journal
05.01.02
may! i'm going to embrace the month of may and spring and the nature budding by going horseback riding this afternoon. maybe i'll be all good at it and the people who work there, who've been riding all their lives will say, "yup she's a natural. it don't matter if she's never been on a horse before cause i can see it's in her blood."
if i got really really fat, would my earlobes also get fat? and my lips?
05.03.02
my butt is bigger than it was last summer. and i've been making some serious efforts to lose weight and still keep the butt. lots of squats and kick-boxing workouts. it seems though that no amount of exercise can make it rise two inches. firmer but no lift. it's not easy. to be. me.
want to go out for a beer. but have no money. but is weekend and should go out *sometimes* on weekends as am young 20's and in the prime of life. but also have no job. and also have no one to go with. and also hate turning red. my red face with the hair spiking out to the sides is v.unattractive. look like exaggerated person *on fire* from tabasco commercial.
who will marry me? i can't even imagine what kind of man would ask me to marry him. would he call me lin or linda? i hope he doesn't take me out to dinner and do the one knee thing. and i hope he doesn't have chest/back hair. or backfat.
05.05.02 sunday underpants
i have these days of the week underpants (or panties if you prefer) and i'm pretty serious about wearing them on the corresponding days. because what is the point of having underpants with days specified on them if you're not even going to wear them on the right days? also there is a correlation between wearing the wrong day and having a bad day. it might not be a strong
correlation but if i recorded the results overtime and generated a graph, i am sure there would be an upward slope, a positive linear correlation between the two variables. yes. so with that said, i will recount my day, a sunday that began with wednesday underpants.
there was nothing to wear to church. i didn't bring much stuff home and the only pair of pants i had were these white slacks that i purchased with great joy last summer, but now give me v.little joy as i've become fatter and they fit snugger around the more butt. fortunately my days of the week underpants don't show panty lines. but i had left sunday in my apartment at school. why why? my only other option was wednesday because wednesday and sunday are white and the other pairs are all colored- lime green, turquoise, not very suitable with white pants. the only thing worse than visible panty lines is a visible panty. but i don't like thongs. they are bad bad things; possibly comfortable for people who have a slight gap between their butt cheeks.
went to church. the english ministry at church has always been pretty small, as far as i remember at least, but today was such a sparse turnout. maybe less than twenty people? and most were crowding in the back seats so the chairs in the front looked especially empty. everything seemed tapped out. even the clapping during praise sounded dry. joe says it's "game over man. game
over." but who knows? God has plans. plans that joe can't fathom.
near the end of service, prayer requests were made and the pastor said something about the returning college students or returning people who were gone or something like that and he began naming people. then all of a sudden he stopped. he was looking straight at me, then closed his eyes in an attempt to remember my name, then opened them again, and moved on to other requests. it was pretty amusing. i should have mouthed 'leeendaaah' or made an L with my finger and thumb to help him out. after service he rushed over to apologize and apologize and give me an awkward, sideways embrace that i responded to by smiling, shaking my head side to side, and saying, "no, no, no" as in "no, don't worry about it. release me." it really wasn't a big deal that he couldn't remember my name but he seemed to feel so badly about it that i began feeling bad for him. we were trapped in this vicious dance of "i'm sorry" and "it's okay" for a v. long minute.
i mingled for a bit and wondered if the guy who i was dating, not dating, or in between dating last year (had v.erratic relationship status) would make eye contact and say hi to me. one would think that avoiding a person in a room of five people would be difficult but he managed pretty well.
my parents had bible study afterwards so i stuck around till 2, chatting with
grace, bride to be, tasteful rock on finger, marrying a pastor, how did pastor afford tasteful rock? is okay, not my business, happy for them. everyone is getting married this year. i'm going to d's wedding but have no date now, since sarah backed out to go to pittsburgh with paul her boyfriend (not to be confused with paul her brother or paul my brother).
