journal
02.04.02 the tropic of cantankerous
i don't want to do anything today. it's too cold.
jen i don't like that picture of frahnk. it's not botticelli enough. i want people to see how voluptuous he is. there's not much *squish* in that picture, know what i mean?
02.05.02 cold
at the supermarket today, i couldn't bend my fingers fast enough to pick out pennies from my change purse (yes, i am that annoying person) and the cashier started to get all impatient and tap-tapped her nails on the register keys but i took my time because first of all, there was nothing i could do about the frozen fingers situation and secondly, having exact change gives me good feelings.
i watched gods and monsters today. thought it was good. i felt all stirred up afterwards. not inspired-stirred. i guess depressed/disturbed-stirred.
brandon frasier has a wart-like formation on the side of his nose. did you know that? i never noticed it in his other movies. it was distracting. what would you do if you met a guy who is good looking, has nice arms, etc., but also has a wart-like formation on the side of his nose?
02.06.02
woody allen movies are good too. a few years ago i found a picture of him in the papers. i framed it, as a joke, and placed it on top of the tv in our apt. my roommates called me 'freak' but deep down inside they were afraid. like when a man is afraid of being under homo-suspicion. because woody allen movies are good and they knew it.
if i don't find a job, then i'm not going to buy those boots.
02.07.02
one day i'm going to own a pair of manolos.
my brother saw jen on the rutgers bus today. i just thought that was very amusing.
nutella on white bread can only sustain me for so long. but it is so good. so so good. nutella, i love you.
02.11.02 'the unbearable lightness of being'
i was supposed to meet ina for coffee this morning and i totally forgot! do not deviate from the daily planner! nothing can be done right without it!
the daily planner is a little heavy. it weighs me down with dates and appointments and obligations and pain in the ass reminders about bills and "one-on-ones" and group outings, etc. according to jen, i have a tendency to wedge myself into places where i have no business at all. i tell you now that it is the unbearable lightness. i need to stick to something, right? God is heavy. He holds me down, drops weights into the lightness of being. if not for God, what would matter to me? if not for moral obligations, values, heaven and hell, the narrow path , the right and wrong, i don't think i'd care. well, a person doesn't have to believe in God for heavyness. people find that maintaining relationships, having ambition, showing up for dentist's appointments, remembering to meet friends for coffee, and doing what they think is right is heavy enough. most things won't keep me grounded. if God wasn't there to tell me to obey the rules (of leaders, parents, general order of normal peoples), i'd flake my entire life. i would care for nothing in a deep and true sort of way, and that i imagine, would be unbearable. i'd probably kill myself by way of sex or drugs or nutella (well, probably not sex so drugs and nutella it is). or God would perhaps take me out himself.
what am i saying? i don't know. it sounds stupid. but these were the thoughts going through my head during service yesterday, immediately following the thought, "that pastor is a half-wit". all from that one title 'the unbearable lightness of being'.
i am completely insensitive. sometimes i feel bad about it. this past weekend, mark (he led my mission trip couple of yrs ago) "challenged" me to work for ccc and i said no. he urged me for an hour and the more he urged, the more i felt determined to stick to my decision. at one point during our meeting, i wanted to let him know a thing or two about a thing or two. but i didn't do that. i just said no and smiled apologetically.
02.12.02 wife wendy
who would have thought that wendy posessed a single maternal bone in her body? i recieved a package from her yesterday, containing several dozen cookies and some store bought candy. and the cookies are edible. actually, i will go as far as to say, they taste good.
02.13.02 jan is a b
jan you big b, update your travelogue. calm down, i removed joe from my links because he doesn't have a page anymore. also, i watched six feet under tonight. it was good i guess. sex in the city is still better tho.
02.14.02 i heart pizza
can you believe big left new york? he was so the mr.manhattan, so cary grant. i was secretly hoping that carrie would get back together with big. even though he went to europe and got engaged to someone else. even though he didn't tell carrie about the engagement until she met his fianc� at a party in the hamptons; the news that made carrie puke on the beach. he's mr.big. he's cary grant. i know deep down, he'll always love her. when carrie found his letter and the henry mancini record in the empty apartment, i almost cried. almost.
art guy and i are over. he didn't show for class tonight which means he was out with his girlfriend (or boyfriend- he's currently under homo-suspicion) on this fine and special occasion (valentine's day).
i on the other hand will be watching a woody allen flick and eating a salad for dinner instead of a no-date-on-valentine's-day-meal because that would consist of nothing less fattening than two to three slices of pizza, ranch dressing (to dip the crust in), and 12 champs wings and celery. the celery is negative calories actually, but not negative inner thighs, not negative lower belly, therefore not very helpful.
