journal
10.02.01
i think i might have to start a dream-log.
i might go to a drag show this weekend. i'm kind of scared.
the thing is, yoga is just really odd. first of all, i am convinced that yoga is kamasutra in disguise. secondly, doing yoga sounds strange because we're supposed to "breathe in" to the tension in the muscle. one breathing technique requires taking a deep breath and releasing it slowly with lips puckered into a small 'o'. those breathing exercises don't feel good at all. maybe i'm breathing wrong or something. i dunno... but when my pelvic joints feel like they're going to snap out of their sockets, can i stop bending over? or as our instructor would say, "pour out the water from the jug of your womb".
i don't like how the smell of garlic lingers on my fingertips for days and days after i've cooked. it would be evil to rub garlic on someone in their sleep.
i was walking home from the shoe store today and ran into sue who immediately linked arms with me and literally carried me to cafe 210. there i drank half a lager and got all buzzed. this is what i've concluded:
1) i am allergic to beer and most other alcoholic beverages with the exception of red wine.
2) i don't like drinking during the day. it is not very enjoyable. this might have something to do with the embarassment of turning red in daylight.
my ex keeps im-ing me. i don't know what he wants. it can't possibly be friendship. because that could never happen.
i missed my appt. for therapy last friday. should have gone. should have gone. i didn't go because i didn't want to get disappointed. two years ago i was in therapy and i felt that i came away with little from it. so i don't want to go and spill my guts out to someone and not feel better. i don't expect some kind of life-changing, breakthrough realization about myself. i don't know what i want.
10.07.01
i was a bit reluctant to go out last night. after dinner at home i was feeling full, a little lazy, in the mood to watch korean dramas. then i got a threatneing call from jen. made a few feeble attempts to skip out, but when she calmly said, "lin, you are making me so angry", i quickly aquiesced and hopped on the next train to manhattan.
i met jen's blond cousins from florida, julie and holly, scott (way too uptight for a manchester), julie's latino boyfriend angel, and lisa: not related to the manchesters but just as kooky. jen's parents were there as well and they brought along the feldmans: very next-door-neighborish, nice jewish family, not too eccentric. hmm. what a random bunch of people. i wonder if we looked weird all clustered together, walking down mott st. in chinatown. i bet people thought it was a family outing, parents and kids and the one asian friend who is chinese? knows chinatown? is adopted?
we went to two bars the first of which featured 'tango night'. some tables were cleared away for a dance floor and patrons were tango-ing away. julie mentioned several times that tango music is ridiculous and wondered who the hell would listen to tango music. i half-heartedly admitted to doing such things. after some delays at the second bar, in and out of taxis, etc., the parents and scott went home and we headed over to a club called the roxy. it's a gay club on the lower west side, kind of seedy, not too big, and pretty freakin gay. there were these muscle bound dancers with jock straps on or a towel-skirt held together by velcro, dancing on the bar. *every* guy was shirtless, except the fabulous dragqueen who emerged in sequined evening gown later in the night to sing a very soulful rendition of a patriotic song- which one, i can't remember because by that point i was rather pissed. we danced and no nasty guy came up to grind from behind. we also met a philippino guy who refered to himself as 'sticky rice'. sticky rice is the first gay asian guy i've met in my entire life.
after roxy we headed back to the hotel, which just *happened* to be sandwiched between kum gang san and kamiok in the heart of korea town. jen, holly, and i were in one cab and as soon as we got back we abandoned the others without a second thought and made our way to baden. had some lemon soju and the conversation revolved around holly giving out some wholesome advice, me shaking my head in denial, and jen shaking her head up and down in agreement with both of us. we ended the night by going to a kareoke room, singing half a song, then walking out. got to the hotel, thought i was going to die, then fell asleep.
this morning i woke up in a closet with my legs sticking out of its doorway. got home around noon with massive hangover.
jen's dad jim is pretty sarcastic. her mom shirley on the other hand is a pretty serious woman; even after a few drinks. for example, tonight jim jokingly said he wanted the full-length, commemorative edition of the musical 'cats' on dvd (commercial happened to be on tv). shirl looked at him with uncertainty as she asked, "yeah right. you don't really want that, do you? you're just pretending..." shirley's absolute non-response to sarcasm leads jen to wonder how they ever got married in the first place.
