Date Finished: October 29th, 2003 (my 21st birthday! ;P)
Classification: Romance, Angst
Pairing: Eriol/Yue, Clow/Yue, Touya/Yukito, mild hints of Touya/Yue
Rating: NC-17
Note: Sequel to `Love Is�', but can be read independently.
Glass
By Elsewhere
<[email protected]>
All other information in Part One.
Part Four:
Glossary:
aa - yeah
arigatou - thank you
hai - yes; okay
hora - hey
iie - no
sumimasen - excuse me; I'm sorry
tadaima - I'm home
*****
This city won't stop
Even if I held you strongly
You probably think I'm awkward
Even my kindness is turned around
*****
As ever, Eriol was exceedingly polite. Within moments he had ushered
Yuki into his comfortable living room and offered him a seat on the
couch, asked him whether he was comfortable and if he wanted any tea,
and then, when Yuki offered a confident "Aa, arigatou" to the first
question and a mildly hesitant "Hai�arigatou" to the second, Eriol
had made his way to the kitchen so quickly that he seemed to have
disappeared within the space of time it took Yuki to blink. Despite
this, Yuki didn't receive the impression that Eriol was rushing. He
wondered if it would be possible for the quiet, confident young mage
to ever convey ordinary frustration or anxiety.
In many ways, he really was like Clow Read. Clow had been a man of
great passion expressed in only the most quiet and meaningful ways;
the type of person who wouldn't allow his life or his thoughts to be
rushed by the fundamentally insignificant details that so concerned
most other people. He had been easily affected by events or emotions
that others might have labeled trifling, but no matter what types of
struggles raged on in his temperamental heart, he always remained
calm on the surface. Yue had usually found Clow's ready smile and
always-gentle touch---as well as the ever-present comfort of Clow's
magical signature, a warm and steady presence in Yue's mind---
comforting, but there had always been times when what normally
brought him contentment instead gave him an extreme sense of
irritation. Sometimes, Yue had wished that rather than remain calm
and smiling even in the face of sadness or worry, Clow would let
himself simply *feel*�
These thoughts were all passed along to Yuki by the still-open
connection between Yue's conscious thoughts and his own, and Yuki
smiled as he thought with irony that he had sometimes felt the same
way about his other self as Yue felt about his former master. He felt
Yue bristle slightly when this thought reached him, and Yuki
internalized his smile as best he could as he thought, gently, <Yue�
you're not so different from Clow. So often, you hide what you're
feeling.>
Yue seemed briefly startled, and then gathered his wits. His reply,
when it came, was tinged with a sense of his own irony.
<Aa�now. Back then�>
His mental voice cut off sharply just seconds before Eriol turned the
corner back into the living room, carrying a tray not only bearing
tea, but also heavily laden with various sweet things. Yue coughed
lightly in Yuki's mind, the sound intended to hide the laugh that had
crept up on him, and Yuki sighed patiently, fully aware of Yue's
amusement.
"Tsukishiro-san," Eriol said, bowing slightly over the tea tray. He
remained standing. "It's a beautiful day�I wondered if perhaps you
might like to take your tea outside."
Even though Yue remained quiet---or perhaps because of this fact---
Yuki got to his feet rather quickly, and rather than the affirmative
that Eriol expected, he instead uttered a quick "Sumimasen" that made
Eriol blink.
"Sumimasen," Yuki repeated, bowing respectfully towards the younger
man. "But if it's all right, I think it's time that I left."
Eriol comprehended his meaning instantly, and closed his mouth on the
mild protest he had prepared. He nodded once, and Yuki suddenly felt
a bit nervous, probably because of the fact that Yue seemed to have
developed a sudden anxiety under the press of Eriol's eyes.
