Title:  TREAD SOFTLY

Author: Imagine

Feedback: on list or [email protected]

Webpage: http://www.geocities.com/limagine647

Rating: NC17

Pairing: J/D

Category:   Slash. First Time.  Angst.  Adventure. 

Date:   11^th December 2005

Status: Complete

Season/Spoilers:  Season 4\5 - no spoilers

Archive: AlphaGate; Area 52; The Cartouche. Anyone else please ask.

 

Synopsis:  Just as Daniel is doubting his own future on SG1, Jack, experiencing concerns of his own, offers what he sees as Daniel's best option - transfer to another team

 

Notes:  This story was first published Ancient Gates III - Heart & Soul.

 

Thanks to my Beta, Gateroller for her help and encouragement

 

Warnings:  None

____________________________________________________

 

TREAD SOFTLY

by Imagine

 

 

~ I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.~

             He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven, by WB Yeats

 

 

As I stood watching Daniel I wondered if I'd finally lost him.  Oh, I knew he was only supposed to be off-world with SG9 for three, four weeks tops but this would be the third time in as many months that he'd gone off with another team.  True, the other trips were only for a couple of days the first time, a week the second time.  However, I saw a pattern here; a pattern where he stayed away from SG1 -- from me -- for a longer period each timme.  Leading to what, a leave of absence ...god, a transfer?

 

I wished I didn't love him -- but I wished I didn't feel badly about doing so either.  Why shouldn't I feel for him the way I did?  Why was it wrong to be in love with a person, the best person I had ever met, just because he was a man?  Why did the world make it wrong, wasn't any kind of love a good thing?  Think how much better this damn world of ours would be if there were more love, not less.  Crap, I sound like a throw back from the 70s.

 

It was bad enough loving someone of the same sex in the world at large; in the military it was tantamount to painting a target on your back.  If that target were only on my back I would consider it worth the risk but the thought that I was placing an even bigger target on his back?  I'd seen far too much bigotry and violence against gays in the forces and a civilian working with the military involved in a homosexual relationship?  I couldn't put him in a position like that.

 

I couldn't help but wonder though if there was any possibility that he would have thought such a price worth it to be with me?  It was only a stupid fantasy yet... if only I could believe it was possible, that he could ever love me the way I loved him, love me enough. 

 

Love me at all... 

 

Course, deep inside I knew this was wishful thinking on my part.  Even our friendship had been strained over the last few months -- okay, that was my fault, well at least partly. 

 

Like I said though, I wish I didn't love him because my life was complicated enough.  I was a colonel in a top secret war against an implacable enemy and loving Daniel would get me kicked out quicker than I could blink.  Not just arrogance here, I knew they needed me. 

 

Futile unrequited feelings for a team-mate threatened a career I happened to think was important, so I would carry on doing what I had been doing for years -- blindly at first it must be admitted, consciously for over a year -- burying those feelings deep inside and not letting them bury me.

 

There was something else I needed to do though, something I should have done before and something I'd let slide through fear.  Fear of my emotions.  Until Daniel, I had always controlled my emotions, never the other way around.  Then suddenly I was so out of control it was dangerous -- for him, for me, for the team, damn for the whole world.  So I slowly began to rebuild those walls, walls that I hadn't even realised Daniel had pulled down until he was already inside them.

 

I'd begun to build them back up brick by brick when I realised just how far inside me he had slipped.  I knew if I didn't put a little distance between us he might come to realise just how I really felt about him.  Trouble was I'd built them too strong and pushed him farther away than I'd meant to, damaging the friendship that had become the most important thing in my life.  I had to find a way to let him know that I'd knocked those walls down again, if it wasn't too late.  I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I wanted Daniel but that was just my dream and I couldn't make him live his life to suit my dreams.  I had to let him go and trust that in doing so I didn't lose his friendship.

 

I might have pushed him too far away for him to want to come all the way back and I believed that's what he was showing me, even if it was subconsciously.  Now it was his turn to build walls to keep me away and as Daniel was the most open, giving man I had ever known, I guess he had to put real space between us.  Protect himself from my bullshit.  I doubt I could convince him now that I was all out of bullshit!

 

All out of time too, unfortunately. 

 

Hammond was about to call the briefing to order and once it was over Daniel would be leaving with SG9.

 

As I sat there listening -- or at least half-listening, as I already knew most of this stuff -- I spent my time watching Daniel.  He seemed to be studiously avoiding eye contact, which was unusual. 

 

Hammond gave me a chance to voice my opinion about Daniel going on this mission, of course -- after telling me how important it was...  Not surprisingly I wasn't happy about my archaeologist going off without SG1 as backup -- without me, dammit!  The general knew me well enough to understand how I felt without my having to actually say it so I didn't. The general took my silent glare as tacit acceptance.

 

So Hammond asked Daniel to give his presentation and for the first time he looked over at me but his expression was neutral, he wasn't giving me anything.

 

Ah, then I realised what it was; he hadn't been sure if I was going to object because when I spoke to him earlier in his office I left without giving him a definitive answer.  Not because I didn't have one but because I didn't want to say it out loud.  As if the words, remaining unspoken, would somehow have no power.  I wondered if I got that stupid idea from being so close to a certain linguist?  I'd gone to see Daniel, not sure why really 'cause I already knew what he wanted; I should've known he would try... well to be honest he didn't try and convince me, just re-stated how important it was and how he was the best person for the mission.  As if I didn't already know that.

 

Now as I watched him talking about the civilisation on Ontrea, how it was a unique mixture of Etruscan and Greek civilisations, I was more caught up in the way he was saying it than what he was going on about.  Full of fire and passion, eyes sparkling and arms waving all over the place, talking faster and faster, to himself more than his audience by this time; it was difficult to drag my eyes away.

And then suddenly I saw it, there right before my eyes; blatantly obvious to me now, what I’d missed without even realising it had gone.  I was seeing the anthropologist, the social scientist and not the soldier who had been walking alongside me more and more this last year or so. 

 

I knew his only real hope of getting back to what ...who he was... where he belonged, was to join another team, not stick with a team whose supposed mission was first contact but always seemed to result in first combat. 

 

The obvious choice was an archaeological team where he could indulge himself to his heart's content; or maybe even with a diplomatic team where he could put his anthropological skills to use.  He had proven that ability time and again already.

 

It was obvious to me now that he needed to leave SG1 for more than just an escape from my bad temper and asinine attitude; he needed to reclaim himself. 

