Date Finished: October 29th, 2003 (my 21st birthday! ;P)
Classification: Romance, Angst
Pairing: Eriol/Yue, Clow/Yue, Touya/Yukito, mild hints of Touya/Yue
Rating: NC-17
Note: Sequel to `Love Is�', but can be read independently.
Glass
By Elsewhere
<[email protected]>
All other information in Part One.
Part Six:
Glossary:
daijoubu/daijoubu da - it's okay; I'm okay
daijoubu? - are you okay?
hai - yes; okay
ohayo - good morning
ohayo gozaimasu - good morning (formal)
To-ya - an alternate romanization and pronunciation of Touya's name---
Yuki's affectionate nickname for Touya
*****
This city runs like clockwork
But at least hear my song�
*****
The next morning, just as Yuki was finishing up a late breakfast in
bed as he watched some TV, the doorbell rang.
"I'll get it!" he heard Touya call, and he listened as Touya made his
way down the hall from his study to the door.
Touya blinked with mild shock when he opened the door and found Eriol
standing on the other side of it, smiling his typical warm smile,
complete with closed eyes.
"Ohayo gozaimasu, Kinomoto-san," Eriol said brightly, and then he
opened his eyes, regarding Touya with mild curiosity, simply because
Touya was doing the same.
"Ohayo," Touya said finally, not bothering to hide his
surprise. "Come in."
He stepped back and opened the door wider, and Eriol nodded and
thanked him before stepping inside. His hands were folded behind his
back, Touya noticed, and even when Touya had closed the door behind
him, Eriol still didn't relax from this posture.
"Yue," Touya called towards the bedroom, "there's someone here to see
you."
In the bedroom, Yuki was scrambling to get dressed. He had already
heard the familiar sound of Eriol's voice, and he felt almost as
shaken by it as Yue.
"Hai�coming!" he called, hopping on one foot for a moment to get a
sock on before he ran his hands through his hair and glanced towards
the mirror, a bit nervously. "Yue, I�"
<Daijoubu,> Yue said quietly, and Yuki nodded and smiled
encouragingly towards the mirror just before the light surrounded
him, and then faded.
Yue stepped out of the bedroom and slowly made his way down the hall
towards where Eriol stood at the front door. Yue's bare feet padded
softly on the linoleum, and both Touya and Eriol glanced up as he
arrived.
"Ohayo, Yue," Eriol said politely, bowing slightly at the waist, his
familiar smile still firmly in place.
Yue responded with nothing but a noncommittal nod, his arms coming up
to fold over his chest. Eriol didn't seem perturbed by this response,
but Touya looked mildly surprised. Nonetheless, he said nothing
except a quiet, "Well, I'll be in here," before he disappeared back
into his study.
"Why are you here?" Yue said quietly, the moment he heard the click
that indicated that Touya had closed the door behind himself. This
time it was he who spoke first, in English.
Eriol's smile became self-deprecating again, his eyes softening as he
watched Yue's brow furrow in a slight frown.
"I came to make sure you were all right," Eriol said in a quiet tone
similar to Yue's, and almost as bemused. "And to apologize for what
happened yesterday."
He spotted the slight narrowing of Yue's eyes instantly and shook his
head, closing his eyes again and smiling gently.
"No, I truly mean it this time," Eriol said, and then he sighed
quietly and shifted a bit uncomfortably. He was dressed very casually
in a pair of corduroys and a blue long-sleeved shirt; to Yue, it
provided quite a contrast to the traditional Japanese outfit he had
worn the other day. "It was wrong of me. I know that I don't have the
right to�try and comfort you."
His voice had grown soft, and that odd sorrow was back in his eyes
again. Yue felt his frown fading, some of his own melancholy
reappearing, softening his own gaze.
"I'm sorry, Yue," Eriol said, closing his eyes and inclining his head
in a slight bow.
Yue was silent for a long moment, until Eriol had opened his eyes and
was watching him expectantly, waiting to see what he would say or do.
"What are you hiding?"
Eriol blinked, startled by this question. It certainly wasn't what
he'd expected.
"Hiding�?"
"Behind your back," Yue elaborated, nodding his head towards Eriol,
who chuckled slightly as he realized what Yue meant.
"Oh�just this," Eriol said, bringing his hand out from behind his
back. Yue's eyes widened as they fell on the single white rose held
gently between Eriol's fingers. "I brought it as a peace offering�a
way to apologize."