Under the circumstances---those being that Eriol seemed inclined
neither towards going away or turning away, and that Eriol's mildly
curious gaze felt almost like a challenge---Yuki didn't feel that he
could ask to be excused. But despite himself, he couldn't hold
Eriol's eyes, instead dropping his gaze towards the floor. He felt
himself lifted, had the impression of a brilliant light surrounding
him, and warmth�he was so warm�
And the world shifted, going black for a second before it solidified
into what he thought of as his own little parallel reality. From
behind Yue's eyes, he had the impression that the look in Eriol's
eyes had shifted, that it had become gentler somehow�and then Eriol
smiled.
*****
"Good morning, Yue," Eriol said, again speaking in English. Unlike
usual, he hadn't closed his eyes as he smiled; they remained open,
regarding Yue with that same vague curiosity, but they had softened,
expressing a slight sense of pleasure that reminded Yue, once again,
of Clow. "Please, won't you join me outside?"
He gestured towards the door with a slight movement of the tray, then
waited until Yue nodded slightly---Eriol didn't seem offended at all
by Yue's characteristic lack of formal acknowledgment---before he
turned and led the way through the house to the back yard. Yue paused
only briefly to collapse his wings, forcing them to vanish, before he
followed Eriol out into the bright morning sunlight.
Eriol placed the tray down on the table and moved around to pull out
a chair, then stood patiently behind it. Yue eyed him for a moment,
slightly annoyed by the gesture---so entirely the type of thing Clow
would have done---and then moved forward, placing a hand on the back
of the chair. Eriol seemed to sense Yue's irritation instantly, and
with the slightest flicker of a smile he retreated, moving around to
his own side of the table and allowing Yue to seat himself.
Eriol waited in silence until Yue had arranged himself on the chair---
he was trying to get his hair somewhere out of the way, and ended up
allowing it to coil down his leg and gather in a messy pool against
his foot---and then smiled again, this time conveying nothing more
than a friendly politeness as he leaned forward and picked up the
teapot.
"May I offer you some tea?"
For a moment Yue was entirely silent, eyes narrowed slightly as he
regarded the young man across from him, a look in his eyes that might
have been construed as contempt. When he finally replied, his tone
was short, clipped with what would have sounded to the unaccustomed
ear like annoyance.
"I don't�"
"�need to eat or drink," Eriol interrupted, his smile widening
slightly as he watched Yue's eyes narrow further, real irritation
finally mixing in with the typical imprudent curiosity. "But that
doesn't mean you are incapable. Both you and Cerberus are capable of
taking food or drink for the sake of pleasure."
Yue opened his mouth---no doubt to scoff at the idea that he took any
particular pleasure from such a simple act---but, of course, decided
against it at the last moment and snapped it shut again, turning his
eyes away. He remained that way, stewing in silence, his arms folded
defensively over his chest, as Eriol calmly poured two cups of tea
and passed one across the table.
<Yue,> Yuki said firmly in Yue's mind, as the silence stretched to a
ridiculous length. <Please say something�he's trying.>
The tone of Yue's thoughts told Yuki that he begged to differ with
that assessment, but Yuki had no time to protest. Despite his
annoyance, Yue complied with Yuki's request and turned to fix his
gaze on the young magician once more. Yue held Eriol's eyes, and this
time it was his gaze that held a hint of challenge as he picked up
the teacup and, making sure that Eriol was watching, lifted it to his
lips.
His poise was shattered, however, when he took a sip of the liquid
and found it not only just shy of scalding, but also incredibly
bitter.
Eriol kept smiling that damnable smile as Yue sputtered quietly,
silently accepting the napkin that Eriol held out to him and bringing
it to his mouth.
"I had forgotten the English obsession with horrid, acrid teas," Yue
commented in an undertone as he wiped his mouth and lowered the
napkin, and he felt some of his irritation lift against his will when
he heard the soft sound of Eriol's laughter.
"It would be better with milk and sugar," Eriol agreed, nodding
towards the milk jug and the sugar bowl.
