TRINITY
"Benny….Ya gotta talk ta the guy….He’s drivin’ me nuts here."
Detective Raymond Vecchio missed his friend’s dramatic roll of the eyes. For Constable Benton Fraser life had drifted into a rather amusing but also rather tiring routine. At least three times a week he would be forced to listen as Ray Vecchio sliced and diced anything and everything that was Ray Kowalski. And the days in between would be spent bolstering the heroic but often strained effort of Ray Kowalski not to kill one Detective Raymond Vecchio.
Ray Vecchio had been back from his undercover assignment for almost two months now and things didn’t seem to be getting any better. For the first two weeks the two men who had shared one identity had gone so far as an all out fistfight amid the tension that Vecchio’s sudden reappearance at the 2-7 had caused. It hadn’t helped that the Lieutenant had decided to make them partners. Both Rays were good cops and Welsh didn’t want to lose either of them. He believed that neither detective would allow the personality conflict to affect their work. He also figured that sooner or later they would work things out to the point that they could both be in the same room without shedding blood.
It had finally reached that point but not until Ray Kowalski had come to an important decision. It had happened the afternoon of the fistfight. While Frannie was tending to her brother, Fraser was patching up his blond-headed friend. As he carefully applied a couple of butterfly stitches to his partners cheek he could tell that Ray had much more going through his mind than what had just happened. Fraser had closed the door to the interrogation room and the two friends had spent the next hour hashing out a plan.
As Ray Vecchio continued his tirade on the subject of his disgusting partner, Fraser couldn’t help but smile. He, for one, was proud of Kowalski. The skinny detective had chosen a line of action that was totally against everything that Fraser had come to know about his friend. Ray had chosen to be patient….and understanding. As Ray himself would have said, ‘wow…go figure’.
Ray Kowalski was no stranger to undercover work. He understood the emotional toll that it could take and the time and distance that was needed to get over it. He knew from personal experience. He was able to use that experience and the realization that he had never been involved in anything as dangerous or as complicated as what his new partner had been through to fuel his new resolve to ride out Vecchio’s rehabilitation.
Ray Kowalski knew that his partner was a good man, a good cop and his best friend’s best friend. But it wasn’t easy…and Fraser had more than once had to convince his friend to stay the course. Last night was just one of many that the Mountie had spent with the blond. And now the cycle continued as he once again turned his attention to his volatile Italian friend.
"I mean…..Geeze, Fraser…The guy might as well wear a sign on his forehead."
"What sign would that be Ray?" Fraser tried to show true concern.
"Bag-lady!" Vecchio threw up his hands in frustration. "Whadda ya think! The guy is a slob. He might shave twice a week…and those clothes. I mean it’s bad enough that he looks like he dresses out of a dumpster but today took the cake. I can’t believe the guy’s utter lack of taste…or sense….I mean….like I said he might as well wear a sign."
"Ray if you would please just calm down and tell me exactly what happened…from the beginning. I’m sure that there is an explanation." The Mountie gently took his partner by the arm and directed him to the nearest chair.
"Of course there’s an explanation Fraser….The guy’s damaged!"
Fraser had to bite back his annoyance. For almost two years the Mountie had worked hard to convince Kowalski that he wasn’t damaged and the idea that Vecchio thought of the blond that way wasn’t easy to ignore. He had to just pray that it was one phrase that the Italian had never used against his partner.
"Ray!…Please."
"Alright….alright." Vecchio quickly ran a hand through his thinning hair as he started his story.
"We had a carry in dinner today…Macy’s transfer to the 16th finally came through and today was his last day." The thin Italian rose from the chair and began an agitated circuit of the room. "Chili dogs…Frannie brought in a slow cooker and the dogs. Kowalski brought the hot dog sauce and the buns and everyone else brought sides. Not only does that crazy slob come in looking like a vagrant…but…Geeze Benny…I can’t believe this guy."
At Fraser’s impatient glance he continued.
"Okay…okay…he carries in two bags of stuff right?….One bag is from The Dollar General Store….and the other one?…Are you ready for this?….The other one is from the Goodwill Store. I mean shit…not only does he look like he shops there…but he carries the buns into the station in a damn shopping bag from the Goodwill Store….This is the guy who is suppose to be my partner. No wonder I been keepin’ him away from the press on the Madison case…I mean my God!!!…I wouldn’t wanna be caught in the same frame with that freak."
Fraser could only shake his head in sad recognition that this newest complaint was just as lame and petty as all the others had been. It was plain that Ray Kowalski had become the focal point for most, if not all of the Italian’s unexplained anger and frustration. Never a man of great patience it seemed that since his return from the undercover assignment it now took very little or almost nothing at all to send Vecchio off. And in each case Ray Kowalski was his favorite target.
"Well Ray. Let me ask just three questions."
Vecchio rolled his eyes in frustration but returned to his chair and sprawled into it, crossing his arms across his chest like a tempestuous child.
"First question: Was it good sauce?"
"Well yah….Crazy Polack even made it from scratch." Vecchio lowered one hand to begin fidgeting with the hem of his sports jacket.
"Second question: Were the buns fresh?"
"Too fresh…Had to dig hot dog bun out from behind your front teeth about every other bite. Knowin’ him I’m surprised he didn’t buy ‘em at the bakery outlet…you know the place on Hoover where they take the older stuff that’s still good." Ray again crossed his arms in a show of triumph.
