Title:  VIEWPOINTS

Author: Imagine

Feedback: on list or [email protected]

Webpage: http://www.geocities.com/limagine647

Rating:  R

Pairing: J/D

Category:   Slash.  Angst.  Adventure. Hurt/Comfort.  First Time. 

Date:   27 November 2005

Status: Complete

Season/Spoilers:  Three - Point of View; Deadman's Switch; Forever in a Day; Past and Present

Archive: AlphaGate; Area 52; The Cartouche. Anyone else please ask.

 

Synopsis:  Daniel sees something through the quantum mirror that takes his thoughts in a direction he never would have expected.

 

Notes:   Thanks to my beta, Gateroller, for her help and advice.

 

Warnings:  

 

_____________________________________________________

 

 

Viewpoints

by Imagine

 

 

Daniel couldn't understand the feelings tearing through him as he stood and watched Jack kissing Dr. Samantha Carter on the other side of the quantum mirror.  He was surprised by his rising anger and something else he couldn't put a name to.  Why should he feel anger?  Jack was just being nice, supportive to the grieving widow of the man who just happened to look like him.  No, no, not just look like him; to all intents and purposes the other man was--had been him!  And that bothered Daniel, the fact that she had been married to a copy of his Jack.

 

His Jack? Since when had he been possessive about his friend?

 

Just then the couple broke apart, stared at each other for a moment and some quietly spoken words passed between them.  Daniel saw the rueful look on Jack's face as Dr. Carter's tears overflowed and he felt the emotion welling up again and with it, rising confusion.  He sensed movement and glanced over to look at Captain Samantha Carter standing beside him, also avidly watching her double interacting with her C.O. in a way she never could.  Daniel couldn't help the question popping into his mind; did she want to be in such a position, kissing Jack?  He answered his own question and that only made his stomach lurch.

 

God, what was wrong with him?  Where had this anger, this...this frustration come from? That Jack should be looking at Carter; any Carter in such a way was anathema to him.

 

Jack moved back through the mirror, back to where he belonged and he never turned to look at the tear-stained woman standing on the other side of the mirror.  Daniel was relieved when her image faded.  Jack smiled at them, his glance taking in first Carter and then Teal'c standing in the background, before finally falling on Daniel.

 

"The infirmary for you, Daniel and don't tell me you feel fine 'cause you look terrible!"  Jack's smile took any sting out of his words.  "Fraiser will have my head if I don't report that zat blast, Daniel.  It was much too close," Jack added thoughtfully.

 

Smiling at his friend, Daniel nodded.  "Yeah, I know but it doesn't feel any worse than any other time I've been hit with a zat."

 

"You were also assaulted by the Jaffa, DanielJackson," Teal'c noted as they made their way along the corridor towards the elevator.

 

Daniel knew there was no way he could avoid seeing the doctor so he shrugged as Sam pressed the button for the floor where the infirmary was.  As the others weren't hurt they left him to Doctor Fraiser's tender mercies, Jack promising to go back to check on him as soon as he could after they had reported to Hammond. 

 

Fraiser was her usual thorough self, questioning him, examining him, taking blood and sending him for x-rays and scans.  She wasn't happy to learn that the zat had almost been touching the back of his neck when he had been shot and insisted he stay in the infirmary for at least twenty-four hours, adding whether it was actually longer than that was dependent on the test results.   

 

"A zat blast that close to the base of your skull isn't something I can take lightly, Daniel," she said firmly. 

 

He tried to convince her that he was feeling fine, that in fact the bruises were giving him more discomfort than the effects from the zat blast, but she dismissed his statement with a smile and a pat to his shoulder.  Too late, he realised she was accustomed to his declarations of feeling fine when he clearly wasn't.

 

Sometime later the rest of SG1 called in to check on how Daniel was doing and none of them were surprised to find the archaeologist irritable at being kept in the infirmary.  Jack pulled up a chair, as Sam sat on the edge of the bed, telling Daniel that Janet was only doing what was best for him.

 

"Just sit back and enjoy the rest, Daniel, you deserve it," Jack smiled at his friend and shrugged as he continued, "I have to admit I was afraid when that zat was used so close to your neck."  Daniel was warmed by the concern in Jack's eyes and then he suddenly looked away, turning to Sam and Teal'c, "Commissary? I'm starved, we'll have to take pot luck as it is, this late in the day," he grumbled.

 

"Yes, sir, I'm certainly hungry," agreed Sam. 

 

"I prefer to retire to my quarters and perform kel'no'reem," Teal'c said.

 

"You get a good night's rest, Daniel," Sam commented as she rose from her place on his bed.

 

"Thanks, Sam," Daniel said quietly.

 

Jack looked at his friend, a frown between his eyes.  "You sure you're okay?  You seem sorta...off."

 

"Just want to get out of here," Daniel shrugged, pasting a smile on his face.

 

Jack gave him a knowing smile, and asked, "Would you like me to bring you something back, Daniel?  In fact, I could bring two trays and have..."

 

Daniel was looking at Sam as Jack spoke and Daniel saw something... disappointment perhaps, flash fleetingly across her face, before she quickly schooled her features into a slight smile.  "No," Daniel interrupted Jack hastily, "It's okay, I'm not really hungry.  I think maybe I would like to go to sleep.  You go and eat with Sam; I'll see you in the morning?"

 

"Of course, if that's what you want.  Get a good night's rest," Jack said softly, reaching to brush the locks back from Daniel's forehead.  "I wish I was sure you were really all right."

 

"I'm fine, just tired, that's all," Daniel said, still aware of the feel of Jack's fingers on his skin.  It was hardly the first time Jack had casually touched him like that, so why did it seem different this time?

 

He watched them leave, giving a smile and a wave in response to their farewells, but it faded as soon as they were out of sight.

 

Daniel didn't like the way he was feeling, where had this antagonism towards Sam come from all of a sudden?  He and Sam had been friends almost from the moment they’d met; he didn't understand what was going on with him.  He'd always considered he knew himself but this...And this anger towards Jack? Where had that come from? …No, wait; it wasn't anger towards Jack.  It was because Jack had been kissing…  The anger had been directed towards Carter, Doctor Carter.  He guessed he was transferring that anger onto Sam…or was it that simple? 