"Sugar?" Yue repeated blankly, as though he'd never heard the word
before. In fact, he was wondering when the last time someone had said
something so absurd to him had been. *He* should eat sugar�? It was
impractical and silly; he had no need of any food at all, much less
something so useless, and even if he had required sustenance
independent of his source of magic, his other self consumed so many
sweet foods so often that even the thought of sugar made him wince.
The sound of Yuki's amused snort echoing through his mind made Yue
cringe slightly, and he sent a silent message asking his companion to
try to keep his decorum. Unfortunately, this only made Yuki laugh
harder, so Yue gave up with a soft sigh.
"May I?" Eriol asked, eyes twinkling as he leaned forward again. Yue
nodded, then shook his head slightly in mild disgust as Eriol poured
a dollop of milk into the cup, then added three cubes of sugar and
stirred the mixture until it was a creamy tan color.
On Eriol and Yuki's simultaneous prodding, Yue tried the tea again,
and was pleasantly surprised by the sweet taste that filled his
mouth. This time he took a moment to inhale the gentle fragrance of
the drink, and his eyes drifted closed of their own accord as several
memories flickered through his mind, too fast for him to examine�
memories of sharing tea with Clow. Yes�he had liked tea back then,
with three cubes of sugar�he remembered. Back when things like that
hadn't seemed so trivial.
When his eyes opened, he found Eriol regarding him curiously again.
He waited in silence as Eriol sipped his own tea, then leaned back in
his chair, folding his hands in his lap and closing his eyes, smiling
warmly in his typical fashion.
"Yue�I wish to apologize for the other day," he said, in his usual
soft, deep tones. "I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable, or
to place you under any pressure."
Almost as soon as he'd finished talking, Eriol sensed the change in
Yue's demeanor, and his eyes snapped open. His smile faded instantly
to a look of surprise when he saw the irritation---anger, even---that
had returned to Yue's eyes.
"Yue�what is it?" Eriol asked, genuinely confused. He was sensitive
enough to the magical aura that surrounded the moon guardian to feel
that Yue was genuinely perturbed, but he couldn't sense the reason.
For another long moment---to Eriol it felt like an eternity; the only
other time in recent memory when his heart had beat this hard had
been on Sakura's wedding day, and for the same reason---Yue was
silent, narrowed gaze fixed on Eriol's face. Yue's face remained as
still as stone, but Eriol could feel, just on the edge of his
awareness, the slight struggle that was going on within Yue. With
something of a start, he realized that Yue was conversing with Yuki,
and whatever Yuki said must have swayed Yue, because Yue slowly
folded his arms again and leaned back, his eyes relaxing from their
irritated slant and instead regarding him with open chagrin.
"I'd prefer if you didn't speak to me that way," Yue said, in a tone
so intense it was almost cruel. Eriol blinked again, shock coursing
through him as he met Yue's eyes and realized that Yue was entirely
serious. He knew that Yue had grown unused to expressing his feelings
out loud, so it only annoyed him more to feel forced to do so now,
but nonetheless, Yue's voice and manner managed to convey entirely
the very real frustration behind his words. "I preferred it when you
were honest�when you dispensed with the mask. The apology you gave me
the other day was not unwarranted; this one is. I won't accept it."
For the first time he could really remember, Eriol's mouth fell open;
he was entirely, whole-heartedly stunned. The waves of determination
rolling off of Yue hit him just as hard as the sting of Yue's words.
"Uh�I�" Eriol began, only to stop and drop his eyes. He felt,
absurdly, as though he was twelve again, although now that he thought
of it, he hadn't felt nearly as intimidated by Yue back then as he
did now.
"In the past, I have given you the courtesy of showing you my true
feelings," Yue continued, in the same biting tone of censure. "You
cannot ask me to do so again and expect that you won't have to do the
same. You said you wished to know me�if that was true, then your
words a moment ago were a lie. Which were true�your words the other
day, or what you said to me just now?"