The Mountie shot his friend a telling glance and continued. "Question number three: Does any of this have any impact on Ray Kowalski’s effectiveness as a police officer…and more to the point…as your partner?"
Ray Vecchio shot the Mountie a quick glance before again dropping his hand to fret with the hem of his jacket. It was just a quick glance but Fraser couldn’t miss the guilt that was evident there. It was in that moment that Fraser realized that somewhere along the way the Italian had finally come to understand that Ray Kowalski was a good officer and probably a good guy as well….But it was something that his friend was, as yet, unwilling to admit. Even to himself. That realization brought with it a heavy sadness. But amidst the sadness there was a flicker of hope that maybe?…someday?….
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It was just past midnight when Fraser was roused from his troubled sleep by the jangling of the Consulate phone.
It had been after nine before he had been able to work himself away from Ray Vecchio and he had to be on an 8:00 am flight to Toronto for a seminar. Sleep had not come easily. It took a moment for his frazzled brain to start picking up actual words…but the despair and urgency present in the voice came through immediately.
"…Benny…are you listening to me? I’m at the hospital…Its Kowalski. He ain’t dead or nothin’ but… Damn it!…..Benny?….The idiot took a bullet for me. I’m sorry Benny….sorry."
Fraser swallowed down the lump that was threatening to cut off his air and hoped that his fear wasn’t reflected in his voice.
"Ray…Please Ray, calm yourself. Just slow down and talk to me."
"I’m so sorry Benny."
"I’m sure it wasn’t your fault Ray." The Mountie had a thousand questions but the most important thing now was to try and sooth his partner’s frayed emotions. "Wasn’t Ray wearing his vest?"
He could hear Vecchio take a big breath and when he continued he seemed to have regained some composure.
"Yeah…Yeah….He took the bullet in the vest…but… The guy had me dead ta rights….it’s just…Shit. Benny…He saved my life. But…he fell…he took out a porch banister and…and…he went down hard…and…Benny?….I think he broke his neck."
For Fraser, the idea of all the raw, unbridled energy that he had come to associate with Ray Kowalski being forever trapped in a useless body was nearly as hard to accept as the idea of him not surviving at all.
"Ray?…Please hang on." At that instant Fraser wasn’t even sure too which of his partners he was speaking. "I’ll be there as soon as I can."
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The waiting room for the trauma unit was at the end of what seemed to Fraser was an incredibly long hall. Lieutenant Welsh was leaning heavily against the wall staring down the corridor, an ever- present coffee cup in his hand. He noticed the Mountie’s approach and levered himself from his post. Fraser noticed him glance across the room before ambling down the hall to meet him.
"Constable. Glad you could make it." The older man’s face was lined with fatigue and the concern he felt for his Detectives.
Fraser tried his best to mask his unease.
"How is Ray?"
Welsh ran a callused hand across tired eyes.
"They’re still running tests but they’re pretty sure his necks broke…just don’t know the extent of the damage."
Fraser could feel a chill work it’s way up his spine and was glad for the strong hand that gripped his shoulder.
"What happened?"
"Not much really…He just fell off a porch." The irony of the situation was not lost on the Mountie. Welsh tipped his head towards the waiting room. "I’ll let Vecchio fill ya in. I think he needs to get some of the load off…and he’s pretty much quit talkin’ to me. He’s kind of a mess Fraser. He figures it’s his fault…and to be honest I think he’s finally beginning to see what a jerk he’s been when it comes to Kowalski. The guy has spent the last month and a half making Kowalski’s life miserable and then the ‘bag-lady’ turns around and saves his life….talk about a guilt trip."
Welsh shook his head sadly. "I knew sooner or later he’d figure out that Kowalski’s an alright guy ….I just wish it didn’t take something like this happenin’ to make him see it."
"I’ll talk to him, Sir." Fraser looked down the hall towards the waiting room and straightened his shoulders.
"You do that Constable….I need more coffee."
Fraser had only taken two steps when he heard the Lieutenant call his name.
The big man had turned back towards the Mountie and Fraser could read the determination in his eyes.
"Don’t you two set in there and put Kowalski in no damn wheelchair…Not yet… Ray’s one tough little buzzard and if anyone can get up and walk out a there he’ll be the one…Hear me?…." With one quick tight nod, Welsh turned and walked away.
Fraser stepped into the waiting room and took in the sight of his partner. Vecchio sat with his elbows on his knees, his head resting in his hands, his eyes staring at the floor.
"Ray?"
The Italian glanced up for just an instant. His eyes were red rimmed and filled with guilt. The Mountie watched as the Detective sat back in his chair and turned his eyes to the ceiling.
"Benny…they don’t know nothin’ yet." Ray finally made eye contact. "It didn’t look good but they’re still runnin’ tests…so… I guess…we can hope, huh?"
"And pray, Ray." The Mountie slowly made his way to his friend and took the seat next to him. "As the Lieutenant just said; we shouldn’t set in here and put him in a wheelchair yet. Ray Kowalski is much tougher than one would be led to believe."
"Yah…Tough and stupid." Vecchio shook his head in agitation as he continued. "He’s tough enough to put up with my bull-shit and stupid enough to keep comin’ back for more."
Fraser felt that the best thing to do now was to hold his opinion too himself and let his friend do the talking. He watched quietly as his partner quickly rose from his seat and began to pace the room.