He held up the rose and tilted his head slightly, but his face fell
when Yue turned his eyes away, closing them to hide the rush of
sadness that had moved swiftly through his mind.
"Ah�I should have known it would upset you," Eriol said softly, once
more hiding the rose behind his back. Yue could tell by the tone of
his voice that he really did know; that in the moment he had seen
Yue's reaction, Eriol had remembered, just as clearly as Yue did,
that moment so long ago when Yue had cried over the loss of something
he had loved, only to find that losing the flowers was nothing
compared to the loss of the one he loved most�
It was strange to think he had been that innocent once, Yue thought,
and he felt a wave of sympathy from Yuki that calmed him slightly.
"Let me try again," Eriol said, lifting his free hand, palm up,
obviously prepared to create a new gift. "Name a flower you like."
Yue's eyes opened, but continued to look away.
"I like it," he said quietly, so quietly that Eriol took a step
closer.
"Sorry?" Eriol said, brow creasing slightly.
"I like that one," Yue said firmly, turning back to pin Eriol under a
forceful gaze that made Eriol blink once in surprise. Yue held out
his hand. "Give it to me."
Eriol opened his mouth, but seemed unable to say whatever he had
meant to, so instead he shook his head slightly and brought the rose
back out from behind his back, placing it in Yue's outstretched palm.
Eriol watched as Yue gingerly held the rose for no more than a few
seconds before he stepped over to the table and put it down.
"I'm sorry," Eriol repeated, and he genuinely was. He felt extremely
disappointed in himself. No matter what he did, it seemed he was only
capable of making things worse.
"I'm not," Yue said quietly, and he glanced up to watch as Eriol
frowned slightly again, plainly confused.
"Sit," Yue commanded in his usual mildly rough manner, gesturing to
the chair on the other side of the table as he sat on the chair
closest to himself, letting his hair drape over the back of it and
his wings rest on either side. He waited expectantly until Eriol did
as he was told, taking the seat directly across from Yue.
"You're not what, Yue?" Eriol asked, folding his hands in his lap
again as he regarded Yue, still frowning slightly.
"Sorry," Yue clarified, holding Eriol's eyes. "I'm not sorry for what
happened yesterday."
Eriol's frown faded into another look of surprise.
Yue turned his eyes downward.
"It's been a long time since�anyone other than To-ya has touched me
like that," Yue said softly, his eyes fixed on the white
rose. "Perhaps since�since the last time you held me, before you went
back to England the first time."
His eyes glanced up towards Eriol again, but before Eriol had a
chance to try to judge Yue's mood, Yue's eyes had flickered back
towards the window. When he spoke again, his voice was near a
whisper.
"For many years I've told myself that I don't need anyone�but
truthfully, sometimes�I've wished that he could hold me again."
Eriol's jaw set in a look of mild chagrin.
"That's why I apologize, Yue," he said quietly, his eyes troubled. "I
am not him. I'm not the one you miss, and I shouldn't behave as
though I am."
"But you remembered," Yue said, lifting his eyes to meet Eriol's.
Eriol shook his head, clearly not understanding. Yue smiled slightly,
sadly. "The white rose�and the way you stroked my hair�you remember."
Eriol frowned, looking far more troubled than he had a moment before.
"Yes, I remember�but those memories aren't mine," he said, his voice
growing firm and somewhat flat. "Yue, I apologize if I've given you
the impression that I am Clow Read, but it is only an illusion. I'm
not him."
His voice cut off when he saw the gentle pleading in Yue's eyes, and
he closed his eyes to shut out the sight, turning his head.
"It really bothers you, doesn't it?" Yue said quietly, and Eriol
waited, breath held, wondering what Yue intended to say. "It bothers
you to be confused with Clow Read. I know that feeling�or rather,
Yukito knows that feeling."
Surprised by this turn in the conversation, Eriol turned back and
opened his eyes, openly displaying his curiosity.
"When Yukito first became fully aware of me, he believed that his
entire life had been a lie. He didn't know how to think of himself�he
wasn't even sure whether he was real," Yue said, voice softening
slightly as he remembered the intense sadness and confusion that had
plagued Yuki for so many weeks after Yue had first fully revealed
himself to his other self. Within his mind, Yuki was listening with
the same curiosity Eriol was paying to Yue's words. Yue could feel
his heart beating a little faster, and knew that it wasn't only
because of his own feelings.
"It took time before he came to realize that he was a different
person from me�not separate, but different. He is as real as I am�he
is a part of me, and I am a part of him, but we are not the same, and
neither of us should be thought of as though we were," Yue continued,
one fine silver eyebrow lifting slightly, almost challengingly, as he
met Eriol's eyes. "I believe�your situation is not so different."