Eriol swallowed, trying to gather his thoughts---they seemed to have
scattered in a number of different directions, which wasn't a feeling
he was accustomed to---as he lifted his eyes to meet Yue's again. As
usual, Yue had no patience with his silence, and instead pressed
onward.
"If you wish to know me, it would be unfair not to allow me to know
you in return," Yue said, in a quieter, more even tone of voice.
Eriol could see the silent struggle going on behind Yue's eyes as he
brought his irritation under control. "If you're asking me to be
honest with you, then I wish the same in return. I don't want your
insincere platitudes, the manifestations of the mask."
"What do you want, Yue?" Eriol asked quietly, surprised to hear how
hoarse his voice sounded. His eyes lingered on Yue now with an odd
sort of respect far beyond his prior curiosity.
Upon being asked directly, Yue seemed to lose some of his bluster.
His expression went curiously blank for a moment before he frowned
slightly and forced himself to refocus. Eriol could only imagine what
Yuki might have said to him.
"I want�" Yue began, in the same harsh tone he had used before, but
then he finally met Eriol's eyes for the first time, and he seemed to
see, instantly, the difference. Eriol's eyes no longer presented a
cool, pleasant blue-grey mirror, unrevealing of the emotions beneath.
Rather, they had become warm and somewhat melancholy, leaving Eriol's
somewhat turbulent emotions exposed to the press of Yue's curiosity.
"I want you to speak to me with the same honesty you showed the other
day," Yue said, voice made breathy by his own surprise. His
expression had relaxed, the frown shifting into a look of open, if
mild, confusion. "You were sincere, then. What you said to me�those
were your honest feelings."
"Yes, they were," Eriol said, smiling slightly again, but this time
there was something very different about it. Whereas before his smile
had only implied politeness and humor, now it held a mixture of
genuine pleasure and an odd, mellow sort of sadness. Yue seemed
surprised by this. If Eriol had been looking closer, he might have
recognized that what surprised Yue was the realization that that
strange sorrow had always existed behind Eriol's eyes.
Clow had been like that�always sad, even when he was happy. And Yue
had inherited the tendency from him.
"I'm sorry," Eriol said softly, and Yue's eyes sharpened briefly as
though he was analyzing Eriol's seriousness, then relaxed when he
understood that this time, Eriol wasn't censoring his
feelings. "You're correct. It would be unfair of me to ask you to be
honest with me without doing the same myself."
Eriol's voice trailed off into silence and he turned away, closing
his eyes briefly before opening them to look off to one side. His
eyes had clouded over, and it was obvious he wasn't looking at
anything in particular. Yue remained quiet, this time willing to give
Eriol the time he needed to collect his thoughts.
Then, abruptly, something happened that made both Yue and Yuki catch
their breath, not because it was an especially alarming event, but
because it came as a complete surprise. Eriol had closed his eyes
again, and Yue watched in stunned silence as Eriol's hands slowly
tightened against the arms of his chair until his knuckles turned a
pearly white color.
<Say something!> Yuki prodded again, this time with some urgency.
"Are you all right?" Yue blurted out. He didn't need to be asked
twice.
Eriol's eyes snapped open and he turned, and when he saw the concern
in Yue's eyes he blinked, again looking shocked. He glanced downward,
then, and noticed for the first time that his hands had betrayed him.
He quickly shifted them into his lap, intertwining his fingers in a
vague impression of casualness.
"Yes, I�" Eriol began, but as he lifted his eyes, he was again hit
with the full force of Yue's feelings---confusion, worry, and most of
all surprise---and he fought against the shiver that traveled up his
spine. His words had choked off, and Yue started to frown, becoming
more worried with each passing second.
"That is�" Eriol began again, closing his eyes once more, but Yue
relaxed slightly when he saw the ironic, self-deprecating smile that
came to Eriol's lips. "I suppose I can't say I'm fine. I've just
promised you that I'd tell the truth, and that wouldn't be entirely
true. It's the promise that makes me nervous, Yue."
