Jerry Springer: Shocking Family Secrets 

Warning: A few things in this fanfic might be 
offensive to a few people, so if you are easily 
offended, you probably shouldn't read this.  Also, 
some of the characters in this fanfic will act out of 
character.  And one more thing, We do not own DBZ or 
any of it's characters.  We also don't own the Jerry 
Springer show.  We are not making any profit 
whatsoever on this fanfic.....and neither is Jerry 
Springer.  If you have any comments about this fanfic, 
you can e-mail us (the authors) at either 
Cozette84@aol.com, marzcat36@yahoo.com, or 
stacy_1_99@yahoo.com We'd love to hear your comments. 

    *The show opens with the camera panning over the 
crowd.* 
    CROWD:  *clapping and chanting* "Jerry! Jerry! 
Jerry!" 
    JERRY:  "Hello, and welcome to today's show.  Today's 
topic is "Shocking Family Secrets..." 
    CROWD:  "Ooooo!" 
    JERRY:  "...And our first guest is Chi-Chi." 
    *A few people in the crowd snicker.* 
    JERRY: "So, Chi-Chi, what's going on?" 
    CHI-CHI: "Well, Jerry, it's like this.  My husband 
ain't never home!  He be ditchin' me all the time 
?cause he either dead or he has to go save the world 
or some dumb a*beep* sh*beep* like dat.  He too busy 
to take care of his own f*beep*in' kids, let alone 
satisfy my needs." 
    JERRY:  "So what is it that you have to tell him?" 
    CHI-CHI:  "Well, Jerry, it's like this.  Since he 
ain't been home so much, my needs ain't been 
satisfied, so I been cheatin' on him." 
    JERRY:  "Okay, well lets bring out your husband. 
Come on out, Goku." 
    *Goku enters and sits down, crowd cheers* 
    JERRY:  "So, Goku, do you have any idea why you're 
here?" 
    GOKU:  "Well I should hope its for a makeover." 
    JERRY: "Well, Chi-Chi, you tell him." 
    CHI-CHI: *Grabs Goku's hand* "Honey, you know I love 
you..." 
    GOKU: "Well I love you too, Honey." 
    CROWD: "Awwwwwwww" 
         GOKU: *Starting to get suspicious* "What?" 
    CHI-CHI: "Well, Baby, you haven't been home much, 
so....I've been cheatin' on you" 
    GOKU: *Yanks his hand away from Chi-Chi, and stands 
up in front of her*  "WHAT!?  How could you do this to 
me?!  After all we've been through...Who is it?!  Do I 
know him?  Who is it?!" 
    CHI-CHI: "You know him.  He's even killed you 
before." 
    GOKU: *Thinks for a second* "Well damn, Chi-Chi, that 
could be anybody!" 
    JERRY: "Well lets bring him out!" 
    *Piccolo enters, looking a bit confused.* 
    CROWD: "Boooooooooooo!" 
    SOME IDIOT IN THE BACK: "YEAAAAAAAAH!" 
    *Goku lunges across the stage with a chair* 
    *Steve tries to hold Goku back, but finds himself 
laying face-down on the stage* 
    CROWD: "STEVE! STEVE! STEVE! STEVE!.......Steve?" 
    SOME IDIOT IN THE FRONT: "Oh my God, they killed 
Steve!" 
    STEVE: *From the carpet* "I'm not dead yet..." 
    SOME IDIOT IN THE FRONT: "...Well, they mortally 
wounded Steve." 
    STEVE: "I'm getting better..." 
    *After many chairs are broken, and several audience 
members dead or severely wounded, miraculously, they 
some how manage to get Goku and Piccolo to sit on 
opposite sides of Chi-Chi.* 
    JERRY: "Oooookay, ummm, more after this!" 
    JERRY: *As camera pans out* "Could somebody call an 
ambulance?" 

>Cut to commercials< 
               
Commercial #1. Hair in a Can. 

