ok so heres the dilly on me and kirk......rite now (as of jan 17th/01) were "just friends" this...uh....friendship comes from nearly year long intimate relationship that we had.....we started going out...fer the second time....in jan of 2000...and everything was spiffy.....until i went away to school in september.....september wasnt that bad.....we were both far away and we missed each other and all that cute and adorable crap.....but then the insecurities started to set in....he was convinced that every person of the male persuasion that i talked to was someone i was interested in sexually.....which was the farthest thing from the truth in the entire world thank u......and then he started to get all distant i wanted him to love me like i loved him and he got all resentful of me and we were miserable and all that lovely stuff......so then at the end of november we broke up and went back out and broke up and went back out.....and the cycle continued....and he got progressively more bitchy toward me and therefore i respond an equally bitchy attitude.....and oh my it was bad......so then finally on xmas eve at 3:30 in the morning......yes it was scarred into my brain......he broke up with me.....fer good....and we cried and we hugged and we talked and we cried and we were still going to be friends and then he left.....and i almost died.....but the worst is yet to come......i talked to him once in the next couple of days and he procceeded to tell me that he never really loved me and that he had just fooled himself into thinking that he had and that he never meant it when he said we would spend our lives together....and well pretty much that everything that my life had been based on fer the last 6 months was nothing but lies and well i was a great but he didnt really have any feelings fer me........
BUT this new girl natalee made him feel how he just said he felt about me.......so ya....have u ever been in such an awful state where suicide isnt an option b/c the person u care most about in the entire world wouldnt even give a shit if u were dead.....that was now my life....but i still tried to play the role of friend....u know id call and email and stuff cuz well i really still loved him and wanted him to be happy even tho he had ripped my heart out of my chest and then taken my soul and pist on it......ya it was really nice.....but he ignored me.....so ya......i felt just great....the man that i loved and thought i was going to spend my life with had.....actually b4 he broken up with me.....found the girl that was going to make him happy.....my life was shit....
but how, u ask, did yur relationship get to where it is now.....well.....the day b4 i went back to school (jan 6th) after like a week er 2 of my every attempt to contact him being ignored i finally got a hold of him and asked fer him to drop the stuff that i had left at his house off fer me.....and then we got to talking on the phone.....he told me that the thing with natalee hadnt worked out cuz his friend brandan had apparently told her all this untrue stuff and now she didnt want anything to do with him...oh i almost cried....so we talked and he agreed to drop my things off and come in fer a bit to talk b4 he took off to his friends house........SO....we talked and he apologized fer being such a dick and said that he had still had had a lot of bitterness and resentment toward me that he had to work thru and thats why he hadnt been talking to me......i was down with that.......he also said that he had loved me and he did care about me a lot now but it just wasnt like it used to be and i agreed and everything was cool and then.....just as he was about to leave he made a comment on how beautiful i was er something to that effect and how he wanted to srew me so bad....
WELL the entire time we had been talking all i could think was "wow i want him so much.....hes so gorgeous.....hes so amazing....." and such and well when he said that we got to talking more.....and well we were gonna just go have sex but he actually shouldve already gone to his friends so he said that he mite come back later and that then wed......umm....have hot sweaty sex.....ya.....but he didnt end up coming back b/c he was too tired to have sex and stick around after so he didnt want me to feel cheap so he just went home......we talked on the fone and decided to make a pact that neither one of us would be involved with anyone else until i came home from school fer a weekend and then wed see what happened.......
so thats pretty much how we got to where we were when id started the journal......oooooo........just like a really fuct up soap opera eh?? and i think i have a boring life.....oh wait i do....and this is all just dysfunctional.......ya.......i suck and i dont learn but thats ok......i can live with it......and it gives me something to bitch about