Arigato: Wow, last chapter for this fic, I�m kinda sad to see it do, though you may not be. Just wanna say thanks to Miko No Yume for helping with the grammar and being my human thesaurus (Yume, if you read this and don�t review, I�ll personally take it upon myself to �educate� Xellos in the finer arts of crossdressing). Second, I want to thank Beautiful Midnight for distracting me from the original plan and leading me astray to a better one. Third, thanks to my darling Marron-chan who is always my obsession--I mean inspiration. Oh, and the reader, can�t forget the readers...unless they don�t review..hint, hint...{pokes reader with Spork of Doom}...
Notes: I�m not completely happy with this chapter, I keep making revisions but its not exactly how I envisioned it. But, I can delay no longer. And so, we are at an end.
OOCness, brotherly love, and shounen ai...yeah, we got that.
Secret Pain
Chapter Three: Bleeding Dagger, Bleeding Heart
Gateau knocked his fist gently against the door. As soon as they had returned, Marron had excused himself to his room. After a short mental debate, Gateau had followed, he was not one to let someone suffer alone.
�Marron?� No answer, probably sleeping, the hour was late after all. A momentary question of waking the other entered his brain. Deciding just to check, he pushed open the door. What met his eyes was not the peaceful sight of sleep but a picture from hell.
�Marron!� He was kneeled on the floor, robes pushed down around his waist. Blood was everywhere, on his skin, tinting his long hair, and smeared on his cheeks as he swiped at the tears there.
�Shut the door,� the mage whispered through clenched teeth.
Pushing it closed with a thud, the muscled hunter dropped to his knees in front of Marron.
�What happened?� he asked quietly, honestly confused.
Marron�s head was bowed, one hand behind his back and deep blood still running freely down his arms. He placed his free hand on Gateau�s chest, leaving prints of red.
�Go. Just go.�
�I don�t understand.� Truly he didn�t. His eyes ran over his friend�s body. He had noticed the fine scars when they made love, but each of the hunters had these marks; it was the price of dangerous work. Suddenly the concealed hand registered. Reaching even as Marron pulled away, he grabbed the thin arm and tugged. The dagger was revealed, shining silver and appearing to bleed. He pulled it from Marron�s weakened grasp. Anger filled his very being as he realized exactly what had gone on behind his lover�s door.
�You! You did this!� He yelled without meaning to, not seeing Marron cringe against the floor, standing to pace and turn.
�Why?!� he looked at the boy before him and was rewarded with a piteous sight. �Damnit Marron!�
He cast the dagger to the floor where it was embedded in the wood. Placing his hand against the cool wall, he sighed wearily. How could someone hurt themselves like that? How could someone so beautiful hide something so dark? Why hadn�t he known...
Marron gazed up at his companion. He had to explain, to fix the damage his lack of control had wrought. He tried to stand, pushing himself off the floor. But it was too much in the end. The cuts were too deep this time, just like the wounds on his heart. He collapsed, blessed unconsciousness consuming him.
~*~
Tucking in the last strip of white cloth, Gateau pulled the blanket up tenderly around the pale waist and sat heavily into a chair beside the bed. He had wiped away every trace of the blood spilled in this room but the image was still vivid in his mind.
Marron�s hunched figure, the redness pilling from self-inflicted wounds, and the sadness in his eyes...it was the sadness that hurt the most.
Gateau looked down at his clenched fist: he was still angry. At Marron, but mostly at himself. How careless he had been not to notice something this awful! How long had this gone on? How could he say he loved this boy if he never saw the pain.
Was he the cause? Gateau couldn�t bear to think that he was hurting Marron, he just couldn�t...
He would have answers! How could Marron do this to him?! How...how....
�How?� he asked the silent room, his voice cracking on the word. Reaching out, he picked up one pale hand and placed in his own. Full of unanswered questions he held onto Marron, and cried.
~*~
A gentle touch pushed back the stray strands of raven hair. Two golden orbs opened to look up at him.
�Hey,� he said nonchalantly.
�Hey,� replied a weak voice as the eyes averted to the sheets, taking note of the carefully wrapped bandages around him. �Are you mad at me?�
�Hm,� a noncommittal sound as the hand continued to stroke his forehead in comforting rhythm. �does this happen often?�
Everything said was quiet and the rain could be heard beyond the closed curtains. A lamp lit the room with its yellowish glow.
�Not as often anymore.�
�When did this start?� He had to know.
�A long time ago, before I was a Hunter.� Blue eyes held relief among the worry.
�Why?�
Marron frowned slightly, to ask so much in a simple word. How to avoid those eyes...nothing but the truth.
�When my mother died, it hurt so much. I decided I would do anything to get rid of that pain.�
�But this?�
�Yes,� his eyes sought Gateau, asking for understanding, or maybe just proof that this was real. �By feeling the cuts and seeing my own blood, my mind is so distracted it forgets to thing about everything else. For a moment I can be free. And no one sees me cry.� It sickened Gateau to see even as he spoke, the gold eyes lit up with a strange fascination.