Eriol remained silent for a moment, then closed his eyes. When he
opened them again, he was smiling.
"Yes," he agreed, his voice slightly hoarse. He cleared his throat
before continuing. "I�was very young when I first came to understand
the truth about myself�when I understood what was different about me.
I had been given Clow Read's power, and the memories to use it, and
more importantly, I had a responsibility to give each the care they
deserved."
He sighed softly, shaking his head. He was no longer looking at Yue,
but instead off to one side, into his own memories.
"For a long time, I didn't want to believe it�I resisted it," Eriol
confessed, his eyes sliding shut. "I felt that it was wrong�that the
memories were not my own, and I had no right to them. It took many
years before I realized that the memories are mine, in the sense that
they're a part of me. A part of me *is* Clow Read; I've accepted
that. But I am *not* him�and I don't want to give anyone the
impression that I am."
He opened his eyes and turned to Yue, awaiting his answer to this.
"I know," Yue said, his tone surprisingly soft. "I understand, now,
what I didn't at first. I know you're not Clow�so please, don't let
that keep you from�"
He trailed off, suddenly sitting upright and blinking, and Eriol
smiled when he realized that Yue was shocked to hear his own words.
"From what?" Eriol prodded gently.
"From�keeping your promise," Yue said quietly, dropping his eyes, as
though he felt he'd said too much.
"I'm trying, Yue," Eriol said softly, watching as Yue slowly forced
himself to meet Eriol's eyes again. "I'm doing the best I can�I
promise you that."
Yue nodded once, only the slightest reluctant motion of his chin.
"Thank you," he said, in the same quiet, mildly perturbed tone.
For several moments they sat in a silence that at first seemed tense,
but slowly grew to seem natural. Yue had turned to look out the
apartment window, and Eriol sat with his eyes closed, enjoying the
stillness and the pulse of emotion he felt coming from Yue, at first
so awkward, and then eventually comfortable. Anyone else might have
found it strange to sit for so long in total silence, but both of
them were accustomed to quiet. It brought Eriol an odd sense of
contentment to know that Yue trusted him enough to let down his guard
even this much�that he felt comfortable enough with Eriol's presence
to behave as he normally would, without feeling the need to force a
conversation.
Time passed, the only sound the ticking of the clock on the wall.
Eventually, Eriol opened his eyes, and for a few moments he regarded
Yue in silence, for the first time allowing himself to simply look at
him. Yue looked, of course, exactly the same as he had when Eriol had
first seen him, eight years ago. In fact, he looked exactly the same
as he had the very day Clow Read had created him. He would never age,
never change unless he sought to alter his form by means of magic. If
there was a difference, it was that his features had softened in the
years since Eriol had first seen him; he no longer looked quite as
ambivalent as he had then. But the sense of perpetual melancholy that
surrounded him like a shroud had not dissipated, and Eriol suspected
that perhaps it never would.
It was several moments before he realized that he was being watched
in return. His eyes had traveled downwards, coming to rest on Yue's
hand where it rested against the tabletop. He was contemplating to
himself the perfection of form and dimension of Yue's pale, fine-
boned hands---the artistry and care that had gone into the creation
of every slender, delicate finger---when he suddenly realized that
the emotional atmosphere Yue radiated had changed, subtly and not
suddenly, but enough to attract Eriol's attention. His eyes lifted,
and he felt a slight twinge of embarrassment when he saw that,
although Yue had not turned his head in the slightest, his eyes had
swiveled and he was eyeing Eriol from the corners of them. The
expression on his face could easily have been mistaken for
bemusement, but the only particular emotion Eriol could sense from
Yue was a curiosity that almost rivaled his own.
"It seems we've caught each other in the act," Eriol said with a warm
smile.
Yue turned his head, meeting Eriol's gaze more fully.
"It's only natural that we should be curious about each other," Yue
said simply. His voice had regained its usual no-nonsense tone, his
embarrassment of earlier gone. "You must be curious about how
different I am from the Yue of your memories, and I�I know so much
about the part of you that is Clow�and almost nothing about the part
of you that is Hiiragizawa Eriol."
"Please, don't hesitate to ask," Eriol said with a slight grin, which
Yue only saw fit to return with a mild narrowing of his eyes. Eriol
knew it meant nothing more than that he was sizing Eriol up, judging
his seriousness.