this time last year, my on again-off again was conveniently off on valentine's day. yup, he looped it. the year before that i had broken up with boyfriend two months before, and the year before that i had started dating someone right after v-day. so all my life i've never had a valentine. what am i talking about. none of them ever had money. so even if i was with someone, i'd have to take *him* out. then he'd say, "thanks lin." and give me a carnation. oh my goodness i do not enjoy carnations. it is not mother's day, i do not want pink, institutional, wimpy stemmed carnations.
so anyway, this not-yet-had-a-valentine sort of makes me a little pickier about who i'd want as my first valentine. i'm a valentine's day virgin so to speak. it's kind of like the way single women in their 30's with little to null dating experience are so nit-picky with men despite the fact that time's a tickin'. they just can't give in to any old joe, know what i mean? and the fact that i can now sympathize with single, 30yr old women is a bit unnerving.
happy valentine's day you guys!
02.17.02 koreans prefer
my dad drinks a small cup of coffee every morning. it's not drip or french pressed- it's just a tablespoon of folger's with dairy creamer and plenty of sugar. koreans just like that stuff. i guess that's the kind of coffee they used to drink in korea back in the day. back when only specialty 'american' stores sold spam and delmonte canned fruit. my mom used to go there to buy kraft singles because sometimes i would only eat rice with cheese. anyway, i had instant coffee at church today and it tasted bad. koreans seem to drink a lot of coffee. coffee in the morning, after a meal, before going to bed, when guests come over, kuhpee. kuhpee hanjan ha go gasehyo.
02.23.02 the games we play
we were a strange group of people on thursday night- some of us close friends, others we didn't know very well, but we all decided to meet up at a restaurant/bar for drinks and maybies some dancing at players afterwards, because anyone can be the best of friends after some drinky drinky.
after we payed our bill and were shifting around in our seats, waiting for someone to make the first move , jung (who was having drinks with her co-workers at another table) dashed over to say (in korean), "adam wants your number."
adam: jung's co-worker, frat boy, blond, average looks, from south jersey, we were introduced for 1 minute, 1 hour ago.
i nonchalantly told her to let him know that i was not single (oh, i am a sassy b) but she had already assured him that i was available. he wanted to talk to me and buy me a drink. well then.
so i met him up at the bar where he bought me a drink, then immediately asked if i would like to go out with him sometime. using a free drink as leverage. and a draft beer at that. worst of all, he had this extremely cocky attitude about him. i looked him square in the eyes and thought, 'what - a - jackass.'
"sure. if you want to hang out, you can call jung and she can call me."
"oh, i see what game you're playing."
he accused me of playing a game of 'hard to get' and told me that he could also play games because he was a sharp cookie, he was. he yammered on about how hard it would be to get with him while i quickly downed my beer and watched michelle kwan cry and blow kisses to the audience. i really did feel sad for her. a liquored up sort of sad, but a sad nonetheless.
said a quick 'thanks for the beer' and left for players where we danced and danced in our tight little circle of dancing asians.
the next day adam was informed that i was no longer available as i was suddenly working things out with an exboyfriend. personally, this korean would have preferred to tell his fratass a thing or two about a thing or two, but jung insists that deep down he's a good guy. whatevas.
went to watch 'a beautiful mind' today. it was okay. the acting was quite good. rusell crowe was quite fat. and i don't really like it when films show the characters getting progressively older while still using the same actors, but with face make up and wigs. then they just look freaky.
i asked hannah if she would find a math genius sexy and she said 'yes'. biceps or binomials? you tell me.
i'm going to eat my brownie and go to bed. tomorrow i'll wake up and find that my life has been fast forwarded five years. lying next to me is a small yorkshire terrier. i am in a modest soho loft, double size bed, wearing old pajamas that emi bought for me one christmas. there's a fire escape where i keep my potted plants and, (gasp) there is an ashtray. when did i start smoking again? or maybe jen was over last night. i get a call from w. no, harper's bazaar. no, vogue. they're offering me 5.00 per word! well, i admit that i do know shoes. oh my goodness, and my walk in closet is full of them. hell-oo choo.
another phone call. apparently, it's a saturday i'm having brunch with sarah cho. emi can't make it. her son has a nasty cold. jane's in hawaii visiting family. and jen- why she's passed out on my futon. i must make some coffee.
