Due South: Alliance

To: Linda…the driving force behind the completion of this task. (Translation: Nag…nag… nag)

But always sweetly and in the most imaginative ways.

This story is a sequel to Means to an End

TIME AND CHANGES

By Mary Ann Robinson

It had been a bad day at the 2-7. Lieutenant Harding Welsh sat in his darkened office and tried to put things in perspective. The attempted apprehension of a suspected bank robbery ring had gone dangerously wrong. The band of armed men had decided that a life in prison was not in their plans. In the gun battle that resulted from this decision two officers had been wounded and one young uniformed officer was killed. The young patrolman had been wounded and stranded out of the reach of medical help. One of Welsh’s Detectives had risked his own life to make his way to the downed man’s side, but even his valiant efforts had been in vain. The young man died in the arms of the Detective.

The Lieutenant turned his gaze to the three men just outside his office window. Detective Stanley Raymond Kowalski was slumped in the chair at Ray Vecchio’s desk. When Ray Vecchio had returned from undercover with the mob, the desk arrangement had been the easy part. After Welsh had assigned them as partners they had simply scrounged up an extra desk and butted it up against Kowalski’s so that the partners faced each other. Neither man could see the sense in arguing over something so unimportant, and it had allowed Ray Kowalski the comfort of keeping his back to the wall. But right now the comfort of his friends was what was needed. Ray Vecchio leaned against his desk his arms crossed tightly against his chest. His total focus was on the man who had been his replacement, and in the year and a half since his return had become his partner and friend as well. Kowalski had a dazed expression on his face, but Vecchio would occasionally force the blond to make eye contact, as he attempted to keep the younger man grounded with his soothing voice and calm presence. Constable Benton Fraser was standing beside the slender blond. Although the Mountie’s hand rested reassuringly on his partner’s shoulder his attention was divided between his friend and the bustle of the surrounding room. He appeared totally prepared to intercept any unwanted invasion of their space.

Welsh was relieved to see that they had taken the time to get Kowalski cleaned up and out of his blood soaked clothes. They were a good team. It hadn’t been easy, and it had taken a lot of time and effort, but not only had they overcome a lot of difficult history, but they had become close friends as well. The Lieutenant had often had doubts that the union would survive, but it had.

As the Lieutenant ran his rough hand over tired eyes he considered the three men before him. They were three very different men, but the common traits that they shared were the willingness to put their lives on the line for what was right and a fierce loyalty to each other.

Not long after Vecchio’s return, the powers that be, had insisted that Kowalski be transferred to another district. Lieutenant Harding Welsh had gone to the mat for him and had even threatened to turn in his shield if the slender blond was not allowed to stay under his command. He had understood the need for Kowalski to remain with the friends that were still helping him get past the lingering effects of the beating that had nearly taken his life. Welsh had known with certainty that if the young Detective had been shunted off into another district without the strong support he needed, he would have never survived.

The Lieutenant couldn’t help but smile at the irony of the whole situation. In the beginning it had been Fraser and Vecchio, and then it was Fraser and Kowalski, and for awhile, right after Vecchio’s return it had been Vecchio and Kowalski, but now the three men seemed to have found a good middle ground. Theirs was a partnership that had simply been built on a dogged determination to not let it fail.

Detective Raymond Vecchio had never been one of Welsh’s favorites. In the past the Italian could find more to whine about than a one legged man at an ass kickin’ contest, but Welsh had to give him credit, Ray Vecchio had done a lot to keep the three men together. When he had returned to find the mess that remained from the beating incident, it was Vecchio that had gotten Fraser and Kowalski talking again. But they had each done their share. Even Fraser, who of the three seemed to have the most difficulty dealing with anything of an emotional nature, had displayed the sense to for once relinquish his need to control every situation and allow himself to listen to the council of others. It hadn’t been easy for the Canadian to act on the advice given, but he had understood that the close friendship that he had once shared with Kowalski was worth any effort required. It all paid off. The friendship had survived, and in some ways was even stronger, but some things had changed. Welsh allowed himself a small smile as he realized that they had all changed. Life and its many obstacles have a way of doing that.

Welsh had done what he could. He had cheered for every step forward, and held his breath at the few steps back. Some were baby steps to be sure, but he had tried to be there for every one. It had been a difficult time for him as well, but he had found an ally. Mrs. Vecchio and Harding Welsh had turned out to be a formidable team. After Kowalski’s surgery the two had fallen into the habit of regular phone conversations to keep each other posted on the shaky progress of ‘their boys’. With the ability to cover both fronts; work and home, they had been better able to counter any setbacks.

Welsh’s attention was again drawn to the activity outside his window. Francesca Vecchio slowly approached the three men at the desk. The dark haired woman placed a hand on Kowalski’s knee as she knelt before him and carefully handed the blond a cup of coffee. A ghost of a smile crossed Ray’s face as he shakily accepted the hot drink. Welsh watched as Frannie finally straightened and placed a quick kiss on Ray’s forehead. It wasn’t the first time that the Lieutenant was glad that Frannie was still around. It seemed that she was the one person who could come even close to bringing out the old Ray Kowalski. The brother/ sister relationship that had at one time been a ruse had become genuine. If you messed with one, you would have to deal with the other, but between themselves they still fought like cats and dogs. It would be during these little sibling spats that the old mouthy, obnoxious Ray Kowalski would reappear. For Fraser and Welsh it never happened enough, but when it did they never missed the chance to set back and enjoy it.

Ray Vecchio suddenly glanced towards the Lieutenant’s office. He pushed himself away from the desk and started around to the office door. Welsh turned and waited for him to enter.

"Hey Lieu…When can we get outta here?"

"One of the guys from the shootin’ team will be here in a minute. They’ll need ta talk to Ray. Then ya can get him out of here." Welsh shot a quick glance back out the window. "How’s he holdin’ up?"

"Well Lieu…you know how he is. He figures he shoulda been able to do more, or do it better, or somethin’. But Ray’s tough. He’ll shake it off." Vecchio ran a hand over his thinning hair. "It’s just…You know?…The guy was just out of the academy…. a damn kid really…Kept tellin’ Ray it was all right. I mean the kids dyin’ in his arms and forgivin’ Ray for not bein’ able ta save him….Kinda got to him."

"Shit! That would get ta anyone." Welsh suddenly softened. "You guys are gonna stick with him tonight…right?"

Vecchio gave the older man a small smile. It never ceased to amaze him that of all the people to get through Welsh’s tough facade it would be that skinny, wild haired Pollack. Welsh had been his boss for a long time and he had never known the big man to allow himself to get too close to his men. With Ray it was different. Vecchio had noticed it his first day back. He had never known that there was a teddy bear hidden inside that rough exterior. It wasn’t until he had gotten to know Kowalski for himself that he had began to understand it.

"Yah Lieu…I already told him I was takin’ him back to the house tonight."

Welsh smiled with the understanding that to the three partners the term ‘house’ meant one thing: Ma Vecchio and her kitchen. That warm, cozy, kitchen and the woman who ruled there had played an important role in the maintenance of the unlikely partnership. Lieutenant Welsh suddenly felt much better.

The big man gave an understanding nod and watched as Vecchio turned and made his way back to his desk.

Change.

Time did it to everyone…even the whiney Italian.

WAR STORIES

Before Detective Raymond Vecchio had left for his undercover assignment he had a definite propensity to find fault with just about everything. His family drove him crazy. His job was just something else to complain about, and his partner?….The Mountie was a major source of aggravation. Or at least that was what he had thought. Once he had been removed from his old life, he had finally had the chance to really give it a close look. What he found surprised him. He didn’t have it so bad after all. He loved his family. He was good at his job. And to be honest he had the Mountie to thank for that. He was more than ready to come home. He had missed it all so much.

The advantages of his old life were made even clearer when he came home to find that the man who had been chosen to take his place considered it an incredibly good deal. Before he had left he would have found that really amazing and he had to admit that it didn’t say a lot for Kowalski’s former life, but being away from it for so long he now understood it’s attraction.

It would have been real easy to get kind of pissy about some stranger waltzing into your life and taking over so completely. Kowalski had taken over his family duties with no hesitation and had clicked with the Mountie so completely that it still caused him some occasional jealousy. To top it off the blond was a hell-of-a cop. Even before he teamed up with Fraser he had a better arrest record than Vecchio ever had. Once he had joined up with the Mountie their closure record was one of the best in the entire city. Mix that in with three citations and the fact that his Ma absolutely loved the guy, and getting pissed could have definitely been an option. As it turned out he never got the chance.

When he had come home to find the mess that had resulted from the beating, he felt he had no choice but to do his best to help put things right. All he had to do was to look at the sad shape of the Mountie and listen to the concerned pleas of his Ma to realize that it wasn’t going to be easy. It hadn’t taken long for him to realize though that his new ‘little brother’ was more than worth their concern and his effort. His time away had taught him not only to appreciate his life, but to also realize that it was worth sharing. He had allowed Ray Kowalski to remain in the family circle and it had been an intricate part in saving not only his life, but Fraser’s life as well.