"I mean what’s with the guy Fraser? He’s like a damn mutt dog. You kick ‘em in the ribs and try ta run ‘em off and they wiggle their way back to ya and roll their belly up ta let ya kick ‘em again. How stupid is that? I mean why would a guy keep lettin’ himself open ta shit like that?"
Vecchio had come to a stop before the Mountie and his expression was begging for some kind of explanation.
Fraser took a deep breath and running his thumb along his brow began what he hoped would be an acceptable reply.
"You’re his partner Ray…and for him it’s as simple as that." The Mountie raised his hand to halt his friend’s response. "It was his decision….We talked about it the day you two tried to tear each other apart at the station."
Fraser tapped the chair beside him and continued only after his partner had returned to his seat.
"Ray Kowalski is familiar with the stress that an extended undercover assignment can cause. And although it took him awhile to understand that it was that stress that was the biggest factor in your behavior, once he came to that realization, he felt that it was his duty as your partner to stand by you until you came to grips with it."
The Mountie allowed himself a small smile.
"It wasn’t the line of action that I would have expected from him. His usual response would have been to ‘kick you in the head’, but I think his realization that you are not only a competent police officer but also my friend, helped him to modify his stand. Not that it was by any means easy for him…but I must say that he has maintained that stand in a most admirable fashion."
"Partners!" Vecchio nearly spat the word out.
"Yes Ray. Partners!" The Italian was surprised by the anger that was suddenly present in his friend’s voice. "His understanding of a partnership is quite simple: you back your partner’s play…and when he is at his weakest you must be at your strongest."
Fraser watched as Vecchio dropped his embarrassed gaze to the floor.
"Partners?" This time the Italian’s voice was quiet and shaky and more a question than a statement.
Fraser put a reassuring hand on his friend’s shoulder.
"I believe that it is a concept that you have momentarily lost sight of. But Ray and I both believe that it is just a temporary lapse… one that we both look forward to you getting over."
"It may be too late, Benny." Vecchio sighed heavily. "After tonight?…He may have changed his mind."
"I doubt that Ray. He can be very tenacious or as he would say, bull-headed."
"He may need it Benny. I mean…ya know…If he’s hurt as bad as it looked…" The Mountie watched as another wave of guilt filled his partner’s eyes. "Geeze …I can’t believe it….He just…It didn’t look good."
Fraser clamped a strong hand onto his partner’s bony shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze.
"What exactly happened Ray?"
The thin Italian sank lower in his seat and turned his haunted gaze towards the ceiling.
"Ah geeze, Benny…The whole thing is such a mess. He is a good cop…Better cop than I could ever be….I’ve known it from the beginning…..but…" Vecchio absently rubbed his thighs and took a deep breath before turning his head to finally make eye contact with his friend.
"It’s the Madison case…High profile…a real career maker….and that’s just the way I been handlin’ it. While I was the one standin’ at the DA’s elbow for all the press conferences, it was Kowalski doin’ all the scut work. That’s what makes him a better cop than me, Benny. He doesn’t care about any of the bull-shit…In fact he can’t stand it. He just wants ta do his job and get the bad guys off the street. You and I both know it’s the scut work that can make the difference. While I was in the high level meetings with the Lieutenant and the Captain it was Kowalski goin’ over the reports from NCIC…and the DMV. I was sippin’ coffee with the brass and he was out runnin’ down all the little leads and talkin’ to all the little people that can make or break a case."
Vecchio shook his head sadly and rubbed his bloodshot eyes.
"I was sure that it was one of Madison’s big shot buddies that had taken him out…You know?…Some kind of high drama, passion play. Kowalski told me from the beginning that it just didn’t feel right to him. He kept wantin’ me to look at it from a different angle….but then it would have lost all of its press value…I guess I didn’t want that to happen. But he never made a big deal about it…he just kept sluggin’ away at it from his point of view…and yet kept up on all the little details that I wanted him to run down as well."
The thin Italian took another shaky breath and then again turned his gaze to the ceiling.
"He called me about 10:00. Said he had a guy he wanted to talk too. He wanted his partner ta back him up." Ray shot an embarrassed glance toward his friend. "I tried ta blow him off…told him he was off his rocker. He only argued with me a little bit…and then just said he’d get a uniform ta go with him. I don’t know Benny…but there was something in his voice that got to me…he uhm…he sounded really disappointed in me ya know?….disappointed…but not surprised. To be honest it made me half, mad. The way this thing turned out, he’d have been better off with the uniform…"
Fraser put his hand on the back of his friend’s neck and wasn’t surprised to see the tears that had sprung into Ray’s eyes. Vecchio rubbed a hand across his face and continued.
"Anyway…He comes over and picks me up. There’s a guy over on Huron that he thinks may have something ta do with Madison getting’ whacked. Kowalski always thought it was just a car-jackin' that went bad…The guy panics and ends up takin’ off with nothin’ at all…I mean…It sure didn’t look like a robbery ta me…The guy was wearin’ a Rolex, for Christ’s sake…Not to mention a diamond big enough ta choke a horse…So I’m thinkin’ it had to be someone with a grudge…an ex-partner…or unhappy client…Either one meaning another bigshot. Like I said…high profile…career maker."
Vecchio shook his head almost violently and then continued. "So we get over to this little house on Huron and I walk up ta the door like some hot-shot rookie. I pound on this guys door and identify myself as a cop…and then I…uhm…I stepped back and started to put my jacket on. Big mistake…and Kowalski knew it right off. He figured the guy for an amateur…They can be the most dangerous ya know….I mean he panicked once, right?