Gateau�s look was one echoing sadness. Marron�s words struck his heart, he would never fathomed this much pain could dwell inside one so stoic and calm. Chaos could be deceiving.
�No one ever knew?�
�No, not even Carrot. Until today, until you, it was always my secret.�
�A secret pain.�
Marron sat up, holding back a wince. �Do not overdramaticize the circumstances, it�s really nothing.� Standing, he retrieved his clean robes from a nearby chair. For the first time, Gateau realized how concealing they truly were, fully covering each bandage. Turning to face him, Marron looked as if none of this had ever happened. He walked to stand in front of Gateau, offering a smile.
�Stop that.�
�What?�
�Don�t smile when you don�t mean it.�
The smile was gone.
�Listen to me. I don�t know what to think of this, but I do know I hate it. I need to know you won�t hurt yourself again. Marron, I love you too much to sit here and do nothing. I�ve taken that damned dagger, you won�t need it. When your hurt, or need...anything...I�m here. Come to me Marron. Promise.�
~*~
Carrot stared out the window of the large common room as the golden rays of the sun lit the morning sky with growing color. All night he had lost himself to forbidden thought, bearing his hidden heart to the empty space and crescent moon. Several facts had been made all too clear as he sat unmoving; there was no room for indecision. He was in love with Marron Glace, his brother and now his future.
Soft steps echoed through the room as Marron entered. With a momentary evaluation of options he took the seat furthest from Carrot but facing him. With only three yards separating them, the silence seemed very heavy.
Marron watched his hands, �Good morning Carrot.� Had he been looking up he would have seen the other wince, never had Marron called him by name.
�Look Marron. Let�s not fight anymore,� he threw himself out of the chair and with a sly look on his face sauntered over to Marron. Pushing back his fears and relying heavily on the stiff drink he had just consumed, he went for it. Leaning over, he came very close so their noises were nearly touching and Marron had no where to go. �Ne, ototo?�
�Niisan--�
Marron�s words were cut off as Carrot pushed his lips onto his, forceful and surprising. Pulling back, he watched the confusion cross his little brother�s face as he sat stunned. One hand came to touch lightly at his lips.
�I love you Marron,� he whispered, but suddenly a shadow fell over them both. Looking up, Carrot was met with Gateau�s fist, landing sprawled on the floor. Climbing to his feet, Carrot glared, �asshole.�
Advancing, Gateau launched another blow, sending Carrot into the stone wall where his head rebounded sharply as he released a strangled cry.
�Niisan!� He stood, reaching out a hand, Gateau pushed him away from the injured Carrot.
�Stay out of this Marron. After all the times he�s turned his face away as we kissed, for all the times he gave you that disappointed look, for every time he said how wrong we were just for loving each other...now...he�ll pay.� With a threatening crack of his knuckles he once again hit Carrot in the face. Marron could only stand stunned, it was all crashing down around his head, his world was ending and all he could do was watch.
�Gateau stop!� He commanded, voice too high to be calm.
�Ototo,� Carrot grimaced as he spat out blood, wiping his mouth in the way of a prize fighter. �Don�t worry, I�ll fight for you.�
�Do not do this. Niisan...please,� he begged, it didn�t matter if they heard. It didn�t matter who heard as long as this ended. The fighting...had to stop.
He had no time as Carrot drew his seldom-used sword. The silver metal gleamed in the morning light. It happened too quickly, but Gateau saw it all with terrifying clearness. Carrot rushed him with the weapon. He couldn�t move. Then, Marron stepped in to protect him. Carrot saw him too late.
�Marron!� Gateau yelled as the sword pierced the mage�s side. Everyone stared. A distant clock marked a second. Carrot could only pull the blade from its place, hearing the awful sound.
A pale hand reached to cover the wound, blood spilled freely as he tried to regain some form of calm. Quietly he spoke, �Stop it.�
�But--�
�He--�
�NO!� he yelled, stumbling away from the two. � I won�t have it! You will not fight over me. You will not hurt each other...over something so stupid.� It didn�t sound like Marron, this desperate voice was not that of their stoic mage. But, circumstances were not the same. There was more blood now, it poured over his hand and onto the floor.
�Marron, come here, let me help you,� Carrot stated with blank eyes, dropping the sword. It clattered to the floor, spraying tiny drops of blood onto the polished wood.
�Here Marron-chan,� Gateau opened his arms, trying not to see the redness there from the fight that caused this mess.
Marron glared with golden eyes as cold as ice. �This is not a contest, and I refuse to be treated like some /dog/ seeking a master. Both of you...stay away from me.� His voice was weak as the room seemed to sway about him. Perhaps this was good.
�Look,� Gateau said calmly, �that�s a deep wound, let me help. Just pick me--�
�No, pick me!�
�I�m not...picking anyone. I do not like this, not at all.� Leaning against the wall, the mage slid down it to sit on the floor, white robes becoming red with waning life.
Both parties stepped forward, stopped only by the glowing ward in Marron�s hand.
