painted the sky an angry shade of purple. Thunder clapped, sounding like the sky was falling in, followed by jagged white lightening that illuminated the billowing cloud above. Below, the sea lapped at the bow of the Garden, white froth leaping to join the falling droplets, some even reaching high enough to splash through the railings of the meeting area and splatter against the two figures there.
Zell didn�t really notice his dramatic surroundings; they only served as a background setting. Seifer was consuming his mouth hungrily. Wet, sloppy, probing kisses. The kind that went straight to his gut, then shivered back through his body until he could do nothing but moan and writhe beneath the taller blond. He pulled his legs higher up the gunblader�s back, briefly noticing how their skin was slick with rain and sweat, before crying into the night sky as Seifer rammed into him, hard and fast.
In the shadows, another figure watched. Another Zell.
It had confused him at first; one minute he was lost in time compression, his senses filled with black silence, as if he�d gone blind and deaf all at once. Then he took a step forward and found himself at the entrance to the Secret Area. He�d heard the cries and moans over the raging storm and couldn�t resist looking. Briefly, he�d been disgusted that someone had the gall to commit such an act in the open. That in itself was hypocritical of him: It quickly became apparent that he was watching an act, one of many, which he had actually carried out.
Seeing Seifer like this had made his heart jump into his throat at the thought that he�d found somebody else. Despite everything that had happened recently, he loved Seifer and couldn�t bear to lose him to someone else. Then the figure beneath him had arched into his touch, his head whipping back as his mouth made a perfect �o� shape. The tattoo was unmistakable and Zell had almost choked on his heart as it tried to leave his body completely.
It didn�t take long after that to realise that it was some kind of time compression trickery. He was watching the past.
He smiled to himself as the other him bit down on Seifer�s shoulder. He remembered this night; he remembered the raw teeth marks that had lingered on Seifer�s skin for days after. He kept them covered, the same as they had covered their relationship up, but when they were alone Seifer would run his fingers over the two crescent shapes proudly.
Suddenly, Seifer looked up. His emerald eyes bore straight into Zell, straight through him. Zell froze, but if Seifer could see him, he wasn�t making an effort to do anything about it. An insistent mouth kissed its way up his neck and he dipped his head to reclaim those lips. Zell sunk a little further into the shadows, just to be sure.
He continued to watch, ignoring his growing arousal the best he could. They looked good together, like they belonged like that. When he was with Seifer that�s exactly how he felt.
This was a year ago, at least. His own youth showed on his face, despite the newly acquired tattoo. Each cry carried with it the innocence that Seifer was gradually taking away with every day, with every new exploration of each other�s bodies. The older Zell wasn�t bitter, he wouldn�t swap any of it for the world, not even the pretence of hating each other. It was just that he was suddenly aware of how fast he�d matured.
Seifer�s face wasn�t without its innocence as well. Although his extra year had given his face time to mature into his bone structure, it looked younger than it did now. It lacked the scar that Squall had given him. Zell didn�t blame Squall; Seifer had deserved it. But he couldn�t hold back the pang of regret that such a beautiful regal face had been spoiled.
This, here, now; this was before all that, before the training accident and the SeeD exam and Timber and his big mouth and the Sorceresses and everything. This was when Seifer was his.
//Catching haloes on the moon
Gives my hands the shapes of angels
In the heat of the night
The animals scream
In the heat of the night
Walking into a dream... //
The scene shifted before his eyes, confirming his belief that he was still in time compression. It was a barely noticeable change as he was still in the Secret Area, still watching two figures lying on the floor, but there were differences. The rain was gone, the sky was now a dark navy, spotted with silver stars and soaking up the golden light of the Garden. The two figures of his past self and Seifer lay on their backs, watching the night sky in silence, apart from their sharp gasps as they tried to get their breath back.
The younger Zell lay with his head on Seifer�s chest, while the taller bond pulled him close with his arm around his shoulders. Zell held his arms out above him and was making shapes with his hands of strange malformed animals and birds. He smiled up at the silhouette against the opal moon and paused as he linked his thumbs together and spread his fingers out like wings.