As is often the case when one does a kindness for another, the gift is readily returned. Ray Kowalski had needed to be accepted. The effects of the beating had left emotional scars that many would have found hard to deal with, but Ray Vecchio had been willing to look past those scars. As it turned out Ray Vecchio had been scarred as well. Scarred by over a year of dealing with the seamy side of human nature. His time with the mob had left him confused about the worthiness of his fellow man. He was forced to become involved in some acts, that although not violent to the extreme, had far exceeded what he had been able to imagine himself capable. He had hoped to be able to handle the after effects himself, but although he could manage the waking hours it was the nights that had finally caught up with him. He had found help in a most unexpected place.

Ma Vecchio had insisted that after Ray Kowalski’s surgery he should once again return to the Vecchio home to mend. The thin blond was even more hesitant to impose himself on the family this time than he was after the beating. The return of her son should have signaled the end of his relationship with the woman who had opened her home to him. That thinking only showed how little Ray understood her capacity to love.

Mrs. Vecchio had felt a certain responsibility for Ray’s sad physical condition. He had lost a dangerous amount of weight as he had tried to fight his way through the pain that his damaged jaw was causing. Ma had known when he left her home that he was still having problems with it, but had assumed, as had everyone else, that it would get better with time. It hadn’t. When her son had called her to come to Ray’s apartment that day, the guilt that she had felt at seeing the terribly thin frame of her other ‘son’ was nearly overpowering. She had decided right then that it was her new mission in life to restore the thin blond to the best health possible. It had taken more than a little reassurance from Ray Vecchio and an open threat from his mother, but finally Kowalski had agreed to return to the house.

Initially the plan was for Ray to stay for a week. Just long enough to insure that he wouldn’t be alone if there were any complications from the surgery and to absorb a crash course on the joys of healthy eating via the wonders of a blender. As it turned out the first night had exposed a problem that no one had counted on.

Ma Vecchio had settled Ray into the guestroom, which as luck would have it, was right next to hers. It was just after midnight that she heard the sounds of distress. She had rushed to the room to find Ray in the middle of a panic attack and dangerously close to choking. The next day a long conversation with the doctor produced the theory that the feeling of restraint caused by the wired jaw had triggered memories of the beating. Those memories had manifested themselves in the form of a terrible nightmare, which was only compounded by waking in unfamiliar surroundings. That very day another bed was moved into her son’s bedroom and a totally embarrassed Ray Kowalski had a new roommate.

The first night neither man got much sleep. Ray Kowalski was afraid that he would have another nightmare, and Ray Vecchio was afraid that he would sleep right through it. The exhaustion caused from the first night left both men little choice the next night. As it turned out Kowalski discovered that it was less embarrassing to be quietly awakened then to arouse the entire household and scare Ma. For his part Vecchio discovered that he was able to awaken at the first sounds of the blonde’s struggles and talk him into wakefulness with quiet reassurances that he was ‘home’ and safe from any harm.

By the weekend Ray was often sleeping the night through and if not, Vecchio’s mumbled reassurances from the comfort of his own bed would calm the blond back to sleep without either man coming fully awake. By the time Ray Kowalski returned to work that Monday, a bond had been developed that would serve both men well in the year to come, and put Ray Vecchio on his own road to recovery.

After the events of the first week Ma had decided that at least one more week should be added to the blonde’s stay. For once Kowalski didn’t argue. He would have never admitted it, but it was nice to wake up in what he had come to find was a safe haven. He knew that even though his need for privacy would soon pull him back to his apartment he was going to miss the bustle of the Vecchio home.

It was Wednesday night of the second week. The partners had pulled an extra long shift. Welsh had insisted that the blond be restricted to desk duty until his jaw could be unwired. The Lieutenant had even insisted that everyone in the squadroom be briefed on the use of the small surgical wire-cutters that could free his jaw in the case of an emergency. But even with that, Kowalski had sweet-talked Vecchio into allowing him to tag along on a stake out. It had taken all of Kowalski’s considerable charm and a solemn vow to not leave the car, but he had finally gotten his way. By the time the partners made it back to the Vecchio home the skinny blond, who was really feeling the effects of it, had gone almost straight to bed. He was sound asleep by the time Vecchio had made his way to the room. Although tired as well it took the Italian a long time to finally fall into a fitful sleep.

It was just after 2:30 when Kowalski was awakened by the incoherent mumbling coming from the other bed. Thinking to return the kindness of Vecchio’s gentle handling of his own disturbed sleep the blond quietly got out of his bed and made his way to the other side of the room. Kowalski gently laid his hand on Vecchio’s shoulder and gave him a small shake.

"Ray?…"

In the next instant the slender blond found himself slammed against the wall. Vecchio’s hands were around his throat and his head was being bounced off the plaster. At first he attempted to grab Ray’s wrists and force his hands away from his neck but the Italian was too strong. Kowalski croaked Ray’s name over and over and moving his hands to his friend’s face tried to shake him out of his dream. It was obvious to the blond that he had made a big mistake by touching the Italian while the man was in the throes of a nightmare of his own. His friend’s eyes were clearly unfocused and the maniacal expression on his face was a mix of both anger and fear.

Lights began to sparkle at the edges of Kowalski’s vision. True fear gripped at his heart. It wasn’t just fear for himself, but fear for his friend as well. He knew the kind of terror that gripped the Italian and the terrible remorse that would fill him when he came to his senses. The blond could only pray that he would still be around to help his friend cope with that remorse.

Suddenly Vecchio went very still. Just as he began to release the grip that had been shutting off the air of his partner the bedroom door flew open. When the light flipped on, Ma Vecchio stood framed in the doorway, a shoe grasped in her hand. She watched in horror as her son came fully back to his senses. Ray jerked his hands away from Kowalski’s throat and watched in shock as his friend slid slowly down the wall. Still keenly aware of Vecchio’s probable response to his actions Kowalski fought for the air to reassure his friend. All he could manage was a weakly raised hand and a pleading expression.

Vecchio dropped to his knees before his friend and gently took the blonde’s face in his hands.

"Ray?…Ah…Geeze….I… Ray?….I’m sorry…so sorry…I just…" Kowalski placed his hand on the trembling arm of his friend. When Vecchio saw a small smile crease the face of the other man it was his undoing. The pale features of his partner still bore the bruising and stitches of his recent surgery and he had been banging his head against the wall. Suddenly his own shame was more than he could bear. He jumped shakily to his feet and ran from the room.

Ma Vecchio rushed to the blonde’s side and dropping the shoe helped him struggle to his feet. He swayed slightly and leaned heavily on the older woman as he fought to bring his breathing under control. He suddenly had a ringing headache and his jaw was reminding him of his recent surgery, but his thoughts were with his friend.

Ma Vecchio quickly studied the face before her. "Raymond?…What has happened here?…" Her eyes reflecting her shock and concern. "RAIMUNDO!….What has gotten into that boy…I will get to the bottom of this terrible thing he has done."

As soon as she felt that the blond was sufficiently recovered Ma turned and would have been out the door if not for the strong hand on her arm.

"It’s all right Ma…He was dreamin’…He didn’t know what he was doin’" Kowalski gently took both of Ma Vecchio’s hands in his and made her look him in the eye. "He was havin’ a nightmare Ma and I took a hold a him….It was my fault…I shoulda known better…He didn’t mean it."

"Oh my sweet babies….both my dear boys….such bad dreams." Ma gently pulled her hand out of Ray’s grip and gently laid it against his bruised jaw. "What am I to do?"

"I’ll take care of this, Ma. Right now what you can do is go down to the kitchen, put on a pot a coffee and then go back to bed." Ma Vecchio was secretly pleased at the calm way that her Raymond was taking over. He was such a strong boy. "I’ll talk to Ray. He’s gonna be upset enough without you yellin’ at him. I’ll make him understand that it’s all right. He helped me…now it’s my turn to help him….Capice?"

"Si Caro." Ma Vecchio couldn’t hide her smile as Ray hurried past her and out the door. "Such a good boy."

Ray Vecchio stood on the porch of his mother’s house. His arms wrapped around himself in the vain attempt to keep warm. It was a little too early in the year to be outside with no jacket and bare feet, but the discomfort was deserved. He could still feel his friend’s throat under his hands and could still see the look of fear in those blue eyes. My God, hadn’t the guy been through enough in his life without having his partner try to kill him. And that smile…that damn smile. Vecchio had read the forgiveness in that smile and right now that forgiveness was nearly more than he could bear. He hadn’t known this guy that long but the man’s capacity for forgiveness was amazing. Kowalski had forgiven Fraser for his part in the beating, and the lack of communication afterwards with such ease. Or was it more a case of finding fault with himself? The blond seemed to have a huge capacity for that as well…That would probably be the first thing out of the kid’s mouth… ‘It was my fault for grabbin’ ya.’ Ray Vecchio fought back the tears with the anger that those thoughts caused him. It was his fault…not Kowalski’s ….He had almost killed his own partner.

The Italian’s painful thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the front door. He dropped his head in shame, afraid to face whoever had found the nerve to follow him. He felt a warm coat settled over his trembling shoulders, and strong hands that lingered there just long enough to give them a reassuring squeeze.

Ray risked a quick glance to the side and couldn’t hide the smile at what he saw. Kowalski stood beside him. The thin blond was nearly lost, hunched inside their Ma’s heavy wool winter coat…Flowery scarf, gaudy broach and all. Skinny legs and bony feet protruding from the bottom and wild spiky hair made even wilder from sleep, poking out the top.