"I have nothing to ask," Yue said quietly, and then he raised his
fine silver eyebrows in mild challenge, "because I wouldn't know
where to begin. As I said, I know almost nothing about you."
Eriol chuckled quietly, glancing towards where his hands were folded
in his lap before he returned his gaze to Yue's. Yue's eyes were
fixed on his face, and he imagined he knew what Yue was thinking:
that he looked different from Clow Read when he smiled, not in any
great measure, but in the line of his cheek, and the pattern of the
laugh lines at the corners of his eyes. He didn't mind the scrutiny,
and remained impassive, willing to let Yue look to his heart's
content.
"I was born in a small town in rural England, in Sussex, in fact,"
Eriol began, his voice lowering slightly, taking on the tone he
typically adopted when he was playing the storyteller, a role he was
quite adept at. "As you'll recall, that's roughly the region where
Clow Read's father's family lived. I am, of course, a distant
descendant of that family."
He leaned back slightly, aware of the way Yue's eyes had settled on
his face, watching his expression as he reminisced.
"Magic has always been a part of my family, of course, but I was the
first in generations to show such promise. Naturally, my father knew
full well the reason�he, like his father before him, and his father's
father, and so on, knew that one day a boy would be born to our
family who would possess Clow Read's magic, given to him by Clow
Read, despite the fact that the magician was long dead."
Yue's expression, which had before conveyed a feigned sense of
apathy, now openly displayed his interest. Eriol smiled, closing his
eyes to focus his thoughts before he continued.
"I was very young when my training began, in all of the skills I
would need to fulfill my purpose. And yes, I have been aware of my
purpose for almost as long as I can remember. I knew that one day, I
would act as the trigger, the catalyst that would allow the mistress
of the Cards to do what she must."
"And how did that make you feel?" Yue asked, his voice just as
apathetic as usual, despite the expression on his face. Old habits
were hard to break, and surely one couldn't expect too much at once.
Eriol considered his answer for a moment before he opened his eyes,
meeting Yue's gaze as he replied.
"Worried," he confessed, smiling slightly at the surprise that moved
swiftly across Yue's silvery eyes. "Even frightened, at times."
Eriol glanced away; this time it was his eyes that fixated on the
blue-grey sky outside the window.
"I didn't want to hurt anyone, you see," Eriol said quietly, his
expression growing more somber as he spoke. "I didn't want to hurt
her. But despite that, I understood the necessity�Sakura-san herself
would surely not have forgiven me, and more importantly she would not
have forgiven herself, if the Clow Cards had been allowed to fade
away."
He turned back and tilted his head slightly, looking at Yue curiously.
"Still, I wonder what you thought, at the time, Yue. When I attacked
your mistress�your friend�what did you think of me?"
Again, Yue looked mildly surprised as he straightened in his chair.
"It�would be hypocritical of me to think badly of you for that," Yue
said, in a serious tone that made obvious the thought that had gone
into his answer. His eyes had taken on a similar seriousness, and
Eriol could easily see that he was expressing his true feelings; in
this, he had no need to hide. "Out of necessity, I also had to hurt
her, once�and perhaps I was harsher than I should have been. But
Sakura�sometimes, very obvious measures are required to make her
understand the seriousness of a situation. She's like Clow, that way�
she's far too�attached to people, and to things. Sometimes she
doesn't understand what she must do until she's pushed."
"Over the years, she's become better at that," Eriol said with a
smile, and Yue nodded.
"Yes. But she may never have reached this point, if it weren't for
the measures that many of us took. I hold no grudge against you for
your actions against Sakura."
"Thank you," Eriol said, his smile growing wider, his eyes falling
closed. "I must admit, I'm relieved to hear you say so."
When he opened his eyes, he found Yue looking at him again, with that
same narrow-eyed, curious stare. He grinned again, and Yue narrowed
his eyes further.
"Let's see," Eriol said, clearing his throat softly. "What next?
Well, I was educated for the most part in England, with occasional
periods in Japan and China. I am, at the moment, on a break from my
university education."
"University?" Yue repeated, eyebrows lifting slightly in
surprise. "What are you studying?"
"Literature," Eriol said simply, with a slight smile at the look that
crossed Yue's face. "Literature and philosophy, although not in equal
measure, I'm afraid. At this point in my life, I've become more
focused on my own pleasures than I once had time for."