 

The way things were going with demands from the Pentagon and even the White House, I didn't see it happening on SG1.  We were getting pushed more and more for weapons and technology, leaving less time for Daniel to practice his linguistics let alone his archaeology.  Even this mission he was being sent on was really all about mineral trade deals and diplomacy, which was why SG9 was going.  Daniel had been invited because the Ontreans knew him and his interest in the past and the Pentagon saw a good way to use that.  He was going to act as a diplomat -- no, an ambassador representing Earth and explaining our people to the Ontreans.  If he could also discover something of the mystery of his hosts so much the better.  Daniel was certainly no fool and knew what they expected; he just had his own agenda.

 

Daniel would do his duty as he saw it while privately, he would be in a position to indulge his passion by investigating the history of the Ontreans while divulging our own history to them.

 

Daniel's passion had been stripped away from him inch and inch, mission by mission and it was past time he got it back and I was going to help him.

 

What was that saying about loving someone enough to let them go?  I was about to find out.

 

~~

 

I felt Jack's eyes on me all the while I was speaking.  He rarely gave me that kind of attention when I was giving a presentation like this.  Well these days he rarely gave me that kind of attention at all.  Unless it was to hurry me up if I wasn't ready on time, or to yell at me if I took too long when I was working on something in the field.  The easy camaraderie we used to share seemed a distant memory now.  He was so much more the professional soldier these days, less ready to give me the consideration he used to.

 

I sat down having finished my part of the briefing and Major Benton of SG9 got up next.  While he talked I let my thoughts drift back to those early days and ruefully remembered how it used to annoy me when Jack would nursemaid me as if I couldn't look after myself.  Even he had jokingly referred to it as 'mother-henning'.  What I wouldn't give to have that time back now, I missed it, so much. 

 

I did what he wanted and learned to protect myself; I learned to shoot and I learned hand-to-hand combat and as a result he backed off.  Never thought I would miss that but I did. God, I missed it.

 

Never would've believed that I could enjoy physical training but with Jack teaching me...  I had the perfect excuse to have his hands on me as he taught me self-defence.  I loved the way he gave me all his attention, his face just inches from mine as he held me down -- close enough to kiss, I had to keep a firm grip on my libido at times like that. 

 

God, he may just have been showing me some moves but he had no idea the thrill his touch gave me ... or the fantasies created by some of the positions we ended up in.  It was almost as good when I was the one holding him down.  One I particularly revelled in was when the result was me pressing his shoulders into the gym mat as I lay across his back.  That one gave me many hours of pleasure as in my fantasies it became my bed I was pressing him into as I pounded into his willing body.

 

Unfortunately I learned his lessons too well.  After that when we went off-world he'd be there beside me, the soldier, the C.O. -- but I missed him.  The friend with whom I'd fallen in love.

 

I wondered how far he would run if he knew how I really felt about him.  Not that I would ever tell him of course.  Even if by some miracle he were to feel the same way about me -- which I knew he never would but just for the sake of supposition -- he would never risk his career.  He might be irreverent, snarky and enjoyed bucking the system whenever he could get away with it, but he lived for the Air Force and I could never compete with that -- don't think anyone could, gender notwithstanding.

 

It seemed odd but ever since Jack became more ...distant, I'd found myself more drawn to him, more in need of that closeness he had taken away.  For a while I managed, I kept it all inside.  My other friends and my work were all I needed but that slowly changed and now it wasn't enough, not nearly enough. 

 

I worried now that in my need to ...to be true to myself that I might let something slip.  I dreaded ruining what little relationship I had left with Jack and I was so glad this opportunity to go with SG9 to Ontrea came along just when it did.  I needed to distance myself from Jack, even if only for a few weeks, to give myself a chance to get control of my emotions, my feelings for him, again.

 

Deep inside I knew if I couldn't do that, if I couldn't get a hold of myself, I would have to transfer off SG1.  Yet it was something I wished to avoid at all costs and I believed I could get myself back on an even keel, just given a little time and some distance.

 

I'd spent most of my childhood suppressing my needs, my emotions, it was the only way I could survive the foster system.  Eventually, I had learned to let all that go, first with my new family on Abydos and again with my second family at the SGC.  Jack had been the main reason I had opened myself up to friendships, to love and I hated that I would have to shut all that down again, at least outwardly.  It was a difficult choice but I wanted to stay close to him and if that meant building walls, high and strong then I could do it.

 

My attention was brought back to the meeting when Major Benton talked about the mystery of the removal of the Goa'uld from Ontrea long ago.  Part of SG9's mission was to try and discover if any technology had survived, though when SG1 had made first contact with them five months earlier we'd found nothing.  Only an old legend on the temple walls that I translated which described the defeat and banishment of the evil gods, but unfortunately there had been no details of how it had been achieved which was not only very frustrating but unusual.  I would have expected to find some account of how they had triumphed over the gods but there was nothing.

 

I smiled to myself as I remembered Jack's frustration that there were no 'huge honking guns' to explain the fact that the Goa'uld had been forced to leave and never return. 

 

SG9 followed up on our original meeting and had set things in motion for the official visit.  The Ontrean Council was quite happy to receive a team from Earth to conduct negotiations and eventually a treaty signing, but they had also requested more information about our history, hence my inclusion in the team.  When the general had suggested my name the Council had seemed quite happy that I would be returning and I had been asked -- a polite word for instructed -- by The Powers That Be to gather as much information as I could about the method employed to dispose of the Goa'uld.  Ruefully I accepted that yet again I was expected to look for weapons.

 

~~

 

A short time later I was in the locker room just finishing getting ready when the door opened.  I didn't have to look round to know it was Jack, I just knew though I was also a little surprised.  I expected him to see me off in the Gateroom but I hadn't thought he would come to the locker room.  Unless he didn't realise I would be there and had come for another reason?

 

"Daniel," he said and I slowly turned round. 

 

"Yes, Jack," I replied and was surprised to see that he seemed rather nervous.  I could almost see him scuffing his shoes like a teenager in a high school playground.  I figuratively shook my head to clear the image.  A high-school aged Jack O'Neill was a scary prospect.

 

He gave a small smile and said; "You'll probably tell me you don't need to hear any of this but I ...need to say it so...  Benton is a good man, a good officer, listen to him.  I know you've always found it difficult to obey the chain of command," he held up a hand when I attempted to interrupt and I subsided.  "Daniel, please, I just want you to be safe.  You know you can sometimes be your own worst enemy, let yourself get caught up in...  I'm just asking that you need to let Benton and the others watch your back.  I don't want anything happening to you.  I ...," suddenly he grinned, "I don't want to have to tear a new one from yet another team leader, okay?"