"You okay?" As he spoke Kowalski again laid a hand on his friend’s shoulder. "It was my fault for gabbin’ ya like that…I’m sorry."

"Ah Geeze….I knew you’d say that." Vecchio stepped out from under Ray’s hand and moved to the end of the porch. "Damn it Ray….I coulda killed ya….I almost did. I’m the one that needs to be apologizin’, not you…Geeze."

"I know you think you’re pretty tough Vecchio….but you couldn’t a killed me." Even in the face of this difficult situation the Italian couldn’t resist the challenge in that statement.

"Oh right…You were about to pass out by the time I let ya go…ya dumb Polack."

"Maybe I was…but you still couldn’ta got it done." Vecchio turned to face the smiling eyes of his partner.

"And just how do you figure that?…Geeze."

"Easy….Ya dumb Wop….My Ma woulda beat ya ta death with her shoe."

Both men dissolved into a giggling fit as the tension drained away. A moment later the two friends stood in silence, each aware of what could have happened. Vecchio at last broke the silence.

"Listen Ray…I am sorry…It was just…"

"Bad dream…I know…believe me I know"

"Yah…Guess ya do…But still…"

"Don’t worry about it Ray. You’re allowed ya know. You don’t always have to be the strong one." Vecchio couldn’t help but shudder at the keen perception of his friend. "You’ve done a hell-of-a-job since you’ve been back…But you’re not super-man…Okay?…I know what that undercover shit can do to a guy…so hey… You’re allowed."

Vecchio couldn’t help but give a small snort of laughter. "You know huh? Like going under cover as me was so rough?"

The blond smiled back at his friend. "Hey…I had ta deal with the Mountie didn’t I ?" Vecchio watched a flicker of pain work across his friend’s expressive face as he continued. "It’s not like that was my first undercover gig."

The thin blond could feel the stare of the other man and self-consciencely dropped his gaze. He hadn’t meant to say that. Vecchio immediately picked up on his friend’s discomfort.

"What happened Ray?"

The blond turned sad eyes towards his partner and shrugged his shoulders. "Let’s just say…As much as they wanted Ray Vecchio to be here….They wanted Ray Kowalski to be gone even more."

The thin Italian studied his friend closely. He was again amazed at the feelings that rushed through him. He had the same protective nature towards this man as he would have for anyone else in his family. He knew it wasn’t just his mother’s influence. He had much the same feeling in regards to a certain Mountie. He had never had a brother…and now it seemed he had two. As he watched, Kowalski gave a slight grimace and laid his hand up against the side of his jaw.

"Your jaw hurtin’ ya Ray?"

"A little…The cold air makes it ache some…that’s all."

"Oh…like my bouncin’ your head off the wall doesn’t have anything to do with it?" As he spoke Vecchio grabbed the heavy sleeve of his mother’s coat and turned his partner back towards the door. "Let’s go in and get warmed up."

The two men made their way to the kitchen. Vecchio wasn’t all that surprised to smell fresh brewed coffee. Two coffee cups were placed on the table. The friends exchanged a warm smile when they noticed the bottle of liquid Tylenol placed beside one cup and a small plate of cookies by the other. Ma Vecchio had thought of everything. As Kowalski poured the coffee Vecchio took a small water bottle from the refrigerator and handing it to his friend, nodded toward the medication.

"Chaser…Get that in ya…We got some talking to do." Vecchio couldn’t hide his smile as he saw the pained expression cross the thin face of his partner. "What did you mean out there about them wantin’ you gone?"

Kowalski spent an amazing amount of time getting himself settled in the chair…getting his coffee cup positioned in just the right place…taking the Tylenol…one small sip at a time….helping Ray pick out just the right cookie.

"Quit stallin’ Kowalski…Talk ta me here."

The thin blond finally sighed deeply and began to speak. "I got sent into a District on the North side. I was assigned to work undercover for Internal Affairs….They knew there was dirty dealin’ goin’ on in the District and they sent me in to see if I could find it." Kowalski shot a quick glance at his friend. To most cops IA was the enemy.

Vecchio nodded his head in amazement. "Oh man…I remember that …Hell of a big stink….A lot of top cops went down over that deal"

The thin Italian could have bit his tongue when he saw his friend drop his head and attempt to chew on his bottom lip. He quickly reached over and gave the blonde’s thin shoulder a reassuring squeeze.

"It’s all right Ray…A bad cop, is a bad cop. They give every good cop out there a bad name…If it takes an IA operation to clean it up, that’s the way it goes. At least they had the sense to call in a good cop ta do their work for ‘em."

Kowalski gave his partner a thankful smile as he continued. "Yah…Well anyway…They sent me and another guy in there. It took us almost a year ta get enough evidence to file a formal complaint…Man when that thing got filed….Talk about a shit-storm….Hell… You know how it goes…Some guys went down who shouldn’t have, and some of ‘em that shoulda,… walked. Either way, me and Macy had to testify. By the time the thing came to trial there had been so many threats on our lives that we spent nearly the whole trial hid away in some hotel room. When it was over we both had ta get the hell out a Dodge. Macy had planned on movin’ to the Southwest anyway so he transferred to Flagstaff, Arizona. Ray Kowalski? Officially he went on loan to the Illinois State Police Detective Unit down in Springfield, but we both know where he really ended up."

Ray Kowalski was surprised at the load that seemed to be removed from his shoulders. He looked at the man across the table and smiled as broadly as his wired jaw would allow. "Ya know…You’re the first person I ever told. I mean Welsh knew…but I never even told Fraser. Didn’t want him to worry."

The two men sat in silence for a moment. Suddenly Vecchio stiffened, the color draining from his face. "What about now?…..Geeze…Ray. Your back usin’ your real name…You’re sayin’ you didn’t want Fraser to worry?…And you were a Vecchio then…What about now?"

Kowalski gave his partner a sheepish smile. "I’ve had one call…But I could tell they weren’t sure they had the right guy…so I played dumb. Not much of a stretch for me huh?"

"That ain’t funny Ray…I’m serious here." Vecchio impatiently ran his hand through his thinning hair.

"Don’t worry Vecchio…It’s been a long time ago now…and when I went in up there I went in as Stanley Kowalski. Now I go by Ray."

"And you really think that’s enough?…Man oh man. I ain’t the only one that needs eyes in the back of his head." Vecchio gave his friend a withering look, but got only a crooked little smile in response.

"Your turn." An ornery wink quickly joined the smile.

"What?" As hard as he tried the Italian couldn’t help but smile back.

"I told ya my war story….Now you gotta tell me yours."

The Italian studied his friend carefully. He wasn’t too sure if he hadn’t been set up for this. It wasn’t a story that he was to eager to tell, but he also realized that if anyone could understand his feelings it would be this man. This was something that Fraser would have a hard time understanding. For the Mountie, right and wrong were as simple as black and white. Fraser wouldn’t be able to justify the many shades of gray that were present in the undercover work that the two Chicago Detectives had been involved in. Kowalski had lived with the near constant fear of being exposed, and the realization that the assignment may never be completely over. As long as there was one person remaining who had been affected by their investigations a possible threat remained.

"Quit stallin’ Vecchio…talk ta me here." Kowalski got a dirty look for his choice of words, but with a resigned sigh Vecchio began his story.

It was just before 6:00 am when Ma Vecchio made her way down to her kitchen. The two bleary-eyed men who sat hunched over their coffee cups looked up in surprise.

"Ah Geeze." Ray Vecchio looked at the clock in despair. "Oh man Kowalski…We gotta be at work in an hour and a half."

"Oh no you don’t!" Ma stretched up to her full height and crossing her arms across her chest gave each of her ‘sons’ a look, which clearly showed the foolhardiness of any argument. "I will call Lieutenant Welsh and I will tell him that you will be in at 12:00. You boys will go upstairs right now and get some sleep. I don’t want to see either of you until at least 11….Do you understand?"

"But Ma…" Before Vecchio could complete his thought Kowalski laid a restraining hand on his arm.

"On one condition…" Ma looked at her ‘youngest’ and saw the sparkle in his blue eyes. "We get to listen in when you make the call."

Fifteen minutes later the two men were back upstairs. Ray Vecchio lay in his bed, staring at the ceiling. He was amazed at how much better he felt. Once he had begun his story the words had tumbled out of his mouth in a rush. He hadn’t realized how much he had needed to get some of that stuff off his chest. The thin blond had listened carefully; at times placing a calming hand on the Italian’s bony shoulder. Ray could tell by the blonde’s scattered comments that he did understand….and it was alright. Kowalski had made it clear that any time he needed to talk about it, he would be there to listen. The Italian understood that he may never get totally past the memories of what he had been forced to do, and he was sure that there would be other nights when he found it necessary to bend his friend’s ear, but it was a beginning.

Ray Vecchio raised up on his elbows. He was just about to thank his partner for making him talk when he heard a soft snore from the other bed. Ray shook his head in wonder. In the short time that Kowalski had been in bed he already had half the covers kicked off. Vecchio quietly got out of bed and moved to his partner’s side. As he pulled the covers up over his friend he couldn’t help but notice the mild bruising that had formed on the pale skin of Ray’s throat. A wave of guilt began to build. The Detective pushed it aside with determination. His friend had forgiven him…It was alright. He hated what had happened, but if it was the catalyst behind the change he could feel in his soul…It was worth it….He would thank his friend later today….and every day for a long time to come.