 

Daniel wondered now how Jack really felt about Sam; he was pretty sure he knew and it hurt. 

 

He could still remember the look on her face when she saw Jack kissing Doctor Carter; she looked upset.  Daniel was pretty sure she had wanted it to be her, she was jealous!

 

Jealousy!  Oh god, that was it!  He was jealous, jealous of Doctor Carter.  That was the feeling that had surged through him when he’d had seen his friend kissing Doctor Carter; he couldn't stomach the idea of Jack having feelings for her, for any Sam Carter -- god, for anyone unless it was him!

 

He slumped back on his pillow, eyes shut tight.  He had feelings for Jack O'Neill.  He wanted it to be him that Jack needed to kiss.  Oh, god!

 

These thoughts were completely new to him.  He considered Jack his best friend, had done so for some time now, and loved him as such.  The idea of any harm ever coming to him was frightening and Daniel was grateful that at least when he went into danger they were together, facing it side by side.  Jack dying, the idea of continuing without Jack in his life wasn't something Daniel could face thinking about. 

 

Like the sun rising slowly over the horizon, the realisation stole over Daniel that he didn't just love Jack as his best friend, he loved him as the other half of his soul, the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

 

He saw now that one moment, seeing Jack holding Doctor Carter in his arms, had been a revelation.  Watching Jack kissing her had been like a knife to his heart and it allowed him to see himself clearly for the first time.  He wanted to be the one in Jack's arms, his lips parting to allow Jack to enter.  He felt the first stirrings of desire and the shock was not that he felt it, but that he had never before realised what his feelings for Jack really were.  It was so clear to him now.  How had he never seen it before?

 

The nurse came around making sure he was comfortable, questioning why he wasn't asleep yet; asking if he was in any pain.  He could have told her, yes, he had a pain in his heart, maybe in his soul, because he was in love with someone he shouldn't be.  However, he just told her no, he was fine.  She nodded and turned out his light.  He slid down in the bed, trying to get comfortable under the covers. 

 

He sighed knowing he shouldn't be in love with Jack, not because he was a man, that didn't bother Daniel one bit.  He had always preferred men and until he had been given Sha're...  His wife, she was the reason he shouldn't be in love with Jack because he was still looking for her, his Sha're.  Daniel had accepted her as a gift from her father, because to do otherwise would have been seen as a rejection of her and that would have disgraced both her and her father.  Daniel had liked her, admired her spirit, but he hadn't been in love with her.  He did come to care for her very much, but his love for her wasn't anything like the feelings he had for Jack.  He come to love Sha're, but it was a gentle love that had developed out of companionship and the sharing of everyday living. 

 

She was a simple woman, kind and caring, who made little demands on him as was expected by a woman in her society.  She looked after him as a wife should but naturally allowed him to go his own way, which to his sorrow and guilt had led to her eventual capture by Apophis when he had re-opened the Stargate.  Now in his thoughts he felt he was abandoning her, but the truth was he couldn't help it, he had no control over this feeling that had crept up him so slowly that he never even realised it until today.  Yet, even with that admission Daniel knew he would never really dishonour his wife by having an affair with anyone else.  He could never betray her trust that way, after all that was all she had left of him.  But he could dream, couldn't he?

 

Yes, he could dream that Jack might feel the same way, dream of the man kissing him and holding him, fantasise about making love with his best friend and the man he now knew held his heart and soul in keeping.  But, it would never be more than just a dream, because Daniel knew that it could never come to pass in the real world.  Jack saw him as a good friend, but that was all. 

 

Daniel closed his eyes, trying to keep the tears inside that threatened to spill over.  This sudden revelation that he was in love should be a wonderful feeling, but instead it was tearing him apart. 

 

He wouldn't let this get the better of him though.  He dug deep inside for that strength, that well of resolve he'd always been able to call on.  He would need every iota of stubbornness that Jack constantly insisted he had to fight this, to fight his own desires.  He would need to learn to bury his feelings deep inside, try and control his jealousy.  And, if one day Jack and Sam did make a move to be together, he would just have to smile and do his best to be happy for them.

 

~~

 

Early in the afternoon the following day, Daniel was allowed to go home and as the rest of SG1 were involved in other duties he simply slipped away without seeing them.  Just at the moment he didn't feel strong enough to face either Jack or Sam.  As for Teal'c, the man had an uncanny knack of seeing far too much. He felt somewhat guilty for his disappearing act, but he did ask Janet to let his colleagues know he had gone home to rest as per doctor's orders.  He knew Jack would never believe that, but he also hoped his friend would just see it as his desperation to get out of the infirmary.

 

As expected, Jack did call him in the early evening to check on him, making it quite clear that he knew exactly what he was up. "What are you really doing?" Jack asked, laughter clear in his voice, "Translating something?"

 

"You know me too well," Daniel replied and his smile was genuine.  "I do have some stuff to try and sort out for that doohickey that Sam is working on," he laughed gently, using Jack's favourite word for anything remotely scientific.

 

"Seriously, Daniel, don't work too hard, try and get a decent night's sleep."

 

"Don't worry, Jack," he said warmly, touched by Jack's concern, "I promise I won't work too hard."

 

"Good.  See ya in the morning, Daniel."

 

Daniel held the phone against his chest long after Jack had hung up, savouring the man's friendship, deciding he would do anything to protect what they had.

 

~~

 

The next day he was with Sam in her lab as they worked by side.  He was translating the tiny writing that edged the base of a strange device that Sam hoped could perhaps be a weapon to use against the Goa'uld.  The writing was very complicated and he was making slow progress.  Sam wasn't making any more progress in her deliberations than he was.

 

They'd been working for a couple of hours when, to his great surprise, she brought up the subject of her alternate and her relationship with that universe's Jack O'Neill.

 

"I knew, of course, from what you said a couple of years ago after your first encounter with an alternative reality that it could happen," she commented, "But to actually see... myself kissing the colonel, well it was really odd.  Course, it was only because she was not in the military that they could even be together."