 

Pulses racing, I turned to pick up my pack so he wouldn't see me having to swallow to clear the sudden lump in my throat.  I supposed I shouldn't have been surprised that he had bothered to come and talk to me like this but I was.  It seemed so long since he cared about me as anything beyond the fourth member of his team, the one who caused the most trouble, the one who made his life difficult.  It was so good to know that he still cared about me.  I think he had said more to me in the last couple of minutes that he had in the last couple of months.  I wasn't referring to the number of words; I was talking about the meaning.  There was emotion in those words, not just cold instruction or biting sarcasm.

 

I turned back to find that he'd moved closer and he reached out and took my pack from me. 

 

"Thanks, Jack," I said, returning his smile, "I appreciate the thought, even though I can't promise to obey every one of Major Benton's instructions.  I will be careful though."

 

"Turn around," he said.

 

I did and then I felt his hands on my back as he attached my pack to my vest.

 

"'Kay," he said quietly.  I felt an unaccountable urge to see his face just then and at the same time I was relieved he couldn't see my expression; he might have read too much in my eyes.

 

I heard him move away and when I turned back he was already heading for the door. He stopped with one hand on the handle and turned back to me.

 

"It was good serving with you, Daniel," he gave a ghost of a smile. "Not sure you can say the same thing about me."

 

I frowned, uncomfortable and not entirely sure what he meant but I had the oddest feeling that Jack was saying goodbye.

 

Turning his back to me again, he said, "I expect you to request a transfer on your return."  Then he opened the door and left.

 

I was frozen to the spot.  He couldn't have said what I thought surely.  He didn't really tell me to transfer off SG1 when I got back?  He couldn't, he wouldn't!

 

Oh god, he did!  He had been telling me goodbye.  He had finally had enough.

 

I felt my heart crack.

 

~~

 

I walked away from the locker room and I should have felt relieved that I'd finally given him the opening he needed to put in a request for what he really wanted but all I felt was sad and empty.  How would I feel when he was finally going through the Gate with another team and not just temporarily?  God if I felt this ...this bereft now what would the rest of my life be like? 

 

I'd learn to live with it I told myself firmly.  After all I'd learned to live with the loss of Charlie.  Fool!  I was prepared to end it all then, would've done it too if it hadn't been for Daniel. 

 

I almost turned back then.  I actually stopped and turned around in the middle of the corridor.  I so wanted to go back into that room and beg him to stay.  Beg him to.... But I couldn't be that selfish, or that stupid.  If he didn't want me, if he wanted his life back on track and the only way he could have that was to be away from me, then so be it. 

 

I squared my shoulders and headed for the Control Room.

 

~~

 

I'd been here on Ontrea for a little over three weeks now.  As far as the mission went, I suppose it had been good, successful.  Major Benton did a wonderful job with the negotiations and thankfully I hadn't really been needed very much for those. 

 

Most of my time was spent with Armon, the son of the First Minister.  He also happened to be an historian and librarian and we'd been having an edifying time swapping cultural information and learning of each other's histories and legends.  He was a very nice, interesting young man who would probably be fun to be with if I was capable of having anything remotely as normal as fun. 

 

Whilst working I was able to lose myself in studying the texts, talking in detail with Armon, visiting the museums and many sites of historical interest in the city and its environs.

 

It was during the dark of the night, in the deathly silence when I was alone in my bed and my thoughts crowded in on me that I fell apart.

 

I kept re-living those last few minutes at the SGC with Jack.  When my hope died.

 

His words to me in the locker room were engraved on my heart.  With those few uncaring words he tossed me away; he hadn't even bothered to look at me.  It had been so ...so insignificant to him that he just threw the comment over his shoulder, like a dismissive parting wave of his hand.  Was I worth so little to him?  Did I not even deserve to see his eyes, see his expression as he told me he no longer wanted me on his team?  I might have seen an inkling of regret, a flicker of regard.  All I saw was a stiff back and a closing door.  Symbolic -- except I knew Jack wasn't that esoteric.

 

I was also still smarting from the fact that he hadn't been in the Gateroom to see us off.  Sam and Teal'c were there and it was only as the General sent his good wishes for a successful mission over the intercom that I looked up and saw Jack in the shadows at the rear of the Control Room. 

 

For a moment I was reminded of that time when I stood in almost exactly that same position, sullenly watching as he supposedly left us to join Laira on Edora.  I didn't know then, of course, that it was all part of an undercover scam and I'd really believed he was leaving.  Even now I'm not sure if that was pique or despair that kept me up there in the corner of the room.  I still don’t know if he knew I was there. 

 

This time though, there was no doubt.  He knew I saw him because our eyes met for just a second -- before he dropped his and moved away out of my sight.

 

I turned away, from the Control Room and from my friend -- my ex-friend.

 

The trip through the wormhole had never felt colder than the one I took with SG9 and when I stepped out at the other end and felt even colder I knew it wasn't the Gate; that cold was soul-deep.  I went through a gamut of emotions then; despair, anger, frustration until finally I settled into a kind of dull emptiness and I understood I would never feel that warmth of connection with another human being again.  I still loved Jack and I always would but it was a sterile love and I was facing an empty future.

 

Slowly, over the following days, Armon was able to draw me out a little with his excitement and enthusiasm.  He had actually asked me fairly early in my visit if I was ill and it seemed easier to say that I wasn't feeling very well, nothing serious just under the weather.  Luckily my phraseology distracted him and he wanted to know all about how the slang phrase had come about and then about the use of other such phrases.

 

Benton and SG9 seemed to be well on the way to finalising the trade deal, which would make the Pentagon very happy.  This small planet was very rich in a variety of minerals, which was another reason why the Goa'uld leaving it alone for so many centuries seemed odd.  The major had asked me again that morning to try and get some definitive answers to what had happened.  He didn't seem to consider that I had been doing just that for three weeks.

 

It was the one thing Armon was not prepared to discuss, saying it was not his place to discuss it; that was for the Council.  When I remarked that the Council didn't seem prepared to share it with the SG team, Armon just shrugged.

 

I knew I was never going to get an answer out of the loyal young man; I either had to find it out myself or accept they would never tell, though I couldn't discount Benton's opinion that they were holding back to use the information as some sort of lever.

 

But no matter how interesting or frustrating each day seemed to be, the nights were just so lonely and I didn't see any change in my future.  Each night, whether I was off world or at home it would be the same; lonely and devoid of hope.  I saw now that I had always carried that hope around inside me but never really knowing that I didn't have a future with Jack. 

 

Always I had that dream, unacknowledged, as it may have been perhaps, that one day I would pluck up the courage and tell Jack how I really felt -- and he wouldn't reject me.  He would smile at me, gingerly touch my face and tell he had always felt the same about me and then he would lean in to kiss me.  I dreamed that my hopes weren't in vain, that all I had to do was reach out.