He opened his eyes, and again Yue was struck dumb by the naked
honesty of Eriol's gaze. He could see everything: Eriol's
nervousness, his humor, the same melancholia he had noticed before�a
wild jumble of emotions that, almost as soon as he witnessed them in
Eriol's eyes, moved abruptly across the empathic barrier Eriol had
continued to maintain and phased into Yue. For a single moment he
felt synchronized entirely with Eriol's feelings, just as he had
occasionally connected with Clow, so long ago�and then it was gone,
and he was left shaking slightly, one of his own hands now clasping
the chair.
"It's been a very long time since I've been honest with anyone, Yue,"
Eriol murmured, a regretful tinge to his voice and eyes now as he
watched Yue compose himself, eyes slowly lifting to meet Eriol's gaze
again. "I'm sorry. You see why I've been hiding. Feelings long
repressed�can become powerful."
His voice dropped to a whisper, softer than the breath of wind that
moved over Yue's face, shifting the wild strands of silver hair that
fell across his forehead.
"The last thing I want to do is hurt you again."
For a moment Yue stared at him in silence, and Eriol began to feel
the nervousness creeping up on him once more. Again, Eriol felt the
overpowering urge to get up, to leave, to get away before this got
any more unsafe. But he remained where he was, keeping his eyes fixed
to Yue's.
After a moment, Yue finally reacted, but it wasn't the reaction Eriol
had expected. At first Yue only dropped his chin and shook his head,
and Eriol couldn't tell what he might be feeling---he had hastily re-
erected the barriers that kept his emotions from phasing across the
magical connection between himself and the guardian when he had seen
how Yue reacted to only the slight amount he had allowed past. But
then Yue lifted his chin again, and Eriol felt himself start to frown
in abject confusion when he realized that Yue was smiling�and then
Yue started to laugh, a soft, deep sound that shocked something long
buried in Eriol's heart. Somehow, hearing Yue's laughter made Eriol's
stomach tighten even more than it had when he'd felt Yue's anger.
"Sorry," Yue said shortly, finally tamping down his laughter back to
just a soft, bemused smile. His eyes were turned away, as though he
felt he might laugh again if he looked at Eriol. "I simply find it�
ironic. Our feelings are more similar than I thought, but it's
strange that of the two of us, I was the one to realize the truth
first."
Now he turned back to face Eriol, and Eriol felt another shiver
threatening him when he saw the kindness mingled in with the humor in
Yue's eyes. Whenever he'd seen Yue before, it had always struck him
as sad that Yue never smiled or laughed. He never seemed anywhere
near as happy as he had so often been when he had been Clow Read's
guardian. To see Yue genuinely amused and smiling now�despite
himself, Eriol felt his tension start to melt away and he found
himself smiling in return.
"You're a practical person," Yue said in the same mildly amused tone,
and Eriol noticed that he had finally started to relax, his arms no
longer crossed over his chest, hands instead resting on either side
of his teacup, which allowed him to lean forward slightly, towards
Eriol. "So to be practical, I'll take your concerns one at a time."
Eriol nodded, his eyes open and regarding Yue curiously.
"First," Yue said, shaking his head slightly, "you didn't promise
that you would be honest with me. You're under no obligation�there's
no promise to break, so don't let that make you uncomfortable."
Eriol opened his mouth, intent on protesting this, but Yue lifted a
hand, beckoning for silence.
"Second�I'm�familiar with repressed feelings," Yue said, dropping his
eyes for a moment to stare down into his teacup. "I'm not so fragile
that you should feel afraid to let me feel whatever you wish to
reveal. And third�"
He cleared his throat slightly and leaned back in his chair, and this
time it was he who stared off to one side, his thoughts obviously
inwardly directed.
"You really don't have anything to apologize for," Yue said finally.
His tone had grown so soft that it reminded Eriol of the night that
he and Yue had first spoken alone, over eight years ago.