 

Daniel saw his opportunity; he would never have a better chance to question her about Jack without arousing her suspicion.  "Are you saying that you could be ...interested in Jack if it weren't for the regulations keeping you apart?"

 

Sam stared at Daniel for a moment before laughing gently, "Oh no, I admire him as a soldier, I've never served under a better C.O. than the colonel, but me and him, together?  I'm not saying I've never thought about it, after all he is a very attractive man but there is a lot more to a relationship than physical attraction.  No, we would drive each other crazy in a week!  Anyway, I could never be the way she was with him."

 

"What do you mean?" Daniel asked, puzzled.  He was sitting back on his stool, his translation well and truly forgotten. 

 

She shrugged and put down the tool she had been using, turning to give Daniel her full attention.  "When we, me and the other Sam, were working together we talked, you know comparing our lives, our choices, the differences.  Not surprisingly, we talked about the colonel; well I mean comparing him with her husband.  She said they were very alike except that the colonel smiled more easily.  Then...well let's just say she made it clear that he definitely wore the pants in their relationship.  She spoke almost as if he gave her orders." Sam was shaking her head and grinning.  "No relationship I have will ever be like that."

 

"That doesn't sound like our Jack anyway," Daniel said thoughtfully.  "I've always imagined him to be a very giving husband."

 

"You've thought about it?" Sam asked, surprised.

 

He blinked, thinking desperately.  "Er, yeah, seeing him with her, kissing her like that, I couldn't help comparing her to Sara," he said quickly.  It wasn't true, of course, he'd been thinking what it would be like to be that important to Jack, what it would feel like to be held and kissed by him.  "He hasn't spoken about her a lot but when he did it was clear to me how much he cared about her, how much his family meant to him.  He wasn't the colonel with them; he was a husband and father.  He was devastated when he lost them."   

 

Sam's expression was thoughtful.  "Sara, of course.  I know I only met her that one time but she certainly still seemed to care for him, even after all that had happened."

 

"Yes, and he still cares for her," Daniel replied, suddenly feeling uncomfortable talking about Jack's personal life like this.  He purposely turned back to his notebook and Sam took the hint and picked up her tool again.

 

As he pretended to read his notes, Daniel was considering what he had heard.  He had evidently misinterpreted Sam's inclinations when it came to Jack, obviously erroneously extrapolating from his own fears.  His first reaction was to consider that he now had hope.  That opinion lasted all of twenty seconds, until he realised that was simply naive.  Just because Sam wasn't interested in Jack didn't mean that Jack didn't want Sam.  Or that Jack had the slightest interest in him!

 

He sighed and Sam glanced at him, flashing a quick grin and he was grateful to realise she assumed he was sighing over the difficulty of the translation.  He nodded to her, acknowledging her hypothesis before returning his gaze to the words on the page that he couldn't even focus on properly, his mind was so far away.

 

Sadly he came to the conclusion that it didn't matter what Sam did or didn't want, all that mattered were Jack's desires and Daniel knew that whether or not he was interested in Sam, Jack wouldn't want him as anything other than a friend.  In the end, even though he felt better that Sam wasn't a rival after all, it changed nothing, only helping Daniel to reinforce his original decision to put his friendship with Jack first.  Everything else he needed to bury deep.

 

~~

 

Life settled back into its usual routine and Daniel gradually began to feel in control again.  He still visited Jack at his house occasionally and they all enjoyed the team nights out together.  Missions continued as normal too, well as normal as any SG1 mission ever had.

 

They were due to ship out in the morning to PJ6 877 on what Jack was convinced would be yet another useless walk through a forest.  He was almost right; it was a walk through a forest.  Useless?  Not exactly, they saved a Tok'ra from being captured and tortured by Sokar, but got themselves captured by a bounty hunter before they managed to successfully complete their mission.  The bounty hunter, Aris Boch, was something of an enigma.  He played the fool but was obviously very smart.  He hated the Goa'uld but was forced to serve them.  Luckily for SG1 he was not averse to fooling the Goa'uld if he could do so safely.  Daniel had reluctantly respected the man, wanting to despise him but being unable to do so. 

 

Daniel was also pleased to discover that he had retained his equilibrium on the team in his dealings with Jack.  He was able to work closely with his friend, their unique partnership much in evidence, as Boch had obviously seen, playing with them in a way that showed all too clearly he had recognised their total understanding of each other. 

 

The next evening after they returned from PJ6 was a Friday and Jack invited Daniel over as he often did.  They shared pizza and beer, Daniel only having one bottle to be sociable as usual.  They watched some TV and then talked about everything and nothing until it was time for bed.  Daniel was quite happy to go home but Jack wouldn't hear of it, insisting he stay over.  Daniel had done so many times before and had no reason to refuse, nor did he really want to.  He wanted his life back the way he liked it; spending as much time with Jack as he could.  He might be sleeping across the hall but that was where Jack wanted his friend to be, and that was who Daniel needed to be.

 

The next few missions were tense and yet the relationship between the two men seemed closer than ever.  Daniel's friendship with Jack was everything he wanted it to be and he was managing to keep his inappropriate feelings for Jack under wraps; he was more content than he had been for some time.

 

His world fell apart the next time he stepped through the Stargate.

 

~~

 

Daniel knew the truth but somehow he couldn't seem to accept that his Sha're was finally gone.  He had tried so hard to believe that he would take her home to Abydos one day.  He knew, of course, that she would never be the same, that their marriage would irrevocably be changed, and that his future with her would be uncertain but he had tried to convince himself that there would be a future.   He hadn't expected to take her home for her funeral.

 

Now he had nothing left.  He felt nothing, not even guilt.  He sat in the chair in his office, staring at the wall.  He wanted to feel angry, upset, responsible.  He knew he was at fault that he had let her down.  He had been so close; he ought to have saved her.  Her death wasn't at Teal'c's door; he was the one who had failed to save her.  He knew all of this factually, yet emotionally he couldn't feel any of it.

 

"Daniel?"  Jack's voice was quiet, as if he was in a church.

 

Daniel looked up, unsure if he was glad of the respite from his thoughts, or not.  "Jack," he replied calmly.

