journal

01.02.02
new years eve: jane, jen, joyce, sare, and lin hop on path and off path and into gusty manhattan, shaking angry fists at the freezing wind and walking toward, of all places to go to on new years eve, 32nd st (k-town).

for weeks, a certain joe ahn had been pestering me to attend a new years eve shebang that he himself was going to pull together. this of course seemed entirely unlikely because he is just joe and not joe, tasteful host, organized planner, popular toast of social circles, etc. after many a serious "no no i won't go" there i was, going because i am spineless jelly to passive aggressive behavior. "fine i'm not going to force you to come. happy new year. bye." i had to go.

as it turned out, joe found himself on the last day of the year with no plan. he had decided therefore, after having invited acquaintances all over the tristate area the week prior, to just forget about the whole thing and hang out at his friend's friend's friend's eve party. and it was at this party, held in a 32nd st korean bar zen-x, where we passed into the new year.

the bar was empty when we first walked in. we awkwardly sat down waiting for joe who was then at badenbaden (another korean bar upstairs) to come down and tell us what the hell was going on and why there was no party. we sat quietly at our table, giving eachother furtive looks as if to say, "lin, what is this?" "i don't know, ask joe." "lin, why have you brought us here?" "i don't know, ask joe." "lin, there is no one here. this sucks. do something." "i don't know. ah, there he is." he sat down. there was a been-drinkingness about him. spoke loudly as he pointed to the carafe of apple soju i had ordered, "what is this shit?" soon after, beers, half a bottle of jack daniels, and a ketel one martini had been ordered. soon after, jen, sarah, and joe were feeing the buzz. jane and joyce sat at one end of the table with a not-been-having-funness about them. i sat smiling and feeling nervous for some reason. maybe because the year was about to end and i, being the paranoid bird that i am, imagined things happening at the stroke of twelve.

during the last five minutes, i kept my eyes glued to my wristwatch only looking up to call out, "one minute left!". when the big hand hit twelve, i announced the new year regrettably loudly, got out of my seat and gave jen, who was sitting across from me, a dramatic war-time embrace. then heard joe say, "it's not time yet you freak. they'll announce it", but insisted that indeed it was time, felt peevish, and sat myself back down across from jen and laughed off my silliness while wondering why no one *told* me that new years would be announced in the empty bar, as all had clearly seen me eagerly counting down what i had believed were the last savory minutes of the entire year. so about seven minutes after my petit debacle, the new year was announced and so so perfectly, they played an abba song.

i have loved abba songs all my life.

once again rose and went around the table to embrace my dear friends who chose to remain in their chairs and made me bend down to hug them awkwardly, making me feel pretty ridiculous. maybies i just make a big deal about the end of the year but i don't know... the end of the year is a sentimental time. it is a time to hug. it is also a time to kiss (if you have someone special) and although i did not have anyone special, jen and joe did. i had just hugged joyce when i saw that just to my left, jen and joe were finding each other special. this was a bit shocking and naughty and most un-korean, and the rest of the table sat silently mouthing, "oh my..." as my two friends stood snogging each other into 2002.

a few more shots went down and sarah was bouncing in her chair, *dying* to dance. as the bar became more crowded, we were moved to the party upstairs, where we found a bottle of soju and some food. ate, drank, ate, drank. sarah was barely containing it. her pleas to go dance by the bar area went unheard. so instead, she decided to teach joe some basic dance moves. let it be known that joe must never dance again. he tried and tried but his body did not dance. it was all very heart breaking.

eventually all of us did get to dance downstairs where a few tables were cleared and an express dance floor was opened up for those who wanted to dance. however, was quite awkward as the 'dance floor' lay between the bar and the entrance, directly in the line of traffic of people entering and the waiters making trips from bar to tables. also, music kept skipping and stopping. so so lame. i wanted to leave.