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Lieutenant Welsh was brought out of his reverie by a soft tap on the office door. The big man turned to find Internal Affair’s shooting team member Bob Marlow leaning casually against the doorframe.

"Hey Bobby…come on in." Harding Welsh allowed himself an internal sigh of relief. Bobby Marlow was a good man. Welsh had worked with the former Vice Detective on more than one occasion. A growing family, imminent burnout and a bullet to the thigh had forced the younger man to rethink his future and transfer to a position that kept him safely off the streets.

"How’s it goin’ Lieu." A warm smile creased the Detective’s face as he moved into the room and shook Harding’s offered hand. "They sent me down here to talk to Kowalski. How’s he doin’?"

"Ah..Hell…Kowalski’s tough…He’ll be fine. I’m just glad they sent you." Welsh quickly dropped his gaze to the floor. His embarrassment surprised Marlow, but out of respect for the older man he refused to show it.

Welsh quickly moved to his office door. "KOWALSKI….MY OFFICE…NOW."

Bob Marlow shook his head in amusement…some things never changed. He watched as a thin blond headed Detective made his way to the Lieutenant’s side. He was no longer surprised to see Welsh drape his arm across the younger man’s shoulders as he spoke a few words of encouragement. After the introductions had been made, the Lieutenant excused himself and closing the door behind him slowly made his way towards Vecchio’s desk.

Ray Vecchio straightened his shoulders as the Lieutenant approached. "That’s Bobby Marlow isn’t it?"

"Yah…Glad ta say." Welsh rubbed his big hand across his weathered face. "It probably won’t take too long…how ‘bout we go grab a cup a coffee?"

Fraser quickly rubbed his thumb along his brow. "Are you sure we shouldn’t just wait here?" As he spoke the Mountie’s gaze was directed through the window at the two men in Welsh’s office.

Vecchio and Welsh exchanged a bemused smile. Even after all this time Fraser was still reluctant to accept the fact that he couldn’t always protect his friends from the harsh realities of their profession. The Mountie had been busy with Consulate matters when the confrontation with the bank robbers had occurred. Knowing the calming effect that the Canadian’s presence would provide Kowalski; Vecchio had called him as soon as possible. Welsh had seen the look on Fraser’s face when he had first entered the squadroom. The fear that was reflected on his pale features was tinged with guilt. The sight of his partner covered in blood had driven the fact home to the Mountie that it could just have easily been Kowalski who had fallen in the line of duty. And Benton Fraser hadn’t been there.

"Benny…Don’t start…You hear me you crazy Canadian?" Vecchio quickly grabbed the Mountie by the arm and turned him towards the break room. "We have been over this a million times…Ray is not gonna shatter. He’s a good cop…He handled himself just fine today."

"I’m sure he did Ray, but…."

"No buts Benny…I can see you workin’ up to another one of your guilt trips…And you and I both know how Ray would feel about that…Right?"

"That may very well be Ray…But I can’t help but think that if I would have been there…"

"no…No…NO !" Vecchio brought his friend up short and turned him so that they stood face to face.

"I was there Benny…I couldn’t do anything….The Lieutenant was there….and he couldn’t do anything. Ray handled it…all by himself…and now…Well…Now we can help…and that’s what we’re doin’. The guys that shot the cop are the guilty ones Benny…Not me…Not the Lieutenant…and sure as hell not you. Got it?!"

Fraser dropped his head and stood very still. It seemed a long time before he once again raised his head and met Vecchio’s angry eyes.

"You are right. It isn’t my fault…and Ray will not shatter…and he definitely wouldn’t like it." The Mountie gave his partner a slightly embarrassed smile. "And maybe someday I will have reached a point where you will not find it necessary to remind me."

"Well Benny…I ain’t gonna hold my breath…but at least you’ve learned ta listen to me…At least when it comes ta this." Vecchio laid his arm across his friend’s shoulders and again headed for the break room.

Lieutenant Harding Welsh shook his head as he followed the two men down the hall. The Mountie had learned to listen. Turning loose of his guilt had not come easy for Fraser, but in the last year he had learned that guilt could get in the way of even the best friendships.

Change.

It had not come easy for Constable Benton Fraser, but it had come.

SURRENDER

Benton Fraser had lived his life on the inflexible code of his honor and his duty. For most of his years those things had served him well. Granted his code had probably cost him any possibility of advancement in his chosen profession, but Fraser had found that a worthy sacrifice. The one time in his life when he had wavered from it, it had very nearly cost him his life and the friendship of one Detective Ray Vecchio. That particular incident had left him even surer of the necessity to remain true to those things that he understood. It wasn’t until he had nearly allowed that inflexibility to cost him the life of a friend that he was forced to re-evaluate his life’s standards. He had found his actions appalling, and it had shaken him to the core.

He knew in his heart that Ray Kowalski was as good a man as Benton Fraser could ever hope to be. Ray never felt the need to expound on the virtues of honor and duty, and although his tactics were often rather questionable, in the end Ray Kowalski never failed to at least try to do the right thing. To risk the life of such a man because of one’s rigid inflexibility was, in the Mountie’s estimation, inexcusable. The realization that more liberal thinking and quicker action could have spared the thin blond at least a portion of the terrible beating that he had received was a burden that Benton Fraser was now forced to live with.

The physical sufferings of his friend were bad enough, but the emotional damage that resulted not only from the beating, but the betrayal of one of the few people who had earned his trust, had left wounds that may never be completely healed. For that, Benton Fraser felt responsible.

When Ray Kowalski had entered the Mountie’s life he brought an energy and sparkle that before had been lacking. Although the energy remained the sparkle had very nearly disappeared. The light that Ray had once shown to the world seemed now to be strictly reserved for only the few that he had allowed to remain within his carefully guarded circle. Each reminder of his friend’s obvious change caused a new prick of guilt for the Canadian.

Once Ray Vecchio had returned and forced the two struggling partners to face their problems, Fraser came to realize that in order to salvage the friendship he must come to terms with his guilt. It had worked…up to a point. The friendship was restored, but the guilt remained. Compressed, suppressed and filed away from the prying eyes of his friends…but the guilt remained. As long as he could keep his Mountie mask firmly in place no one would know…or so he thought.

It was just before 6:00 am on a Thursday morning when Mrs. Vecchio heard a light tapping against the window of the back porch door. For Ma, it was no cause for alarm. It wasn’t unusual for Mrs. Parnelli from across the alley, or her second cousin Mary Rose from down the street to drop in for a quick cup of coffee after seeing their men off to work. Her surprise was obvious when she opened the door to reveal a certain Chicago flat foot with experimental hair.

"Sorry Ma….ain’t Mrs. Parnelli this time."

"Raymond…Caro." She instantly embraced him in a warm hug and pecked him quickly on the cheek. "Who needs Mrs. Parnelli when I can have such a handsome man come to my door? She would only tell me the same old story as yesterday…and the day before…Come in…I have coffee."

As Ma busied herself with the coffee she took careful inventory of the thin blond who had found a seat at her table. It was clear from the bloodshot eyes and the nervous exhaustion that seemed to vibrate off the thin form that her Raymond had not seen his bed in too long. It had been nearly two weeks since the wires had been removed from Ray’s jaw. Although her efforts had put some weight back on the blond he was still painfully thin, and for Mrs. Vecchio his physical well being was, as always, a major priority. She somehow knew though that his appearing at her door this early had nothing to do with the need for a good meal.

"What brings my troubled boy to his Ma this early? Raimundo won’t be up for another hour and neither of you have to be at work before eight." As she spoke the older woman stepped behind Ray’s chair. She carefully bent to place her cheek against his and crossing her arms over his bony chest gently rocked him from side to side. "What is it that keeps my sweet Raymond from his sleep?"

"It ain’t nothin’ like that Ma…I just…You know." As he fabricated his reply he covered Ma’s aging hands with his and tapped them in time with the rocking. "Just couldn’t sleep..so I figured I’d come on over and see my best girl before I start my day of crime fightin’."

Mrs. Vecchio chuckled lightly and pulled herself away. She dropped a quick kiss on the top of Ray’s head and then after roughly mussing his hair took a seat across the table from him.

"My sweet Raymond….Do you know the terrible price that young men pay for lying to their Mothers?" Mrs. Vecchio smiled as she watched Ray drop his embarrassed gaze to his coffee cup. "Do I look like such a bad mother that I can not tell when one of mine is hurting?"

Ray jerked his head up. "No Ma…You’re great…It’s just…Really. I just couldn’t’ get ta sleep…and I knew you’d be up…’Cause ya know?… You’re always up early….and I know that…and like I said I couldn’t…You know?…It ain’t like I didn’t try ta get some sleep…but I…"

"Shh..Caro…If Benton were here he would say you are blithering….But me?…I know you are tired, and there is something on your mind." As she spoke Ma covered Ray’s hand with hers and gave it a gentle squeeze. "If you don’t want to talk to me about it, talk to my Raimundo, or to Fraser."