 

"Are you okay?" Jack shook his head.  "Sorry what a stupid question, course you're not."

 

Suddenly unable to cope with Jack's sympathy and uncomfortable at admitting he didn't feel what everyone, including himself, expected him to feel, Daniel quietly said, "I think I would like to go home, be alone."

 

Jack wasn't happy to let him go home alone, but Daniel calmly refused his or anyone else's company.  Janet had no reason to interfere; Daniel was handling his wife's death after three years of desperate searching better than she had expected.  To make it official, Hammond gave him two weeks leave.

 

As the archaeologist was leaving, Jack hurried to catch him up.  "Daniel, Daniel!" he called and reluctantly Daniel stopped and waited for him.  "I just wanted to...  Look if you need anything, anything at all...just to talk, a shoulder to cry on... well you know, anything, give me a call, okay?"

 

Daniel should have felt grateful, should have wanted to lean into the comfort that Jack so clearly wanted to offer but he didn't, he couldn't.   He didn't deserve comfort.  He nodded and walked away.

 

When he arrived home Daniel was struck by how empty his apartment seemed and that was weird.  It felt as if Sha're was missing but she had never even set foot on Earth, let alone in his apartment.  What was wrong with him?

 

He had wanted to be alone and now he didn't know what to do with himself.  He couldn't settle in his own apartment.  He tried to read his private journals, but was unable to concentrate on the words that seemed to slide across the page.  He fired up his laptop but that was no better.  He was exhausted, hadn't slept since he returned from the funeral but he knew his confused mind was too active. 

 

He decided to take a relaxing bath and then he went to bed; the bed he had bought to share with Sha're when he finally brought her to his home.  He couldn't stay there so he got up and went to lie on his sofa instead.  As he lay there he knew he wanted to sleep but suddenly he was afraid to dream.

 

~~

 

Jack paced up and down outside the elevator, knowing that Daniel was inside on his way down.  He had ordered the gate guards to inform him the moment Daniel signed in.  He had been waiting to see his friend since that day two weeks ago when he had left the mountain looking fragile to Jack's eyes.  Daniel had sounded calm, as far as Jack was concerned that should have sounded warning bells but everyone had seemed to accept that Daniel was just being stoic.  Jack admitted to himself that he could be wrong, but deep inside he didn't believe he was and he wouldn't be sure until he saw his friend's face.  He had called every day of those two weeks, sometimes Daniel had answered and sometimes he hadn't picked up and Jack had been forced to leave a message. 

 

During the first week, on the odd occasion he had managed to speak to Daniel, he sounded distant, yet somehow in perfect control.  Jack continually offered to come over if he wanted company but Daniel steadfastly refused.  Jack had to stop himself from rushing up to offer support; he just knew Daniel was hurting, but if the man really felt the need for solitude to cope with his loss, who was he to argue?  After all, wasn't that exactly what he'd done when he'd lost his son? 

 

As the time slid by, Daniel seemed to gradually thaw out so that by the end of the second week, though he was still refusing company, he was more inclined to talk a little on the telephone.  He wouldn't talk about himself but he asked after his friends and asked general questions about how things were progressing at the Mountain.

 

They had last spoken yesterday evening when Daniel had confirmed he would be returning to work next morning as planned.  Jack's relief was palpable, he even wondered if Daniel had sensed it down the phone line!

 

Jack had been so afraid for his friend's mental state after Sha're had finally been killed; all Daniel's dreams had turned to ashes in those few fateful seconds when Teal'c had been forced to shoot her to save Daniel's life.  He was also afraid that now Daniel's reason for going through the Stargate no longer existed, and therefore, he might want to leave the programme.   For a purely personal reason, that was the last thing Jack wanted.  Yet, if that proved to be Daniel's choice, what argument could he use to stop the archaeologist from leaving, to keep him close by?

 

Jack could hardly tell Daniel that he wanted to be more than just friends with him.  He had no idea of Daniel's feelings on the subject of homosexuality or gay relationships; after all it wasn't something he'd ever been able to broach in ordinary conversation.  But, even if Daniel wasn't averse to such relationships, Jack could never tell Daniel how he felt while the man's wife was missing and now that she was dead the subject was even more taboo.  His friend had never been less approachable.  Jack appreciated that his feelings for his team-mate might be a secret he would always have to keep, but he could cope with that if he still had Daniel in his life.  Daniel meant so much to him that he would do anything to keep his friendship.

 

Suddenly the elevator was there and the doors were opening and Jack was suddenly aware of a presence beside him.  He'd never heard the Jaffa arrive but then Teal'c always had a knack of being where one never expected him, which was fine when they were facing other Jaffa, but inconvenient if one wished to greet a dear friend alone.

 

Jack glared at Teal'c but he simply inclined his head and then turned towards the elevator as the doors opened.

 

Daniel walked through the doors and came to an abrupt halt when he saw his welcoming committee.

 

"Oh, hi, guys," Daniel said, glancing from one man to the other.  "I was just going to my office, see what's…"

 

"No, commissary first," Jack said dropping an arm across Daniel's shoulders, "Welcome back coffee and chat first, work second.  Right, T?"

 

"That would seem to be the correct order of business, O'Neill.  Welcome back DanielJackson, I trust you are well?"

 

"Er, yeah, I guess," he muttered as he peered behind the Jaffa.

 

"What'cha looking for Daniel?"

 

"Well, if you two are here I figured Sam wouldn’t be far away either."

 

"She is not.  She is in her Lab," Teal'c hesitated, "MajorCarter was cursing quite vigorously when I left her but she did say she would join us for coffee shortly."

 

"You taken to reading minds, big guy?  I didn't tell either of you that I was going to take Daniel to the commissary," Jack cocked his head on one side.

 

"It was unnecessary to inform us of your plans, O'Neill, we knew you would wish to greet our friend in this fashion."

 

"Damn, no secrets," Jack smiled.

 

"Not among friends," Teal'c said, his features hardly changing at all but Jack knew he was smiling inside.  Jack glanced at Daniel with a smile on his lips and was surprised to see a quizzical expression in the archaeologist's eyes.