after church we went to see my grandparents. they made me eat all these miscellaneous foods- rice cakes, grapefruit, wafers, cream puffs, and a ham sandwich. then they had me try all of their massage therapy machines. first was the foot massage, a machine that has little pointed knobs that push out against your feet for half an hour. painful. feet feel better only because pain makes them numb. next i went on a back massager, a full body length machine that you lay down on while heated jade rollers move up and down on either sides of your spine. extremely painful. do not recommend for people who do not have a thick cushion of fat on their backsides. then my grandfather insisted that i try laying down in their jade bed. the bed has an enormous slab of sand colored rock under an inch of sponge mattress. it kind of resembles the slices of smooth marble like rocks you see in the rocks and minerals collection at the museum of natural history. so the rock mattress can be temperature controlled and my grandparents have it on nice and hot. i felt like i was on a skillet.
when we got home, i showed mom some of my artwork and she said, "it's good". so i asked her if i could go to art school and she told me to get a job. so much for that. well, it's not that my parents are opposed to the idea- they just won't finance it which means i'll have to pay my way through, and what are the chances that i will ever have that much money?
joe called and wanted to hang out so i decided to go to pal park for dinner. then my mom told me to just stay home and made fried chicken. who can say no to fried chicken? so i ate dinner at home, then went out to dinner with joe and ben. had a quiet dinner and coffee with the two ahjushis. joe wants me to set him up with a friend of mine and i agreed to. really though, it's not as bad as it sounds. i mean, joe's all weird inside and at first i thought it would be a bad idea to introduce him to someone that i actually care about, you know? but the more i think about it, i feel like it just might work. besides, what can he possibly do to her from one meeting?
on my way home from pal park, i sang shakira's 'underneath his clothes' even after the song ended on the radio, from the middle of rt.22 all the way to westfield. got home early, and chatted with mom until almost 2am. so my day had nothing to do with wearing wednesday underpants. but still. what if? what if i wore the right underpants? what if felicity chose noel instead of ben? why does joe always say "ben" when i ask him who he would introduce me to if i ever asked? is he kidding? is that what happened at dinner tonight? i need to sleep now. baibai.
05.07.02
went out for drinks with emi and jen last night. then went to jen's for glass of wine and watched 'breakfast at tiffany's'. i hate that kiss at the end of the film because audrey hepburn has her mouth wide open and it's all strange and unclear whether she's going in for a kiss or a bite.
anyway as result of hangover, couldn't go to get hair cut with mom and aunt this morning. ugh, who goes to get their hair done at 8:30am anyway? ahhh. i bet they're going to eat something yummy for lunch.
i saw a commercial for paxil and now i think my dad has clinical anxiety disorder. "do you find yourself feeling anxious all the time? are you excessively paranoid and worried? do you sit straight up in bed at the slightest sound and yell out, 'who is that!', waking your wife and children at all hours of the night?"
jen is depressed and she's going to be on meds. and this leads me to wonder what happens to clinically depressed people in sudan or mongolia. or are people in mongolia ever depressed at all. mabies if jen lived in the mountains with a caring grandfather and slept in a bed of hay and drank warm goat's milk every morning maybe she wouldn't be depressed. during the day she'll mainly skip and pick wild flowers, and sometimes she'll ride down the mountain in a bob sled and visit a blind old lady friend. she'll be all fresh and rosy and make people feel invigorated with her wholesome, barefoot energy. if jen was heidi, she wouldn't be depressed.
mall rats
emi and i went shopping for five hours today and didn't buy anything. i just don't have money to spend these days and emi couldn't find anything she liked. we went to macy's and tried on gaudy prom dresses and danced in front of a 3-view mirror in the spacious dressing room, the one they have for handicapped people. then we went to nordstrom and did the same thing. heehee.