"Yah right….Fraser!" Ray shot to his feet and began to pace across the kitchen. "Listen Ma…I shouldn’t a come over here…I’m sorry…I just…Geeze…He just makes me so mad sometimes I could spit."

"Not on my floor young man!"

Ma watched as her words finally penetrated his fatigued brain. The thin blond stopped in his tracks and couldn’t contain the small smile that creased his pale features. All of the steam seemed to drain from him as he did a slow about-face and returned to his seat.

"I’m sorry Ma….I shouldn’t be botherin’ you with this." Ray rested his elbows on the table and propped his head in his hands. "And I ain’t gonna spit on your floor either….I may be damaged…but I ain’t stupid."

Ma Vecchio studied her ‘son’ carefully. That minor little outburst had explained a lot. She carefully reached across the table and taking him by the wrists slowly lowered his hands.

"You listen to me Raymond. There is no way that you will ever be a bother to me. You are my sweet blue-eyed boy, and to me you are precious." Ma smiled warmly as she saw the tears instantly spring into Ray’s bloodshot eyes. "Who else do you have Caro? Your poppa and momma are in Arizona…The only brothers that you have are also your partners….and if you are having a problem with them?…Then who does that leave for you to talk too?"

Ray shrugged his shoulders in defeat. His attempt at a reply ended up a deep shuddering sigh.

"What has Benito done to upset you Caro?"

"Ray didn’t tell ya what happened yesterday?"

"I didn’t really get to talk to him. I wasn’t here when he got home from work, and later he took Maria and the kids to the movies. I’m afraid this old woman was in her bed by the time they got home." Mrs. Vecchio gave the blonde’s wrists a gentle squeeze. "Raymond, you tell your Ma what happened."

The slender blond took a deep breath and chewed his bottom lip for a moment before he made his reply. He hated to dump this on Mrs. Vecchio, but he felt that if he didn’t get some of this off his chest soon he would burst. When he finally began to explain what had happened his voice was a flat monotone and not much above a raspy whisper.

"We was chasin’ this perp down by the docks. Ray went one way, me and Fraser went the other, and we were gonna trap this guy in the middle. Everything was goin’ good too…and then the guy pulls up short and spins around….Next thing I know I’m flat on the ground with a certain Mountie practically layin’ on top a me. Damn near broke my elbow…my gun went flyin’…Geeze…If it wouldna been for Ray the scum-bucket woulda got away." Ray gave a sad shake of his head as he continued. "He acts like I can’t do my job anymore or somethin’…It’s crazy…I’m the one with the gun and he knocks me outta the way like I’m some kinda stupid rookie."

"You have been through so much Caro…I’m sure Benton is just afraid for you." Ma hated the sadness reflected in the blonde’s blue eyes. "He doesn’t want to see you get hurt…That’s all."

"Never worried him before…Always riskin’ my life in wildly bizarre ways. It’s like…Ever since…that …that beatin’ thing…It’s like he thinks I’m gonna go to pieces on him or somethin’…Like I’m not gonna be any good if he needs me….Like… He don’t trust me anymore." Ray fought hard to swallow the lump that was rising in his throat.

"And it ain’t just what happened yesterday either….Ever since…well you know…He can’t hardly look at me without getting’ this funny kinda look on his face and it just….Shit…I don’t know…."

"Tell me Raymond….Tell me what you are thinking. Your Ma will understand." As she spoke Mrs. Vecchio gently laid her hand along Ray’s jaw, trying to sooth the story out of her struggling ‘son’.

"What else has happened to make you think these things?"

"Lotsa things Ma….But the other day…I…We….Shit!" Ray suddenly threw himself back in the chair and ran his hand through his hair in frustration. Ma quickly grabbed his other hand and gave it a hard squeeze.

"Slowly Caro….Just tell me."

Ray took a deep calming breath and shook his head sadly. When he resumed the story his voice held the same flatness as before.

"We were in the squadroom…Fraser and me…We were in the middle of this big discussion about some case…There were these two ole guys in there that had been fightin’ in some bar somewhere….And they’re still kinda mouthin’ at each other…The one fella jumps up outta his chair like he’s gonna start whalin’ on someone again…and I grab him by the shoulder and spin him around…And I guess I spun him too fast or somethin’ ‘cause he loses his lunch all over the front of my shirt….And then I’m thinkin’ I’m gonna lose my lunch too…and Fraser gets all tickled and hustles me off to the locker room to get me cleaned up. We get in there and by then I’m thinkin’ it’s kinda funny too…and we’re laughin’ and makin’ jokes about it…and I jerk my tee shirt up over my head, and I kinda got it stuck for a minute…and when I finally get myself loose I get a look at Fraser, and he’s just standin’ there….starin’ at me…and it looks like…I mean…He…I thought he was gonna puke." Ray gently pulled himself loose from Ma’s grip and rising from his seat began a slow agitated circuit of the kitchen. "Damn…It was like I could feel that look burnin’ a hole right through my skin…I mean…I know I still need ta put on some weight…In fact…Shit… I know I’m scrawny and I got some scars, but…I ain’t no freak! And I damn sure don’t need his pity."

Mrs. Vecchio sat in silence for a moment. She could easily remember being a witness to exactly what Ray was describing. The Mountie had come over to the Vecchio home often while Ray was recovering from both the beating and the surgery. She had caught the look of sadness that crossed Benton’s face when he happened to see some of the many reminders of Ray’s injuries. She knew that in a way Fraser found his friend’s condition revolting, but she understood that it had nothing to do with Ray, but rather the Mountie’s conviction that it was in some way his fault. She had prayed then that it was something her Raymond would never see, but it appeared now, that her prayer had been in vain.

Ray had stopped his pacing at the back window. His arms were wrapped tightly across his chest. As Ma rose from the table and began her approach Ray made a quick almost brutal swipe at the tears that were working their way down his cheeks. Ma gently turned him into a comforting hug, and pulled his head down to rest on her shoulder.

"Shhh Caro…Hush now…Everything will be all right." The older woman slowly rocked him back and forth as she tried to sooth his trembling. Ray struggled to get his emotions under control…but he suddenly found himself to be incredibly tired.

"I just don’t know if I can do it Ma." As he spoke, Ma gently pushed him away enough to see his face, but he couldn’t meet her eyes. "I don’t know if I can keep doin’ this. Bein’ a cop is the only thing I ever been any good at…and now…If all he can see when he looks at me is a busted up piece a crap…I don’t know…I…I just don’t think I could take it if Fraser don’t trust me anymore."

Mrs. Vecchio again enfolded him in a warm hug. She gave him a few moments to compose himself before leading him back to the table. She slowly poured them both a fresh cup of coffee before setting down and gathering his thin hand in hers.

"I know you are tired Caro…But you must listen to your Ma. Benito loves you…just as he loves my Raimundo. No matter how badly you are scarred and no matter how scrawny, in Benito’s eyes you would never be anything, but a precious friend. What you think is pity is not that at all…But you must not get angry when I tell you…What you see is guilt." Mrs. Vecchio quickly raised her hand to stop Ray’s attempted interruption. "Hush Caro….Listen to me. We both know that what happened to you was not Benito’s fault, but he still feels that he could have spared you at least some of it if he would have acted quicker. I know that you forgave him for all of that…and for the distance that came between you afterwards…But I don’t think he has forgiven himself. When he sees your scars and your pain…he sees his hand doing it. What you see as a lack of trust is fear… fear that someday you will be hurt again…and he won’t be able to prevent it….Fear that someday he will lose you…as he has lost so many in his life. If he didn’t love you Caro…he would not be afraid."

"I forgave him Ma…long time ago." Ray slowly lowered his head to rest on his arm.

"I know Raymond…It’s easy to forgive the ones you love. It isn’t always so easy to forgive yourself."

Ray raised his head enough to look into Ma’s concerned eyes.

"Whadda we do?…I don’t know what ta do." The utter despair in those words nearly broke her heart.

"We will think of something, Caro…and we will be patient." Ma studied the blonde’s haggard face and bleary eyes. "That is what we will do for Benton…For my sweet Raymond?…Bed."

Ray straightened himself and began to shake his head. "Ma…I gotta be at work in an hour…I …"

"That is an hour you can sleep…a little is better than none at all…How can you get through a day of crime fighting with no sleep?"

Before Ray could mount a defense his Ma had hustled him into the living room and had him stretched out on the couch under a quilt. He was asleep almost instantly.

It was only moments later when Detective Raymond Vecchio made his way down the stairs. His mother met him, a finger held over her lips to signal for quiet. As Ma led her son through the living room she pointed to the sleeping form on her couch.

"Come Raimundo….We must talk."

It was late afternoon. Ray Vecchio sat at his desk carefully observing his partners. Kowalski had come flying onto the squadroom a little after ten that morning, looking like he had slept in his clothes, which he had. Vecchio had to give him credit. He didn’t think anyone could sleep through Maria’s kids getting ready for school, but his partner had obviously needed any sleep he could get. The Mountie hadn’t made his appearance until only an hour ago. As always Fraser looked like he had just stepped out of a cigarette ad: minus the cigarette, of course.

Ray had spent all morning mulling over what his mother had told him about Kowalski’s early morning visit. He had spent most of the afternoon kicking himself for not noticing what was now quite obvious. The relationship between Fraser and Kowalski had definitely taken a slide. He wanted to blame his oversight on the distraction caused by the pretty new brunette down in records, but he knew it was more a case of assuming that if there were a problem he would be the first to notice. Well, so much for that assumption.