 

Daniel was quiet over the shared breakfast but that didn't surprise Jack, who was just grateful that he wasn't withdrawn.  After their meal the four of them split up to go their separate ways, agreeing to meet up again for lunch.  When Daniel didn't arrive at the agreed time, Jack just shrugged and leaving the other two to eat their meals he headed off to the archaeologist's office.

 

Daniel was seated behind his desk, head down and scribbling away.  Jack stared at him for a long moment, soaking up the feeling of seeing his friend back where he belonged.  The sigh slipped out before he realised it and unexpectedly Daniel looked up, a questioning expression in his brilliant eyes.

 

"Jack?  Everything okay?"

 

"Yeah, it's just good to see you," Jack smiled.  Then he marched over to the chair, Daniel's eyes following him all the way.  "But I should be seeing you in the commissary," he added as he dropped a heavy hand on Daniel's shoulder.

 

"Already?" Daniel asked, eyes flying to the clock on the wall.

 

"Teal'c was too hungry to wait any longer and so I was designated to come and drag you there."

 

"This is not a good time, I'm at a very..."

 

"No, no, not taking any excuses."  Jack's hand had slid down to grab Daniel's arm as he tugged him to his feet.

 

"Jaack!  I'm perfectly capable of deciding if I want to eat!"  Daniel pulled his arm from Jack's grasp and dropped back into the chair.

 

"No, you're not," Jack griped and then shrugged when he saw Daniel's expression.  "Okay, so you are when you remember but how often do you forget? Please Daniel, this is your first day back, you'll soon get back into the not eating enough food and drinking too much coffee routine, just give me today."

 

Daniel stared at him for a moment and then got to his feet.  "Okay, Jack but I don't need looking after.  I'm...I'm coping, really.  It's okay."

 

"I know," Jack said quietly.  He paced the office and turned to face Daniel.  He couldn't tell the guy how much he missed seeing him, how much he'd wanted to comfort him over the past couple of weeks.   "You sure you're...well, yeah you said you were.  Gonna come and eat?"

 

Daniel smiled, "Yeah sure.  And, Jack?  Thanks for caring.  I appreciated the phone calls even if I didn't always reply, you know?"

 

Jack let out a breath and clapped Daniel on the back, "I know.  Come on, starving here."

 

~~

 

The days passed and Daniel did his best to keep everyone believing that he was holding his own, gradually putting the loss of Sha're behind him, learning to cope with his guilt over her death.   In one way that was true, he had done all he could to get her back and it hadn't been enough, but what they didn't -- what they couldn't -- know was that another guilt was weighing him down.  The lack of feeling that had first plagued him following her death had blossomed into encompassing guilt because he had been looking at someone else with eyes filled with love when she had been suffering the torments of hell.  He couldn't lose that guilt because he still had those feelings for Jack and he knew he always would; he had to learn to live with that. 

 

His loneliness had lessened somewhat once he was back in the circle of his friends, but his frustration that he loved someone he couldn't have hadn't lessened.  He was free now to love again but what did that matter when the person he wanted didn't know he existed as a sexual being.  

 

Not long after his return to work Hammond put SG1 back on the mission roster and their first trip through the gate proved to be a difficult one.  They found an industrialised world where everyone seemed to have developed amnesia.  Well everyone they could find, there was no sign of any old people or children.  When they discovered the reason why, things only got more complicated.

 

~~

 

Jack watched Daniel getting closer and closer to Kera and he couldn't believe that it was going to happen again and he would have to watch.  He told himself it was just a crush on Daniel’s part, a rebound after the loss of his wife, but it was hard to watch the man laugh and smile freely with someone else.  He'd convinced himself that he could be happy with just Daniel's friendship, and that might have been true if he hadn't had a rival for Daniel's affection.  This woman, this person who Daniel had gravitated towards since they had first met was coming between him and his friend and there was nothing Jack could do to fight her.  How could he win against someone offering Daniel everything he wanted?  Daniel needed to love and be loved, if anyone deserved that it was Daniel and Jack knew he shouldn't begrudge him, but damn it hurt.

 

He tried to keep out of Daniel's way, tried to allow him to get to know Kera but something was pushing him to watch, to make sure his friend was all right.  He knew he was bugging Daniel, the other man kept glaring at him or ignoring him but Jack couldn't help it.  He had learned to trust his instincts and something was clamouring to be heard.  What worried him was that it was just his own jealousy needing to be answered and he hated that he could be that selfish.  He ought to be able to put Daniel first; after all, he loved him so damn much. 

 

Jack questioned both Sam and Teal'c to see if they thought there was anything amiss with Kera but they both saw through him, knowing it was Daniel he was really concerned with.  However, both of them seemed to think it was good that Daniel was interested in someone again, though Carter did comment that it seemed a bit soon.

 

Though when Jack's fears were proved correct and Kera turned out to be the Destroyer of Worlds, Linea, he was in no mood to blow his own trumpet.   Daniel was too hurt, keeping his own counsel way too much for Jack's peace of mind.  He wanted to get him to talk but it seemed that Jack was the last person he wanted to see.  Jack guessed it didn't help that he had been very willing to put a bullet between her eyes when he thought she was threatening Daniel's life. 

 

Of course, Daniel being Daniel just wanted to help the bitch, talk her out of committing suicide.  In the end, Daniel had succeeded and with the help of Fraiser and Carter, and even the Destroyer of Worlds herself, Linea had become Kera again and returned to the world she had helped damage.  As Kera she was determined to correct the problem of the amnesia on her world, so at least some good could come of her loss of memory again. 

 

As she approached the gate, Kera had turned back to Daniel with a confused look on her face and asked him if they knew each other.   Gently, Daniel said that no, they had never truly known each other.  Jack had viewed this exchange and wondered what exactly Daniel had been saying no to; was it simply that he now knew she was Linea and Kera had never existed at all?  Jack couldn't help but wonder if Daniel really meant something else entirely.  That was an undercurrent to the quiet determination with which Daniel had spoken, an acknowledgement of -- crap, the more Jack thought about this the more confused he became. 