10.08.01
i'm not so sure how this works. at first he didn't tell me, although he *wanted* to, because he "didn't know how to". two months later he profusely apologized and wanted to know how i felt about it. now, another two months later, he wants to know if what he did was really *that* bad and couldn't we be on better terms than we are now. i think two month intervals are a really big thing for him.
went to chinatown to have dinner with a few friends tonight. we ate at this place called 'yummy noodle'. there was a thin film of grease on the surface of my hot tea but emi assured me that it was okay since we were going to be eating grease anyway. we wiped our plates and bowls with napkins and it was mentioned that sarah actually wets the napkin with tea before using it to wipe. kitty then added, "in more ghetto place people just pour some tea into the bowl, moooove it around then woosh" (pour it out anywhere).
when the path train doors were about to close, a guy ran in and stood between the doors, holding it open for his family. after they entered, a few more people squeezed in, then a couple more, and finally when the doors were more than half way shut, a short asian woman pushed her hands through in an attempt to get in. the funny part was that she showed no resistance to the closing doors. her face showed no signs of struggle or panic although she was partially wedged between the sliding doors of a path train. i don't think she was even *trying* to open the doors. just kind of standing there until someone let her in.
going back to school tomorrow. oooooooooh, noooooooooo!
u b quiet.
10.10.01
did write three long entries last night but computer was in a funk so couldn't save them. v.upsetting.
yesterday morning dave, joyce and i were all ready to leave and the car wouldn't start. we found this very strange since dave had moved the car from the parking lot to the street less than ten minutes before. we sat there for about half an hour trying to start the car before we headed out in search of a gas station. eventually we went into city hall (we were in jersey city), asked for a phone book and got a number for a repair shop. they said sending a tow truck would cost $49. when we finally saw it coming down the street, dave made one final attempt to start the engine, while muttering, "come on, start before it gets here..." tow truck came, repairman came. he popped the hood and told us immediately that the battery was out. we felt kind of dumb. the guy charged $35 and told us not to turn the engine off for at least 30 mins. later dave mused: "i wonder if that guy kept the money for himself. he could simply have told his boss that he couldn't find us."
joyce and i nodded in agreement.
"and maybe that's why he told us to keep driving for 30mins. cause he's afraid that we might go back to the repair shop."
joyce and i disagreed.
i was completely confused today. vivian told me, while i was half asleep, that today would follow monday's schedule of classes. how were we supposed to know that? i mean, this school is huge. i'm sure a good number of students went right ahead to their weds. classes. jeez.
could i live in another country for a couple of years? i am seriously considering it. does anyone want to come with me?
10.11.01
i make a birthday list each year, just to make things a little easier for friends and family. actually, the latter of the bunch discontinued traditional gift-giving practices years ago, so really the list is just for friends then.
earlier this year i entertained the idea of scoring some fabulous gifts from my
recently graduated, working-in-the-real-world friends. but as we all know the
job market has taken a nosedive straight to hell, leaving most of you with:
a) most undesireable job possible
b) crummy pay
c) perpetual fear of abandonment by job
d) job with elusive start date
e) no job to speak of
so i'm saying that a letter/card would be nice. bake me a cake with two inches
of frosting on it. give me a hug and tell me that one day i'll get married to a guy who will make me laugh really hard. calorie-burning hard. but for those who won't be able to live another day in peace unless you get me *something*, fine, i've got a list for you. muhaha.
lin's b-day list: (randomly listed)
-redken shampoo and conditioner (they have them at drug fair)
-bottle of hair dye (dark brown)
-daily planner (not bulky and not ugly. i need this pretty bad)
-bottle of red wine
-wine glasses
-eye makeup remover (must be able to dissolve waterproof mascara)
-q-tips
-a good black ink pen that won't blotch
-any kind of book
-roll of avantix film
-body scrubber (not something mushy and loofa-ish but not all abrasive like the korean peel-your-skin scrubbers either)
-japanese green tea
-half pound of ground coffee
-a jazz cd of women singers (emi-san, do you have my old one?)
-and finally... an accordian. as you know, i've wanted one for years. eventually i'll have one, whether you get it for me or not.
most of you know how i feel about wb11's felicity. yesterday was the season premier and it was so so so good. but i wasn't crazy about her and noel hooking up. that is flat out cheating. furthermore, it's too early in the season for that. somehow, vi was a bit more sympathetic to felicity's unfaithfulness. "because ben, he neglect her when she need him you know?"
yeah but still. ben is also far better looking than noel, although the new haircut does make his head look real meaty.
japanese attatch "chan" after girls' names. literally it means "child" but it's really a term of endearment. anyway, last year i had a japanese instructor (who was actually chinese) and his name was chi kin chan. haha.
