6.27.01
talked to s. today. she said that the way i'm dealing with this now is not my style at all. this time i really need time like every other normal person.
why can't i drink alcohol like every other normal person?
must get over it. giving myself until mid july. i need a plan. i'm like bridget jones with lower drinking tolerance and better looking friends.

6.26.01
it bothers me when people consistently attatch a smiley face at the end of each im message.

07.02.01
went to watch A.I. last night. very bizarre. and i know the dream i had last night was related to this movie. i dreamt that i adopted a small puppy that grew into a little boy. i was then the loving mother of this child, but my own mother wouldn't let me keep him.
hoho will be here tomorrow. we're planning to go to the city- meeting up with joe and his new women. = )

07.04.01
a girlfriend of mine won $80 by out chugging some guy at the bar last night. he was a beefy lookin korean from michigan whose cup went down a whole second after her's slammed down against the table in absolute victory. everyone stared in amazement at this beer guzzling goddess from pittsburgh. who's that girl... la la la la la~ with the prize money, she bought me food and got a straight perm. = )
i used to be very sarcastic. but now, lin is nice.

07.05.01
went to jersey city today to look at an apartment. the ad said to ask for al or olga. so we drove up, got lost of course, and finally decided to park the car in the area and search for the place by foot. we walked for a while and i had to pee badly, so i went into a seedy clam bar type restaurant. it turns out that the apt is right above the clam bar and the owner, al is a loud, healthy looking man in his mid 50's who greeted us with a red face and a can of coors light in his hand. this is the type of guy who maintains a 24hr beer buzz. the apartment is crooked. the floors slant in various directions, the kitchen sinking into the dining room and the bedroom is on a 20 degree incline. al kept saying that the building was over a 100yrs old but that didn't explain why the floors were so crooked. so as the smell of shellfish and beer wafted gently into the rooms, we sat and discussed pros and cons, not unlike what we do before taking on a boyfriend. that's kind of a strange analogy.

07.07.01
calling a guy "beefy" does not mean that he is either attractive or good looking.
went out too many times this week. all day and all night. i guess i've been meeting a lot of people.
one would think that after all this kareoke, i would sing a little better. having a close guy friend is great. it can get a little complicated at times tho.

07.09.01
it is no good, all this drinking. i keep thinking about what my liver might look like. discolored, greyish patches are the areas that have been pickled by beer. new rule. only 2-3 a.u. per week.
i watched a korean movie today. the title translates to "go bunji jumping". it's about this guy who falls in love with this girl. girl dies. then the plot jumps about ten years ahead and the guy is now a h.s. teacher, married with kid and life is pretty good until he realizes that his first love reincarnated into the body of a 17yr old boy in his class. eventually he gets fired from his job because they think he's gay. by the end of the movie the 17yr old also realizes that he is a reincarnation of his teacher's first love. so boy and teacher set off on a trip to new zeland and go bunji jumping. "hope i'll be a female in the next life" and the teacher says, "but what if i'm female too?" "well, we'll have to love eachother again." what a strange movie. and i wonder if it was a contraversial film when it came out in korea. i wonder if my parents watched it... korean gay guys look weird.
i just spent half an hour trying to sign online. i hate aol. i'm so irritated now. geez. i'm also bugging out. everything is driving me nuts.
this guy walked in today with his wife. he started off by asking what bags were on sale, were there any cupons or special discounts. then he pulled me aside and asked in a low voice, "come on, be neighborly and give me your employee discount. help me out." his persistence was pretty amusing.
i think i'm going to have to go through another one of d's brainwashing sessions.

07.10.01
chinese cinema class is pretty boring. after i checked the syllabus, i realized that i've already seen most of the films. but i guess watching movies for 3hrs each week is better than an actual class. i went to three different campus book stores today and i noticed that the guys working in the one by easton ave are all asian. furthermore, they all have shaved heads. they looked kind of funny, all bald and running around between book shelves.
jen and i met up with liz david tonight. that girl will never cease to amuse me. we went to a bar by rutgers called ale 'n wich. pretty seedy place. liz has been having fantasies about the bartender there. "it's sunday morning. bob and i are in his manhattan loft. the room is all white: white sheets, pillows, walls, etc. also there are little puppies". however, according to liz, theirs is a hot and cold relationship because sometimes he greets her with a smile and other times with a flat, "what can i get ya".
a friend told me today that i should get out there again. out there as in start dating again. i'm not really sure how i feel about that. for a while i didn't want to date at all. i just wanted to wait until i found that one person. but things have changed in the past year. so maybe she's right. i should meet more guys. go on dates.