Anyway this guy opens the door with a gun in his hand…and I’m standin’ there with my arms tied up in the sleeves of my coat…And I’m dead…I mean the guy had me right in his sights…and he wasn’t plannin’ on goin’ ta jail."
Vecchio again turned his haunted eyes toward his partner. "It’s my fault Benny…All of it…God I just wish I could back it all up and do it right…ya know?…But I can’t"
The thin Italian’s shoulders slumped even lower as he continued. "Next thing I know Ray’s got me shoved out of the way and takes the guy out with one shot…But he takes one in the vest…and he slams back against the porch rail and it gives. I get myself straightened up, check out the perp., and then I look over the rail…and…and he’s layin’ there. I mean… shit… he didn’t fall more than three or four feet….tops…but he’s got this real glassy look in his eyes…and his body is all stiff but quiverin’…like he’s got a finger stuck in a light socket or something…and then nothin’. By the time I get down to him his eyes have cleared some…but he ain’t movin’ at all…and…he uh…He’s beggin’ me not to move him….I mean shit, Benny…the guy is beggin’ me not ta move him. Like he thinks it’s somethin’ I might do just ta be mean or something."
Vecchio again turned his tormented gaze towards the Mountie.
"I didn’t move him Benny…I swear I didn’t…"
"Ray!…For God’s sake Ray, stop it." Fraser had to take a second to get his surprise under control. "Do you really believe that I would think you would intentionally do anything to hurt him?"
The Italian studied his friend carefully before he formed his reply.
"No…No …You wouldn’t think that Benny…I’m sorry…It’s just…I guess I haven’t ever given Kowalski any reason to think I wouldn’t do something ta hurt him…I mean…I know I’ve hurt him alot already." Vecchio gave his friend a very small, very sad smile. "Nothin’ physical…but I can get damn mean with words when I want to…and I’ve seen through his tough guy act…I know a lot of what I said hurt him. At the time it made me feel damn good…but right now?…after hearin’ him beg me not ta move him….I feel pretty low…damn low as a matter of fact. The guy never did anything to deserve the shit I’ve put him through…and I just….."
The Mountie watched as Ray dropped his head into his hands and fought to keep the anguish out of his voice.
"I just don’t know if I can handle it if he ends up in a wheelchair because of me…I mean…If anyone deserves to be punished because of my actions it’s me….not him…He’s a good guy, Benny…a good cop… he’s your friend….and…"
"Our friend, Ray."
As Vecchio raised a hopeful gaze Welsh entered the waiting room accompanied by a Doctor.
"He’s got the word on Kowalski…I told him he might as well wait and tell all of us at once." Welsh stepped aside and gave the Doctor a quick nod.
"Okay gentlemen…I’m sorry that it has taken so long to get you some word on your friend’s condition but as he was running down the list of where he hurt, he mentioned that his ‘belly was on fire’, as he put it. Our first concern was that he had some internal bleeding but as it turns out he has a pre-ulcerous stomach…which along with his elevated blood pressure could be associated to the stress involved in his present investigation."
The three friends exchanged quizzical looks and Welsh even cracked a small smile. Fraser, who had placed a steadying hand on Vecchio’s shoulder, could feel his friend go rigid as the doctor continued.
"Add to that the fact that we had an inordinate amount of difficulty in getting a good picture of the neck fracture and I’m afraid it took us rather a long time to finish the exam."
Ray Vecchio took a shaky step backwards and dropped into the nearest chair.
"So…His neck is busted." It was more a statement than a question.
"Well technically yes…and he has a concussion as well but in both cases it’s the degree of injury that is…."
Before the Doctor could complete his thought another voice broke into the conversation.
"Hey guys. Can we go home now?"
Everyone turned to see a smiling Ray Kowalski standing in the doorway. Other than a white cervical collar supporting his neck and the slight glassiness of his eyes he looked basically untouched.
Welsh was the first to find his voice.
"What’d I tell ya Constable…one tough little buzzard."
Fraser’s smile could have lit the entire South side of Chicago.
"Indeed, Sir."
"I thought you said his neck was busted?"
The Mountie was surprised to hear the anger in Ray Vecchio’s voice…and not the least surprised to see Ray Kowalski drop his eyes in disappointment.
"Well technically it is what we would call a hair-line fracture…and a small one at that. I believe that the symptoms you reported were a result of the concussion and not the neck injury. Although Detective Kowalski has suffered a significant neck sprain there was no damage or even any trauma to the spinal cord and the fracture wasn’t the result of any compression of the vertebrae. To be honest I am more concerned about his stomach condition…even the concussion is very mild."
"You mean we’ve been settin’ out here all this time thinkin’ he’s gonna end up in a wheelchair and all he’s got is a damn stomach ache?" Vecchio’s angry gaze moved between the Doctor and his deflated partner.
The Doctor ran a quick glance around the room. He noticed the reaction of the others to Vecchio’s outburst…including his patient’s.
"I assure you Sir…a pre-ulcerous stomach is much more than just a stomach ache…and if Detective Kowalski has to put up with a partner such as yourself on a daily basis it is no wonder to me that he is suffering from symptoms of stress."
The anger quickly drained from the Italian and was replaced with shame and embarrassment as he read the disappointment and reproach in Fraser’s eyes. Even Welsh was giving him hell with his expression.