    KRILLIN: "Hello everyone.  Are you tired of being 
bald?  Is your head so hairless and shiny that people 
often mistake it for a bowling ball?  I know mine is, 
so that's why I got...*Pulls out an aerosol spray can* 
Hair in a Can!  Go from completely bald to Disco King 
of the World in just seconds!  It's so easy that 
anyone could do it!  Watch!" 
    *Starts spraying contents of the spray can on his 
head.  Nothing appears to be happening* 
    KRILLIN: "Uh, you have to give it a minute to 
grow...." 
    *Screen goes black and sounds of a struggle are 
heard* 
    MUFFLED VOICES IN THE BACKGROUND: "Give me 
that!....No I can do it!...You're gonna' mess it 
up!...Just...Hey cut it out! *SLAP!*" 
    *Image comes back on the screen* 
    *Krillin now has a huge afro* 
    KRILLIN: "See?  It works like magic..." 
    *Afro starts to slide off of his head.  Krillin tries 
to put it back on* 
    KRILLIN: "...In no time flat!" 
    *Afro falls completely off of his head.  Krillin 
flashes a cheesy grin and slowly edges off the screen* 

>Back to the show< 

    JERRY: "Welcome back.  If you're just joining us, 
we're talking to people who have shocking family 
secrets that they want to reveal.  With us we have 
Chi-Chi, who just told her husband Goku that she has 
been cheating on him with Piccolo.  Piccolo..." 
    *Camera zooms in on Piccolo, who looks dazed.  His 
eye is twitching* 
    JERRY: "...Um, are you okay?" 
    PICCOLO: "I shouldn't be here." 
    JERRY: "Right, um, do you have anything to say about 
this?" 
    PICCOLO: "Ummm, I didn't know she was married?" 
    GOKU: "Dude!  You lying son of a *BEEEEEEEEP*! 
Didn't know she was married my a*beep*." 
    PICCOLO: *Searching his mind for something to say* 
Uh...Well first of all she came on to me, 
and...and...um....Well, if you were a real man, she 
wouldn't have to come to me for satisfaction!  Yeah, 
that's it." 
    GOKU: "Bitch!  I ought to smack you upside your fat 
head!" 
    PICCOLO: "?Fat head'?  Is that the best insult you 
could think of?" 
    GOKU: "Why don't you come over here and see the best 
insult I can think of!" 
    PICCOLO: *Starts to get up* "Bring it on, Hoe!" 
    JERRY: *Steps in between them* "Calm down, guys, we 
have to move on, but before we do I have something to 
ask Chi-Chi. *turns to Chi-Chi.* Chi-Chi, how could 
you do this to your husband of many years and your two 
children?" 
    CHI-CHI: "Well, it's like Piccolo said.  If he was a 
real man, I wouldn't have to go to Piccolo for sweet 
lovin'.  Besides, I think the kids like Piccolo 
better." 
    GOHAN: *From out in the audience* "Hi dad!  Hi Mr. 
Piccolo!" 
    GOKU: *Slaps his forehead and sighs with disgust* 
"You brought the damn kids!?  How f*beep*ing 
humiliating!" 
    JERRY: "Well, I guess we have to go to break, again, 
but after that, we'll bring out our next guest." 

>Cut to commercials< 

Commercial #2 Razor in a Can. 