He hadn’t really understood what had happened yesterday. All he knew was that a very angry Ray had ended up on the ground with a sore elbow. The Italian had just assumed, once again wrongly, that Kowalski had just gotten himself tripped up and taken a header. He had no idea that Fraser had knocked him down in a misguided attempt to protect him. As the thin Italian thought back on the last few weeks there were other indicators of a growing rift between his two friends. Kowalski had been slowly slipping back into the same routine he had adopted when Vecchio had first returned. He was avoiding the Mountie. Ray could tick off at least three times this week alone, when his blond-headed friend had made some lame excuse to go home alone rather then spend any more time with Benton Fraser than absolutely necessary.

Vecchio had often seen the look that would cross the Mountie’s face when he was reminded of the injuries that Ray had suffered. In fact yesterday morning was a good example. Although it didn’t happen often anymore, Kowalski would still get an occasional spasm in one of his rib muscles. It never amounted to much, but sometimes when he sneezed or if he just moved too quickly the wrong way the muscle would knot up to remind him of it’s past abuse. When Fraser had walked into the squad room Ray was bent over, his arms braced against his desk, as Vecchio attempted to knead the muscle into relaxing. Vecchio had thought the situation funny until he had looked up to see the expression on Fraser’s face. It was only now though that he remembered how Ray had stiffened under his hands and then had turned to greet Fraser with the same reserved shyness that he had shown towards the Mountie after the beating.

Vecchio knew Ray Kowalski well enough now to know what was going on. It was hard for Kowalski to see that Benton Fraser may be anything less than perfect, therefore if things were going wrong it had to be his fault. If the Mountie couldn’t trust him, how could he trust himself? Vecchio agreed with his Ma. It wasn’t a lack of trust that Ray was seeing, but fear. Fear driven by guilt. Fraser had hidden it well, but now the secret was out. If Benny couldn’t get a handle on his feelings of guilt it was going to drive a wedge between him and Kowalski that could cost them their friendship.

Even now as he watched his partners working together over Frannie’s computer Vecchio could see some warning signs. Fraser was deep into some long-winded exposition on his interpretation of the facts before them. Although listening attentively Ray’s eyes reflected his sadness. Vecchio now understood that sadness. Kowalski was sure he was losing his best friend…again…and he didn’t know what to do to stop it.

Ray straightened in his chair as his two friends approached.

"Well…you guys find anything we can use?"

"Yes Ray, as a matter of fact we were able to appropriate the address of a plumbing supply distributor. Unfortunately they close at noon on Thursdays so we will be unable to follow this line of investigation until tomorrow morning." Fraser absently thumbed through their notes as he continued. "I believe that the Inspector will allow me the day off as there seems to be a link with a company based in Toronto."

Vecchio didn’t miss the pained look that quickly crossed Kowalski’s face. Oh boy…this was worse than he thought. The thin Italian gave himself a solid mental kick in the butt for not noticing this days ago. He suddenly had a pretty good idea of how the rest of the afternoon was going to play out. He was right on target.

The partners spent the next two hours organizing the notes they had accumulated over the two weeks of their investigation of the plumbing parts hijacking case. It was nearly 6:00 when they felt they had done as much as they could before the visit to the distributor in the morning.

"Hey…I don’t know about you guys…But I’m ready to blow this pop stand. Let’s go get a bite to eat and call it a day." Vecchio grabbed his jacket from the back of his chair as he stood. He wasn’t at all surprised at Kowalski’s reply.

"Uh…You guys go ahead. I came in a little late this morning…so..uh…I told Welsh I’d stay over a bit and get those reports done on the B&E we wrapped up last week." As he spoke the thin blond began to nervously shuffle through the papers on his desk. "I’ll see you guys in the morning."

"Are you sure Ray?" Frase gave his partner an appraising look. "I would think that with as many late nights as you have been putting in lately that the Leftenant wouldn’t mind if you joined us for dinner."

"You don’t understand Benny….I think Ray is exaggerating just a bit." Vecchio was more than willing to get Ray off the hook in order to have a chance to talk to the Mountie alone. "He wasn’t just ‘a little’ late this morning…the dummy didn’t come blowin’ in here until after 10:00. Even Welsh’s golden boy can’t get away with that…Right Kowalski?"

When Kowalski saw Vecchio’s conspiratorial wink he shot his partner a slightly sad, but thankful smile. He knew that Ma wouldn’t have let Ray out of the house this morning without filling him in on their early morning visit. The thin blond wasn’t sure what Ray would do with the information, but he was surprised to find that he trusted him enough not to worry about it. It was a good feeling…and it helped, but it couldn’t fill the hole that had been forming in his gut over the idea of losing his friendship with Fraser.

Vecchio was driving the Mountie back to the Consulate after a leisurely meal at Antonio’s. It was now or never. This wasn’t a conversation that he really was looking forward too, but it had to be done.

"Benny? You got any idea why Ray was so late this morning?" Vecchio didn’t miss Fraser quickly running his thumb over his brow.

"No. As a matter of fact I wasn’t even aware that he had come into work late until just before we left." Fraser took a quick, rather unsteady breath before he continued. "It appears as if he hasn’t been sleeping well lately and I just assumed that it had finally caught up with him. When he gets overly tired it isn’t unusual for him to sleep through his alarm."

"So…What is it?…Are ya tryin’ ta tell me that he ain’t talkin’ to ya or what?" Ray could tell by the sudden slump of his friend’s shoulders that he had been half expecting this conversation. "’Cause it could be Benny when a guy can’t talk to his best friend about somethin’ that’s got him losin’ sleep it just might have somethin’ ta do with that best friend. Now I don’t know about you Benny, but if I had a good friend who suddenly found it hard to confide in me about somethin’ that has got him that upset I think I would be tryin’ to get to the bottom of it. What do you think?"

The Mountie sat in silence for a few moments before he began to speak. This kind of conversation was never easy for him, but he had caught the subtle interchange between his friends before they had left the station. In a funny way it bothered him to think that Vecchio might have a better idea of what was going on than he did. Ray Kowalski was his friend first, but it seemed that in some ways he was closer to the Italian now than to him. He felt an instant embarrassment at his own pettiness. Kowalski had a right to confide in whomever he wanted and if he wasn’t comfortable talking to Benton Fraser; whose fault was that?

"I have noticed that Ray seems rather ill at ease in my presence, and with my incredibly unprofessional behavior yesterday I can’t say as I blame him." Fraser looked at his friend and gave him a sad smile. "I had hoped that after all this time, Ray would feel that he could talk to me if he had a problem; even if I was that problem. But I guess I was wrong. And I really can’t blame him if he feels that way."

"Why can’t ya blame him Fraser? What did you do to him?"

"Oh it’s nothing like that Ray…It’s just that after everything that has happened to him I shouldn’t expect him to feel comfortable talking to me."

"Okay Benny. And exactly what does one have to do with the other? You didn’t beat him up…You didn’t bust his jaw up so bad that he couldn’t eat. Why shouldn’t he be able to talk to you?" Vecchio had to bite his tongue to keep his tone even. Getting things out of the Mountie was like pulling teeth. It could be a slow and painful process, but once it was out things felt a lot better.

"That may be true Ray, but I do feel a certain responsibility for what happened."

"And that’s a good thing Fraser. I mean the guy was helping you out when all that happened. A fact that he doesn’t regret, by the way. So yah…you feelin’ some responsibility is a natural thing. But are you sure it’s that, or guilt? ‘Cause if it’s guilt, Benny, you better get a grip on it or you are gonna be minus a friend."

Fraser dropped his gaze to his lap and idly fussed with the hem of his tunic. The silence seemed to last a very long time.

"You better not clam up on me Benny. This is too important." Ray carefully eased his car to a stop in front of the Consulate. "Ray thinks you don’t trust him.….He thinks you just look at him as damaged goods…like he can’t do his job anymore."

Fraser’s head snapped up.

"No…That’s not it at all. I trust Ray completely. He is a very good police officer, and has proven himself as my friend over and over. It’s just that…" The steam appeared to drain from the Mountie as he again lowered his gaze to his lap.

"It’s just what Benny?" Vecchio couldn’t help but notice the way his friend began to chew at his bottom lip. It was obvious he was going to need some help. "Could it be you can’t stand to look at him?…Could it be that every time you see anything that reminds you of what happened it makes the guilt all that much worse? Maybe Ray’s right. Maybe all you can see when you look at him now is damaged goods. Maybe your guilt has gotten such a hold on you that you can’t see past the scars and the muscle spasms. Maybe you can’t see what it does ta Ray every time he catches you lookin’ at him like you’re gonna puke. And what about that little episode yesterday? I thought Ray just got tripped up and fell….but no…I find out this morning that you knocked him down. How do you suppose that makes him feel, Benny? What kind of a signal is that sending Ray? You don’t even trust him to take care of himself…It’s no wonder he thinks you don’t trust him to watch out for you…or do his job."

"I just don’t want to see him get hurt. I’m just concerned." Fraser’s voice carried his anguish.

