"E-C-A. What do you want to say? English please. Uh.. at least, that's what I thought it was.

December 23, 1999. Not only was it my brother's birthday or my old friend Gloria's birthday, but it was the [enter the fanfare and deep booming radio voice] English Corner Association New Year's Party 2000 [enter the monster truck rally type echo]. (Groovy, isn't it?)

Being the foreign teachers that we are, Terry, Brian, Bethany, and I (Jan is back in Vancouver, WA to see her four grandchildren) were invited to this gala event. Of course, the others knew what party really means. Do you? Let me test you.

Question One. If you can answer this, you'll get 1 jiao. That's a tenth of a yuan, which is a fifth of a Canadian dollar. It's called, "Oh! You mean 'Party!'"

When people in China invite you to a party, it means:
1) You've got a date with the prettiest girl/most handsome guy in town,
2) You are going to boogie the night away (disco inferno, baby),
3) You will watch some performances and you yourself will also perform, or
4) You are going to talk to countless numbers of people about grammar.

Got the answer. I'm sure some of you do. If not, here's my big clue. Brian and I joined the Sophomore Girls Choir to sing Deck The Halls and We Wish You A Merry Christmas. If you haven't guessed number three yet, then I don't know what TV show has dulled your brain.

Yes, that's right. Henry on stage. Scary thought if you ask me, but I know you won't ask. Admittedly, we didn't have to practise all that much. Both of those songs have been "decking the halls" of mine and Brian's brain since we were wee little laddies. It was a little harder for the girls. They weren't all that familiar with the songs.

We were all prepared for the big night. There was even a dress rehearsal the night before. Our idea for attire was just to look as cold as possible. Not too hard since it had been kind of windy that week. I even had a "touque," which, of course, my American buddies simply call a hat. Anyway, I have a touque that has the name of a golfing wood. Andrew, you're gonna like this. Two words are emblazoned on the side of the touque - Big Bertha. Gosh, I'm really glad I'm in China wearing that thing because no one here is going to bug me about it. Hehe. I know I'd get heckled back home adorning that name on my head.

So, the night finally arrived. The 23rd, that is. The four of us all shuffled into the campus auditorium. It looked like it was gonna be a full house. I imagine the auditorium could probably fit roughly a thousand people. We were quickly ushered to the front. We sat 3rd row center. It was a very good spot to watch the performances.

Terry and Bethany whipped out the watermelon seeds. They are all the rage in China. So much so that the floors of buildings are often littered with the shells of eaten seeds. You can imagine the crunching sound that will make under your feet. Well, you know the old saying, "When in Wuhu, do as Wuhunese do." Right? Of course.

Also, one of the great things about being in China is that you get to see your breath when you're indoors. Hhhh...and watch that vapour cloud rise. Of course, this also means that you will want to keep your jacket, hats, and gloves on. :)

I think the first performance was the best. It was a group of young children dressed up in red suits. They each carried a sort of drum and the girls had their hair tied up into palm trees that stood straight up from the top of their head. Very funky. They would shake and spin their tiny little heads. It was really fun. They had so much energy and spunk.

Unfortunately, the rest of the party has sort of blurred in my mind, so I'll try my best to recall what I can. No guarantees, though. Not as if you're gonna hold me accountable for it, though. Are you?

One of the things that are commonplace in stage performances in China is something called crosstalk. A well-known example of crosstalk in English is the "Who's on first?" type dialogue where one person is talking about something, but the other person always confuses the meaning. Usually, these jokes involve homonyms which are easily confused. And if you know Chinese, there are a ton of homonyms. The language really lends itself to crosstalk. They must have done 2 or 3 that night.

There were, of course, some skits. Some of my sophomore students had got up on stage and were staging some game show debate on how to answer the phone, or something like that. I wish I understood the jokes because the crowd must have been laughing at something.

There was a lot of stage dancing. If you don't know by now, the Spice Girls are pretty popular in China. If not popular, at least, well-known. So some of them danced to "Spice Up Your Life." They also had some traditional dancing too. There was something with baskets. Don't ask, I'm not familiar with traditional Chinese folk dances.

There was also a lot of singing. China has really taken to karaoke like moth to a flame. They love to sing. There were all sorts of songs: Japanese pop songs, Chinese pop songs, patriotic songs, tradtional songs, and more. Of course, there was Brian and me singing those two songs. There was also some Beijing opera. One of the department teachers sang. She was really good. However, I really liked the student who sang. He had this great expression on his face throughout his song. His eyes were as wide as pearls staring with a sort of ferocity. His head would cock back and forth in flow with the song. And his hand would shake just in front of his belly as if he were scolding the audience. He had a stellar performance. I think the guy behind me must've known him because he kept yelling, "Hao!" which means good.

Among the pop singers was this one guy who looks really debonair. While he was singing, he had dancers fluttering around him. He had a very good voice, but his stage movements seemed to be restricted moving back and forth between the front and back of the stage. Then, there was also the local rock band. They had major technical difficulties. The electric guitar just did not want to work. They did a song by Beyond, a Hong Kong rock band, and they got a guy to sing it in Cantonese. Not great Cantonese, but I could understand some of it. Unfortunately, as the singer told me afterwards, he did not have time to prepare for his performance. They recruited him just minutes before the performance. His voice really cracked when he had to hit the high notes. Poor guy. He's a really amiable fellow, though.

Then, here's the one that will really blow your mind away. Okay, maybe it won't, but I think this is the oddball in the entire program. Some of the Junior students decided to put on a fashion show. Catwalk strutting and all. All the femmes were from the Foreign Language Department, but the hommes were apparently recruited from the Physical Education Department. Go figure. So the guys and gals would walk up and down, then back and forth, strike a pose, and catwalk off the stage. Then it would happen again. I think the pattern repeated several times, but I couldn't keep track of how many times. Maybe it was the Backstreet Boys music in the background that distracted me.

One of the more humourous things, though, was the tags still attached to the clothing. Here they were, strutting up to the front very sleekly. They pose. Then they pivot. And then you see them -- store tags. It was too hilarious. Obviously, these clothes were going back to whoever had donated them.

Other notable moments from the fashion show included a guy who almost took out his eye when he was attempting to put on his sunglasses and one guy who had this really mean look on his face throughout the whole show. You had to be there. At the end of it all, the Backstreet Boys were leaving the building and the MC announced where you could buy the clothing. The "perfect" ending to the fashion show.

I can't say that the party was one of my more edifying experiences, but it was a lot of fun. It was good, I think, for the students to have something to look forward to and to prepare for. The party was definitely a topic of conversation for the days that followed, even for us teachers.

"You should have seen yourself on stage, Henry. It was hilarious. And that hat of yours with "Big Bertha" emblazoned on the side of it. Ha ha ha ...!"