07.11.01 pms-ing bigtime. i was so formidable earlier today at work. but now i feel like snapping at everyone. i want to dive into a vat of chocolate with my mouth open. i wondered if alcohol had anything to do with the recent pangs of anxiety i've been getting. i don't even know what triggers them. it could also be caffiene. i might also be a hypocondriac.
i lost paragraphs of today's entry from getting signed off. i'm mad.
went on pilgrimage to jersey city at 10:30pm to talk to d. oddly enough, he is the only person who makes me feel better about all this. for some reason, everything he says sounds so absolute. "lin, i KNOW how it works. trust me." after that i feel normal and in control.
men are really big on conquests. it must come from the days of hunting and gathering. my mom would say something like that.
i told a friend that i was going to start dating, meet more people, get to know them, etc. he thinks it is a good idea however no one is asking me out on dates.

07.12.01
thoroughly irritated because all my mp3's are gone.
those chinese make some awesome movies. i wonder why korean movies are so bad. some of the romantic comedies are cute but that's as good as they get. class was boring. and how uncanny that almost every guy in the class is chubby. they're all around the same large size as well. speaking of chubb, i ate grease trucks today. i don't think i should get fat moons anymore. i always pick out the egg and the bacon, that according to some are the "best parts!" of the sandwich. i must say, rutgers has some good food joints. oh, noodle gourmet- will have to stop by there next week.
i still haven't bought books. they're all at this one bookstore called recto and verso. sounds like an adult bookstore. i must be relating recto and rectum too closely together.

07.13.01
note to self: never underestimate men.
the above note is actually advice i received from a friend today. i had no clue what he was talking about at first. but then i thought about it... and it all made sense. made a nice 'click' in my head.
age old question: can men and women be friends? will one side eventually start developing feelings? i don't think so, but what do i know?
i think i eat too much. it's beginning to frighten me. lately, i've been eating up to 5 times a day. i'm not talking about little snacks either. that on top of the beers... ugh. not like i'm a growing teen either. but how cool would it be if i did grow taller? 5'7" would be nice.

07.14.01
it's not that i hate working there... just so boring. i remember when i first worked there, my feet hurt so much. now i'm used to it. i actually go shopping during lunch break.
people don't really change.
watched a very odd japns movie today. the film placed very little significance on the story and concentrated mostly on the cinematography. i have a discussion board now, thanks to yen who looooooooooves me.
there are certain songs that remind me of different periods of my life. i actually do it on purpose so that when i listen to the song later on, i'll remember and be able to feel what i might have felt in the past. it helps me recall insignificant events.

07.15.01
i have a friend who has a tendency to get sentimental when she drinks. one night she told me that i was truly a "diamond in the rust". i'll never let her live that down.
we went to buy drinks for the barbeque, and found an italian red wine for $4. of course we bought it but we didn't think it would taste like vinegar.
another week has gone by. when i was younger, summer vacation seemed so long. my parents would make us a daily schedule, a pie chart clock with time blocks colored and labled with different things to do. 9am-10am: wake up, wash up, exercise, breakfast. 10am-11am: reading time. 11am-1pm: lunch and playtime. so on and so forth. usually though, we took off for the pool after lunch.
so there's this guy. i'm not sure if he's moving in on me. recall note to self: never underestimate guys. so i think i'm just going to ask what his motives are. i wonder if he'll get offended by my bluntness.