��Seifer?� he asked as he flexed his plumage.
�Hmm?�
Zell beat his hands against the night sky a couple of times, chewing his lip thoughtfully. Then he let them drop. Turning slightly, he nuzzled into the warmth of Seifer�s chest.
�Nothing.�
In the shadows, the present time Zell felt his breath hitch in his throat. That was it. That was the moment he realised he�d fallen in love with Seifer. He�d wanted to tell him, but had chickened out at the last moment. He had never voiced his feelings towards Seifer because he was afraid that the gunblader would reject him or laugh in his face. The little charade they played out to everyone else in public did nothing to boost his confidence or encourage him to make fancy declarations of love to Seifer.
Suddenly, he felt cold. Was Seifer still alive? He could be dead and he would never know that someone loved him no matter what he did and what mistakes he made.
He turned away as his younger self began to kiss a trail up Seifer�s neck, losing himself and his emotions in the pure physicality of being with Seifer. The other man quickly responded, eagerly taking control and pushing the younger man to the floor. Zell leant against the doorway, wrapping his arms around himself as a shield against the sounds of the first time he actually made love, whether Seifer knew it or not.
As the first soft cries started to ring through the night air, he began to walk off. He didn�t know where he was going, but he couldn�t stay there any longer. It was an unnerving surprise when he didn�t walk into the Training Centre but thick pitch darkness. He had almost forgotten that he was in time compression. He glanced over his shoulder, but the Secret Area was no longer there. For want of another option, he continued to walk into the gloom.
//Fall fall fall fall
Into the walls
Jump jump out of time
Fall fall fall fall
Out of the sky
Cover my face as the animals cry//
It didn�t feel like he had been walking for long, and yet at the same time he felt like he had been walking forever. How could he tell? There was no scenery, no change in lighting, he couldn�t even feel the pressure of his feet against a surface. For all he knew he could just be floating around in mid air. He put his arms out and flailed them around himself, but he couldn�t even feel air resistance in the atmosphere around him, never mind anything solid. He felt like he was falling and he would never stop.
A figure flashed before him, running, an oatmeal coloured coat flapping behind him. Zell opened his mouth to call out to Irvine, but his image flickered and vanished. Zell�s shout was swallowed up by unrelenting darkness.
He closed his eyes, or at least he thought he did, it was impossible to tell. There was no guarantee that the figure he saw was a present day Irvine anyway. It wouldn�t have made any difference to things.
A tickling sensation ran down the side of his face. He put his hand up to find a wet trail. When had he started crying? He hadn�t noticed. He didn�t even know whether he was crying because his situation looked hopeless or because Seifer was probably dead. He buried his face in his hands and let out a few shuddering sobs, blinking hot tears that fell onto his palms.
Suddenly, his surroundings changed. He had stopped falling, and somehow landed on his feet without breaking his body. Or perhaps the ground had gently risen to meet him. Either way, he could feel solidness beneath his feet. A chill air brushed over his skin and it made him want to cry out with joy. He was somewhere, not nowhere anymore. He lifted his head and found that he was back in the Secret Area again.
//Creatures kissing in the rain
Shapeless in the dark again
In the hanging garden
Change the past
In a hanging garden
Wearing furs
And masks//
He knew that he wasn�t home, not present time home, because he was looking at himself. It was raining again, he couldn�t help wondering if it really did rain that often, or was just luck of the draw that it was raining at these moments.
His other self was leaning against the railing of the Secret Area, gazing blankly at the bleak sky. Rain spotted his face and he blinked against it, without seeming to realise that he should move under the shelter. This other him looked different, unfamiliar; it wasn�t a vision of himself that he�d seen looking back at him out of any mirror. His hair was longer, shaggier than he�d kept it in years, while his fringe was ungelled and cut short, although it was still long enough to fall in his eyes. But this wasn�t a young him; he still had his tattoo curling up the side of his face. In fact, his face looked more defined, squarer than it had the last chance he�d had to look in the mirror.
