time: 10:03am
listening to: the rain outside (mirs still asleep no music)
so holy sweet jesus would u believe it?? i woke today before my alarm went off!! uh huh! i was awake b4 7am!! i am shocked and astounded.....seriously......i mean.....i always plan on getting up fer class but most times well.....sleep beats all.....but not today.....and hopefully ill be able to stay awake all day and then get to bed at a decent time tonite.....decent meaning b4 1am....me and mir r sposed to go into town today but its ice raining so i think thats kinda outta the question......peterboro transit is bad enuff when the weather is good.......i dont want to tempt fate with an unnecisary trip into town......blah.......i have an english essay due in 2 weeks........grrrrr........i have no idea what im going to write about and i even read the boox.....sheesh!
SHUT UP.........STOP YELLING ITS 10 IN THE MORNING......STOP BANGING!!
haha......take that.....i just went and told jawads (neighbour) stupid friend to keep it down......he was standing in the door of the bathroom yelling at jawad.......christ......ppl r trying to freaking sleep......have some consideration....oh well.....haha i yelled at u.....take that......
oh my.....being up early is not fun........what the hell am i going to do.....my next class isnt till 11:30 and i hate that class......its greek history with kinzl........grr.....he sux....maybe ill go watch some tv......hmm.....theres gotta be some crappy talk show on......oh well thats it fer now......tata
time: 5:53pm
listening to: "i dont care" quincy punx
oh my god.....kirk is the cruelest fucker in the entire world.....i seriously just lost a lot of respect for him.....heres what happened.....so im on icq and i see claire (kirks younger sis)....i ask her to ask kirk if its ok if i call him.......he sez sure.....i call.....he proceeds to tell me that he is gay.....he goes on fer a good i dunno 15 mins about his new lifestyle and this guy lou and i mean i have no problem with him being gay but man not xpecting that....feel like im gonna puke......so ya.......we get off the fone cuz im in total shock and cant talk and ya......so mir comes in and i burst into tears...and i cry and cry fer a good 15 mins......b/c all the shit......everything i mean if hes gay why couldnt he just have been gay.....why did we have to go thru all this shit u know? so i cry some more and decide that i have to call him back and talk to him cuz i mean.....god the way he told me was so heartless....like just in passing "and oh ya im gay"......i dunno....i mean if i was to realize i was a lesbian and i knew my x still had feelings for me i would tell him first......common curtosy......and a little compassion u know.....so anyhow i call and im all trying not to cry and blah whatever....so then we actually start to talk and he tells me the truth......hes not really gay......he just said that cuz hes scared......grrr......thats low.....i mean....just be a man tell the truth say "hey linz....whats going on......yur being a sycho" and i mean i dont want to be a sycho....i love him blah whatever.....but i get that he doesnt love me......so why am i gonna sweat him over it u know.......but apparently he thought that i was doing that and blah ya.....and then we talk.......blah fine.....and some how the past gets mentioned and he gets all bitchy and im like "ok what did i do now" and he wont tell me and he gets really short and im just trying to figure out what i did that pist him off u know......cuz i mean i dont want to piss him off......and that just seems to make him more pist and oh my everythings just going downhill so i get bitchy cuz he wont tell me whats wrong and so anyway we say our hostile good bye and i sit down and write all this out.....
and i realize i alwayz say im a sycho and stuff but im not really that bad i dont think......i dont call him up everyday 7 times er anything......i dont talk to his friends and try to find out whats happening in his life......i mean i dont really care....id like him to tell me whats going on in his life u know? like friends....cuz thats what we r......just friends....nothing more.....i get it.....im not slow.....but i cant just instantly not love him either....i just set it aside....i dont know if its ever gonna go away....i dont really care u know....whatever.....its not like its stopped me from doing anything......and i dont xpect anything to come of it...of course it would be nice....i wont deny that....but i try to live in reality on most days u know?
but anyway i must now come to his defense.....when i had just ritten like 3 lines of this my fone rang and it was him....and he apologized fer being such a jerk and being cruel.....he also apologized fer getting bitchy.....when the past gets brought up it makes him angry.....and im cool with that....i didnt really realize that id brought it up.....and i mean i dont have a problem talking about it......i didnt realize that it made him so mad....i dunno why it makes him so mad.....whats done is done....i dont blame him fer anything that happened in our relationship.....we brought whatever on ourselves.....i didnt know him and he didnt know me......i did things not realizing that they would create tension.....and so did he....anywho.....thats what pist him off and now i know....i apologized fer scaring him.....hes had stalkers b4 and he took things the wrong way.....i dont blame him.....he still doesnt have as much of my respect as b4 tho...but i dont think he notice er care anyway....
so now everythings cool....i dont feel the need to call him like i did b4....i mean i knew something wasnt rite...and i wanted to know what and why.....to resolve it so there would be peace.....and now there is......and im not tense anymore.....
im tired.....im thinking bout a nap.....hmmm.....sleep sounds good.....emotions make me tired.....tata fer now dawlings