30 Ways To Confuse Santa: Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit! Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa." Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :(" Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime." Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Cut a big hole in your roof and cover it with a blanket, so that when Santa tries to land on your roof his sleigh crashes into your living room. Explain that you've been having problems with termites. Set up your living room to look like a workshop, and have people dressed up like elves making toys. When Santa comes, sneer and say, "What's the matter? Afraid of a little competition?" While he's on the roof, yell up to Santa, asking if he'll mind adjusting your TV antenna. When he does so, tell him, "That's good" and don't let him move until the "commercial" comes on. Put on a giant tree costume, and wear a sign that says, "Man-eating Tree - Stay Back." When Santa comes, wave your arms angrily and chase him back up the chimney. Shovel all the snow off of your roof, and replace it with whipped cream. Just when Santa is remarking how cute this is, light a bunch of firecrackers and throw them onto the roof. The explosions should make quite a mess, and maybe scare the reindeer away, too. If so, offer to loan Santa your car. Scatter the parts of a disassembled bicycle around your living room. Get Santa to help you put it together. Make your own stockings to hang over the fireplace. Have pictures on them of things like Santa getting hit in the head with a large rock, or Santa catching his beard on fire. Put a note that says, "For Santa" on a can that's labelled "Rat Poison." Cross out the words "Rat Poison" and write "Yummy Cookies." When Santa comes, act like you're wrapping Christmas presents. Have boxes that say things on them like "Dead Elf" or "Human Skull." If Santa asks, explain that they're for needy children. Set up bowling pins in front of your fireplace. When Santa comes down the chimney, throw the ball at him. Angrily tell him to get out of your lane. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come, and then put up your fists and say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

Strawberry Pop-Tart Blow-Torches Last Updated: 2G August 1994 Author Patrick R. Michaud, [email protected] Abstract Strawberry Pop Tarts may be a cheap and inexpensive source of incendiary devices. Toasters which fail to eject Pop Tarts cause the Pop Tarts to emit flames 10-18 inches in height. Introduction Last year, an article by well-known newspaper columnist Dave Barry noted that Kellogg's Strawberry Pop Tarts (SPTs) could be made to emit flames "like a blow torch" if left in a toaster too long. Given previous work in the field of food-entertainment (see Fun With Grapes - A Case Study), it was obvious that this was a new frontier that requires further exploration. The present work describes our independent verification and experience with SPT-based combustion. Materials Used Only two basic materials are needed to cause SPT-combustion: a (hopefully inexpensive) toaster and some Strawberry Pop Tarts (Figure 1). In this work, the authors used Kellogg's Strawberry Pop Tarts with Real Smucker's Fruit. SPTs can be obtained either with or without frosting; the non-frosted variety were used for this experiment. Figure 1. Toaster and Strawberry Pop Tarts In addition to the basic materials, a number of safety-related items were needed to conduct this experiment. First, a suitable location for the experiment was required, it being expected that the kitchen was not the appropriate place for blow-torching SPTs. The author's driveway was chosen as a suitable site. Second, an appropriate means for extinguishing the SPTs would be needed; a research assistant brought along some baking soda for the purpose. Experiment Preparation The toaster and SPT both had to be properly prepared for this experiment. In order to guarantee that the SPT would receive sufficient heat to begin combustion, the toaster was set to its highest setting and the lever was jammed in the "down" position using adhesive cellophane. A SPT was removed from the box and its protective packaging and carefully placed into the toaster slot (Figure 2). Figure 2. Preparation of Toaster and SPT Next, the toaster and SPT were taken to the driveway, and an extension cord was arranged to provide power to the toaster. At this point, we were ready to begin the experiment. Figure 3. Toaster Prepared for SPT combustion The Experiment and Observations The toaster was plugged in. First the toaster went through a normal "toasting" cycle (approximately 60 seconds), which more than thoroughly cooked the SPT (since the toaster was set to its darkest setting). By this point we could definitely detect a burnt SPT aroma. The toaster then attempted to eject the SPT, but was prevented from doing so by the adhesive cellophane. The toaster then began emitting loud rattling and buzzing noises due to its inability to eject the SPT. (At this point the researchers became somewhat concerned that the noise from the toaster would wake the neighbors and attract undue attention. However, we decided that we were already committed to the experiment and that the neighbors would be able to sacrifice some sleep in the name of science.) Soon thereafter, large amounts of smoke began pouring out of the toaster. The researchers noticed that some of the neighbors down the street were beginning to get a little curious, but the experiment proceeded nonetheless. Approximately 40 seconds later, small flames began licking their way out of the toaster. The flames steadily grew larger and larger until reaching a maximum height of about 18 inches above the top of the toaster. Figure 4 presents a time-series collage of the flames emitted from the SPT. Figure 4. Time Series Photograph of Flaming SPT As the flames were reaching their maximum height, the toaster abruptly stopped making buzzing noises. We speculate that the flames had by this point shorted the electronics within the toaster. The toaster was quickly disconnected from the primary electrical source to avoid any potential damage to the author's house. At this point, the researchers also realized that the heat could inadvertently melt the adhesive cellophane and cause the flaming SPTs to suddenly eject from the toaster. Unfortunately, this did not occur. The flames continued for several minutes. At this point there was some slight concern that the flames might take considerable time to diminish. We then enlisted the help of a reluctant research assistant to sprinkle baking soda on the flames. (The reluctance was understandable given the potential for premature SPT ejection described in the above paragraph.) The baking soda quickly extinguished the flames and produced still further smoke (Figure 5a). Figure 5. Extinguising the SPT Once the flames were extinguished, the researchers noted an unanticipated problem: what to do with the (now defunct) toaster and the spent SPT. It became obvious that the toaster could not be returned to the author's house due to both a continued potential fire hazard and the smell of burnt strawberries. In addition, it was noted that the toaster was still "too hot to handle," necessitating the use of a nearby garden hose to cool the toaster off. This is illustrated in Figure 5b. Finally it was decided to just leave the toaster by the curb for the sanitation experts to pick up the next morning (Figure 6.) Figure 6. Toaster Disposal Summary and Recommendations In summary, overcooking the SPT did produce a good size flame. The effect was not as pronounced as the researchers had hoped, but was satisfying nonetheless. The research assistant noted that the flames produced did appear to have some color variation. We believe that frosted SPTs may successfully produce even larger torches. Further research in this area is warranted. We did desire to repeat the experiment with the remaining five SPTs, but we could not do so because there were no more suitable toasters available for further experiments. In the future, we recommend that toasters be sold in six-packs to accomodate important SPT research. Instead, the remaining SPTs were sacrified over the course of the next several days in private, undocumented consumption experiments. copied from the site http://www.pmichaud.com/toast/