Yue had been so upset that night�he had been crying�Eriol keenly
remembered the look that Yue had given him, laced with betrayal and a
terrible hope that Eriol had felt forced to destroy. At the time, he
had felt an overpowering urge to do nothing more than take Yue into
his arms and stroke his hair, tell him that he was sorry� Despite the
fact that he had felt that in some way it wasn't right---it wasn't
his place to comfort Yue�he wasn't who Yue thought he was---Eriol had
gone with his instinct. He could still clearly remember the feeling
of Yue's head pressed lightly against his lap, and the way Yue's
silken hair had felt against his fingertips.
"You�how much of Clow's memory do you possess?" Yue asked then, in
little more than a whisper.
Eriol knew instantly what was troubling Yue this time, and he too
struggled against his own discomfort as he answered, in the gentlest
tone he could muster.
"I possess all of the memories of his life. I remember them as well
as anyone tends to remember their entire life�some parts are clearer
than others, and I'm sure there are many things I've forgotten."
"In that case," Yue continued, his voice growing stronger as he
turned back, boldly meeting Eriol's gaze once more, "it would be
foolish for me to try to deny my feelings towards Clow. When he died�"
Yue's voice trailed off, and he dropped his gaze again.
"You felt as though you had lost a part of yourself," Eriol said
quietly. He was aware that his voice shook slightly, but he couldn't
seem to get it under control, and he supposed that it was a stupid
thing to worry about just then anyway. "In many ways, you had. And I
know that�you never really had the time to grieve."
"Yes," Yue agreed, closing his eyes and offering the slightest smile
as he thought of what he was about to say. "But with time, the hurt
has become less�because of Yukito. His forgiveness is what has
allowed me to move on."
A rush of surprise moved through Yue, swift as lightning, and his
smile widened slightly. He was picturing the way Yuki would have
looked if he had been standing in front of him just then: mouth
hanging open, soft amber eyes wide open�utterly shocked.
Eriol smiled warmly, and Yue finally felt able to open his eyes and
meet Eriol's gaze again.
"I know that you were not the one who hurt me," Yue said quietly, his
smile fading as he became entirely serious again. "If you have
anything to apologize for, it's that you never gave me a chance,
before this, to talk to you�to try to understand you. I know you're
not Clow, but�"
He shook his head, sending his bangs into charming disarray, bright
silver strands hanging over his eyes.
"But that wasn't your fault either. I do remember, that night, that
you told me that if I ever wanted to talk to you about Clow, I could�
so it's my fault as much as yours. I could have sought you out, and I
didn't."
"I'm surprised you trust me so easily," Eriol said quietly. The
melancholy hue of his gaze had intensified, the grey in his eyes
melting into a softer color of blue. "What if you had sought me out,
and I had denied you?"
"You wouldn't have," Yue said simply, with another slight smile.
"How can you be so sure?"
"A few days ago, I wouldn't have been certain," Yue admitted. "But
now�it's you who've sought me out. Despite your apprehension, you are
willing to speak to me, like this. Just like Clow�you behave as
though my feelings are more important than your discomfort."
Eriol closed his eyes.
"True," he said softly. "I do believe that, Yue. At this point in my
life�yes. I want to be able to make up the lost years to you,
somehow. I want to correct my mistake�I should have approached you
like this before. Years before. I have no excuse. It was simple
weakness that kept me from trying harder to�"
He paused, opening his eyes and visibly fighting to find a way to
phrase what he wanted to say. Yue was also visibly struggling against
something, and Eriol's eyes softened regretfully when he saw the
tears in Yue's eyes, as usual masterfully held at bay by nothing more
than the sheer force of Yue's will.