The Doctor pointedly turned his back on the now contrite Detective and focused on his patient.
"Here is your prescription Detective Kowalski…and I also have a list of instructions for your ‘Ma’." With that the Doctor threw one more disgusted look towards Vecchio, turned and left the room.
Kowalski gave a quick embarrassed glance to his friends and then dropped his gaze to the floor.
"Uhm…It’s the only way he would let me go home." Everyone present knew that Ray’s parents had returned too Arizona and the use of the word ‘Ma’ instead of mother or mum left little doubt for the others that in his discussion with the Doctor he was referring to Mrs. Vecchio.
"It ain’t the first time I got a knock on the head." The thin blond suddenly brightened and turned towards the Mountie. "Or…you know…Frase could stay with me…just for tonight."
Everyone was surprised when Vecchio stepped forward and held out his hand.
"He said those instructions were for Ma, didn’t he?" Vecchio shot a quick glance towards the Mountie that seemed to beg for forgiveness. "Anyway…Benny has to be on an 8:00am flight for Toronto."
Kowalski turned towards the Lieutenant, his expression a mixture of hope and trepidation. Any idea of rescue from that source was lost when he noticed the tiny smirk that curled the older man’s lips.
With a barely audible sigh, the blonde turned back towards his partner.
"It’s alright Ray…I only said that so he would let me outta this place. Me an' hospitals just don’t get along….and…" Kowalski dropped his gaze to the floor as he continued. "I’ll be fine."
"I know you will…’cause you're comin’ home with me." His tone left little room for argument. He handed the car keys to Welsh as he continued. "Lieutenant, Fraser and I will go get this prescription filled. His car’s down in the side lot. If you would make sure he gets down there without breakin’ something else, we’ll be down in just a minute."
The Lieutenant smiled his agreement and placing his arm gently across Kowalski’s shoulders, led him from the room.
Vecchio watched until the pair turned the corner at the end of the hall. He dropped his chin to his chest and ran his hand through his thinning hair.
"Geeze, Benny. I can’t believe me." Fraser was surprised to see the tears that were present in his friend’s eyes. "I mean for Christ’s sake….I been settin’ here all night goin’ on about what a jerk I’ve been with the guy…Worried sick that because a me he’s gonna end up in a wheelchair…I find out he’s gonna be fine…and I react like that. Did you see the look in his eyes?"
"I’m sure that Ray knows your anger was directed towards the Doctor and not at him." Fraser laid a calming hand on his friend’s shoulder.
"Yah…sure Benny…Just like that stress shit is coming from the investigation and not from having ta deal with a whacked out partner that treats him like shit." Vecchio shook his head sadly. "He thrives on police work. We both know that, Benny. The only stress he’s got in his life is me and that crazy hair a his."
Fraser couldn’t help but smile at his friend’s attempt to relieve some of the tension.
"Well…it’s not to late, Ray. You have the perfect opportunity to try and work things out." As he continued the two friends made their way down the hall. "I think that you will find Ray more than willing to meet you half way."
"I hope you’re right Fraser….but I wouldn’t blame the guy if after tonight he’s had enough."
"Don’t lose hope, my friend." As the pair disappeared around the corner the Mountie gave him a sharp smack on the back. "He was married to The Stella for almost ten years….and in the end, he wasn’t the one who had had enough."
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Ray Vecchio was a very uncomfortable man. He almost wished that the Lieutenant hadn’t offered to give Fraser a ride to the Consulate. He knew that Benny would have found a way to ease the tension that was now present in the GTO. His emotions were swinging wildly between intense shame and unexplainable anger and he didn’t understand any of it.
He knew that he was doing the right thing in ensuring the health and safety of his partner. He had made himself a promise that from tonight on he would honor the sacrifice that Kowalski had been willing to make to save his life. He knew deep in his bones that Ray Kowalski was a good cop, and a good man. And if he were to be totally honest with himself he really did like the guy. But where was all this anger coming from and why did his partner always seem to be the one to receive the brunt of it?
For his part the thin blond seemed to be trying very hard to blend into the interior of the car.
"Kowalski…I …Uhm….I just wanted ta let ya know that me getting angry back there?…That wasn’t meant for you." Vecchio shot a quick glance at his partner but the darkness in the car prevented him from gauging any reaction. "They just left us hangin’ out there for so long…and we didn’t know anything more than that your neck was probably broke. I guess when I found out you were gonna be all right I just…you know?…I was relieved and everything…but…shit!…They could have kept us a little better informed is all. I wasn’t angry with you."
"’S okay."
Vecchio waited for something more but after a few minutes of silence he continued.
"And about what happened …I’m sorry. I thought that trip tonight was pure bull-shit…I wasn’t takin’ it serious…and it almost got you killed." Vecchio rubbed his hand through his hair and again tried to read his partner’s reaction. "You had this case pegged right from the very beginning and I just wouldn’t see it. I’m just glad you had it covered…’cause I was sure on the wrong track."
‘S’okay…That’s what partners do."
Again Vecchio waited for something more. For him this whole situation would be easier to take if Kowalski would grace him with the ass chewing that he so richly deserved. Suddenly he could feel his own anger beginning to boil. He had almost gotten the man killed tonight. How could the guy just set there and not say something about what a total screw up he was? And why was he suddenly so mad at his partner…again?
The Italian successfully bit back all the things he wanted to say. His partner had been through enough today….He didn’t need anymore. It made for a very quiet trip home.