"That may be Benny. But what you see as concern, Ray is seeing as pity and he don’t need your pity Benny. He needs your support and your friendship, but not your pity. Ray’s a tough little bastard and he can take care of himself…He’s good at what he does Benny. Bein’ a cop ain’t easy, and it can be dangerous, so a guy has ta have confidence in himself and in his partners. Now if a guy’s partner is givin’ him signals that he can’t take care of business it’s gotta start workin’ on that guy’s confidence. In most cases Ray isn’t the most self-confident guy out there anyway, but he has confidence in his ability to do his job. You can’t take that away from him Benny. You do that? …And it will be worse than any beatin’."

Fraser rubbed his thumb across his brow and turned his head to stare out the window. When he finally began to speak his voice was so low, that Ray had to strain to hear him.

"Although I will admit that it is hard for me to be reminded of his injuries, I do not look upon him as damaged goods…I guess that it is just such a vivid reminder of not only how close he came to dying, but the respon….guilt that I feel about my lack of a more prompt response to our situation." Fraser finally turned to face his friend; his eyes bright with unshed tears. "I could have spared him so much…If I had only acted quicker."

"Maybe…Maybe not? There’s no way of knowin’ for sure." Vecchio carefully reached over and laid his hand on the Mountie’s arm and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "They might have planned on a couple of carefully placed bullets to the head. I read the reports Benny. They got rushed…Who knows what their original intentions were. Do you really think they would have left two cops behind that could witness against them? If Ray wouldn’t have held out as long as he did you might both be dead."

"They said they weren’t going to kill us. They just wanted the information."

"And I suppose you believed them." Vecchio gently shook his partner’s arm to accentuate his next sentence. "You can’t trust hired killers Benny. They would have beat Ray to death with no qualms. They almost did. And that’s what you gotta get through your head Benny. They did that to Ray…Not you. The scars, the left over aches and pains…They did that to him…No one else. You gotta get over this guilt thing Benny. It’s hurtin’ Ray more than anything they could have ever done to him."

Vecchio sat quietly as he watched his friend absorb what had just been said.

"I guess I never thought of it that way." Benton gave his partner a serious, but hopeful glance. "It is highly likely that people capable of such violent actions against total strangers would have no problem with lying to them as well. I really don’t know right now if it was a case of really trusting what they said, or just an unreasonable hope of getting out of there alive….And it would have been totally irresponsible on their part to leave behind two such highly trained witnesses."

The thin Italian gave an inner sigh of relief. Maybe he could pull this thing off. His hopes were dashed by the Mountie’s next words.

"But still, I find it very hard to see Ray’s poor physical condition, and not feel that I could have in some way prevented it."

"Ah Geeze….Benny!…You ain’t superman…no matter what you think. You did not do it! They did."

The slender Detective dropped his head and slowly banged it against the steering wheel. At last he snapped his head up and jammed the car into gear.

"That’s it Benny…This ends tonight. If you are so determined to let this whole thing ruin your partnership with Ray we might as well do the kid a favor and get it over with." As he spoke Ray guided the car quickly through the Chicago streets. "He don’t deserve to be twistin’ out there in the wind. We’ll just get it over with. And don’t you worry about him Benny…Me and Ma will pick up the pieces. We ain’t gonna let your bull-headed little guilt trip ruin what life he’s fought so hard to get back. Oh no Benny!!! Don’t you give it another thought."

Fraser stared at his friend in shock. He couldn’t ever remember seeing Ray quite so mad at him before. His feeling of shock turned to dread when he realized that they were on their way to Kowalski’s apartment.

"Oh dear."

Vecchio was more than a little surprised when they had made it to Kowalski’s with very little argument. It seemed as if Fraser had come to understand that no matter the outcome, this estrangement between himself and Kowalski had to come to an end. The Italian understood that it was the Mountie’s concern for Ray’s peace of mind rather than any thought for his own feelings that had spurred him on to complete this painful meeting. Benton Fraser was willing to end the partnership if it would bring his friend some peace.

That realization put Vecchio in a tough spot. An end to the partnership was not what he had wanted, but it seemed that Fraser was better able to do that, than to give up his guilt. All he could hope for now was that between the three of them they could come to some kind of a desirable conclusion.

Vecchio was in his second round of solid door pounding before they got a response. Their slender partner stood before them. He had obviously been in the shower. The moisture still glistened on his bare shoulders. The worn pair of sweats that seemed to be barely hanging on his bony hips showed damp spots where the thin material had soaked the water up off his body. He was using the towel in his hand to dry his chest and catch the water dripping from his hair.

"Hey Ray…Sorry ta bother ya, but Benny and I need ta talk to ya."

Vecchio wasn’t surprised that once Ray realized that the Mountie was with him he spun around and headed for his bedroom. He spoke to his friends over his shoulder as he quickly made his exit.

"Yah..Okay…I…ah…Just let me get dried off here and I’ll be right back."

When Ray returned he had replaced his damp sweatpants with a dry pair and had added an old sweatshirt. It was instantly obvious to Vecchio that Ray was in full defensive mode. He quickly sent him the palms down signal to stay calm and tipped his head towards Fraser who was busy at the kitchen counter making tea. The Italian had to bite back a smile when Ray nodded his head, but still stuck out his bottom lip in an exaggerated pout. Vecchio suddenly understood that he was probably going to have his hands full dealing with these two.

By the time Fraser had finished messing with the tea Kowalski had marshaled his emotions enough to give the Mountie a warm smile.

"So…uh…What brings you guys over so late?"

"Well Ray, there is something that I want to discuss with you, and I just feel that the sooner the better."

Vecchio shot the Mountie a rather startled look. It would seem that Fraser had used the silence of the drive from the Consulate to arrange a speech.

"Well…I’m right here Benton Buddy…Let’er rip."

Now it was time for the Italian to shift his startled stare towards Kowalski. Although he was sure that Ray was terribly apprehensive about what the Mountie had to say he was hiding it behind a show of thinly masked belligerence. And he was doing it very well. Vecchio couldn’t help but swallow hard when Fraser began. This was not looking good.

"As you wish Ray. It has been brought to my attention that you are under the false impression that I have, for some reason, lost my confidence in you as a police officer…and a friend." Fraser paused only long enough to moisten his bottom lip. "I can assure you Ray, that is not the case at all. I have always believed you to be a highly qualified officer of the law. Although at times our methods do not agree we have always been, as you yourself have said many times, a good duet. As far as our friendship, I have always considered you one of my closest friends and hope that we can remain that way for a very long time."

As Fraser continued his monologue he began to pace slowly across the kitchen. His hands were clasped loosely behind his back. He had every appearance of a military instructor. Ray just stood leaning against the counter in a relaxed slouch. Only his piercing blue eyes showed the fierce emotion he was struggling to keep at bay. Vecchio looked from one to the other and held his breath. It would appear that Fraser had picked the wrong tactic, and Vecchio, the wrong night to talk to their partner.

"I am aware that my actions yesterday were totally abhorrent. I acted in a manner wholly unbecoming of an officer of the law. I would hold no ill will towards you if you deemed it in your own best interest to terminate our partnership. But I must assure you, Ray, that it was not a reflection of any lack of confidence in your ability, but rather a misguided attempt to keep you from harm. You are not as yet totally recovered from the events of the last several months and I’m afraid that I over-reacted to the possibility of you being injured."

Fraser continued his marching monologue, Ray continued to follow his every move with those flaming blue eyes, and Vecchio continued to hold his breath. This was not going to be pretty.

"I am also aware that I have, upon occasion, reacted to the reminders of your past injuries in a rather…shall we say…shoddy manner. In regards to my actions I must make it clear that it isn’t a judgmental response to your physical condition, but rather a response to the painful admission that I am partially responsible for you obtaining those injuries. I am sorry for any discomfort that my actions have caused you and I want you to know that I will always be honored to call you my friend."

When Fraser had completed his little speech he turned his attention to Ray and gave him a warm if just slightly self-satisfied smile. Vecchio understood immediately that it was the wrong thing to do. He watched with interest as Ray studied his friend for a moment and then dropped his chin down on his chest and slowly shook his head.

"You are so smug."

"Excuse me Ray?"

"You heard me Fraser…or are ya not listening again? ‘Cause if you’re not listening to me I shouldn’t really be surprised…." Ray took a step towards his friend and pulled himself to his full height. "I said…You are a smug son-of-a-bitch..Fraser. Do you really think you can get rid of me that easy? You feel a responsibility….responsibility my ass. You think you got this guilt trip shit down pat, but you’re wrong..my little Mountie friend. You can try and hide it behind any word ya want, but it’s guilt pure and simple. I told you months ago that I forgive ya…Not that you had anything ta do with them tryin’ ta beat my brains out in the first place…It was not your fault. Do you think you will ever get that through that damn thick Canadian skull?…Ya bull-headed bastard."

"Language Ray…There is no need to be…."

"Oh yah…Benton buddy…there is a need…There is a need for me ta punch ya in the head."

"Leave it to you Ray, to reduce an attempt to settle a matter in a civilized manner to a brawl…I would have thought…"

"What Fraser?…What would you have thought?….not what I’m thinkin’ I bet…’cause you wouldn’t think what I’m thinkin’…Would ya?"