 

In frustration, Jack had tracked Daniel to his office after Kera had gone back through the wormhole but he flatly refused to talk, telling Jack he needed time to adjust.  He virtually begged the colonel to let him alone, and as begging was not Daniel's forte, Jack backed off and agreed to give him some time.   He didn't tell his friend how much time and he fully intended to call round to his apartment later and try to talk to him; remind him that he had friends; he had family.  Daniel didn't always seem to appreciate just how much he meant to his friends and Jack was going to help him remember.

 

~~

 

Daniel was feeling really low when he managed to get away from the Mountain.  Or perhaps more accurately, to get away from Jack.  He felt so vulnerable right now that if Jack as much as put his arm around him in comfort, he would break down, grab the man and give him such a kiss that Jack would have no doubt what it meant.  And then he would never see his friend for the dust -- that was one thing he couldn't risk.  He needed Jack in his life, now more than ever.

 

He still didn't know how he came to get involved with Kera... Linea, damn it!  One minute he was helping her and the next minute they were laughing together and he felt warmth flow through him, and he wanted more.  He thought perhaps he'd been starved for the loving attention of another person.  He needed...he needed to know that he was still...attractive, loveable?  Was it as simple as that?

 

The trouble was that his interaction with the woman made Jack irritable, more than the confusing situation on the planet warranted, so he could only assume it was his own behaviour that had caused it.  Though Daniel wasn't exactly sure why.  When Jack tried to tell him that Kera was really Linea, Daniel thought he understood the other man's anger, the colonel was concerned for him, but somehow it didn't seem that simple.  Jack's anger was out of proportion, even when they had no doubt she was Linea even though Kera had no idea of her deeply buried personality.  Daniel only wanted to help her; Jack wanted to shoot her.

 

As he drove towards his apartment, Daniel faced the fact that he would always be going home alone.  He hadn't intended to look for anyone to fill the gap in his life left by the death of Sha're and the impossible situation with Jack, yet the attraction he had felt for Kera had been a welcome possibility.  But the truth he now accepted was that she would never have been more than a passing interest to ease his loneliness.  That deep longing he felt for Jack was part of who he was, and he didn't want to share his life with anyone else.  At least Jack was his best friend and that was better than nothing.

 

Locking his apartment door behind him, Daniel looked around and even in his own space he didn't feel comfortable.  He sighed, shrugged off his coat and dropped it over the nearest chair.  He went into this kitchen to make a pot of coffee.  He knew he ought to eat too but the idea of food just then turned his stomach. 

 

A short time later he was sitting on his sofa, coffee nearby, book in hand which he was trying to read as he listened to some soothing music.  Only it didn't sooth, trouble was he simply couldn't concentrate as his mind kept wandering.  He hated that his life was so mixed up.  Why did he have to fall in love with Jack?  Damn it, but he knew why.  The guy was attractive, funny, irreverent, brave, crazy, reliable, the mother-hen to end all mother-hens, and he cared about Daniel; and perhaps most important of all, he needed Daniel.  He would never admit it, of course, probably didn't even know it, but Daniel did.  Jack always turned to him for support, the same way he always turned to Jack.  Jack trusted him and that meant so much to him.

 

Suddenly there was a knock at the door and immediately Daniel knew who it was.  He should have expected that Jack wouldn't be able to let things be.  He took a deep breath and then went to let his friend in.

 

"Jack, I guess I should've known."

 

"Gonna let me in?"

 

Daniel simply moved aside, "Want coffee?"

 

"Nothing stronger?"

 

"Yeah, but I'm not offering."

 

"Ah, I see.  Okay, coffee it is then."  Jack settled himself on the sofa as Daniel went to pour him a coffee.  When he returned Daniel placed Jack's cup on the coffee table and took the chair opposite.

 

He knew Jack was watching him carefully but he kept his eyes down, on his coffee cup as he sipped.  He sighed.

 

"I wanted to make sure you were okay.  Didn't like the way we left things earlier.  Look, Daniel, I'm sorry for what happened, I wish it didn't...I want you to have everything you would wish for.  I'm sick of seeing you get hurt.  Damn it, but you deserve some happiness!" Jack declared.

 

Daniel lifted his eyes then, surprised at the emotion in Jack's voice.  The words were spoken before he even realised, "Yes, I do, but it's not meant to be.  Not for me."

 

"God, Daniel, don't be so negative, you’ll meet someone else," Jack replied, his eyes lowering even as his voice did.

 

"No," Daniel said sadly, feeling lost, needing comfort.  "I can never have the person I love and I'm sick of second best," he muttered.

 

"I'm so sorry about Sha're," Jack began carefully, "I know what she meant to you."

 

Daniel snapped, "You don’t know anything!  I cared for Sha're but she wasn't the one I really loved."

 

"What? But I thought…"

 

Daniel knew he should stop, he was saying too much but it was if the dam had burst and the water must flow.  "Well you thought wrong, I loved her but not...not like that.  I cared for her very much, I was responsible for her, but..." his voice faded.

 

Jack stared at him, eyes wide, "Oh no, don't tell me you...Kera?"

 

Daniel felt unaccountably weary at having to explain himself to Jack of all people.  "Damn you, no!  Forget it, Jack please.  I never meant to say anything; it's my secret.  Look, if you don't mind, I think I'd like to wallow alone."

 

Jack frowned.  What was he missing?  Secret?  Why was it a secret?  "Does this person know how you feel?" he asked, wondering if he really wanted to know.  He thought of Sam for a moment, but dismissed the idea, that was too much like incest!  "Is it someone who feels the same but shouldn't?  She's married?  Or she knows but doesn't return your feelings."

 

"Jack, please!"

 

Jack frowned; he couldn't help but feel he was missing something here.  Daniel was upset, but it wasn't over Kera and it wasn't even over Sha're.  He was interested in -- no, he'd said he loved -- someone else, someone who didn't want him?  And that Jack found hard to accept; okay he was biased but who the hell wouldn't want Daniel Jackson!  Could it be?  Someone who Daniel thought didn't want him.  Or even someone who Daniel simply didn't believe could possibly be interested in him because... because it wasn't what was expected?  Because of... gender?  Jack's thoughts crashed through his mind, one idea tumbling over another as he stared at his distressed friend.  He figuratively shook his head; was he just letting his own desires colour his thinking?  Was it possible that Daniel could be interested in a man?  Damn, even if he is gay, why the hell would I ever think he'd be interested in me!