07.16.01
nevermind before mentioned comment about work. i do hate working there. i'm afraid of the sale this friday. last year they were standing outside the doors before 8am.

quite irritated that my parents removed a dresser from my room. it had been sitting in that corner for the past 12 years of my life. that kind of displacement can throw a person off, you know? they said it was their way of making me get rid of all the junk i had in there. i then decided to rearrange the entire room, which somehow led to taking my bed apart. i wanted to try a minimalist look. now i just have a mattress on the floor and loads of crap strewn all over the room. i guess it was just my disoriented response to the unannounced invasion of personal space (i am 22yrs old i'll have you know) and the weird empty corner with framed pictures and such hanging right above where my dresser used to be. geez.

according to the spark.com's gay test, i am 27% gay. the average percentile for women is 30%. i wonder if women have a higher average percentile than men.

07.17.01
i don't know where this recent penchant for hotdogs is coming from. i want to eat a hotdog everyday. nordie's cafe has pretty good hotdogs. the one at jen's bbq was really good. unfortunately, i fell asleep after having only one bite. i looked for the rest of it after i woke up but it was gone. in desperation, i even pointed the finger of accusation at jen who i am pretty sure was too drunk to know we even had hotdogs at the bbq.

i went to rutgers today for my class, and as soon as i got off rt18, i totally blanked out. i knew where i had to go... i just forgot how to get there. i started feeling anxious and panicked so i pulled over and tried to remember where i was going. i can't explain it. i've been to rutgers countless times, i know the area, but at that moment i was completely lost. finally i found easton ave and couldn't have parked any further from the curb without having the car in direct line of traffic. i think i parallel parked well three times in my whole life.
so i walked to pequod copy to get a course packet and it was closed. i also noticed that it closed 2 minutes before i got there. due to my temporary amnesia, i couldn't get the packet AND had an hour to kill before class started. i ended up going to noodle, rather reluctantly as i hate eating alone. the chowfun was so good though and i didn't feel as lonely as i thought i would.
it appears that lately i've been kind of out of it as far as driving and directions go. last week, i was coming home from rutgers and i missed my exit because i was deeply absorbed in thought (naturally i can't remember what thought), and i didn't realize that i was speeding north until i saw signs for the newark exit. a few days later i went to pick Jen up and passed her street. this time i was spaced out. when i finally got there, i mistook her neighbor's house for her's and parked infront of it. the two houses look not at all alike. i do have a tendency to space out sometimes when people are talking to me, but this spacing out while driving business is upsetting me. and what to make of the sudden lapse that occured earlier today? perhaps next week it will progress onto narcalepsy.

i must now sleep in the living room because there is a spider in my room. it fell from the ceiling as i took a stab at it with a thick wad of tissue (so i wouldn't feel the crackle). i'm actually a little nervous to be in the room right now. do read jen's spider story as well.

07.18.01
for unknown reasons, i was in a great mood this morning. as i was driving to work, i thought "i feel like nothing can get me down today. not even work!" but after two hours at work, i became angry. angry at the world. immediately following sudden feelings of unhappiness, distrust of most human beings, and imprisonment, i got my period.
went to lunch with rosanna and tricilla. rosanna of course is the insanely neurotic-hypochondriac, sicilian fashionista who works in jewelery. t, (i actually met her today) is a 5'8" college basketball player from colgate, who has a taste for very tight clothes and the new england clam chowder at nordie's cafe. after lunch (i ate hotdog) t and i decided to go shopping; she needed to buy a hot outfit "cause i'm gonna see my exboyfriend and i got to look real goooooood." i asked her if she still liked him and she said yes several times,very loudly. "well, the thing is... i cheated on him. my bad. but we been goin out for five years. he was my first boyfriend, first everything! so then after i got to college, it was like being at a candy store, you know?" so there i was, trying to keep up with the long legged strides of this tall, black athlete whose butt is the complete opposite of mine. she bought a snug pair of pants at bijou bijou. sausage-casing snug. if i wanted to seduce a guy, i would not showcase my butt. simply because it embodies very little sensuality.

which reminds me. in sweden, i purchased a pair of jeans because they were nice and very reasonably priced. one drawback, the pants flattened out my already flat butt right into my upper thighs. jen and hen kept asking me to wear the pants and show the flatness but i refused to do it. then one night we were planning to go clubbing and i decided to wear them. when they saw my butt, they laughed and laughed.