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It was nearly 4:00am when Raymond Vecchio jerked upright in his bed. The emotional roller coaster that he had been on through the day had made it nearly impossible to fall asleep. Usually a night like this only served to make him angry but the terrible dream that had awakened him left him feeling nothing but scared and ashamed.
In his dream a helpless Ray Kowalski lay before him. His blue eyes pleading with his partner for his help. In the dream Vecchio moved to his partner’s side and leaned down to hear his mumbled words. Kowalski was pleading with him. He was begging for his partner not to move him. Vecchio smiled, stepped back and kicked the helpless figure before him, again and again and again. It was the scream that was torn from his partner’s throat that jerked him awake.
The Italian slowly ran his hand through his sweaty hair. He knew it was just a dream.
He had called his Ma from the hospital pharmacy and upon arriving home the two of them had successfully gotten his injured partner settled into the guestroom down the hall. He knew that to be true. That wasn’t a dream. But suddenly he desperately needed to know that Kowalski was all right.
He quietly left his bedroom and eased down the hall. Ma had left the door to the guestroom slightly ajar. If the man who had saved her son’s life needed help in the night she wanted to be able to hear him.
Vecchio silently eased the door open. His stomach dropped when the light from the hall revealed only an empty bed. He suddenly felt like he was in danger of losing his mind. What was dream and what was real and where the hell had that crazy bag lady gone?
He quickly made his way down the stairs. He shot a quick glance into the living room and then moved on to the kitchen. He sighed with relief when he found his partner at the kitchen table.
The thin blond sat in one of the old wooden chairs. Both elbows rested on the table. The palms of both hands were held tightly to his temples and his eyes were clamped tight in an obvious show of pain.
"Kowalski! What in the hell are ya doin’ down here?"
Kowalski jumped at the sound of the voice and Vecchio cringed as his partner then dropped one arm to wrap around his stomach.
"Geeze…Give a guy a heart attack why don’t ya."
The words were barely a whisper and Vecchio didn’t miss the fact that the blond made no other attempts to move. It was obvious that his partner was in some distress but it seemed that the roller coaster ride had begun again. Within the last few minutes his emotions had swung from total gut-wrenching fear to near blinding anger. One moment he was terrified to find an empty bed and in the next he was angry that the idiot had left it. One moment he was filled with relief to find him safely in the kitchen and in the next he was angry that he was in such obvious pain and hadn’t told anyone.
Vecchio found himself fighting to find some balance. His insides seemed to be screaming at him….but he couldn’t understand what they were saying. One part of him wanted to fall on his knees before this man and beg for his forgiveness and one part of him wanted to beat him into the ground. The Italian took a deep calming breath and tried to begin again. He had to find some balance.
"Sorry…I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to scare ya."
"’S’okay"
Vecchio clamped his eyes shut in frustration. No it was not okay…But what was?…He just didn’t know anymore.
"Are you all right?" He knew it was a ridiculous question.
"Yah…I’m good…I’m…ah…" The thin blond slowly brought his other hand back up to press firmly on his temple. "My heads really killin’ me."
"Did ya take any of those pills they sent home with ya?"
"No."
"Why the hell not!" Vecchio could feel his anger rising again and he fought to keep it at bay. He had no right to be mad at this man.
"Couldn’t find ‘em."
"Whadda ya mean ya couldn’t find ‘em?…Ma probably left ‘em right there by your bed…That’s where she always puts ‘em." Again the anger was building and the ability to push it down seemed to be slipping.
"Wasn’t there….I looked…Thought they might be down here."
"Christ, Kowalski! Why would they be down here if you’re up there…huh?" Vecchio found himself slowly circling the table. "You’re such a klutz you probably knocked ‘em off or something. Do you remember knockin’ anything off the night stand while you were up there staggerin’ around?"
Vecchio had come to a stop on the opposite side of the table. Both palms flat on the surface as if he were facing a suspect in the interrogation room.
"No." Again the voice was barely a whisper.
"Shit…Now I’ll have ta go up there and see if I can find ‘em." He smacked a palm against the table as he straightened. "Just the way I wanted to spend my night…Rummagin’ around the guestroom tryin’ to find your medicine. Thanks a lot partner."
As Ray Vecchio made his way up the stairs he began to tick off in his mind all the ways that the ‘bag lady’ had pissed him off since their first meeting. It was a long list. By the time he had reached the guestroom he was so angry that he had to concentrate on trying to be quiet. He didn’t want to wake up the rest of the house, especially his mother.
He was down on his knees checking under the bed when it suddenly struck him.
He knew where the pills were.
Still on his knees he dropped his head in shame. He thought back on the list of sins he had marked down to his partner’s account. As he reviewed the contents of his many complaints, he began to see, for the first time, how really petty most of them were. When all was said and done there was no way that the list of shortcomings could outweigh the good. Kowalski was a good cop and Benny’s best friend. But even more importantly he was a damn good partner. Kowalski had solved the Madison case on his own. He had put up with all of the Italian’s abuse, with very little complaint and most importantly he had saved his life. What more could a man expect from a partner?….What more could a man expect from a friend?
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Ray Vecchio stepped quietly into his mother’s kitchen. He took a moment to study his friend. The blond hadn’t moved. He noticed that the wastebasket was setting beside Kowalski’s chair. He had a sneaking suspicion that it had been there the first time. He had just been too angry to notice.