 

"Jack? Are you all right?  You look…angry?"

 

"No, no, I...."  What was he supposed to say?  "I was just...thinking how difficult things are for you right now," he finished lamely.

 

"Look, Jack, I should never have let you in.  I meant what I said this afternoon; I don't want to talk.  I'm not...It's all too soon.  Please, just go."

 

Jack wanted to argue, to refuse to leave but for once he understood that it was too soon for Daniel that the man really wanted to be alone to sort his own thoughts out.  Jack could sympathise, he was totally confused and out of his depth too.  So, instead he got to his feet, "Okay, Daniel, if that's what you really want.  Just remember, I'm here for you, always.  Just a phone call away.  You need me, I'm here."  He was rambling and he knew it but he couldn't stop.

 

Daniel suddenly smiled, only a twist of his lips but it was enough.  "I know, Jack, I know.  And when I'm ready you'll be the one I call.  Just not now, okay?"

 

Jack nodded and reluctantly turned toward the door.  "G'night, Daniel.  Try and get some sleep."  Daniel just nodded and closed the door quietly behind him.

 

~~

 

As Jack leaned against the wall waiting for the elevator to arrive, he was caught by the memory of the hurt in Daniel's eyes as he had asked him to leave.  The car arrived and he got in, running over the conversation in his mind, absently nodding to the doorman as he exited into the lobby.  He pulled up the collar on his jacket as he stepped into the cold night heading for his truck across the street.  His hand on the door handle, he stopped and aloud asked himself, "What the hell am I doing?" 

 

Leaning against his vehicle, Jack told himself that Daniel didn't need to be left alone to feel the pain; he needed help to solve the problem.  If there was someone he wanted, he should have every chance at happiness.  "I've got to get him to talk, see if I can help."  He turned around, his back to his vehicle as he looked up to see the light still on in Daniel's window.  Even as he watched, Daniel came out onto the balcony, head lifted as he stared up at the stars.  Jack, of course, couldn't see his expression but he could imagine, and he wanted to lighten the sadness he knew would be in his eyes, make his beautiful lips curve in a smile.  "Damn it!" 

 

Re-locking his car, he turned and retraced his steps going back inside the apartment building. This time, however, when he reached Daniel's door, he took out his key.  Normally he would never use it when Daniel was there of course, Daniel only gave it to him to use in an emergency, but Jack knew that if he knocked at the door now, Daniel wouldn't open up for him.  So with a deep breath, he turned the key and opened the door.

 

~~

 

Daniel held tight to the railing, staring at the stars twinkling above, wondering just how many worlds heated by those distant suns he had visited.  He had been further than just about everyone else on this world, yet how many millions of those unaware people, who had no idea what it was like to walk on distant worlds, slept happily in the arms of a loved one?   He knew who was luckier.  He dipped his head and felt the warmth of tears sting his eyes.  He didn't really want so much, did he?

 

"Daniel?"

 

He whirled at the quiet voice; Jack was standing at the open balcony door.  The sudden sight of the man he wanted so much caused his breath to hitch and one tear spilled over.  He quickly wiped at his face, coughed and said roughly, "Jack, what are you doing back?"

 

"Aw damn, Daniel, look at you."

 

Suddenly Daniel was angry at being caught with his defences down.  "I asked you to leave.  What did you do?  Use my key, to what... come back and spy on me?"

 

"God, Daniel, no," Jack shrugged, "Well, yeah I used the key cause I knew you wouldn't let me in again.  I...need to help you, Daniel, I...I hate to see you like this."

 

"Like what?  Feeling sorry for myself?" Daniel asked coldly, pushing past Jack to go back into his apartment.

 

Following him, Jack said, "I read between the lines enough to know what’s goin’ on with you and…"

 

Daniel turned on his heels sharply, saying "You what?"  Oh, god, if he really knew...  No, wait he can't know, he said he wanted to help.  "And what is it you think you know?" Daniel attempted to keep his voice cold, not inviting Jack to push any more.  He should've known better, Jack was nothing if not persistent.

 

Jack moved closer, almost into his personal space, looking at him with eyes full of compassion, "I think perhaps you're interested in a man and you don't know what to do, maybe even how to feel about it," he said softly.

 

Daniel stared at him, eyes wide but he said nothing, so Jack continued, hoping he wasn't making the biggest mistake of his life.  He had just accused his best friend of being gay.  "I want to help you in any way I can, Daniel.  Please trust me."

 

Suddenly Daniel backed away from him and plopped down into the chair behind him.  "Oh god," he murmured.

 

"Daniel, it's okay, really.  I only want to help you get what...who you want."

 

Lifting his eyes to look at Jack, Daniel suddenly began to laugh.  Jack smiled diffidently but then the laughter rose in volume and Daniel shook his head, his eyes wide making Jack realise his friend was a little hysterical.  "Daniel?  Daniel!"  Jack took a hold of his upper arms and tried to shake him, but instead Daniel rose shakily to his feet and leaned into him.

 

Daniel was trying to control the hysteria and between gasps, he said, "If... only...you could...Jack, if only…"  He dropped his head onto Jack's shoulder as the gasping died.  He was quiet.

 

"Daniel?" Jack said gently as he absently rubbed a hand up and down Daniel's back. "Talk to me, please?"

 

Daniel lifted his head and not looking at Jack he turned and took his seat again.  He took his glasses off and scrubbed a hand across his face.  Jack gave him a long look and then sat down on the sofa opposite him ...and waited.

 

Daniel kept his eyes on his hands in his lap and began to speak, slowly at first but as if once he decided to bare his soul it was easier to say it quickly.