10.15.01
jen's message on my voice mail: "hi. just wondering if you have anthrax. bye."
apparently two people in state college tested positive. that's pretty scary.
jen says my mom will eventually tell me not to go to classes or leave my apt at all.
i called my mom from the bathroom yesterday (was multitasking b/c i was in a rush.) she told me to stay away from shopping malls and other crowded areas. after the anthrax precautions, she asked me if i was praying for a husband. no i've never prayed for a husband before. she sounded exasperated as she told me how important that was. i flushed and she raised her voice and made sure i could hear, "pray that god will provide you with a nice christian namja!"
the two guys sitting across from me right now, they're not good looking but they're speaking french. that has made all the difference. french is so ridiculous but at the same time... so beguiling.
ah neeeed a job.
i just want to say that that the retreat was v.good. that is all.
i'm going to cut down on caffeine. classmate's girlfriend was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 20 because she drank too much cola.
10.18.01
i'm a little fed up with myself right now. i overslept and didn't make it to morning prayer, i don't think i did too well on the exam, i skipped classes, forgot to sign the attandance sheet for a class, flaked out on a lunch date with friend and her bf, and all this not-doing-stuff-that-i-*could*-have-done is making me feel really crappy. i have so much work due tomorrow and now roommate wants me to come home and help her cook dinner for her boyfriend.
why do girls get so catty?
sarah the nomad left today for pitts. in the past month she's gone from jersey city to l.a., then j.c. to psu, psu to pitts, and she'll be returning next week to school before making her way back to j.c. and she hates to travel.
felicity, i'm really disappointed in her. she can't have both ben and noel. that show is driving me nuts.
i'm going home next week. it's going to be my birthday.
if she's not the one, then there's someone *so* much better out there. and that kind of moral support is so cliche and not very helpful whatsoever, but i'm ghey like that.
sophomore year we pretended that we couldn't stand all the drama, but i think deep inside we loved every minute of it.
10.21.01
i hiked mt.nittany yesterday. strange that only my butt muscles hurt. jamie told me that my butt is getting 'better' because its getting bigger. :(
apt parties are different now. they seem to be alot more sexual. last night reminded me of that britney spears video.
'i'm a slave for you' was playing while we ate dinner at big bowl today. britney claimed that the song is about music. that is exactly why she is being licked by a guy in the music video.
10.22.01
a freshman came over for dinner today. i asked her how she liked school, etc. she's an 82. everything about her seemed so young. when she heard that my birthday was coming up, she asked me how old i'd be. i said, "nineteen" in a sweet girly voice.
jen and i were catching the path back to jersey one night, and in the subway tunnel, we passed two rather obese women lugging a ridiculous number of babies. baby (car) seats with babies in them hung from their arms as they each pushed a stroller with i don't know how many more children in it. jen and i tried to supress our laughter and walked on. a few minutes after jen and i boarded, we saw the two women scrambling into the train with all their babies and baby transport contraptions. they plopped into seats looking absolutely exhausted. by that point jen and i couldn't stop laughing. i wondered how they passed through the ticket turnstyles.
we had a lecture in yoga class about stress management. our instructor said that when she was younger, she vomited before or during every exam. for her sat's she had to be escorted to the bathroom by an exam monitor incase she had answers hidden in the bathroom, although i don't see how one could really *cheat* on the sat's. she eventually went to a shrink for help. as part of therapy she had to make two recordings, one to listen to when she studied for an exam, and the other one for when she wasn't prepared. so it was, "mary ellen, you are prepared for this. you are going to go in there and do extremely well, etc" and "mary ellen, there is nothing you can do now. you are not prepared and you will never let this happen again". then one day she lost the tape she needed and started freaking out. she went to the exam anyway, extremely nervous, until she began to hear her recorded voice in her head. this was a great comfort to her.
never to eat before going to bed. that is like taking handfulls of fat and slapping it onto my hips, then *willing* it to hold on no matter what.
hello? bridget jones, wonton sex-goddess...
10.25.01
i was surprised with cake and candles twice last night. emi also called to wish me happy birthday. but yesterday wasn't my birthday.
twenty-three, that's me!