07.20.01
red wine never makes me sick. i can keep drinking it and i don't even have to take a nap. had plenty of it last night at jen's. someone told me that it's not good to fall asleep while drunk. i bet it kills masses of brain cells. lately i've been feeling pretty stupid.
i have to go to work soon. first day of the sale. eek.

exhausted. i hate it. i hate it! but i did find a pair of fabulous heels on sale.

07.21.01
it's 11:30pm and i am finally home from work. barely typing. i would really like a glass of water but i am too tired to stand up and walk.
upon the unexpected death (of myself), i would like jennifer leigh oslislo to have my laptop, email acess to mxj152 and bierschlagen accounts, as well as my email disks since freshman year of college. sarah cho can have my jewelery. emi narusawa is to have my letter box and my collection of handbags. paul jun can take all my money. joe ahn is to receive my books and my cd's. byun can have my skin care products. who ever wants, can return clothes and shoes to nordstrom for a cash refund.

07.22.01
as i was driving home from church today, i saw white curtains billowing from a window of an old, brown brick building. made me think of death.
i had a dream that i got pulled over by a cop who specializes in d.u.i. i then realized i was drunk and so many things went through my head. parents, fear, embarassment, suspension from driving... and the whole dream felt so real. for a few seconds after i woke up, i thought it had really happened and i was all stressed out.
sometimes people act differently in church. actually it is just one friend who does this. i don't know why he has to be so stiff and uncomfortable there. he can talk to me just fine as long as it is not in church? what's the deal?

i am still dizzy. what is wrong with me? must get it checked out this week.

moving back to school is always such a complicated and time consuming process. for some reason, i always move to a different apartment every year. and every year the lease of the old apartment ends 2-3 days before the new apartment lease begins. so i have to move my junk home, and take it back with me when i go back to school the following week.

and i don't understand, you deserve so much more than this. so don't tell me why he's never been good to you, don't tell me why , he's never been there for you. don't you know that why is simply not good enough. (good enough. sarah maclachlan)

07.23.01
to the four people who visit my site: i am truly sorry about that horrid background color coupled with white text. please forgive me. baby blue *is* one of my favorite colors but it apparently works better as eye shadow or a sweater.

it is 3:30am and i am eating 7-11 nachos with my brother.

i feel overwhelmed lately.
moths must be one of the most horrid bugs. spiders are also creepy but sometimes an earthy moth with large wings and fat body really takes the cake. i smacked one to its death tonight with the latest issue of allure. that's another thing i hate about summer. all these bugs.

07.24.01
today must be the hottest day we've had this summer. why does jersey have to be so humid? geez! it's so infuriating! work was hectic today. had lunch with rosanne. quotes of rosanna that make me laugh so hard i choked on my hotdog (yes, i consume it daily):
"what are your peoples' skin color called? cause you know, they say italians are green. like olive-colored you know?" "oh, is that how you describe them? 'asian'? alright, i gotta learn that cause you know, usually i'll just say, 'oh she's chinese' haha~" "dude, i'm eating all your chips, look at this i'm eating all your chips (fingers gathered together at the tip, hand faced up, moving up and down). oh geez, look at me, i've got chips on my forehead, oh man i need to calm down, i need some coffee."

mystery: why can't jen oslislo drink without spilling? poor hand-eye coordination? underdeveloped motor skills? warped spacial reasoning that makes her think that the tip of the glass is closer to her mouth than it really is? i wonder what will happen when she gets old. will she just start spilling the entire drink all over her lap, not managing to get even a drop of it to her mouth? maybe she ought to wear a helmet with a spill-proof cup holder built onto it. also, the cup will have a straw that actually has an attatchment piece which can be placed over her teeth, not unlike a retainer. this way, she will simply have to pour desired drink into the cup, don the helmet, and secure the straw into her mouth. if spilling continues, i will have to terminate the friendship.

07.25.01
completely infuriated that i got disconnected *just* as i was saving my latest journal entry.