It didn�t take long for the present time Zell to realise that he was now seeing the future. And what he saw there made his heart swell and burst with bubbling joy. Alongside this future version of himself stood Seifer.
He was alive and he was going to come back to Garden. To him.
The taller blond leant with his elbows resting against the railing, his arms folded and his hands rubbing the dark blue uniform that covered his upper arms restlessly. He stared out at the foreboding sky. His hair was as short as ever, apart from a thin braid that began behind his ear and ended halfway down his neck, held together by two beads, one red, one green. Zell wondered how much time had passed for Seifer to be able to grow his hair so long. How much patience it had required? Had he plaited the hair for him? Lovingly threaded and fixed the beads?
Seifer�s eyes fluttered shut briefly and he drew breath, turning to face the future vision of the martial artist. From where he watched, the present Zell could see the side of his face as he turned. He couldn�t help but gasp. Although the scar that Squall had given him had almost healed, leaving only a small indented line across the bridge of his nose, there was now another deep gash curving over his cheekbone. It began at the corner of his eye and finished in the hollow of his cheek. Zell shuddered to think how close what ever had caused it had been to blinding him.
�I have to go now,� Seifer spoke softly, like he was afraid of disturbing him.
The older Zell dropped his head and shook it.
�Don�t go.�
�I have to. Squall will be waiting, I can�t be late,� Seifer moved close, reaching out and placing a hand on Zell�s shoulder. For a moment, it looked like the martial artist would shrug it away, but then he turned and moved into the touch.
The future Zell pressed his body against Seifer, tilting his head up to silence any further arguments. His mouth nuzzled against Seifer�s and the gunblader opened to it hungrily. His arms wrapped around the tattooed blond�s waist and pulled him into him, holding him with a tenderness that was still alien to the Zell that watched. As their mouths moved slickly against each other, never losing the passion that had kept the animalistic spark of their relationship alive, the Zell that was yet to be reached up and toyed with the length of braid, rubbing behind Seifer�s ear before running his fingers down the silky plait and rolling the beads between his fingers.
Seifer reluctantly broke the kiss. Still holding Zell in his arms, not wanting to pull away from his warmth, he smiled apologetically.
�I really have to go now.�
�Don�t.�
�Why not?�
�You know why not,� Zell�s eyes were dark, reflecting the sky.
�Not the this again,� Seifer�s voice moved away from a gentle whisper and into a bored tone that was more familiar to the present time Zell.
�No! Not �not this again�!� Zell broke free of Seifer. �I saw it!�
�You saw something,� Seifer tried to reason, he reached forward to stroke Zell�s face, but the martial artist stepped backwards to avoid him, �but it was only one possible future, that�s all.�
�Every time you go, it gets closer to the time I saw,� Zell shook his head, his voice wavering.
�The future�s not set in stone. Everyone controls their own destiny. The fact that you saw one possible future only makes it easier to control. We were given a warning, a chance to change it before it happens.�
�I couldn�t do anything to change that!� Zell pointed to the curved scar across Seifer�s cheek.
�Well, what do you want me to do? Not go? I can�t not go, it�s my job, it�s our jobs! We both know the dangers. You�re expecting me to quit doing the one thing I�m good at when you have no intention of giving up for me. Give me a reason not to go today and I will.�
�I�ve already given you the reason!�
�A Sorceress created illusion doesn�t count as a reason! Give me a real reason!�
Zell hesitated, the blue of his eyes flashed like lightening before being consumed by darkness again. His lips parted, rain forming shining rivulets over the pale pink flesh. From where he watched, the present time Zell knew what this other him wanted to say because he�d wanted to say it for so long, he knew the way his stomach churned and his heart constricted as the words stalled on his tongue, he knew that it was all that needed to be said; telling Seifer what was in his heart was all the reason he would ever need. He also knew that he wouldn�t say it. It wasn�t that he was afraid; it was just that the words always died before they could find their way out of his mouth. Speaking them became harder to do every time he tried.
�Just don�t go,� Zell�s plea was barely audible over the roar of the rain.