�Don�t you dare. I said no. I will not have this!� He felt his loose grip slipping, control was going, time was short.
�Ototo, if you don�t go to the doctor, you�ll die,� Carrot pleaded, the situation settled heavily on his shoulders.
�I know,� Marron whispered, �that�s exactly what I intend to do.�
�WHAT?!� Two simultaneous questions.
�Yes, I do believe it is for the best,� his dark hair hung over his pallid face as the wall supported him. Yes, the situation was indeed fitting for his purpose. Still, there were things to be said.
�Niissan, Carrot, I do love you...but only as a brother. You have to understand how much that means, but...I can not let it be more. I am sorry.� Not much time now, eternity was waiting.
�We can talk later--�
�No...no later...� Golden eyes searched and found ice blue ones.
�Gateau. My Gateau. You have hurt me here with your rash actions and anger, but...I know you acted only to protect me. To have found happiness, even to lose my grasp of it so soon...I am grateful. Thank you my love, I shall take the time we have spent and forever treasure its memory.� His breath was becoming shorter, it was harder to think.
Gateau was couaght in a torrent of fear, his heart was dying before him. �Don�t do this, drop the ward, please Marron...please.�
�Do not worry Gateau. It does not hurt as much....this way. I am sorry I could not keep my promise....if time were longer...I would have--� A cough racked his body.
Carrot had been reduced to silence. Deep inside, he took blame for all that was occurring. How could loving a person cause so much trouble? The universe certainly had a way with punishment, cruel and dark.
The ward�s glow weakened, Marron�s head drooped a bit. Gateau�s instincts lept to the forefront and he lunged. Kneeling and pushing the boy against the wall, he grasped the thin wrist with his encompassing hand, holding away the deadly spell. Marron�s eyes widened as he was forced to drop the paper, it floated harmlessly to the ground. Seeming to fold over, Marron collapsed into Gateau�s arms.
~*~
Marron�s eyes opened once again to the ceiling of the room. His body ached and his mind fought to recall what had happened. A face hovered over him.
�Awake?�
�Yes.�
Gateau frowned at him, taking in the pale skin and marring lines of scars, some old and fading, others too recent for comfort. Gently he traced the one splayed across Marron�s bare chest with his index finger, down until he reached the fresh bandage�s edge. Sighing, he took a seat on the bed next to Marron�s slender form. His hand rested on the mage�s flat stomach in a protective gesture.
�I�m sorry,� he said quietly, eyes finding a fixation on the bed�s pristine white sheets.
�For what? The fact that I happen to be too stupid to move out of a sword�s way?� Marron scoffed in an obvious attempt to blow off the entire thing. It was as transparent as his smile.
Gateau looked at him sternly and the swelling silence that lingered expressed their seriousness, abolishing Marron�s attempt and sobering the mood.
�Stupidity was never a factor. You purposely...� one hand gestured futilely in the air, �For me...you...you could have died!�
Ignoring the threatening nausea and new bolt of pain, Marron drew himself up into a sitting position. Soft hair whispered across Gateau�s arm as the mage laid his head on the supporting shoulder. Small hands held his muscular arm in an almost embrace, seeking what security he could offer.
�I---�
�No. It was worse than that. You /wanted/ it to happen. If I hurt you, oh God that�s not what I want. Don�t you see? If you can�t come to me, trust me, then I...I just won�t be able to stand it. If protecting you means leaving...then I will.�
Marron�s grip on his arm tightened as his face came up to meet his lover�s. �No,� his voice betrayed a hidden sob. �If you want to leave because you don�t love me, then go. But I made a promise, and I swear, I /will/ keep it. I love you, but if you leave just to �help me� Gateau Mocha, I will never forgive you!�
Suddenly, Gateau�s embrace tightened around him and their lips met even as hot tears spilled over his cheeks. He didn�t care if Gateau saw, not anymore. Healing would take time, but now, there would be no more secrets between them.
The door swung open as they parted. Gateau stood to leave as Marron wiped harshly at the tears.
�Niisan.�
�Yeah, look Marron, I�m sorry about all this junk,� he fidgeted in the doorway, not looking up and feeling the heaviness of Gateau�s stare. He had to offer his explanation. �I was really, really drunk after last night. All I really want is for you to be happy, and if that means putting up with musclehead--�
�Hey!�
�-- then for you, I will.�
�Really?�
�Sure,� he smiled. He would do this, if it took all the determination in the world, which it did, he would do this. �I�m happy for you ototo.� With that, he slipped from the room.
As the door closed, his smile faded. His lie was told and he had never been more sober in his life. Walking down the hall he came to the bright window. The universe became very ironic as looking out, he saw two lovers holding hands, looking content and happy in each other. Never would he have that, all he had was a secret.
A tear fell to splash on the window sill, followed by another. Tira approached him quietly from behind, heels clicking softly on the floorboards. Slipping her arms about his waist, she knew this was her place, all she could do, what she would always do. And she held him as he cried.
~finis~