"I suppose that's your prerogative," Yue said, and someone less
observant than Eriol might have taken his tone to mean that he didn't
care in the least. In truth, Yue was thinking to himself that Yukito
had occasionally expressed an interest in going to university and
studying literature. Even as the thought crossed his mind, he felt a
swell of interest from his other self.
"Is there anything else you wish to know?" Eriol asked, in his usual
friendly tone, drawing Yue out of his thoughts.
"How old are you?" Yue asked, after only a moment of silence.
Eriol blinked.
"I know you must be older than you look. I highly doubt Clow could
have timed his own reincarnation to the degree that you would be
Sakura's age," Yue elaborated, his eyes sweeping Eriol up and down
once, taking in his youthful appearance.
"Well put," Eriol said softly, after he had taken a moment to regain
his equilibrium. "You're right�I'm not as young as I look. I arrested
my own physical development at the age of eleven, in preparation for
my meeting with Sakura-san. But Clow Read was remarkably precise,
despite the odds�I am also not as old as you might think."
Despite his vagueness, Yue seemed to understand the kind of age Eriol
was referring to. Although Yue's expression didn't change in the
slightest, Eriol could see by the slight shift in the color of his
eyes that he was somewhat amused.
"Please, don't let the fact that you're hundreds of years older than
me intimidate you," Eriol said with a grin, displaying his own good
humor towards the situation.
"I'll try to contain my nervousness," Yue said dryly, with a slight
smile, and then he caught himself and quickly schooled his expression
back into its apathetic mask. He glanced towards the clock, and
Eriol's eyes followed his.
"Look at the time," Eriol said softly, somewhat regretfully. "I'm
sorry, Yue, but I'm going to have to take my leave of you�I'm
supposed to be meeting Sakura-san and Li-kun for lunch."
"Fine," Yue said, but there was the vaguest hint of emotion in his
voice, just enough to let Eriol know that the odd feeling he sensed
from Yue was mild disappointment.
"You're free to visit me whenever you wish," Eriol assured him. "You
can telephone me, or simply come by the house. I'm rarely gone for
long."
"Fine," Yue said again, and this time he looked mildly flustered, as
though he didn't quite understand why Eriol had felt the need to
offer such a thing. He pretended to remain uncaring as Eriol got to
his feet and made his way towards the door, stopping to slip his
shoes back on.
"I hope to see you soon, then, Yue," Eriol said, smiling even though
Yue wasn't looking at him, but instead out the window again. "Good
day."
Yue didn't acknowledge him at all, but Eriol didn't mind. Instead, he
opened the door and started out, aware that Yue had dismissed him.
But at the last moment, just as he started to pull the door shut�
"Thank you."
Eriol froze, carefully banishing his surprise before he turned back
to look at Yue. Yue had turned and was watching him, but Eriol's eyes
didn't remain on Yue's face, because Yue's hand, the same slender,
pale hand that Eriol had been watching earlier, had closed gently
around the stem of the white rose that had remained untouched on the
table throughout the course of their conversation.
"For this," Yue said evenly, and Eriol finally brought his eyes up,
meeting Yue's gaze. He was surprised to again find a hint of
challenge in Yue's eyes, and this time he couldn't quite understand
what it meant, except that perhaps�perhaps it was Yue's way of
telling him not to give up.
"And for the rest," Yue said, his tone becoming noncommittal as he
dropped the rose and turned back to looking out the window.
For a moment, Eriol was silent, unsure how to respond.
"You're welcome," he said finally, softly, with a gentle smile. And
then he was gone, and Yue was looking silently at the closed door.
A moment later, Yue heard the slight squeal of the hinges of Touya's
office door as it opened, and Touya poked his head out. His hair
seemed even messier than usual, and Yue felt his expression softening
when he realized that it meant Touya had been running his hand
through his hair, as he sometimes did when he was worried.
"He's gone," Yue said, when Touya glanced between the door and the
table and still didn't come out of his study.
Touya nodded and came out, making his way into the kitchen to pour
himself another cup of coffee, despite the fact that it had long
since gotten cold. Yue got to his feet and started towards the
bedroom.
"Yue."
Yue stopped, turning back, lifting an eyebrow, as he usually did when
he was directly addressed by Touya.
"Daijoubu?" Touya asked, in a deceptively casual tone, as he leaned
against the counter and sipped his coffee.
Yue forced himself to relax enough, for once, to offer Touya one of
his rarest, most gentle smiles.
"Aa�daijoubu da."
Touya nodded and peered down into his coffee cup, and by the time he
glanced up again, Yue was gone, the bedroom door closed behind him.
*****
END PART SIX