He moved over to the refrigerator and removed a small bottle of water. After a careful study of the labels of the two pill bottles he removed the proper dosage and took a seat across from his partner.
"Here, Ray. Take these."
Kowalski slowly raised his head and opened his red-rimmed eyes.
"Found ‘em huh?"
"Yeah." Vecchio watched as he slowly took the pills. "I..uhm…I never got ‘em out of my jacket pocket." The Italian again caught himself waiting for a reaction that never came.
"’S’okay."
For once there was no anger at his partner’s response. All the Italian felt now was a bone deep weariness. He didn’t miss the quick glance that his partner threw him. Vecchio understood that Kowalski had been ready for the anger…not this.
"It’s not okay….and you know it." He said quietly. "I was the one who misplaced the medicine…but you’re the one that got jumped for it…that ain’t right….But that kind of sums up our whole deal…doesn’t it?"
The blue eyes slowly raised in surprise. Vecchio knew that it was as much from his quiet tone of voice as from the actual words and that somehow made it even worse. "I’ve treated you like dog shit since the day we met…and you are the last person on God’s green earth that deserves that."
Kowalski never said a word…but his eyes registered his disbelief.
"You’re a good cop, Ray. You broke the Madison case all on your own. You’ve put up with my bullshit when you had every right to ‘kick me in the head’…and you saved my life by riskin’ your own. You’ve been a lot better partner to me than I’ve been to you. All I’ve been is angry…I don’t know where it all comes from…but most of it’s been aimed at you. It ain’t right."
"I think I know."
"Know what?"
"I know where it comes from…And I know why it’s aimed at me." For the first time in too long a small smile creased the face of the blond.
Vecchio sat back in his chair and answered the smile with a smirk.
"Oh ya do huh?…Ya mind sharin’ this valuable information?"
"I can only speak from what I know…but I think I got it figured out." The blond slowly sat back in his chair as well. Vecchio didn’t miss the slight grimace as he did so.
"I’ve done some undercover shit. Ya get back after a week…a month…or even two…and the whole time ya been away everything’s just gone on as if you’d never been there in the first place. Somehow ya get it in your head that everything should just stop and wait ‘till ya get back…but it doesn’t." Kowalski slowly lowered one arm to his lap. Vecchio knew that it was going to end up around his stomach…The guy was still hurting.
"Now, you?…You were gone for over a year….That’s a long time. But even then ya probably had the feelin’ that when ya got back things would be the same…only they weren’t. Your family did all right with you gone. I mean they missed ya …sure…but they did all right…Look at Frannie for instance….She goes out and gets a job at the station…and does it good. It wasn’t easy for Ma…but she did okay…she got along….And Fraser? At first, he was just goin’ along to maintain your cover…but it turned into something more. Me and Fraser are friends now…good friends…and partners. We done good work together. And stuff at the station just went on like always…a little crazy at first…but things smoothed out and it was almost like you’d never even been there. That had ta be rough ta come back too…I mean somethin’ like that could make anyone angry."
"You’re right on one count…Things just goin’ on as normal does kind of piss me off." The Italian ran a hand through his hair as he continued. "But I ain’t mad at Ma…or Fraser…or…"
"Of course not…You love ‘em." The thin blond once more leaned up and placed his arms on the table. He fixed the Italian with a penetrating gaze. "That just leaves me…and the anger has ta go somewhere. That’s why it’s so important for you not ta even like me. If by some act of God you decide that I don’t deserve the anger…what ya gonna do with all of it?"
Ray Vecchio suddenly felt a burning behind his eyes. He fought back the tears.
"But you don’t deserve it."
"I hope not…but." Vecchio was surprised to feel a strong hand placed over his own. "Ya gotta get rid of it, Ray. It’ll kill ya…and everything ya love as well. Sure ya lost a lot of time…and a lot of moments…I mean I was the one who watched Maria’s second oldest ride a two- wheeler for the first time. And when little Theresa lost her first baby tooth it was me that got ta see the new ‘hole in her head’…her words….but ya got a lot more time ahead…and a lot more moments…but if ya can’t shake this anger? You’re gonna miss out on them as well."
Ray Kowalski slowly withdrew his hand and watched as his partner considered his words. The medicine had helped but that was probably the longest speech he had ever given in his life…and it had just about worn him out.
The two men sat in silence for what seemed like a long time. At last Vecchio raised tear- brightened eyes to meet those of his partner.
"You might be right…But I ain’t sure I can….What if ?…"
"You’ll find a way…and I’ll still be your partner when ya do." Kowalski again graced his friend with a smile. "Just hurry up will ya…It’s getting’ kind of rough."
Vecchio couldn’t help but smile…But the roughness of the last 24 hours were clearly written on the blonde’s haggard face.
"I’ll do my best…but right now I think we need ta get you back upstairs."
Vecchio watched as his partner began to slowly get to his feet. The blond suddenly froze and carefully lowered himself back down.
"Uhm....You go ahead." Kowalski crossed his arms on the table and carefully lowered his head to rest upon them. "I better give that medicine a minute or two. Every time I move my head my stomach does a flip. I..uh…I don’t wanna make a mess on the stairs or nothin’…Ma would kill me."
The Italian quickly got up from his chair and moved to his partner’s side. He laid a gentle hand on his bony shoulder and with his foot moved the wastebasket just a little closer.
"That’s what this thing’s for …ain’t it?" A tiny nod was the only response. "I ..ah…didn’t even notice it the first time. Have ya had to use it yet?"