07.26.01
normal people say, "be safe" but people with lisps say, "be thafe".

rosanne is now my regular lunch buddy. the soup of the day was italian wedding, with the little pastas and meatballs. when we were ordering, ro first asked for a "wedding day", then a "wedding cake", then she said "fungole".

i was looking through some old emails and i decided to post some amusing chunks.

sept 4, 1998. to: jen from: maryellen
nothing exciting has really happened since i got here. we got a bay window. if that doesn't make you want to come back, then nothing will. it's really cool. but the ra said that i should expect to get a roommate in two weeks. that sucks. oh well. sara mazzuto is very upset that you left, but she's a close talker, so that's okay.

sept 18, 1998. to: jen from: linda
I don't think I'm really fast at typing but when I hear the person next to me typing really slow, I get pissed off. Even if he's not typing sentences (ie. making a graph or something to that effect) he must do it mechanically and quickly. It makes me slow down and I just want to take his hands and bang them on the key board so I can hear his keys click click clicking very fast. I think that if I thought about this before I went to bed, I wouldn't be able to fall asleep. I'd probably have to get up and go to a computer and type very fast and listen to it for a while until I have the fast clicking sounds in my head instead of the hesitant clicking sounds.

may 14, 2000. to: linda from: a guy
Linda, I cannot promise you whether my love for you would be unconditional but I will pray that it portrays the Love of God.
hahahahaha. hahahahaha. right...

feb 7, 2001 to: jen and linda from: the ab-fab liz david
ladies.
first, i think we will all agree that jannifer is ridiculous--who goes on a fabulous extravaganza in europe and then doesn't remember anything from it? jannie, please for the love of God, write some things down so that you'll remember them. that is all the mothering i am going to do. well, except to tell you that that lady is right, THAT is why you shouldn't be drinking oj near expensive computer equipment...who raised you ? apes? irfana?

there are these wooden mannequins at work, quite expensive as they've been well made with joints at the elbows, wrists, and fingers. the problem is that rich people seem to just love playing with jointed wooden displays. most popular appears to be the thrill of bending the fingers into a fist, then making the middle finger stick straight out. the mannequins have been so manhandled since they first came in (about 2 months ago) that each one has at least 3 missing fingers, if not the entire hand. i actually gave jen a broken off index finger as a gift but that is not the point here. the point is, there are amputated mannequins on the sales floor at nordstrom. today i walked into the stock room and saw an entire forearm. later i noticed the mannequin with the missing forearm still standing in the center display, with a large leather tote bag somehow wedged between the body and upper arm. they give me the eebie jeebies.

07.27.01
how am i even able to type right now? i will definitely not feel good tomorrow morning. i stole the detatched forearm and gave it to jen.

07.28.01
paul woke me up at 7am demanding that i let him use the car today. i got so mad and started yelling back at him, just laying there on my bed with my arms doing the "jennifer oslislo-eva peron don't cry for me argentina" movements.

the other night i discovered that i can manipulate my voice enough to imitate chinese opera. since then i've been singing chinese opera pieces to amuse myself and others, however i do not know chinese so i have to make up the words or sing chinese names like mao zedong or gong li.

so back to the forearm. i wanted it but for some reason i just didn't want anyone to see me take it :P so i had to plan out "how to steal forearm of mannequin from stock room without getting noticed". i went on a coffee break, and instead of sitting at the espresso bar, i snuck into concierge (whose stock room is connected to ours. once i was in the stock room it was kinderspiel. took forearm, admired it, stuck it in tote bag, did some summersaults and dashing-abouts, then out.

work work work. hatred.

07.28.01 a friend told me (in all seriousness) that if he was a girl, he'd probably be a lesbian because he knows how gross guys are. i'm really quite glad that i know this person. even if he is a guy and he is probably gross as well. i mean, how many guys i know would say something like that so matter of factly?