    *Scene opens with a woman shaving her legs with an 
"ordinary" razor.* 
    BULMA: *voice over* Are you tired of those unsightly 
nicks and cuts that come from shaving with an ordinary 
razor?" 
    WOMAN ON THE SCREEN: "Ow" *Cuts her foot off with the 
razor* 
    *Scene cuts to Bulma* 
    BULMA: "Then we have just the product for you..." 
*Pulls out an aerosol spray can* "Razor in a can!" 
    *in the background, the footless woman can be seen 
dragging herself off the set* 
    BULMA: "You just spray it on and it dissolves hair in 
seconds!" 
    *Sprays contents on her legs and all the hair (which 
wasn't there to begin with) dissolves.* 
    BULMA: "You can also use it to get rid of that 
unsightly facial hair...." 
    *Cuts to scene of a woman spraying it on her face. 
All of her facial features melt off.* 
    *Cuts back to Bulma* 
    BULMA: "You can even use it on that hard to shave 
bikini area, see...?" 
    *Bulma gets ready to pull up her skirt* 
    *Vegeta rushes on the set* 
    VEGETA: "What the hell are you doing!?" 
    BULMA: "I'm doing a commercial, do you mind?" 
    VEGETA: "Well it looks like porn to me!" 
    MAN BEHIND THE CAMERA: "Um, we're still on..." 
    VEGETA: "Shut the hell up!" 
    *Vegeta's fist is seen hitting the camera, the screen 
goes dark.*   

>Back to the show< 

    *Camera pans over the stage.  There is now a wedding 
cake and an arch set up* 
    JERRY: "Welcome back, joining us now is our second 
guest, Vegeta.  Vegeta, do you have any idea why you 
are here?" 
    VEGETA: "It better not be to find out that my wife is 
cheating on me with Kakarrotto." 
    JERRY: "Well, lets find out.  Here's your wife!" 
    *Vegeta starts to get up.* 
    JERRY: "No, I'm just kidding.  Here's your son, 
Trunks!" 
    *Trunks comes out in a wedding dress and stands in 
front of Vegeta.* 
    *Vegeta's jaw drops, and Goku has fallen to the floor 
in a fit of laughter.* 
    TRUNKS: "Dad, I'm gay, and you can't stop me from 
marrying my lover!" 
    JERRY: "Well lets meet your lover...." 
    *Goku is still rolling on the floor laughing* 
    JERRY: "....Goten!" 
    GOKU: *stops laughing* "What the hell!?" 
    *Piccolo is sitting next to tho smoking remains of 
Chi-Chi and her chair (she seems to have mysteriously 
disappeared during the commercial break), laughing at 
Goku and Vegeta.* 
    GOKU: (To Piccolo) "Shut up fat head!"        
    *Piccolo laughs harder* 
    GOKU: *Grabs Goten by the hair as he walks by* 
"Listen you little butt pirate!  You're not even old 
enough to get married!" 
    TRUNKS: "Hey!  Let go of my man!" *Runs up to Goku 
and kicks him in the shin* 
    *Vegeta grabs Trunks by the back of his wedding 
dress* 
    *Amidst the confusion, Piccolo runs across the stage, 
grabs the wedding cake, and throws it at Goku.* 
    *Goku, blinded by wedding cake, attempts to blast 
Piccolo, but misses and hits Vegeta and half of the 
audience* 
    JERRY: *Yelling over the commotion.*  "Um, We're 
going to cut to commercial now!  When we get back, 
we'll have questions from the audience!" 

>Cut to commercial< 

Commercial #3 Feast in a Pill. 

    GOKU: "As a saiy-jin warrior, I find that I don't 
have a lot of time to eat, and I eat a lot!  I've also 
found that it is really inconvenient to carry a box 
car full of food with me where ever I go.  That's why 
I use Feast in a Pill!  It's delicious, it's filling, 
and it's carry-on!" 
    *Hold up a small capsule* 
    GOKU: "It also comes in a variety of great flavors" 
*pops the pill in his mouth, and immediately spits it 
back out.*  "Good lord!  What are you trying to do, 
kill me!?  This makes me wanna' gag! ...Hey wait a 
minute, that's it! *Smiles and faces the camera 
again.* Bulimia in a Pill!  Are you having trouble 
gagging yourself after you binge?  Well, look no 
further.  Loose weight fast and a couple of teeth 
while you're at it.  Bulimia in a Pill, it's 
gagarrific!" 
    *Cheesy wink follows and camera fades to black.* 

