Author: Lipstickcat
E-mail: [email protected]
Pairing: Laguna/Squall
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Laguna takes Squall camping�.
Web page: -
Warnings: Incest, Non-con, angst
Disclaimer: The guys don�t belong to me, at the moment they all seem to be hiding from me anyway�.
Notes: A big sankyuu to Mistigri Bleu for beta-ing Also a big hug for Laguna, because he really doesn�t deserve this�.
***
This was such a bad idea. A stupid, idiotic, bad idea. He�d wanted to bond with Squall so much, but the fates were against him. It was all his fault. He was so selfish. Kiros had wanted to come with them, but oh no, he didn�t want to share his quality time with his son with anyone. Not even Kiros.
And when his friend had told him, out of love and concern, that they should go somewhere with hotel rooms he�d taken offence. He should have listened. He should have brought the phone that Kiros had handed him before leaving, instead of dumping it in the bin outside. So what if Kiros would have been calling every other minute to check up on them? At least he cared. At least then they�d be out of here and Squall would be in a hospital where he belonged, not lying unconscious in his lap.
Squall moaned and Laguna lifted his head out of his hands. He reached down and removed the strands of damp fringe off Squall�s forehead. His skin was flushed, unnaturally hot to the touch, causing Laguna to consider putting out the fire he�d spent half the night getting lit. Squall�s body trembled as a shiver ran through him and Laguna decided to leave it.
The most irritatingly stupid part of it all was that it was nothing a remedy and a couple of potions couldn�t fix. Neither of them had any. Laguna had packed everything; food, blankets, a lighter, (which he later discovered had no gas in), gun, bedtime book�. Everything except a basic medical kit. He�d realised that he�d forgotten it on the flight to the Garden. He hadn�t worried, he was sure that Squall would have plenty in supply. Then he promptly forgot all about it. It had never even occurred to him that Squall might forget as well.
It wasn�t either of their faults. It was an easy mistake to make. But, he should have known better, he should have packed them. He was the adult; it was his responsibility. He was the parent�.
Everything he touched went wrong. He�d managed to screw Squall up without even being present. He had to admit that the SeeD was hardly a well-adjusted young man. But it probably wouldn�t have made much difference if he had been there to be a dad to him. Squall�s fate was sealed the moment he was conceived.
Squall�s body shuddered violently and he cried out softly in pain and distress. Laguna took his hands in his own and squeezed them, hoping that somewhere inside his mind Squall could feel the action and take comfort in it.
If he had read the maps right, which was no guarantee, they were about a days walk away from the nearest town. If they set off at dawn, they should hopefully get there by nightfall. In the meantime, he�d have to pray that nothing else decided to attack them; he�d have to leave everything, including their weapons, if he was going to carry Squall.
It had been fun at first, fighting side by side. The bite bugs and caterchipillers were no match for their teamwork and it had felt like they were really bonding. Then the Malboro appeared from nowhere and everything changed. They were battling then, breaking out in a sweat as adrenaline thundered through Laguna�s ears. Squall was on the ground and Laguna hadn�t even seen him fall. Instinct took over and his memory was a blur. He just had impressions of colours, feelings, and noises; the thick dark blood oozing out of the creature, the recoil of his gun as he pumped round after round into it, its eardrum splitting cry as it finally died.
His next clear memory was of being on his knees in front of Squall, how they stung because he had practically flung himself to the ground. Searching through Squall�s pockets, over his whole body, for a potion or something that would help. The heart-freezing realisation that there wasn�t anything.
He lost his mind and charged through the forest, blindly looking for help, until he realised that he was miles from anywhere, it was getting dark and he couldn�t leave Squall alone and defenceless. He returned to where they�d been camping, started a fire and checked the map. As the fever started to settle over Squall, he covered him with a blanket and sat against a tree, with his head in his lap.
Squall�s eyes roved beneath the delicate covering of his eyelids, his body twitched and his head rolled in Laguna�s lap. Squall muttered something unintelligible urgently and his hands jerked away from Laguna�s grasp. His arms flailed in the air briefly before falling back down on top of the blanket.