07.29.01
a few days ago, i was on the train ride back home from the city. arrived in newark and as people were getting off i heard, "where do i go? can someone help me? please tell me where i should go." it was an old blind man and people were staring at him as they squeezed past him in the aisle. i was walking off as well, but i kept hearing his voice. i went back and he took my arm with a death grip. as we were walking to an elevator we introduced ourselves. asked me what school i went to. i was surprised that he assumed i was in college. he said he could tell from my voice. he even knew the psu mascot. i asked him where he lived. newark, and he'd take the bus home. i guess he relies on people to let him know if the bus is coming or to lead him to an elevator and such. i had an odd range of emotions as we walked together. will elaborate laterr.

paul told me today that alcohol "makes holes" in one's brain. i bet it does.
life goals: be faithful to God. somehow manage to make parents supremely happy. care about people that i could really care less about. study something i want to study. find a job i would truly enjoy. cut down on leather goods such as handbags and shoes. go to africa.

when i look tired, i must look really bad. jen looked at me in mild shock today. usually when we have a few drinks together, she does this,"noooooo, you can't leave yet!!! lin why are you so mean to me!?" today she just told me to go home.

i've decided to edit my journal. i know that's cheating but i don't feel like seeing old entries about previous relationship. 1. because they are extremely trottely. 2. i'd like to forget things that had to do with ex-person.
on second thought never mind. some entries are kind of amusing. and if i took out sentences here and there, it wouldn't make sense. i'm sure i'll come to a point when i'll look back on all this and find it pretty funny.

jen was chasing her dog around the backyard tonight. jen would get down on all fours and growl. she'd approach the dog slowly, then leap for it with slightly less grace than that of a feline pounce. then digit would go all nuts and scamper away, making high pitched noises. sometimes digit let guards down and jen would sneak up on her. it kind of reminded me of those animal kingdom documentaries. all it needed was a deep, well modulated voice of a british man.
by the way, earlier tonight digit pranced smack into a door with her head.

07.30.01
alright. the friend who said he'd be a lesbian if he was a woman is JOE. he complained that i always write about him in third person. from now on JOE will *always* be mentioned by name and not by "a friend of mine".

jen and i finally dared to venture outside of her backyard. we went to jersey city to hang out with joe who flaked on us. but that is okay because in college his nose was very greasy. his nose was so greasy that one day, while walking down the street, a gnat landed on it, drowned in the oil, and died. so we had dinner with byun in hoboken instead. byun's roommate is pretty good looking for a white guy. also took jen to baden for her first time. she was quite amazed at the koreaness of fortlee. jen's next adventure: kareoke.

i really hate going down to rutgers alone.

07.31.01
the soc. department called me today to *inform* me that i can't graduate fall semester. there are two classes that i have been registered for for *months* but am not allowed to take simultaneously because one must preceed the other. they said there is pretty much no way for me to take both classes together. furthermore, it would be a "longshot" for me to take the class here in jersey. what i would like to know is why my advisor did not know this. i knew people who were in similar situations so i checked with my advisor to make sure i wouldn't get screwed over a few months before graduation. how could this happen to me? so they're telling me i need to stay for spring semester and complete this one class. i don't know what to do. i am not going to pay out of state tuition for one class. i absolutely refuse to live in state college for more than a semester. right now, i just want to abandon school and do something else. i feel so incredibly screwed over.

everything is messy. post college plans, finances, trip with jen, my room is a dump. i need to get it together. things happen for a reason. maybe things have been too easy for me in the past and i need to struggle in some way. maybe this is God's way of opening a door for me. if i make the best out of this crappy situation, i'll come through with something great or some sort of fabulous realization about myself or SOMETHING for crying out loud because i am experiencing moments of borderline panic attack as i feel that this has pushed me off the curb and everyone else seems to be walking on the sidewalk just fine. can i get back on please?

teri from work, an ex-flight attendant has been trying to convince me to look into flight attending. maybe i'll take a couple of years off and travel. i can be like the flight attendant in chunking express. could i look that good demonstrating saftey instructions in a black skirt and bra?

a rock feels no pain. and an island never cries. doo doo. do do do do do do do. doo. doo doo.
-simon and garfunkel

Too much - Jen Oslislo (Westfield, NJ @ 2001-07-30 12:32:00) "this has got to stop. it is 12:30 pm est and i am still drunk. i just smoked a cigarette outside and the world spun around like i was on the bullet at the winfield carnival. i just sat there, saying "oh ma gohhhd" over and over. "
it is pretty much the same in the evenings, execpt i am there in the backyard as well.

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