but there was all this drama about who was to pay for the bill. the girl who was throwing the party (joe's friend's friend's friend) had left hours before, without paying for it. joe was somewhere in the bar. one of joe's friends told me very seriously that he might have to pick up the entire tab because people were beginning to leave the party without paying. this was completely ridiculous as joe had nothing to do with the girl who threw the party. however, it turns out that he made it his business and actually went around to collect money and negotiate with management. what a big cheese. eventually someone mysteriously payed for our table and we finally made it outside. but joe couldn't remember where he had parked the car. this did not bother him as much as the scarf he lost that night. after another hour of searching and walking around, we found the car parked a mere 2 blocks from 32nd. jane drove us all back to jersey city, we forced joe to sober up at the apt, ate ramen, and fell asleep. happy new year.

saw lord of the rings twice and now want to learn elvish. how cool would i be if i spoke elvish? jeez.

01.05.02 the night of the iguana
there's this bar/club but more of a bar kind of place called iguanas in midtown, a few blocks off times square. a favorite haunt of friends emi and sarah, mainly because there is always an open dance floor and never a cover charge. several weeks ago sarah met a guy there. she was a very silly girl that night and gave her numbers (yes more than one) to this random guy from queens. he's been calling since and is now in hot pursuit of our ms.cho.

now, the very ms.cho i speak of is absolutely thangatude and sass-factor #10, however she is also unexpectedly naive and gullible and a big dork. she told this guy that she was not interested but he clung on saying that all he really wanted was friendship. this somehow mad her feel that he could be trusted and agreed to meet up with him again, at iguanas. i think any other person would have at least *guessed* �ulterior motive�... well anyway, so she got me to accompany her (story of my life : third wheel) as she did not want to meet up with him alone. i was just not liking this guy at all, even before i met him and the fact that he is a plumber doesn�t have anything to do with it. really. his persistence was irritating. he met her once at a club, got her number, too bad she�s not interested, so the next thing to do is take no for an answer and leave her alone. i hate guys who don�t take no for an answer. i hate them with the heat of a thousand suns.

so we got to the club and he was okay looking, �okay� ranging anywhere from �could possibly look cute in the right light however lighting, according to d-yun can make really ugly people look hot so this is not saying much at all� to �he seems nice so i guess that shines through�. i suppose he is not my type but sare thought he was cute so what i think doesn�t matter anyway. turns out he's quite full and fond of his little self, as frequently made comments about how attractive he thought he was, how attractive other women thought he was, and how much money his company is making thanks to him as he is "a damn good plumber."

flirting began with no time to waste. the flipping of the hair, throwing back of head when laughing, the constant smiling, and it was body-language orgy shalala~ in our little corner where i stood sipping my corona while sarah and guy already did a shot of vodka for their first drink. we each had one more drink before heading out to the dance floor where sarah and jason danced for hours and i met some guy who introduced himself as ernst. "like ernst and young." he happened to be from munich so we spoke in german and i continued drinking until i was up to four or five (bad) and still yammering (auf deutsch) with ernst about the superficiality behind the american greeting, "how are you?" it is true. in germany, a "wie geht�s" will be met with "my mother injured her back last week and now i have a cold. also my neighbors moved away but left their cat behind. those japanese, such a cruel race."

it was pretty clear that the plumber wanted to be more than friends, especially after all that dancing at the club. he went back to queens and the two of us went to kamiok and ate sulungtang at 4am. there was some drama on the platform of the path station involving a man from senegal who wanted me to have his number, then asked me if he seemed poor because he had a bike and not a car. he was however less irritating than the stupid boots i was wearing. my feet were savagely butchered by the end of the night : (

this morning we all had hair appointments at this salon on fifth ave which turned out to be a complete disaster. but i�ll write about that tomorrow.

01.07.02 oh yeah?
someone told me that i'm not funny and that i don't have a good sense of humor.