 

Even the dream was gone now, crushed under Jack's feet, as he'd walked away.

 

~~

 

Waking up feeling heavy eyed and still tired didn't help my mood.  I hadn't been able to sleep the night before so I stayed up writing in my journal.  It was supposed to have been a report on my last few discussions with Armon but somehow I ended up writing out a fantasy involving Jack and me.  I'd never done such a thing before and why I did it this time I don't know.  I hadn't been able to finish it, I had been so turned on I ended up jerking off to the image in my mind's eye of Jack taking me in the shower in his house back in the Springs.  I came all over my chest, just about the most intense orgasm I'd ever felt.  Yet, instead of feeling good, I felt dirty and used.  I couldn't understand either my need for the fantasy or why it left me feeling so ... empty. 

 

I tore the pages from my book and shredded them into tiny pieces. 

 

It wasn't because the fantasy had been no good; it had been the hottest thing I could ever imagine -- and it seemed so real.  I could still feel Jack's hands on my skin, taste his breath in my mouth, god I could even smell him. Just closing my eyes now I could see his hands as he held me still while he pounded into me even as the water cascaded over his back.  I could feel his teeth biting into my shoulder, marking me as his.  It was so damned hot!

 

I had never before had a fantasy that felt so real, I had never visualised sex so torrid and I couldn't understand why I tortured myself like that.  I'd never indulged in such erotic ideas before, why the hell had I allowed it now when it was only more painful, imagining something I knew I could never have.  I was beginning to understand myself less and less. 

 

I wanted to get off this planet, go home -- till I realised I had nothing to go home to.  Now Jack wanted me off SG1, I wouldn't even have anything that I could even remotely consider a family any more.  Even if I joined another team I knew I would never be able to make a connection like I had with Jack or the others.

 

I said if I joined another team, because I was seriously considering resigning from the SGC if I was no longer wanted on Jack's team.

 

I knew I had thought about the possibility of leaving the team myself, thinking it might be the only choice if I couldn't get over Jack enough to work with him but I knew now I had never really considered it would be necessary. 

 

It was with a lingering shock that I accepted that I couldn't stay and work in close proximity to the man I loved but would now be shut out of his life.  No, I had to face that for me it was all or nothing.  Jack had made it nothing.

 

I would complete the mission and return to the SGC and instead of requesting a transfer I would tender my resignation.  I had no idea what the hell I would do with the rest of my life; I just knew I couldn't spend it near Jack.

 

I felt my heart break and it would never be whole again.

 

~~

 

Hammond ordered me to join Daniel on Ontrea.  Well, officially the order was to join SG9 at Major Benton's request but privately the general informed me that Benton requested assistance -- with Daniel.   

 

I could hardly believe it -- just my luck; only trouble was, I didn’t know if it was gonna be good or bad!

 

Apparently Major Benton thought Daniel had discovered something technological at the latest site his guide had shown him but he was being -- in Benton's polite term -- reticent about discussing it.  He suggested perhaps Daniel's own team-mates might have more luck getting him to open up.  Hammond didn't say, didn't need to but Daniel must have refused to follow Benton's order.  They thought I could get him to obey?  Fat chance!

 

As Carter was at the Academy teaching that week and Teal'c had taken the opportunity to visit his family while SG1 was on stand down, Hammond was sending me alone.  I guess he too thought Daniel would do it for me.  One time that might have been true but now...

 

I wasn't even sure how Daniel saw our relationship any more.

 

I still had a bad feeling when I thought about the way he looked in the Gateroom the day they left.  I hadn't wanted to actually see him go, it felt too much like saying goodbye and that had been hard enough in the locker room.  Just saying what I had as I stood by the door, offering him the chance to request a transfer when he returned, had been so hard.  I couldn't bear to look at him when I said it. I was afraid to see the relief in his eyes.

 

Yet when it came time for them to leave I just had to see him one last time, so I hurriedly slipped into the Control Room to find they were already at the base of the ramp waiting for the Gate to dial.  I stayed where I was at the back of the room where I had an excellent view of him.  It didn't occur to me until he turned at the general's message and his eyes sought me out, almost like a homing beacon his eyes went directly to mine, that it might seem I was hiding.  Suddenly I couldn't face the disdain I was sure I would see and I dropped my eyes to the floor and watched as my feet carried me away from the Control Room -- from him. 

 

Now I didn't know how Daniel would react to me and I could hardly tell Hammond that could I?  Oh sorry, General Hammond, sir, Daniel and I had a falling out.  He's finally had enough of my condescension and arrogance and doesn't want to play with me anymore.  Yeah sure.

 

I had done a lot of thinking since the day that Daniel left and I was even less sure now how he would feel about seeing me.

 

I had spent most of the last three weeks trying to lose myself in work but seeing as how the general had given Carter permission to catch up on some of her science project stuff and Teal'c had spent the first couple of weeks giving weapons training to some of the newer recruits, I had ended up doing paperwork.  I couldn't avoid it any longer, I was so far behind and the general informed me enough was enough.

 

Trouble was, a lot of the paperwork was just read, stamp and sign stuff.  Mind-numbingly boring and it didn't engage my mind at all.  I shoved that on one side and concentrated on my overdue mission reports.  It had seemed a good idea at the time, recalling and writing reports of our past missions was much more interesting -- except for the fact that they were full of Daniel. 

 

How stupid was I?  Reminding myself of what I had just lost.

 

By the end of the first week I was climbing the walls.  I lay in my bed at home, unable to sleep, my mind filled with images of Daniel; images from many missions, not just the ones I was writing reports about either.

 

I was bombarded by memories of him and I saw all the emotions of a very passionate man.  Some of them aimed at me, others at his friends or even his enemies.  Daniel laughing, not at me but at something Carter said, or Teal'c. I saw him angry and frustrated, hurt and upset, smiling and in despair. I saw him deep in contemplation as he studied some artefact or some of those chicken scratches that only he could decipher. 

 

I saw him wistful, lost in thought those times when he didn't know I was watching and I always wondered what made him look so sad.  Was he thinking about his Sha're?  Missing her loving touch, her gentle concern for him, believing he would never again know such a love.

 

I wondered then in those dark, lonely hours when the night was deepest and the mind most susceptible to dark thoughts, if I had been the worst kind of fool.  Why had I just given up, let Daniel go without even a fight?  What was wrong with me?  I'd never surrendered anything or anybody in my life, why now?  Why, when this was perhaps the most important thing in my life? 

 

I'd never even given Daniel a chance to laugh in my face; to tell me he wouldn't want me if I were the last person on the planet...  Could it be I was afraid he might just say yes?