Laguna trailed his fingers over Squall�s heated face, pushing more damp locks of hair away from his forehead. He slid the back of his hand down the side of the young face, feeling the solidness of cheekbone beneath his knuckles. Squall puffed out a sigh as he settled back down and Laguna ran his fingertips over his velvety lips. He let his fingers slip between the parted lips, just touching the moist softness inside his mouth.
Laguna�s eyes widened and he pulled away sharply. Gritting his teeth and closing his eyes in frustration, Laguna tilted his head back against the tree trunk.
This was one of the reasons why he�d wanted to come camping with Squall. It was why he needed to bond with him. It was probably also the reason why Kiros had wanted to come; to make sure he didn�t do anything stupid that he couldn�t take back.
He had to keep reminding himself that Squall was his son, but he found it so hard to remember. Sometimes he just wished that Ellone hadn�t told him. The problem was that the first time he met Squall, he had met this incredibly beautiful young man, not his son. Squall had seemed proud and aloof, but full of mystery. He was softly spoken, but commanding. His hair looked soft and feathery, his eyes were sharp and deep. The bomber jacket and leather trousers, packaged up with unnecessary amounts of belts, struck a cord somewhere in Laguna�s crotch.
It was lust at first sight, obvious enough to make Kiros jealous. Shaking Squall�s hand, just being near to him, had made Laguna�s heart patter.
Finding out that Squall was his son had made him physically sick. Kiros had been amused at first, pleased that didn�t have a rival, but Laguna stopped eating. After that, Kiros made it his duty to council his lover. It helped a little. Laguna realised that it wasn�t his fault; Squall was undeniably attractive and how could he have known? All Kiros� kind words couldn�t stop him from looking Squall up and down every time they met though. It didn�t stop him thinking about Squall at night neither, which was always followed the next morning by mortifying guilt that racked his soul.
This was why he was trying to bond with Squall, to do things that fathers and sons did. If he could just replace his first impression of Squall with a feeling less sexual, it would be a great leap forward.
It wasn�t happening though, he still felt the same, and having the gunblader�s head in his lap was probably not helping. He glanced back down at the young man resting on him, a virtual stranger in all but blood. The attraction wasn�t so surprising really. When he actually looked properly, Squall looked a lot like Raine and himself. It was only natural that his memories of Squall�s mother, and a touch of personal narcissism, would have fuelled his desire. If only he�d known.
Squall was calmer now; he looked like he was simply sleeping. So peaceful. So pretty. Laguna let his fingers wander back to those slack lips, caressing them thoughtfully. Squall�s warm breath blew against them in harsh bursts.
Maybe he should just get it out of his system. No one would know�
He hooked one arm around Squall�s shoulders, the other hand cupping the base of Squall�s head. His silky hair lay coolly against his palm and feathered over the back of his hand. He lifted Squall�s upper body up slightly and bent his head.
Their lips touched, just barely, and it was like something burst deep inside Laguna�s chest, sending pleasant prickling sensations through him. It felt so good. His own breath gasped out as he made a soft sound in his throat. This was right. How could it be wrong? He pressed deeper, feeling Squall�s breath against his mouth. A small taste couldn�t hurt. His tongue followed the route his fingers had traced, licking across satin smooth skin, delving between those lips, and into the surprising coolness of his mouth.
Squall shifted in his sleep and for all the world it felt like he was responding, like he was trying to get closer. Laguna allowed himself to believe that he was and held him tighter. Squall�s lips moved against his, a muffled murmur humming around his mouth. Reluctantly, Laguna pulled back slightly, but his heart thudded in his chest as Squall moaned.
Maybe Squall did want this. It was a foolish thought, he knew, but it was comforting and encouraging. It made him feel less like he was forcing himself upon the unconscious boy, more like he was fulfilling a need in Squall that couldn�t be voiced. Perhaps the brunette was in exactly the same situation as he was. Perhaps he found Laguna attractive. It was possible.
Laguna sank back into the kiss, hugging Squall�s limp body to him. Squall�s arms slid from where they had fallen earlier as he was lifted and brushed over Laguna�s clothes. The older man�s eyes fluttered shut, picturing how it could be if things were different.