01.10.02 sorry
i didn't mean to forget vivian's birthday. honestly thought it was the 9th and not the 4th. turns out that everyone called her on her birthday except me. she must be so disappointed- afterall, she did live with me for two school years. she did ask me to plan her bridal shower. i still haven't called her. after i realized that her birthday had passed, i just kind of put off the process of calling and apologizing.

also didn't call ina back. she had called twice, once around christmas time and once on new years day, probably to wish me a happy new year. i really can't flake on people this way.

dealing with problems
fact is, i don't really deal with problems in a constructive, healthy sort of way. i went to see a doctor yesterday because i got dizzy again. my chart had this long history of reoccuring dizzyness for the past five years. dr asked me why i hadn't gone to see a specialist. well, the dizzyness eventually goes away within a few days. so as soon as i feel better, it doesn't seem urgent anymore. she made me do a blood work and gave me a prescription for anti-vert. but i was feeling all frazzled after seeing the needle go under my skin that i forgot to pick up the medication. i've been on anti-vert before and it doesn't do much for me anyway. i'm probably anemic.

how to communicate more with dad? my brother actually brought this up recently and we thought about setting aside time just for dad. plan is to spend more time with him and *talk* to him, about anything as most conversations between dad and i focus mainly around timely greetings (i.e. "hi dad" and "bye dad"). paul stressed that we definitely should not bring mom along because she is too dominating. also it's pretty clear which side the children are on most of the time. mom just seems to make so much more sense.
dad is so bad at arguing with mom. she just smothers him with two sentences and all he can muster is a weak comeback, "fine then. you know everything and i know nothing." then he clams up and mom continues to jab all the right buttons. so paul and i have come to the staggering realization that we are his only children. we ought to have a happy, healthy, well-oiled relationship. i think we can. not expecting any drastic changes. please, just some improvement.

01.13.02
only one person i know would call me at 2:30am, liquored up and yammering about how damn liquored up he got. i also hear he is balding. a balding alcoholic will never get floos. and i repeat, a BALDING ALCOHOLIC will NEVER get FLOOS. this sucks bigtime because most of the floolessness will be a result of the hairlessness and not the alcoholism. and you can't really do much about getting back lost hairs, you know?

01.15.02 back in the saddle
currently using a daily planner to record all things i will do, am doing, have done, etc. i even jot down my expenses, although this isn't entirely useful as i can only remember a few things like, clean and clear astringent- $3.49, a very bad buy. makes my face feel like it is being scraped by razor blades.
becoming a little obsessive with planner. compulsively flipping through it to check up on every little detail of my life. it does keep me on top of things though. and who would ever have described me as being 'on top of things'?

tonight- buy art supplies (i'm taking a drawing class. was a bit intimidated by all the artsy-type, much pierced people in my class but turns out they're all looks and no talent).
tomorrow- meet ina for margarita madness. get ina a book as late christmas gift/peace offering (didn't return any of her calls during the holidays and was bad friend).
also have appt with therapist. by all means must not flake on therapist.
call the gallery. i am getting a job there (yay).
so i feel that i'm back in the saddle again, or not exactly *again* because i wasn't there before, but i wanted to say it anyway because it reminds me of roy rogers singing that song, "back in the saddle again". he sang it while perched on a horse, and it was jovial and twangy.

01.16.02 ex-boyfriends

collage by nancy lee and linda jun (1998)

my roommates and i dated these guys a long long time ago. one night the guys lost a game of jeopardy to us so we put make-up on their faces, clipped their hair in barettes, and took blackmail photos as our reward. nancy and i replaced their heads with celebrity faces as a stress relief activity during midterm week. we had a great time.

01.19.02
i am afraid to sleep.

01.20.02
dad's sick and in icu with plugs and tubes attatched to him. i know he's dying. it might be soon. he might get better. he lays in a small room and my mother visits him once a day because she's busy and because there's restricted visitation. mom wants to know if we can get him a little tv with a vcr attatched to it so he can watch korean dramas. i think we can. but who'll be there to change the videos?