"I mean that I should have tried to get to know you�to make sure that
you were all right," Eriol said, and now his sorrow was openly
displayed in his quiet tones. "I know it came as a shock to you�I
know it hurt you to find out that Clow�that some part of Clow was
still alive. You felt betrayed, and I know that it must have hurt you
even more, despite that, to learn that your hopes were unfounded. And
I left so abruptly�too abruptly. I should have taken the time to talk
to you, to explain to you why I had hidden myself from you�I know
that's what hurt you the most."
He sighed softly, dropping his gaze.
"I'm sorry. All I can say is that I'm sorry. It's kind of you to say
that it wasn't my fault, but it's not true. My actions hurt you, not
me, and I'm willing to take the blame. Please�if I may�I'd like you
to come and talk to me like this again."
That, finally, made Yue lift his head.
"When? How often? Won't you be returning to England?" he asked
quietly, feeling slightly ashamed at how high-pitched his voice had
become. He always started to sound more like Yukito when he was
upset. He hated the vulnerability of making his feelings so readily
known, just through the change in the tone of his voice. But although
he had become very good at forcing himself to feel apathetic, he had
never learned to avoid an immediate emotional response when he was
directly confronted with his own sorrows and fears.
"I will stay as long as it takes," Eriol said firmly. "I will stay
until somehow, I have succeeded in getting you to accept my apology.
Your forgiveness must be genuine�I won't be able to accept it until
I'm certain of that. I intend to do whatever I can to atone for the
wrong I've done you."
This, finally, was too much. Something about the sorrow in Eriol's
voice, or the determination in his words, was just enough to tip the
balance Yue had been able to maintain until then. The moment he felt
the first tear trickle down his cheek, he dropped his chin and lifted
a hand, hiding his face. He wasn't ashamed; he had never been ashamed
to cry, because Clow had always tried to instill in Yue everything he
himself failed at. But he was afraid�it had been a long time since
anyone had truly known what he felt; far too long since anyone---with
the possible exception of his other self, and even then, Yue was
remarkably good at closing off his emotions in parts of his psyche
that Yukito couldn't reach---had seen the true depths of the hurt
that still remained, even after so many years of pushing it down. He
wasn't only afraid of how Eriol might see his feelings�he was also
afraid because it had been so long since he'd let himself feel so
deeply---he'd become so used to controlling it, hiding it---that he
no longer understood his own emotions, and he had always hated
feeling helpless.
"This time, it is a promise, Yue," Eriol said quietly, and Yue heard
Eriol's chair scraping against the pavement and shuddered slightly,
hoping fervently that he had taken the sound the wrong way. He knew
that he would fall apart if Eriol touched him now�he so rarely
allowed anyone to touch him, and he knew that if Eriol touched him,
Eriol would know what he was feeling�but not only that. If Eriol
touched him now, it would feel too much like comfort, and he had long
ago convinced himself that he didn't need to be comforted. He had had
to convince himself of that to survive the pain.
"I want to make it clear," Eriol continued as he walked slowly around
the table, approaching quietly. The last thing he wanted was to hurt
Yue, to make him shy away---he knew that Yue's usual cold demeanor
was deceptive and that in truth his emotions were surprisingly
fragile---but he knew that the time had come for him to dispense with
his own qualms. "I do promise, Yue. No more insincerity. I'll be
truthful with you if you'll do the same. And I will stay, for as long
as you want me to�when you tell me to, I'll go."
He had reached the other side of the table now; he was standing in
front of Yue, looking down on him, feeling an intense sympathy as he
watched the shivers that wracked Yue's slender form. He knew that
they indicated the conflict that was going on in Yue's mind as he
tried to bring his emotions back under the rigid control he'd managed
to develop in the years since Clow's death.
"Yue," he said, quietly but firmly. Yue responded to the mild command
in Eriol's tone, slowly lifting his head. His silver eyes shimmered
beautifully behind his tears.
"Please," Eriol said, voice softening as he met Yue's eyes. He held
out a hand, palm up, and Yue glanced at it and closed his eyes, brow
furrowing. "If you'll accept me�I should have done this years ago."