>Back to the show< 

    *Camera pans over the stage and finds all of the 
guests, miraculously, in their respective seats.* 
    JERRY: "Now we'll have questions from the audience... 
or, what's left of it." 
    *Jerry hands the mike to a heavy- set hermaphrodite 
sitting in the front row.* 
    HERMAPHRODITE: "Um, yeah, this ones for the man in 
the blue spandex.  I think you should accept that your 
son is gay and you should support whatever decision he 
makes." 
    VEGETA: "Shut up you insolent fool!" *Vegeta blasts 
the hermaphrodite into the next dimension.*                     
    JERRY: "Okay.  Next question." 
    *Hands the microphone to aforementioned Idiot in the 
Back.* 
    SOME IDIOT IN THE BACK: "This is for the violent man 
in the orange..." 
    GOKU: "I have a name." 
    SOME IDIOT IN THE BACK: "Whatever.  I find it very 
offensive that you killed your wife and that you were 
dragging your son around by the hair.  If that's the 
way you always act, it's no wonder your wife was 
playing ?pop goes the weasel' with that green 
guy....um, fat head?" 
    *Goku goes super saiy-jin on the idiot in the back 
and sends him to the next dimension.* 
    JERRY: "Will you please stop killing the audience 
members!?" 
    GOKU: "Sorry, Jerry." 
    VEGETA: "I'll kill whoever I damn well please!" 
    JERRY: "I think it's time for my final thought." 
    *Gohan stands up.* 
    GOHAN: "Jerry, I have something to say." 
    JERRY: "Oh God, what now?" 
    *Gohan come onto the stage and stands in front of 
Piccolo who is taking a drink from his canteen.* 
    GOHAN: "Mr. Piccolo.... I'm your biological son." 
    *Piccolo spits what's in his mouth out and gapes at 
Gohan.* 
    PICCOLO AND EVERYONE ON STAGE EXCEPT GOKU: "What!?" 
    GOKU: "Of course this would happen." 
    JERRY: "Right, then we'll have a paternity test after 
the show." 
    GOKU: "Screw that!  You can have him, Piccolo." 
    PICCOLO: "What the hell....!?" 
    JERRY: *whining* "I wanna' do my final thought now!" 
    EVERYBODY: "Fine!" 
    JERRY: "I haven't the slightest clue what the hell 
happened today, but it was bad.  I guess the moral of 
today's show is never piss off a saiy-jin and respect 
your spouses and children.  If you don't you'll 
discover that your wife is sleeping with a plant and 
your son is a fruit.  Until next time, take care of 
yourself and each other." 
    *Camera starts to pan back and fade out.* 
    JERRY: *As the camera fades* "I'm never having those 
psycho DBZ bastards on my show again!" 
    VEGETA: "Fine by me." 
    *As they walk out, Vegeta blasts Jerry into the next 
dimension.* 


>Springer People< 

    PICCOLO: "Jerry I came all the way from Japan to get 
my ass kicked by an angry saiy-jin and find out that 
his son his apparently mine biologically.  You da' 
bomb." 
    VEGETA: "I'm more da' bomb than Jerry because I fried 
his sorry ass." 
    GOKU: "Shut up Veggie.  Jerry, it's been real, but 
you're a jerk and I'm glad you're dead." 
    TRUNKS AND GOTEN: *Under their breaths* "Real what?" 
    *Vegeta smacks them both upside their fat heads. 
Goku turns on Vegeta angrily.* 
    GOKU: "Hey!  Don't hit my son!" 
    *Goku and Vegeta both go super saiy-jin and get into 
the biggest fight in saiy-jin history.  Gohan jumps 
into Piccolo's arms.* 
    GOHAN: "Mr. Piccolo, I'm so glad you're my real 
daddy." 
    PICCOLO: *trying to avoid getting kissed* "I can't be 
your real daddy!" 

>Show Ends< 

Stay Tuned For: Iron Chefs 
Today's challenger Goku the Mac 'n' Cheese master of 
the world.     
    
THE END