05.09.02 home
it's really boring. but the food is good.
i can eat alot of beef. last night i polished off a 1.1lb steak. to think i used to be a vegetarian. even if it was only for a couple of months.
because parents hurt their children
one of the good things about being an adult is being able to deal with my parents fighting. they don't very often nowdays, but if they did, i would understand. still, understanding doesn�t make it any less painful. the other night my mother and i were talking for a while and the topic of her relationship with dad came up. i mentioned how often they used to fight. then she said, �well you know, our fights were not so bad. some parents get violent. at least it was never that bad with us.�
gahhh! what is that supposed to mean?
�well jeez mom, you guys are our only parents. it�s not like we had a violent pair to compare you with.�
she agreed with me. i know she felt really sorry then, but there was no apology.
my parents might not have been violent, but should i be relieved that they were only resentful and cold to each other through words? there was nothing i hated more than their fights. it made my brother cry and made me nervous. i'd sit in my room and press my ear against the wall to hear them. i'd listen so that if one decided to leave, i could run in and somehow prevent it. i was so afraid one of them would leave us.
to this day, when i hear them arguing about something, i get a sick nervous feeling. but instead of getting scared i get tired and irritated. and instead of listening in, i close their bedroom door for them and watch some tv.
05.11.02 we are fam-il-y
mary (cousin) and i went to columbia last night to visit sarah (cousin, sister of mary) for some dinner and some 'getting together with family' time. i made dinner for us so we ate, chatted, and drank a bottle of wine. what happened afterwards:
mochi ice cream: 4, apt party: 1, alcohol units: 5ish, salted peanuts: half a bag?, attractive people: 0, a dance with unattractive person: 1
was planning to skip out on sarah's friend's party and just go home as am 23 and no longer wanting any part of cheap beer, dingy apt, drunk 19yr olds type of party. however after the wine i was easily persuaded to 'check it out'.
the place was actually nice and they had a variety of drinks for their guests. but then i took a sip of the sangria and made a mental note: hangover inevitable. also the jello shots tasted like jellied vodka, the kind that's sold in big plastic jugs for $5.99. mary and i sat on a couch with our drinks and a bowl of salted peanuts while sarah mingled and checked back with us often, maintaining harmony between friends and family in the college party atmosphere.
mary, who is black inside and currently lusting after a certain black man in uniform, a taco bell uniform that is, complained that the music was too boring. she wanted to dance. she wanted hip-hop. fortunately, another suite down the hall was the "hip hop room". after finishing her drink, she made her way over there but came back a few minutes later complaining that they were playing the same white-people music in there as well.
this story is getting too long so i'll make it short. joe came out to the party in bowling shoes. sarah got so red that i could press my index finger on her skin and it would turn white for a second. mary and i couldn't stand the music and eventually dj'ed the party. people liked it. then a group of black guys took over and played rap for the rest of the evening. people didn't like it. alcohol consumption continued. (i danced with a guy twice my height because sarah who was dancing with me suddenly stopped dancing and sat down. split second later, a voice came from above and said, "i'll dance wit'chu". this is in parentheses because the dancing was ridiculous and i wish i could say, "really? i honestly don't rememer..") joe was mentally molested by an indian girl who told him perverted things about herself. we left shortly thereafter.
it was fun though. we woke up at noon, rolled around in bed for a good hour, finished off the mochi ice cream, then went out for real breakfast. and like i had predicted, the hangover was a big splitting headache.
05.15.02 jersey city, nj 4:29 am
at jane and sarah's (not to be confused with sarah kang, cousin) apartment. is cold! and also can't fall asleep. ugh. hmm. meeting emi at the sheraton after her shift which ends at 7am. we are going to campus together. it'll be fun. we'll eat wings and drink beer.
i remember one night last year when emi and i ordered wings at my place. after a beer each, i brought out the half bottle of tequila i had leftover from making margaritas the week before. don't even ask why i brought it out. no one voluntarily drinks shots of tequila. maybe we were both going through rough times. maybe we just thought it would be fun to toast to things and take shots together, then slam the glass down and suffer from the aftertaste. or maybe because i happened to have lemons and that's always good reason for binge drinking. anyway, i can't drink- we all know that. joe calls me the "two-shot wonder" a title that is *mostly* true. that night we had about five shots each and afterwards, i crawled into bed, layed on my side and stared at christmas lights strung along the room while emi, who showed zero signs of been-drinkingness, packed away left over food in the fridge, put dishes in the sink, cleared my table, said goodnight, and left. it is so like emi to be nice and helpful around the house after taking shots of hard liquor.
i'm hungry. i'll wake sarah to go get breakfast. she might growl at me. but then i'll growl back and she'll get scared. hmm. la dee dah. what to eat?