Seifer snorted. �No, I didn�t think you had a good enough reason,� despite the cruel twist of his mouth, the disappointment rang in Seifer�s voice. �I�ll see you when I get back,� with that, he turned and began to walk away.
�I wish I�d never let it get this far!� Seifer paused at Zell�s cry and listened with his back still turned. �If I�d have known when I was in time compression, I�d have changed it. I know you saw me! I�d have told the both of us then and there what was going to happen. I�d have changed it so we wouldn�t get the chance to care about each other. I�d have been much happier without you!�
Seifer�s hands clenched into fists as he walked into the shadows. The darkness seemed to grow like an organism, swallowing up its surroundings, until the present time Zell was once again surrounded nothingness.
//Fall fall fall fall
Into the walls
Jump jump out of time
Fall fall fall fall
Out of the sky
Cover my face as the animals die
In the hanging garden //
The scene seemed to shift faster this time and Zell was surprised not to find himself back in the Secret Area when light began to bleed back into his surroundings again. He was in the open. The sky above him was blue, but filled with billows of grey; smoke and clouds of dust that plumed into the air and obscured the sun. He was surrounded by explosions and screeches as weapons flew past at close range. He could hear people�s shouts and cries, but the terrain was uneven and his view was obscured by piles of rubble that had once been a place. There was a blast and clods of earth and stone spattered past and through him, the soil seeming to pull at his insides in slow motion as they moved through his body. The green turf that landed at his feet told him that this had once been a beautiful field.
Suddenly, a movement caught his eye, a dark blue that was almost camouflaged against the earth and the shadowy bark of a fallen tree. He moved towards it. A figure lay amongst the torn up roots of the once proud oak, one arm weaved amongst the tendril like mass that sprouted from the bottom of the plant, as though he were trying to join with it. Dark, thick blood streaked the side of his face, the wound that it originated from completely obscured in the mass of viscous burgundy. He had been there for some time. His eyes opened as Zell approached, half fluttering with the effort of keeping them open. Seifer was nearly dead.
Zell could feel the sting of hot tears burning his eyes and flooding down his cheeks as he blinked, but he didn�t register it as his own. Emerald green eyes stared at him, and he didn�t know if Seifer could see him or not, he didn�t know whether he wanted him to see.
As a glassy, marble-like glaze spread over the gunblader�s eyes, the scene shifted, fading to darkness and to light again as though someone had turned a dimmer switch. It was the Secret Area again, and it was raining once more. He saw his future self sitting on the cold hard floor, oblivious to the layer of water that the rain washed around him. His legs were drawn up, his forehead against his knees. He didn�t even look up as Squall approached and knelt down beside him.
�It�s Seifer,� he spoke in a quiet tone, pausing to consider what to say.
�I know. Don�t say it,� Zell�s voice was muffled against his legs.
�I�m sorry,� Squall placed his hand on Zell�s shoulder for comfort.
The future Zell raised his head and forced an ironic smile at Squall. The action looked like pure agony. His eyes were raw and his face sparkled with rainwater and salt tears.
�I�ve had so long to get used to it, but still feels like someone�s torn my heart out. I didn�t believe it, I thought that I could change it, but I couldn�t. I couldn�t change a single thing,� a hiccupping sob was wrenched out of him. �Not even my last words to him,� he fell into Squall�s arms, his shuddering cries getting lost in the rain.
The present time Zell turned away. Tears still slid down his face as he walked back into the nothingness of time compression, but he felt numb. That couldn�t be how it ended. He wouldn�t accept it.
He knew that this void couldn�t last forever. The next time he found himself inside the Secret Area, he would be home. He knew that was where he should be; the glimpses into time had shown him that this was his special place.
He knew where he could find Seifer as well; in that field, beneath the oak tree.
As the black began to shift into tones of grey, then cream, then white light, he knew that it was nearly over and just beginning. Slowly the light faded into familiar shapes. As he walked out into the Secret Area, a cool breeze brushed his face. He turned his gaze up so that his eyes reflected the blue sky and swore to himself that this time he would change it. He�d seen the mistake and he knew how to make it right. He would change it, even if time had to play its loop out to him another million times before he got it right.