 

Okay I was afraid, afraid for what might happen to Daniel if by some remote chance he could care for me, but did that give me the right to take away his choice?  When was Daniel ever afraid of doing what he thought was right?  If there was any chance that Daniel cared for me -- damn it, say it -- loved me, he would fight heaven and earth to grab the opportunity with both hands if he believed it was what I wanted too.  Obviously he didn't know that because I was too much of a coward to tell him. 

 

I was no longer even sure if I was being honest with myself in my reasons for not telling him.  Was I really afraid of what he -- we -- might face if we were discovered?  Or was it perhaps that I did think there was some chance he had feelings for me and I was afraid of the major changes that would make in my life?

 

I had been going over and over this for three weeks now and I was no nearer to the answer.  I loved him but did I love him enough to take a risk?  Would I give up all I was for him?

 

One thing I had finally acknowledged was that I had been a complete bastard when I had pulled the rug from under Daniel's feet.  I knew, damn it I had always known just how important my friendship was to Daniel.  I had been his first real friend, he had told me that himself and though he’d made other friends since, I was important to him.  He wanted my friendship; even needed it and I had all but abandoned him without cause as far as he knew.  I knew and all I needed to know now was if he could forgive me and try to discover how he really felt about me.

 

I had come to one decision; whatever else happened I would offer my friendship back if he would take it and tell him whatever decision he made about leaving or staying with SG1, I would back his choice.

 

Now as I stood watching the chevrons light up as the Gate spun, I knew the opportunity was there to put my thoughts into words and my words into actions.  I just hoped Daniel would give me a chance.

 

~~

 

Benton met me at the Gate and he made it clear that as far as the negotiations were concerned everything was hunky dory but they still had no idea how the Ontreans had disposed of the Goa'uld.  He also made it clear that he thought perhaps Daniel knew more than he was letting on. 

 

"Like this morning, sir," Benton told me, "he goes off again with Armon..."

 

"Who?" I interrupted.

 

"The First Minister's son, been acting as a sort of liaison-cum-guide.  A geek rather like Dr. Jackson."

 

I remembered Armon, vaguely, a good-looking young man who always seemed to have lots of questions.  Not that he asked me, he usually gravitated towards Carter or Daniel.  Well who wouldn't gravitate towards Daniel, after all he is so damned attractive.... crap, gotta stop doing that.  Keep your mind on the job!

 

I nodded and smiled to myself at Benton's description; good thing Daniel wasn't around to hear the epithet of geek though, that one still rankled.

 

"Well, off he goes to yet another place without so much as a by-your-leave.  How the hell you ever managed to keep track of him for all these years, Colonel, is beyond me."

 

"Whoa!  Let me get this straight, you don't know where he is?  Are you telling me you let him go wandering off without backup?"

 

Benton looked defensive but held my gaze steadily.  "I sent someone with him for the first few days but all he did was sit about in libraries and read or visit museums and official buildings with Armon and talk and talk.  It was just damned frustrating for my men when they were needed elsewhere."

 

I could feel my mouth thinning as I raised an eyebrow and stared.... 

 

"So you didn't listen to a word I said?"

 

"Dr. Jackson insisted it wasn't necessary."  Benton's voice rose a little; at least I could still do the intimidation thing. "He said he didn't need a bodyguard, he could look after himself."

 

Of course he did!  Crafty bastard!

 

"For crying out loud!  I warned you, told you to watch his back.  Did you think I was just talking about other people?  I was talking about Daniel!"  I dragged my hand through my hair; better that than using it to lay out Benton.  I took a breath.  "And you just ...let him wander around alone with the ...the natives?"

 

Benton frowned.  "Dr. Jackson said we were here to sign a treaty and we had to gain the trust of these people and what better way to do that than to give them our trust."

 

Damn he'd done it again!  The man could wrap God around his little finger.  Wait till I get my hands on him!

 

"And you listened to him?"  I snapped.

 

Now Benton raised his eyes, "Well, yes, he is the cultural expert."

 

I spluttered, too angry and frustrated to get my words out.

 

"Sir?"

 

"Take me to someone who knows where he went," I growled.

 

~~

 

"Armon, how much longer to Paeda?" I asked, taking off my jacket and stuffing it in the saddle-pack of my horse.  Even though it was only mid-morning it was warm.

 

When Armon told me about Paeda, he said it was well worth a visit but it was further away than any of the other sites we had visited.  We discussed ways of getting there; and he was particularly pleased once he found out I could ride a horse.  He told me it would be a good way to get rid of some of the dust from all the old books we'd spent weeks pouring over.  I frowned at that and he laughed. 

 

"My father is always telling me I don't get enough exercise," he smiled at me, "and at dinner yesterday evening he asked me if I had thought of your health."

 

"My health?" I smiled back at him. "I don't think there is any need to worry about me.  I'm quite fit and have been getting plenty of exercise for years."  I had a sudden vision of following Jack and attempting to keep my eyes off his ass, and my stomach dropped that I would never do that again, wander over alien soil by his side.

 

"But you wouldn't say no to a brisk ride tomorrow and spending a few hours at one of our most sacred places, I'm sure," he’d said.

 

I politely agreed.  Anything to keep myself occupied and I had to admit the idea of galloping across the plains of this lush planet was appealing.

 

So there we were, two hours of fast riding and we still hadn't reached Paeda.  I hadn't found any mention of this place in any of the writings and Armon was being very tight-lipped about this supposed 'most sacred place'.   He kept telling me to wait and see and that I would really enjoy it.

 

Answering my question now, he called over his shoulder, "Almost there, Daniel, almost there."

 

I noted the way he glanced over at our two companions.  This was the first time Armon had insisted we take anyone with us.  He made some passing remark about it being better as we were going so far from the city, but one of the things I admired about the Ontreans was their community spirit and the consequent fairly low level of any anti-social or criminal behaviour.  That didn’t mean I hadn’t realised that there could be some kind of threat away from the city environs and I wondered if perhaps Armon was aware of something that he didn't wish to share with me.

 

My fears faded though when I saw the grins passing between all three of them.

 

Once again I got the feeling that this place was something special, just couldn't work out what, or why it hadn't been mentioned in any of the books...  What the hell?

 

What is ... oh my god! 

 

It was breathtaking!  I had never seen water that clear ...and the rocks shone like polished ebony.

 

I sat on my horse and just stared.  We'd been riding along a narrow canyon in those foothills having just left the plains.  I wasn't really taking much note of my surroundings, my mind was wandering, so when we came out of the canyon to find... 

 

The tall cliff face was black and the water cascading down it was so clear and sparkling it was like looking through diamonds and when it hit the pool below it sprayed so high and glittered until it fell back to be swallowed up by the deep blue water.  All around the pool, growing from the deep green carpet, there were tall reed-like plants with huge flower heads of every colour of the rainbow.