"I don’t know that I would want to think like you Ray ..as you seem totally committed to disrupting my attempt to…."

"Just shut up Fraser….’cause what I’m thinkin’ is you are one of the most conceited, self-centered dopes I have ever met in my life. Why does everything have ta be about you? I made myself a promise that I’d never hit ya again Fraser…But I ain’t above breakin' it… now ya better listen ta me or so help me God I will smack you right in the face."

"Oh so now you’re breaking promises…I suppose next you will…. "

Ray Vecchio stood in the corner of the kitchen. Somehow he was able to pick his jaw up off the floor and regain enough control to really study what was going on before him. This was a side of Kowalski that he had never seen. Fraser had told him that the thin blond had lost a certain volatility and spark that had at one time helped to define his complicated personality. If this was an indication of the old Kowalski, Vecchio had to admit that he kind of admired his spunk.

The thing that was the most shocking for him though was Fraser. The Mountie had stepped right into Ray’s face and was going at it hot and heavy. Vecchio had always wished that Fraser would stand up for himself more and not let people walk over him just to maintain his politeness. Since his return he had noticed a new assertiveness in his friend. It was obvious from the barbs being exchanged this was not the first time that the two had battled. In fact it appeared that they had been keeping score as each of them made it a point to recall who had won certain other arguments. He suddenly understood that it was Fraser’s association with this fiery version of his Polish partner that had ignited a new flame in the Mountie.

As he continued to watch the scene before him Vecchio suddenly noticed a slight change. A moment ago Fraser’s eyes were ablaze with righteous indignation and just plain anger. Now Vecchio could see that there was a gleam of amusement as well. As he watched he could see that even though Fraser was giving just as good as he got the corners of his mouth had begun to twitch up into the beginnings of a smile.

Vecchio wasn’t the only one who had noticed.

"Just what the hell is so funny?…Geeze Fraser you are such a freak." As Kowalski spoke he took a step back and, placing his hands at his hips continued to stare at the Mountie. Vecchio couldn’t help but notice that Ray was fighting to hide a small smile of his own.

Fraser took a deep breath and, stepping up to his skinny friend, placed his hands on the blonde’s shoulders.

"My God Ray…I must say; that was exhilarating."

"Freak."

It was an hour later that the three friends were comfortably settled in the living room, discussing the important difference between ‘responsibility’ and ‘guilt’.

"The thing is Fraser…You ain’t God."

"Well that’s just silly Ray…of course I’m not…"

"Don’t start Fraser!…Just listen to me one time in your life…no I guess this would be the second wouldn’t it?" Ray shot his friend a cocky little smile.

"I believe it will be Ray." Fraser returned the smile with one of his own. "You may continue."

"Thank you."

"You’re welcome."

"Ah Geeze…Will you guys get to it. It’s getting’ late." Vecchio, as always had been the mediator, but was relieved that since the initial eruption things had been fairly calm. "Just say it already."

Ray turned serious as he turned to face the Mountie.

"What I’m sayin’ Benton buddy is…You get it in your head that just because you are involved in a situation you oughtta be able to just snap your fingers and make everything right. Life just don’t work that way. And while you’re busy beatin’ yourself up, and feelin’ guilty it just makes everything harder for those of us who know better." Ray suddenly stood up and in the same motion stripped the sweatshirt off over his head.

"Look at this buddy." The Mountie took a quick look at the too-thin torso, and the scattered welt scars and quickly dropped his gaze to the floor.

"No!…No! You look at this Fraser!…You did not do this." Fraser finally raised his eyes and momentarily studied the reminders of the beating. He then raised his eyes to meet Ray’s steady gaze.

"There ain’t nothin’ you can do to make it all go away. It’s done....it’s over…now we go on."

Ray lowered the sweatshirt as he continued. "I don’t wanna lose you as a partner…or a friend, but I can’t go on with you beatin’ yourself up every time you look at me….Do ya understand Fraser?"

The Mountie finally broke eye contact and studied his hands. It was a tense moment before he looked back towards his friend.

"Understood…And I will try." Fraser ran his thumb along his brow. "I would never intentionally do anything to hurt you Ray, but I know that my actions have done just that. And I do apologize. It has just been so hard for me to watch the things that you have gone through, both physically and emotionally, and be able to do so little to help."

"That’s just it Fraser…You did help. You and Vecchio and Ma…Hell…even the Lieutenant…You all helped." Ray paused for a moment and then dropped his gaze to the floor in embarrassment. "I think in a way I had…uh…I don’t know…started ta shut down or something. I just know that nothin’ was workin’ anymore…and I really didn’t care…But you guys didn’t give up on me and now I’m pretty much okay….Maybe not a hundred percent yet, but I’m getting’ there…Not that I ever was a hundred percent…but ya know what I mean. Right?"

"Understood."

"But the thing a the deal is…You can’t go on blamin’ yourself for somethin’ that isn’t your fault."

"You are right about one thing, Ray…I wish that I could just snap my fingers and make everything right, but I can’t. And as hard as it has been for me to accept, I think the fact remains that what happened to you was not my fault."

"Finally!!!" Both Ray’s slumped back into their seats and exchanged relieved smiles. They had finally gotten through.

Fraser shot them both an embarrassed smile as he too leaned heavily back against the couch.

"Indeed."

*********************************************************************************

Welsh returned to the squadroom well ahead of Fraser and Vecchio. He stopped and studied the scene before him. Bobby Marlow was already gone. Kowalski was leaning heavily against the corner of his desk. Surrounding him were Frannie, Jack Huey, and Tom Dewey. Ray looked totally drained. The events of the day and then the need to go over it all again with Marlow had taken its toll.

Huey stood beside the slender blond with his hand on Ray’s shoulder. Tom stood right in front of him and seemed to be in the middle of some animated dialogue. When Ray finally cracked a tired smile and muttered something that sounded very much like…’Ya dumb jerk’; Welsh finally allowed himself a small smile of his own.

It was only a few months ago that Ray had finally begun to once again interact with his co-workers on a more personal level. He had finally started to lower the walls that he had built around himself after his life-altering ordeal. Welsh couldn’t fool himself into believing that things had gotten back to the way they were. And he was learning to accept the fact that they probably never would again, but it was still better than it had been. Ray was still more content to set back and watch the horseplay than to take an active part in it. And although he wasn’t nearly as mouthy as he had been, there were now times when the old Ray Kowalski would break out for a moment, and light the place up with a fiery comment or two.

No one really understood why Harding Welsh had such strong feelings when it came to Ray Kowalski. No one but Ray that is. They had talked about it after Welsh’s fight with the brass to keep Ray under his command. The others could have found out, if they really wanted to, but most just assumed that it was Ray’s rather offbeat charm that had won over his gruff superior…And although that did seal the deal, that wasn’t all of it.

If anyone had bothered to look up the record of one Harding Welsh they would have found the answer. A younger Welsh had been assigned a new partner in his second year as a Detective. For six short years that pairing had given him the best friend he had ever known and changed his life…forever.

Mike Trebalski…A blond haired, blue eyed bundle of nervous energy. When Welsh had first met Ray Kowalski he had nearly swallowed his tongue. The similarities between the two Polish cops were almost frightening. Both men were tall and thin and seemed incapable of controlling either their mouths or their boundless energy. But under all the bravado there lurked a good heart, and a gentle spirit that tried to keep itself safely hidden behind all the bluff. It didn’t work for either of them. The goodness and surprising gentleness could never be hidden for long.

Harding Welsh had fought against his feelings. He hated to admit it now, but he had been pretty rough on Ray at the beginning. Before the Mountie had returned from his vacation the Lieutenant had put the thin blond on the spot more than once, and not very gently either. Each time Ray would accept the treatment with a strange understanding. It wasn’t until just recently that Welsh had learned that of all people, Ray Kowalski had been the one to read his file…Even then the younger man knew.

It wasn’t until the Mountie’s first day back and the bizarre affair of the performance arsonist that Lieutenant Welsh began to re-evaluate the situation. Mike Trebalski had stepped in front of a bullet to protect his partner. On that day Ray Kowalski had done the same for his partner. Mike Trebalski had died before they could even get him to the hospital. Ray Kowalski had survived, with very little thought about the enormous sacrifice he had been willing to make. Harding Welsh had held his best friend in his arms as he died. He had felt as helpless as he had ever felt in his life. There was nothing he could have done to save his partner…But Ray Kowalski had survived…and somehow on that day Harding Welsh came to the decision that as far as it was in his power to do so; he would keep it that way. He owed that much to Mike Trebalski.

It had nearly torn the Lieutenant into pieces to watch what his young friend had been through, and he had done everything he could to help. Ray’s slow but tenacious climb back from the trauma had ignited a fierce pride in Welsh. He watched as each of the shining qualities that these two Polish cops shared were tested in and survived the harsh fire that was Ray’s life.

Granted; things were different now. Ray had changed. But the good was not lost…it had been knocked down and kicked around, but Ray had gotten the best of himself back. He still had a good heart and a gentle shining spirit.

And then there was a thing called trust.

Ray had never been the most trusting person to start with, and except for a select few he was still pretty stingy with it, but even that had begun to change. Not a lot…but it was a start.

Change.

For some it comes easy…Others get it forced upon them.

Part Two of this story can be found here: Time and Changes Part II