It took a moment, but Yue did finally place his hand in Eriol's,
allowing himself to be guided up from the chair until he and Eriol
were standing face to face. He flinched slightly when Eriol cupped
his cheek, gently brushing his tears away, and Eriol withdrew from
the touch. Although he didn't step away, Yue had the impression of
him pulling back, waiting at a safe distance, trying to judge Yue's
mood. Yue forced himself to open his eyes again, and when he saw the
expectant look in Eriol's eyes, he banished the last of his doubts
and took another step forward, lifting his arms slightly.
It happened suddenly�one moment he felt cold, still shivering
slightly as he stood on his own, and the next he felt surrounded by
warmth as Eriol's arms closed around him in an embrace that was both
gentle and somehow protective. At first, his hands carefully avoided
the vast curtain of Yue's hair, but then, in one smooth, natural
motion, his hand shifted slightly and he was stroking his fingers
through the fine strands, and Yue was shivering again, helplessly
quaking. Part of him wanted to step away, because as much as it felt
wonderful to be held again, it also felt more painful than he could
have ever imagined�but he chose to push himself towards the harder
option, to test his own strength. Letting out a quick breath, he
shifted even closer, pressing himself almost entirely against Eriol,
his hands coming up around Eriol's back and gently closing over his
shoulder blades even as he dropped his head to rest lightly against
Eriol's shoulder.
"Is this all right?" Eriol asked quietly, and Yue found the sound of
his voice surprisingly jarring. He must have felt Yue's emotions�they
were so close, he wouldn't have been able to avoid it, even though
all Yue could feel from Eriol was that same soft sense of regret.
Yue opened his mouth to speak, but realized that he really had
nothing to say, so instead he nodded once against Eriol's shoulder,
and waited until he'd felt the remaining tension in Eriol's body
start to relax. Eriol's hands became bolder as they stroked through
Yue's hair.
Yue had no idea how long they stood like that, but it must have been
longer than it seemed, because they only finally broke apart when
they heard the sound of the gate banging, and then the cheerful sound
of Nakuru's voice.
"Tadaima!" she called merrily from the front yard. She couldn't see
them, but she must have sensed that they were outside. Yue knew that
her sense of her master must have been far keener than his own. "Did
you make lunch, Eriol?"
"Blast," Eriol said, chuckling gently into Yue's hair. "I knew I'd
forgotten something."
His laughter faded when Yue quickly stepped away, suddenly looking
nervous and flustered, bringing up a hand to scrub at the tears on
his cheeks, even though they'd long since dried.
"Yue?" he asked, reaching out a hand, though he didn't touch Yue, his
hand instead hovering just over Yue's arm. "It's all right."
"I know," Yue said gruffly, and then he cleared his throat and
rearranged his hair so that it fell in a train behind his back,
instead of tangling around his feet. He couldn't seem to meet Eriol's
eyes, now.
"Yue, please�I'm sorry if that was inappropriate of me," Eriol said
quietly. "I thought that you needed�"
"I did," Yue interrupted, finally lifting his eyes and forcing
himself to smile softly, awkwardly. "But now I need to be alone.
Please."
With his usual abruptness, he turned on his heel and made his way
towards the front gate, not waiting to hear if Eriol would have an
answer. On the way, he met Spinel and Nakuru, the latter of whom
looked surprised to see him walking away.
"Hora, Yue! Aren't you staying for lunch?"
"Iie," Yue answered gruffly. Behind him, he heard the sound of
approaching footsteps, and then the familiar gentle voice, this time
speaking in Japanese.
"Let him go, Ruby."
Yue ignored the stunned silence, ignored the concerned gaze he could
feel following him�he ignored everything as he quickly made his way
out the front gate. All he wanted to do in that moment was to try to
forget how wonderful it had felt to let go�he wanted to retreat back
into the safety of his apathy, and to do that, he had to get away.
As far away as possible.
*****
END PART FOUR