"Huh-uh…so far…so good. I just gotta hold still a bit…Once the pills kick in I’ll be good ta go….sorry." Again the voice was barely a whisper.
It wasn’t the first time that Vecchio had noticed Kowalski’s tendency to apologize for things that weren’t his fault…but tonight…after all that had happened it hit him like a physical blow.
"I’ll make ya some of Ma’s tea…" He found himself fighting to keep his voice steady. "It always helps settle a guys stomach."
As he turned toward the counter to prepare the tea, the weight of all the suppressed emotions…and shame began to build in his chest. If anyone in this kitchen had anything to be sorry for, it was he, not Kowalski.
His hands were shaking as he prepared the teakettle. Never in his life had he felt such utter despair. He spent more time than was necessary at the task, fighting for the courage to turn and face his partner. Even when he did, he found himself leaning hard against the counter…his knuckles white from the grip he felt it necessary to maintain.
Vecchio studied his partner closely. It took him a moment to realize that the blonde’s breathing had deepened into the slow rhythm of sleep. He stood frozen in place and was totally shocked to feel the tears that were streaming down his face. He began to shake as the flood of emotions that he had fought so hard and so long to keep at bay threatened to overcome him.
When he heard his mother quietly enter the kitchen he could only hang his head in shame. He made no attempt to speak or try to hide his tears. For the moment it was all beyond him. He only glanced up long enough to see his mother spread her heavy bathrobe over the shoulders of the man who slept at her table. It was only a moment later that he felt her gently wrap her arms around him. He melted into the soothing warmth of his mother’s hug and allowed her to lead him to the living room.
It took nearly a half-hour for the well of tears to run dry. Except for a few quiet reassurances his mother said nothing…She just gently held him as he cried himself out.
At last he began to speak.
For the next hour he spoke of things that he had thought he would never tell anyone. He told her of his mix of emotions while under cover and his desperate longing for home. He told her of the fear and confusion upon his return and his unreasonable desire to hurt the man who had, this very night, saved his life at the risk of his own.
By the end of the hour a few chuckles began to make their way into the one-sided conversation as Vecchio recounted some of his own ridiculous behavior towards the ‘Bag Lady’ and Fraser’s infinite patience with them both. At last a silence settled in the room as exhaustion and peace seemed to now share the space that had once…not long ago…been filled only with anger.
Maybe this was the end of the anger…and maybe tomorrow was the beginning of…something new.
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EPILOGUE:
"Benny…Ya gotta talk ta the guy….He’s drivin’ me nuts here."
Constable Benton Fraser couldn’t hide his smile. It seemed that the old saying was true: The more things changed…the more they stayed the same.
It had been over a month since Ray Kowalski had gotten the medical release to return to active duty. In that time the three partners had settled into a relaxed and productive working relationship. It was a working relationship that was also enhanced by a growing friendship after hours.
It was a friendship that now found the three men about to help the 27th. District basketball team, decimate the local YMCA league team. As was always the case, Ray Vecchio was tastefully outfitted for the event.
"Well, Ray. As I’m sure your partner has explained to you…his appearance is part of a diabolical plan to lull the opposition into a false sense of optimism." Fraser cast a fond glance across court to where Ray Kowalski was taking some very awkward warm-up shots.
"Diabolical plan may ass!" Vecchio shook his head in disbelief. "He was born a Bag Lady…He’ll die a Bag Lady….I’m warnin’ ya Benny….I am gettin’ the guy a sign."
"I’m sure it would not be a detriment to his overall appearance, Ray."
Fraser was sure that Kowalski’s plan included aggravating his partner as well as distracting their opponents. The Mountie had to admit that this was just a little over the top…even for Ray Kowalski. His blond-headed partner was decked out in a pair of black, canvas Ked’s Red-Ball Hi-top basketball shoes, knee high white socks with red stripes around the top.
A pair of bright orange, knee length, spandex bicycle pants were partially covered by a pair of ancient, gray sweat pants that had been cut off at mid thigh. The Mountie had to wonder where his friend had ever found the bright purple tee shirt that topped off his outfit…probably the Goodwill Store…but now was not the time to ask. The logo on the tee shirt was from the Chicago Institute…Literary Club. Fraser was sure that the fact that Ray had worn his glasses right up to the point of taking the court was also part of the plan.
As the referee called the players too tip-off, Vecchio dropped his head and slowly made his way to the center circle.
"Geeze, Benny… What kind of message is this sending ta the other fellas….They’re gonna think I got no influence over the guy at all…I got a reputation to maintain here ya know…..I mean he’s suppose ta be my partner."
As the teams gathered around the circle, a rather large…rather rude member of the YMCA team did his best to get in Vecchio’s face. The Italian bit back his desired response and concentrated on the game.
The 27th controlled the tip off. Jack Huey passed the ball to Ray Kowalski who was instantly covered by the big goon that had been trying to cause Vecchio grief. The Mountie and Vecchio watched in fascination as a devilish gleam came into their partner’s eyes.
The thin blond faked left…spun right…and left the goon setting on the asphalt as he glided to the basket and laid it in.
Ray Vecchio moved over to the big man and offered him his hand.
He looked up in disbelief. "You guys slip in a ringer or what?….Who the hell is that guy?"
Vecchio shot Fraser a smile as he made his way back down court.
"Oh him?…that’s just my partner!"
THE END
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