 

My three companions had already leapt from their mounts and as Armon walked over to me grinning all over his face I saw the other two begin to disrobe immediately. 

 

"Welcome to Paeda," Armon said grinning.

 

"This is Paeda?  Armon?"  I tried to frown but really I couldn't pull if off sincerely.

 

"It really is a national treasure, Daniel.  Come, enjoy.  My father decreed you deserved a day's holiday and where better?"

 

"It really is beautiful," I sighed.

 

"It is also slightly warm and very invigorating.  There is a mineral in the water that soothes and relaxes.  You'll love it."

 

Oh, well, when in Rome...

 

~~

 

I'd been riding this damn horse for over an hour and I was too damn hot and too damn old for this crap.  Apparently Armon and a couple of his friends have taken Daniel to some place called Paeda.   Armon's father, Hogil assured me that Daniel was perfectly safe and would be back in time for the evening meal but I insisted on going after him.  Hogil seemed puzzled by my attitude but ever the politician he readily agreed to lend me a guide to take me there.  It also turned out the quickest way to get there was by horse, not my favourite method of transport but if it got me to Daniel...

 

I'd told Benton that he and I were going to have a nice long talk when we all got back to the SGC.  He looked suitably disturbed.

 

"Hey, Pasta, how much longer?" I called to my guide.

 

"My name is Pasya, Colonel O'Neill and we are half way there."

 

"What is this place, this Paeda?"

 

"It is a place of much beauty which our people revere.  Dr. Jackson will enjoy his visit today, you may rest assured."

 

I nodded; yep anything that was old and revered my Daniel would love it.  My Daniel, if only he was mine.  I pushed that aside, first let me see he was safe and after that it would be up to him.

 

I pushed my horse faster making Pasya ride harder and after what seemed far too long he reined in and pointed me towards a canyon. 

 

"You will find Dr. Jackson at the end of the canyon with the others," he said. 

 

The sudden urge to see Daniel made me push forward leaving him in my wake and before I knew it I was turning a corner in the passage through the canyon and I found myself face to face with a beautiful sight.

 

There was some kind of waterfall dropping into a pool but all I had eyes for was the vision of the man rising out of the water; he was totally naked and utterly beautiful.  My mouth went dry as I stared at Daniel, gracefully stretching his arms above his head, the water sliding down his body, caressing his skin.  God, my hands itched to touch that smooth, silky skin.  He was laughing at something, I didn't know at what and I didn't care.  His eyes were sparkling and his mouth... oh god, his mouth. 

 

I slid slowly from my horse, gripping the saddle horn tightly; it was all that was holding me up.

 

He was moving out of the water onto the bank when suddenly he saw me.  He froze.

 

For a moment I could only stare, afraid to break the spell.

 

~~

 

I'd been having a wonderful time.  Armon had been so right, I did need to have a little fun and frolicking here with my guide and his friends had certainly been that.  I had been embarrassed at first when I realised they bathed in the nude but when it became clear they didn't know any other way I just went with the flow. 

 

The water was lovely and warm and very invigorating but I was starting to look like a prune and decided it was time to get out, at least for a while.  The idea of stretching full out on the lush grass was very tempting. 

 

I stepped out of the water and onto the grass and feeling as if someone was there, I looked up and I froze -- it had to be a dream.  Jack couldn't be there just looking at me with eyes wide with shock, I knew he was half a galaxy away -- but no, there he was right in front of me leaning against his horse as if he needed the support.  The realisation sent joy spiralling through me.  My mind told me I should be angry with him but my heart didn't care.

 

Jack was here! 

 

Oh god, Jack!  I hurried towards him, lifting my hand in greeting and then the look on his face registered. For a moment I was sure he was angry and my heart sank.  He was staring at me and I suddenly realised why.  Damn, I was cavorting about stark naked, no wonder he looked shocked. 

 

I slowed my approach and tried to think of something to say, to explain, to avoid his apparent rising anger.  He was breathing faster and faster and I expected sharp words at any moment. 

 

Till it registered that his eyes were raking my body and it was almost as if I could feel my skin heat up where his eyes seared me.  I watched in awe as he slowly raised a hand and reached out towards me.  It couldn't, he couldn't... Then he licked his lips, oh so slowly, his teeth biting his lower lip. 

 

"Jack?" I managed to croak and cursed myself for breaking the spell as his hand wavered in the air mid-way between us. 

 

Oh god, if only what I suspected was true.  If he had feelings ... wait, what if it was simple lust.  I was no fool, no matter what certain people might think, I knew I was an attractive man, just never thought I was attractive to Jack.  I didn't believe he looked at men that way but he certainly was giving me the once over.  What would I do though if it was just lust, could I let him touch me, have sex with Jack without...? No, I didn't think I could do that; sadly I was an all or nothing kinda guy.  If all he wanted was a fuck-buddy, a one-off deal, then the answer would have to be no.  If I had him once, I would never want to let him go.

 

Almost as if he could read my mind he lifted his eyes then and I met his gaze, openly, letting him see how I felt, hoping it was the same for him.   And, god, it was there, so clear, joy shining from his eyes.  Oh god, how had I missed this?

 

We were almost face-to-face now and I couldn't take my eyes from his.  "Jack?" I repeated, my voice softer now.  

 

"What... why?  Daniel... I..." he said hoarsely. 

 

"We have to talk, Jack."

 

"Talk?  What?  Oh, yeah, talk.  I guess."

 

~~

 

What did he say?  Talk? I could hardly think, let alone make enough sense to say anything.   Particularly to him.  Especially now.  Oh god, just looking at him, standing there, he was... he was fucking beautiful.  Why was this a surprise to me? 

 

I’d seen him naked before, of course, in the showers back at the SCG and even occasionally when off world but it had never affected me like this; but then I had always purposely kept myself in check, never quite allowing myself to really look.  Now I was looking -- and he was looking back, not running, not even reaching for anything to cover himself.  Not only that, he was smiling!

 

Why did I feel it had to be a dream and that if I moved everything would just fade?  Because this couldn't be real, could it?

 

Yet I knew I was awake, this was no dream.  I had just spent two hours riding there and now, behind Daniel, was my guide talking to the other guys who had been with him. I dragged my eyes back to him and now he was looking at me with a puzzled expression.

 

"Jack?"

 

No wonder he wanted to talk and I didn't know what the hell I could tell him -- what he would want to hear from me.  He didn't seem angry, not even surprised which kind of surprised me.

 

"Er ...talk, you said.  Er, yeah but..." I raked my eyes up and down his body again, I just couldn't help it.

 

"Oh, sorry," he said.

 

He was apologising?

 

Suddenly it hit me that I had made it abundantly clear to Daniel how I felt.  I hadn't been able to take my eyes off him...off his body ever since I arrived.  Don't think I could've been more obvious unless I'd worn a sign saying 'I want Daniel Jackson'. 

 

Oh damn, he wouldn't know how I felt would he?  Only how I appeared and what if he thought it was just lust?  And, of course, being Daniel that was exactly what he would think, he never considered he was worth anything, always putting everyone else before himself.  He had no idea what a special person he was.

 

"I'll just," he said indicating the pile of clothes nearby and I nodded, inwardly regretting the loss of all that glowing golden skin filling my eyes and my brain.

 

~~

 

I could still feel his eyes on me as I moved across to get some clothes on.  He still hadn't said anything, just kept staring at my body.  I had the uncomfortable feeling that I had misread what I thought I'd seen in his eyes and that all I was to him was warm, tempting flesh, just a body.  I'd never considered that Jack might be bisexual but the way he was looking at me I pretty much guessed he had to be. 

 

It was then that it occurred to me that this might have been the problem all along, why he had pulled away from me all those long months ago.  What if he had suddenly developed a ...taste for me sexually and it wasn't something he could follow through on?  Maybe he had never felt like that for a man before, perhaps he hated how he felt.  Perhaps he was afraid, even disgusted by his reaction to me.  That could be why he had been pushing me away, why he wanted me to transfer.

 

If so, nothing had changed had it?  Had it?  He didn't look angry, not even particularly upset, if anything he looked ...lost.

 

God, this was stupid.  He was standing only a few feet away, we needed to talk; I needed him to tell me how he felt.  My guessing and going around in circles was useless.  Perhaps if he knew how I felt it would make it easier for him to open up?

 

Nothing had changed for me -- I wanted to stay with Jack and the next few minutes could answer a lot of questions, providing of course that Jack was prepared to give some answers.  Anyhow, if the worst came to the worst I still had my plan to leave the SGC, though I wasn't going to tell him that yet.

 

Dressed and feeling as ready as I would ever be, I turned back to Jack.  He was standing just where I’d left him but now he was looking at his feet as he scuffed one boot into the grass. 

 

"Jack," I said softly moving as close to him as I felt I could.  If I lifted my hands I could touch him but not so close that he would feel threatened. 

 

He looked up and shrugged.  "Glad you put some clothes on or I never would've got a full sentence out ever again."

 

I felt my face heat up and suddenly he grinned and I couldn't help but grin back.

 

"Can we, err...  go somewhere a bit less crowded?" he asked.

 

"There's a glade just behind those rocks," I said and unconsciously I reached out and took his hand and warmth spread throughout my body.  As soon as our hands touched he gripped mine tightly and I looked up into his face.  He looked sheepish which, on Jack O'Neill, was quite something.

 

~~

 

When he took my hand I felt as if an electric charge was racing through my fingers and I instinctively gripped him tighter and immediately he looked at me.  He didn't say anything though, just showed me into a quiet clearing where we could get to the bit I was dreading -- talking, just not my thing.

 

"Jack..."

 

And being Daniel he got straight down to it.

 

"...the way you were looking at me?  I... You made me feel..."

 

"I know, I know, couldn't have been more obvious if I'd ...."  I stopped myself before I put my foot in my even bigger than usual mouth.  "Look, I'm sorry, you were never meant to know how I feel about you.  Thought you'd be happier getting your life back."

 

"Feel? You ...wait, my life back?  What the hell do you mean, my life is with you...and...and SG1.  Jack...?"

 

I stared at him, hardly daring to believe he could mean that. "I thought you'd had it with me, with SG1, getting shafted all the time." 

 

I didn't even realise what I had said until Daniel grinned and said, "Shafted?  All of the time?  Interesting choice of words."

 

I felt my face heat up but then he sighed and said, "Maybe, yeah, sometimes I feel like I'm just wasting my time.  I can't say I've not considered giving up and walking out but I never would, not unless..."  He suddenly stopped and gave me his full-wattage glare.  "Is that why you wanted me to transfer?"

 

"Wanted you to ....? No, no, I was ... I just wanted you to know I understood if that was what you wanted."

 

~~

 

What I wanted?  Oh god, Jack.  I smiled and took a step closer.

 

"The only thing I want is you, if you want me."

 

"I want you so much it's destroying me," he gasped, reaching out towards me -- then he aborted the movement, dropping his hand.  "Only I can't, not ...not and be your C.O."

 

"Don't you dare give me any of that military crap, Jack O'Neill!" I snapped.  If he didn't want me that was one thing but no way would I accept this.  "I know damned well you don't believe in don't ask, don't tell.  As for the rest, it doesn't apply."

 

"It doesn't?" asked Jack, his eyes wide.

 

"Not to you and me, not to SG1.  You, all of you have been treating me differently, putting my safety first, from day one and you can't deny it.  If that's you're only real reason...then stuff it and come here," I demanded.

 

~~

 

I felt my mouth drop open, a mixture of amazement and ....and, crap he'd taken me out at the knees and all I wanted to do was laugh.  I should be arguing with him, telling him he was wrong, telling him how dangerous it could be but then I remembered this was Daniel and there wasn't a stronger...

 

Oh my god!  I was so busy thinking -- yeah, me thinking, so? -- and for once Daniel was the man of action.  Got fed up waiting for me to go to him and instead he'd grabbed hold of me and ...oh, god, can he kiss...

 

~~

 

It wasn’t that often I'd seen Jack looking so dumbfounded, standing there open-mouthed just begging to be kissed, so I obliged.  I grabbed him and stuck my tongue down his throat.  For a moment he went rigid -- just shock I hoped -- and yep he soon got with the programme.  Lucky he was holding me so tightly 'cause his kiss was making my knees go weak.  I was in heaven.

 

I was holding him to me, as close as I could get without being inside his clothes with him and that thought made me scrabble for his buttons.

 

Suddenly Jack pulled out of the kiss, gasping for breath, "No, Daniel, no."

 

I released him and pulled back, surely he didn't mean...

 

~~

 

I saw the look of sheer bewildered disappointment on Daniel's face and realised he thought I didn't want him to touch me.  Thought I didn't want him... oh Daniel, if only you knew.

 

I moved into his personal space again and said softly, "I want to finish this, Daniel, more than you'll ever know, just not here, not while we are on a mission."  I brushed a hand across his cheek and he leaned into the caress, which I found so sexy.

 

I backed off quickly.

 

"I came here to see you, under orders from the General at Major Benton's request," I told him.  "Apparently, he believes you have found something that you are keeping to yourself?"