05.20.02 things that suck
-not having money
-not having heat in the apt and sleeping under pile of down comforter and sleeping bag
-people who are nice on the outside but mean on the inside
-not having money
-working out on machines
-people who twist words around in self defense when *clearly* in the wrong. ugh. these kinds of people really really suck. they go under category of "people i almost hate".
-sleeping too much
-eating too much
-when roommate forgets to remove residue of conditioner and hair that blocks bathtub drain and often resembles small hairy animal drowning in cottage cheese.
05.23.02 mark darcy... what are you doing here?
right before i woke up this morning i had a dream that my roommate was hiding mass quantities of polly-o string cheese in her closet. i became all paranoid because i felt that perhaps she was hiding the cheese from *me*.
then i noticed that my roommate was no longer hannah, but british actor colin firth, who i find hot and not hot at the same time.
he walked out of the shower, drying his dripping wet hair with *my* bath towel, the one emi bought for me in japan. this kind of pissed me off so i asked,
"does my towel smell like colin firth now?"
and then he was all like, "i beg your pardon?" in that polite, passive-agressive, sexy british accent sort of way.
again i asked, "does my towel smell like colin firth now?"
he then walked over to my bedroom door where i usually hang my towel on a hook, and closed it. there on the door was my bath towel. ugh, i felt so mortified. but how was i to know that colin firth would have the same japanese bath towel as i did?
goodbye felicity
i can't believe it's over. so depressed.
05.28.02 tomorrow, tomorrow, i'll do it tomorrow, it's only a daaaay aaaaaah awaaaaay~
ugh ugh ugh.
the milk in my fridge expires today. that means i have to go buy some more. but why? why buy milk when i don't drink it? what is the meaning of life?
i think dell charged me, oh i dunno, an extra thousand dollars for my laptop. my mom asked me maybe six months ago, "i thought your computer cost $1100." thats what i thought too. this means i should call them and get my money back. tomorrow i will do it.
i used to recite vivien leigh's monologues from gone with the wind. who else do i impersonate? here's a list:
ali mcgraw's "...i need time, which i cannot have" from love story
meryl streep's "ah, i am looking for... emile dickens.." from sophie's choice
vivian (vietnamese roommate from last year)
joanne woodward from the long hot summer
audrey hepburn's "i don't know who i am. i'm just like cat here. a no named slob" from breakfast at tiffany's
chinese opera
shakira
there's more. but i don't want you to think i'm weird.
05.31.02 it's a good thing
last night i invited nancy over for dinner. we had roasted chicken, pomme frites, and zuccini and squash medly. i made all of this of course with help from a martha stewart recipe that i found online. i even made gravy out of the pan drippings. what do you think about that?
but you know, martha stewart is evil. i watched this biography on her and she's all sort of violent and brawly. conan o'brian once said, "as annakin skywalker becomes darth vader; martha stewart becomes martha stewart."
next month, i will *actively* search for a job.
nancy gave me a sample packet of estee's sunless tanning cream. now my limbs are orange. also, i didn't apply evenly around my feet so the tops of my feet are tangerine tinted while the sides are white. kind of resembles seared tuna.
i accidently deleted one of the subdirectories from my geocities. ack. i'm so mad at myself. that was so stupid of me. i lost so many pictures. :(
i ate creamery ice cream today. no kudos to me.
main
people and places
journal
links
guestbook