 

"As I told you, I eventually came to love Sha're but I always knew she wasn't the love of my life.  You see before her I had always preferred men.  I'm not saying I hadn't been with women, I had, but...  I cared for her very much and when she was taken, I was devastated.   If I hadn't opened the gate..." He stopped then and glanced over at Jack swiftly, "but you know all that.  I should get to the point," he dropped his eyes again.  "You've guessed I'm in love with someone else, and…it was so easy to fall in love with him, so easy I didn't even know that I had."  He squirmed in his seat a little, lifted his head and let it drop to the back of the chair, his eyes staring at the ceiling above.  "It wasn't until I saw him kissing someone else and didn't understand the strange feelings I was having, the unaccountable anger...I finally realised I was jealous.  It took seeing him kiss a woman for me to understand I was in love with him."

 

Jack hadn't anticipated how much it would hurt to hear Daniel speaking of this man he loved.  His only thought when he returned to the apartment was to find out if his supposition was correct and then to find a way to help Daniel.  Now he knew he was correct, he also knew his dream that perhaps Daniel might have feelings for him was just that, a dream.  It certainly wasn't him that Daniel was speaking of; he hadn't seriously kissed a woman since Sara.  He'd had a few sexual encounters since they separated, but they were always the one night stand kind of flings and the only kissing had been between the sheets and they hadn't usually been women.  He'd never kissed anyone where Daniel might've seen.

 

As he listened to Daniel, part of his mind was trying to work out who the object of his unrequited love could possibly be, it had to be someone Daniel knew well, someone he was able to spend time with.... Daniel spent most of his time with his team, or at the SGC and Jack had to admit there were plenty of good-looking guys wandering around the base.  Jack couldn't think who it could be; he could only regret that it wasn't him.  So, with a shrug, he dismissed his meanderings and concentrated wholly on what Daniel was saying.  He would have time to feel sorry for himself when he was alone later.

 

Daniel found the more he put his feelings into words the easier it became.  However, he hadn't had the strength to look at Jack as he spoke so he didn't know how the other man was taking it.  Jack was uncharacteristically quiet but Daniel didn't know if that was a good sign or a bad one.  He decided as long as he wasn't yelling, it was okay.

 

"It's strange to realise that someone you thought of as just a friend was really so much more and you wonder how the hell you could've missed something so...so important."  Daniel smiled deprecatingly and finally lowered his head, his eyes seeking out Jack's.  Suddenly he had to know how he felt, what he thought and he had always been able to read Jack so well.  So it was with something of a shock to find Jack's face a mask as his friend observed him.  "I'm sorry if this bothers you, Jack but you did ask," he said diffidently.  "The day I looked through the damn mirror and saw you with her, it was like a switch was thrown and everything was so clear.  And so hard.  I didn't know what to do, I still don't but I promise that if you don't want me to ever mention it again, I won't.  But, please, don't let this come between us."

 

"Me?" Jack gasped, "You're talking about me?"

 

Daniel stared at him, eyes wide, only realising with hindsight that he had been talking about Jack in the third person; no wonder he hadn't understood.  Well now he did, and softly Daniel asked, "Who else?"

 

Who else? He asked, just like that.  Jack shook his head thinking that Daniel had no idea just how many people would love to be in his shoes.  Hell, damn the other people, I'm grateful to be in my shoes!  Daniel had been talking about him; Daniel was in love with him!

 

"Jack?" The uncertainty in Daniel's voice was obvious and it was only then that Jack realised he was still sitting on the sofa, staring at him. 

 

The next instant, Jack was kneeling beside Daniel's chair, his hand reaching towards him, "Oh god, Daniel, if you knew what it means to me to know that you love me the way I love you."

 

Daniel's mouth dropped open, he made to speak but no words came.  His mouth closed with a snap.  Instead he carefully took Jack's outstretched hand, staring at their entwined fingers before he managed to murmur, "You...love me?"

 

"Oh yeah, I’ve loved you for a long time," Jack replied softly, letting all the walls drop so that Daniel could see everything he had always kept hidden.

 

Daniel finally lifted his eyes to gaze at him and after a long moment, he whispered, "Why did you never say anything?"

 

"How could I? You were married to Sha're and you...loved her.  After she died, you seemed so...fragile.  I wanted to...comfort you and as far as I knew you were straight."

 

"I'm sorry, I'm not making sense.  I just can't believe that you feel the same way, I was afraid to tell you."

 

"We didn't know each other quite as well as we thought, huh?" Jack queried and Daniel grinned.  It made Jack's heart swell to see the joy in his face. 

 

"Well, we could fix that," Daniel said, rising to his feet.

 

"Yeah?" Jack stood toe to toe with Daniel now.

 

"I'd like to know what it feels like to kiss you," Daniel said, his voice low.

 

Jack's cock twitched at the tone of voice and the request.  "It'd be a pleasure to show you."

 

"I've already seen you kiss, now I want to feel it," Daniel said huskily.

 

Jack flushed at that memory. "You do understand I didn't feel anything for her, or for any Carter?"

 

"I know," Daniel said, as he cautiously lifted a hand and touched Jack's face, smiling as he leaned into the caress.  "So give me a kiss with feeling."

 

~~

 

As Daniel finally caressed Jack's cheek he knew this was how it was meant to be, the touch lighting little fires along his nerves confirming his body agreed with what his mind was telling him.  And he wanted more.  He leaned towards Jack and suddenly two strong arms surrounded him and he was pulled inexorably closer to the man he loved. 

 

Jack's mouth covered his, gently at first and as he responded to the sensations flooding him, the kiss deepened until with a gasp he opened his mouth.  Jack slid his tongue inside and Daniel moaned deep in his throat.  This was even better than he could possibly have imagined.  It had been so long since he felt this connection with another person and he knew without a doubt it had never been so good, so complete before.  If he'd harboured any doubts at all about his feelings for Jack they would have flown out of the window.  He knew exactly what he wanted and he wasn't about to lose it now.

 

He broke the kiss, gasping and leaning his head on Jack's shoulder.  He let his mind drift back to the moment he had realised his feelings for Jack as he watched him kiss someone else, and now he knew that had only been a pale imitation of what it was like to be kissed by someone who loved him.  He thought perhaps for the first time he understood the tears in Doctor Carter's eyes.

 

"I love you, Daniel," Jack murmured, as if reading his mind, and Daniel sighed because he knew this was only the beginning.

 

 

FIN

 

 

 

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