He hummed as his tongue explored the other�s mouth, tasting the sweet moist surroundings, pressing against his tongue hopefully. Another delirious moan sounded in the back of Squall�s throat, sparking lightening strikes of excitement in Laguna�s body. Then he mumbled something, his tongue moving against the older man�s. Laguna couldn�t stop the needful groan that escaped him.
He pulled back slightly, pressing his lips lovingly against Squall�s, wishing that he�d respond in earnest. The blanket had mostly fallen away; it didn�t take much to push the rest of it down, untuck Squall�s t-shirt and slip his hand beneath the material. In his forced half sitting position, Squall�s abdominal muscles were tensed. Laguna ran his hand over the satiny ripples, then further up to his chest.
The status effects made Squall�s breath pant hotly against Laguna�s mouth, his skin was slicked with beads of sweat, his heartbeat thundered beneath his fingertips. It was almost so real. Almost a fantasy come true.
He rained small kisses over Squall�s damp skin, tasting the salt and once again imagining that there was a different reason for it. Squall mumbled to himself; a stream of unintelligible noises, but any noise that Squall made was heaven to Laguna�s ears. He returned to Squall�s lips, kissing the corner of his mouth, then the curve of his pouting bottom lip. Squall continued his insentient mutterings as the hand that supported his head began to weave tightly in his hair.
������..Dad�..�
It felt like Laguna�s heart had exploded. He choked and pulled backwards, whipping his hand out from beneath Squall�s top. He stared at Squall, his eyes wide with panic, and held his breath.
Squall murmured to himself, his head rolling from side to side. He was still unconscious.
Laguna covered his mouth with his palm as a sickly feeling began to grow in his stomach. It was the first time that Squall had called him �dad�. He still called him �Laguna� to his face, but it seemed that maybe somewhere inside he was accepting him as his father.
The first time he�d heard his child call him �dad�, and he�d been� Oh, Hyne�.
In a sudden rush of nervous energy, Laguna stood up, barely remembering to lay Squall back down gently. He ran into the forest, stumbling over his feet and clamping both hands over his mouth. His head was reeling, his heart felt like it had been carved out hollow and his stomach was flipping over. His foot caught in a tree root, and his surroundings seemed to keep moving while he was jerked to a sudden stop. His ankle twisted and he flung his arms out to catch himself as the ground rushed up to meet him. Then he promptly threw up in the pile of leaves he had landed in.
It took a few minutes for him to even care enough to think about moving. Emotionally, he felt drained, and the feeling soaked through him, sapping his physical strength as well. Eventually, he made the effort to lift himself up enough to roll over. The dead leaves crunched beneath him as he dropped back down. His body shook, and he wasn�t sure if it was from the exertion or not.
He dragged a trembling hand through his fringe and intently peered through the branches above him, looking for a glimmer of a star in the unforgiving black void. He couldn�t see any, and it was little distraction anyway. The twinge in his ankle and the burning bile in the back of his throat was nothing compared to the ache he felt inside. He felt numb and it was amazing how much the sensation of nothingness hurt.
He closed his eyes and took deep, shuddering breaths. It didn�t help. He didn�t want to move, but he couldn�t leave Squall alone. He�d already screwed up enough, the last thing he needed was for Squall to get hurt, even more hurt, while he was gone. He�d have to get up in a minute, then spend the rest of the night keeping watch, carry Squall to safety in the morning and pretend that nothing had happened.
Pretend that he hadn�t kissed his son. Pretend that he hadn�t enjoyed it. Pretend that he didn�t want to do it again.
Even as his stomach threatened to make him vomit again, another feeling stirred in him. He clenched his teeth and screwed up his eyes against it. Never again. He wished that he could just cut those unwanted emotions away. He�d happily carve himself up, just to feel normal.
He reopened his eyes. Wretchedly, he got to his feet. He made his way back to the clearing, limping slightly. He hoped it wouldn�t slow him down in the morning. Sharp twists of pain shot up his leg every time he put his weight on it. He purposely lent on it; he deserved to hurt, and it at least distracted him, even if it was only for seconds at a time. He�d stand up all night if it meant that it would stop his mind wandering to the hopelessly vulnerable brunette lying at his feet. It was going to be a long night.