HOUSEWORK

1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face,
and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.

2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area
under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.

3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against
harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.

4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb,
thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your spouse points out that the
light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And
spoil the mood?"

5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines
and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger,
thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.

6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming
you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play animals for
underprivileged children.

7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and
close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door
knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy
hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee
table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."

9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an
assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior
did this the week before that unspeakable accident... I haven't had the heart
to clean it..."

10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water
in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous
locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh,
"I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere."