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| 24. Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh. 25. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress; but you may never ask who's playing. 26. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny, loser friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood. 27. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: "Yeah, baby, push it!"; "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"; "Another set and we can hit the showers."; "Nice ass. Are you a Sagittarius?" 28. It is permissible to order a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless model....and it's free. 29. When in a bar with a ratio of more than five waiting customers per bartender, limit orders to beer and straight liquor. (No, your girlfriend doesn't need a frozen flying grasshopper with a twist of grapefruit). 30. Only in a situation of mortal peril are you allowed to kick another member of the male species in the "family jewels." 31. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible "I recognize you" nod is all the conversation you need. 32. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 33. The third, fourth, and fifth rules of Fight Club: If your buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If during the past 24 hours his actions have caused you to think "What this guy need is a good butt-whipping." You may then stand back and enjoy. 34. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 35. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean. 36. If one guy is already singing along with a song on the car radio, you may not chime in, even if it's the chorus to "Wooly Bully." 37. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except when she's withholding sex pending your response. |
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