02.24.02 babies
i don't want an ugly baby. i've already made arrangements with emi. she agreed to give me one of her babies. but not if it looks like the dad. she can keep that one. i'm putting in an order for a little emi. because as far as babies go, they don't come cuter than a baby emi.
02.25.02 sunshine.. on my shoulder.. makes me happy...
my aunt likes john denver. i'm pretty sure my mother likes him too. but the question is, did he or did he not have a mullet?
i live in fear of the mullet. yet when i spot a mullet head, i can't tear my eyes away from it. it's like when i see roadkill.
i am just not in the mood. not for bible study, not for still life drawing, not for dream diary sharing, but maybe for a drink. today was kind of warm. a pennsylvania-warm, but warm nonetheless so we thank our lucky stars for that. yes indeedy.
the girl sitting to the left of me is now pouring the powdery bits of what remains at the bottom of her bag of 'smartfood' popcorn (which by the way is wrong on so many levels, level #1: smells like ass) in to the palm of her hand. she is licking the hand now. the hand is cupping the mouse now, pointing and clicking. she should also lick the mouse, there might be some saltiness there.
02.26.02
it's cold. and raining. and there is no more coffee in the apt.
i like the superman song.
for years emi and i have been planning to dress as a superhero duo for halloween. me as batman, emi as robin. when we first discussed this, she had no problem accepting her robin status but now *she* wants to be batman. i don't know what to say. she has never defied me like this.
jen is up and leaving again. well, only for a week... but this is poeks we're talking about here. she may decide that bangkok is more of a home to her than sweet new jersey ever was. maybe she'll settle down in a less touristy part of town, seedy and full of character. every morning she'll waddle down to a street vendor in a pair of woven bamboo leaf sandals for a breakfast of almond tofu. during the day she'll wander the bustling streets, taking photographs, smoking pall malls or lucky strikes, grabbing a cold beer, and not eating as the weather is way too hot to eat. after a day of walking about, maybe she'll cool down in her small room where there is a thin mattress on the floor and a mosquito tent pitched up around the sleeping area. she'll write postcards to us, only to say something like, "bangkok is sehr tropisch. next week i'm leaving for hongkong, home of faye wong whose hotness is more scorching than the heat of a thousand suns."
speaking of hotness, remember art guy? i was checking out his shoes today and i noticed that they were the same kind of swede slip-on clogs that my mother wears. but he's art guy. he's hot enough to wear mom-shoes and still have my respect. one thing that does turn me off about art guy is the fact that he is so incredibly bad at art. i can look past the shoes because later on when we date, i can throw them out. however, not much can be done about the lack of skills. oh also he has a ridiculous name. it rhymes with gigolo (think of that movie with rob schneider). yeah, that is also his last name.
sometimes i get paranoid. people i write about could somehow stumble across this page and hate me forever and ever, and ever ever? if you are one of those people, i'm sorry. but that's how i feel about you.
02.27.02
today is cold. yesterday was nothing compared to today. the wind feels like needles poking at your face. do you people know what that feels like? i bet some of you have never even heard the sounds of a *howling* wind.
still no coffee in the apt. i've been trying to cut down anyway because i recently invested a lump sum of money ($39.99 to be exact) in a box of crest whitening strips and i think coffee kind of negates the whitening action. i don't want the whitening agents to have any opposing forces, right? but if i keep drinking coffee everyday, then the agents will only have enough power to *block* the coffee from staining my teeth *more*, and nothing would be done about the actual whitening. these are the issues that keep me up at night.
i wonder why some people choose to leave 'private' entries in my guestbook. it would be one thing if they wanted to say something like, "you stupid b-tch..." most of them just say hi and tell me they think my site is 'nice'.
remember balky bartkamous's dance of joy? dai-dai-dai-dai, dai-dai-dai, dai-dai-dai, hey! (hey!) hey (hey!)... my brother and i used to do the dance of joy.
02.28.02 down and outs
when i feel bla, i listen to a jazz cd emi burned for me. hopefully she doesn't think that this is somehow a *replacement* for my other jazz cd (my favoritest one) that she borrowed last year, then later allowed sushi (her fobby japanese friend who is known to introduce himself as, "yes, my name is sushi. like the food!") borrow it from her. so i ask you, where is sushi? where the hell is sushi now?
when i'm really down and out, when i'm a rock, when i'm an iiiiisland, i like to think about will farrel in the snl skit, 'the scarlet letter'. that part when he comes busting out of the backdrop, with letters "a.s" (or was it b.s) across his chest, and shouting "oh thank gohhhhd!" - that part can get me through some tough times.
my goal for this week was to work out everyday. i kept it up from sunday to monday.
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