01.21.02 too bad i'm not miss.thang
jane and sare both called me this morning to see how i'm doing. i am fine, thank you ladies.
i didn't want anyone to know but then i realized how trottely that would be. only people in dramas keep bad news to themselves and secretly enjoy suffering alone. i mean, friends have a right to know. the roommates however, don't need to know. i just really don't like the process of informing people.

01.23.02i am going to exercise
tomorrow. also tomorrow i will get my hair fixed.

after shearing his entire head and beard down to short stubs, richie tenenbaum looks at his reflection in the bathroom mirror and spreads a thick, white layer of shaving cream over his beard. he then whispers to himself, "i'm going to kill myself tomorrow". but he doesn't. he kills himself right then with a razor blade to the wrist. he doesn't die though. no one even finds his suicide note. he wants to die because margot (the only girl he's ever loved who also happens to be his sister, though adopted and therefore not incestuous) has secretly been around the world so it seems, on an unbridled sex romp. also she smokes. he can't have her anyway. she's his sister. may not be illegal but certainly is 'frowned' upon. in any case, if he can't have margot, he'd rather not live. margot loves richie too but she's not ready to die about it. i feel bad for richie. the tenenbaums should fix something for them. the word 'tomorrow' just reminded me of richie. that is all.

01.24.02kangol schmangol
emi sent me a kangol hat for christmas. it's not the one i wanted. it makes my head look big. so i'm sending it back. sorry. i don't even know why i ever liked them.

did get a hair cut today. well, i just had the lady put some layers in so it's still the same length. but now i wish i had cut it all off to chin length. the hairdresser told me not to do it unless i was really sure. she made me feel unsure about it. will not take hair advice from anyone who still has 80's hair. those people never change. what a waste of money. would it be wise have my mom cut it? probably not. but will do anyway.

i worked out today. wow. *and* lifted weights. i will have madonna arms. that way i can pry celine dion cds from wendy's fingers, then beat her up for even making an attempt to play them in my room.

01.27.02happy birthday emi everyone, emi is twenty-three today. *yay* *clap**clap* happy birthday to you...

01.30.02cult sensation

someone from my chinese cinema class signed my guestbook. when i see guestbook entries from people i don't know, i get a little nervous. it is dangerous to have this page linked to jen's. i think that's how most of the 'others' come through. jen says that i am on my way to cult sensation.

jen needs to update her journal. jen needs to email me. jen needs to get a cell phone of her own. jen is so mean to me.

01.31.02 tick-tock
i have never been so efficient in my entire life. first of all, i wake up *every* morning before 9am. i eat three meals a day. i even work out. hurrah, i am efficient and productive.

jane, i don't think your journal entries are boring.

so there's all this business with my roommate and the boys. she stays out all day and comes home btw 2-4am. who's feeding her? who is she hanging out with? the boys, oh the boys! i've never seen someone like boys so much. i found one half asleep on the couch this morning.

speaking of boys...
guy in art class is extremely attractive. today he asked me if i had brought my fix-spray with me. i hadn't, but i will most certainly bring it next week. also, he said "goodnight". he's tall. easy on the eyes. messy-hair style. not much of an artist. he's good looking though, so i guess that's ok. i'll refer to him as art-guy from now on.

my dad is home now and is not so hot but definitely better. i was so afraid that he would die without hearing what i had to say. like what my favorite book is and that i've dated before and that i wish i was a fashion designer instead of a college grad. and even though he hurt us so many times, it's okay because he's our father and we know that parents hurt their children. i can't remember if he's ever told us that he loves us but maybe paul and i can be brave and say it to him. it is more when it is said with our mouths. it is richer because it involves getting over the fear of all sorts of things. like cornyness.

for once in my life i'd like to be really fit. i want to have strong, muscular arms like madonna or carrie bradshaw. i've been lifting weights and doing push ups but my arms don't look more defined, they just look thicker. i think it means that if i keep eating pizza three times a week and lift weights regularly, i'll become husky.

three is the lonliest number
one is not. i like one. being alone is better than being the third wheel.

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