 

"Ah," he said with a slight smile, "back to business." 

 

I shrugged an apology.  "The sooner we get this mission over the sooner I can get you home and..."

 

Daniel grinned, "Well to answer your question.  Yes and no.  I haven't told him yet that I know what killed the Goa'uld.  I found that out yesterday but I also found a possible cache of Goa'uld stuff and I ... well I..."

 

"You weren't sure how he would react so you kept it quiet," I interrupted.

 

"Something like that." He looked sheepish.

 

"Daniel?"

 

"Okay, okay.  Armon took me to a rarely visited site yesterday.  Hardly anyone goes there because they can’t read the language.  It’s Goa'uld."

 

"No one here reads that?"

 

"No.  They don't even know that it was the language of the gods."

 

I was puzzled but the why of it was hardly the most important question. "What did it say?"

 

"It seemed to be a warning left for future generations but somehow the knowledge of the language has been lost -- maybe forbidden long ago or something," he shrugged.  "Anyhow, it said that the gods were dying.  From what I can gather there was a small court here, a male and female Goa'uld and their retinue.  The Goa'uld began dying one by one and the survivors rushed to leave.  It wasn't the hosts you see; it was the snakes.  None of the people became ill and the hosts only succumbed when the snake died taking the host with them."

 

"Are you sure about this?" I asked frowning.

 

"Yeah, in their hurry they left some of the Jaffa behind and they couldn't survive once their symbiotes died."

 

"Did this message say what was killing them?"

 

"No, if the Goa'uld knew they didn't say.  It could've been something biological, something endemic to this planet. The people never knew but they learned that they had never been gods.  The warning was to tell future generations, so if they returned the people wouldn't be taken in by them again.  The lesson was learned though maybe a little twisted by time."

 

"Yeah, they call them the evil gods," I said thoughtfully.  "Wait, you said you found some Goa'uld stuff?"

 

~~

 

I knew, of course, that he couldn't let that go.  "I found mention of a cache of stuff they had left.  I haven't opened it up yet.  I ...I...  Damn it Jack, I dread stuff like that falling into the wrong hands."

 

"Are mine the wrong hands?  Hammond's?"

 

"No, damn it, you know I don't mean that but you know eventually everything ends up at Area 51, the NID."

 

"I know, Daniel and I can't say it doesn't worry me either but how will we ever know when we finally find the weapon that will protect our world if we are too afraid to search?  You know it is a risk, you also know it's one we have to take."

 

I knew he was right of course; I'd only been stalling.  Why? Hammond would've ordered me in the end and I would never have refused him.  What had made me play the waiting game?  I knew I couldn't win. 

 

"Daniel?"

 

I looked up at Jack's puzzled face.  I still hadn't answered him.  Jack.  Could that be it?  Could it be that simple?  Who else would Hammond send after me if not Jack?  I smiled at my own duplicitous psyche.

 

"You're right, of course," I said. "I suppose I just wanted to make a point.  Let's go and look.  As you say, the sooner my mission is over the sooner I can go home."

 

"Home, with me," Jack said softly.

 

~~

 

Home.  Jack's house had always been a second home for me I mused as we pulled into his driveway.  I was so wound up at what was going to happen once I got inside that my hand shook as I opened the door of Jack's truck.

 

He was already striding towards his front door and he glanced over his shoulder to ensure I was coming -- my body shivered at the vision caused by that Freudian slip.

 

Jack was holding the door for me now and as I hurried forward he moved aside to let me enter, kicking the door shut and advancing on me, the epitome of the alpha predator.  It was so damned hot! 

 

However, I'd spent enough time dreaming about him that I didn't want to wait a second longer and I moved into him as we met in the middle -- in the middle of his entrance hall to be precise.  I don't know nor care who grabbed who first, I was just suddenly held tightly in his arms and his mouth was joyfully engaged in plundering mine.

 

I was so light-headed I had no memory of pushing him back to his front door but I shoved him up against it as my hands were busily trying to unfasten the buttons of his jeans, never releasing his lips for a second. 

 

So, when he pulled his lips from mine and I felt his hands pushing me away I was bereft.

 

"What ...what have I done wrong?" I gasped.

 

"Oh, god, nothing.  I just ...," he smiled and dipped his head, a rare glimpse of an embarrassed Jack.  "You'll never now how hard it was to keep my hands to myself when I saw you rising out of that pool.  Mission or not, if the others hadn't been there...."

 

"What are you saying, Jack?" I murmured, my hand caressing his bicep.

 

"I want to see you wet, I want to watch the water as it runs over your amazing body.  I want to lick it off and I want to lick the warm skin beneath.  I want..."

 

"Well what the hell are we waiting for?" I asked, my shaking hand grabbing his and towing him to his bathroom. 

 

~~

 

I laughed as Daniel dragged me to the bathroom, as if I needed dragging.  That thought took hold and I dug my heels in and yanked him back so he fell against me.

 

"Jack?" he gasped.

 

"C’mere you," I growled, ducking and pulling so he ended up over my shoulder.  My knees protested a little as I hoisted him but I ignored them, steadied myself and continued into the bathroom as Daniel whooped and laughed.  God, it was good to hear him so happy.

 

I dumped him back on his shaky feet in the bathroom and as I quickly turned on the shower I said, "Get those clothes off, now."

 

"Yes, sir, of course sir," he grinned.

 

"That's gotta be a first, you calling me sir."

 

"First and last, Jack, first and last."

 

"Not the first and last time we do this though," I said taking his face in my hands.

 

"No," he replied softly turning to kiss first one hand and then the other.  "The first of many."

 

I released him to finish undressing and I quickly shed my own clothes to follow him into the shower.  I leaned back against the glass door and watched as he stood under the water, letting it cascade over him, his eyes on me the whole time.

 

"Like this?" he asked gently.

 

"Oh god," I whispered, moving forward to make my fantasy a reality.

 

~~

 

Lying in Jack's arms in his bed as he slept I knew I really was home, finally.   Making love with him in the shower had been every bit as exciting as he'd made it sound and when he finally took me against the back wall I was so desperate to belong to him I was begging him to make me his.

 

Only a short while ago in this bed we'd had round two and this time I was inside Jack and I think I found religion. 

 

He told me all his dreams had finally come true and I quoted a few favourite lines of mine from a poem by Yeats. 

 

~ I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.~

 

"Beautiful words," Jack said, "I've always liked that but never knew where the quote came from."

 

He turned in my arms and lifted his head to look at me.  "Thank you for taking care of my dreams," he said softly.

 

What else could I do?  They were my dreams too.

 

 

FIN