...get inside my head

Tuesday, January 01 2008 0603PM

The start of a new year.
Regret, much?

Just friends?
No, no.
Can't be...
I don't want to be.

Sunday, December 01 2007 0105AM

As hard as you've been trying to ignore it,
everything that you left in the back of your
mind still exists. At the end of the day,
when you're left with nothing but your own
screaming mind, when there's no one there to
pull your own train of thought away from
what you've been trying so hard to stray away
from, when your own protective barrier is
knocked down by none other than the abyss of
your own waking conscience, you realize
that...nothing has changed. It's all still
there - that emptiness, that void, that
unmistakable feeling of loss.

A n d i t a l w a y s w i l l b e .

Sunday, November 04 2007 0128AM

I've run out of words.

I give up.

Wednesday, May 09 2007 0637PM

That look of yours breaks my heart
and scares me to death.

I'm kind of pitiful.

Like a lost puppy.

Wednesday, March 07 2007 1248AM

Everything's over.
It's all over.
Gone.

So much has happened in the past three years.

Bittersweet nostalgia in the early hours of morning.
Should I smile?
Should I cry?
Should I even care?

The past is long gone, and the future is looking up.
I wish I could forget everything.
I wish I could forget all of it.

Remembering hurts too much.

I tell myself I'm finally okay.
But
I know better than that.

Friday, February 3 2007 1204PM

You told me "Call me if you need me."

You hugged me goodbye,
and walked away.

Every fiber of my body
wanted to reach out and stop you.

Every fiber of my body
wanted to run after you.

Every fiber of my body
wanted to tell you that I will always need you.

But everything in me
knew that it didn't even matter.

Everything in me
knew that it would never happen.

And everything in me
died today.

Saturday, January 27 2007 0958PM

I'm nothing but a waste of time.
That picture isn't right.
I'm not meant to be there.
So, take me out of it.
I'll take myself out of it.
It's over for me, all of it.
And there's nothing more for me.
Not here, not there.
Nope.

I guess I've had enough of myself.

All of my regrets are nothing new.

I was never meant to be there in the beginning.
Because all that I do and have ever done
is hold you back.

But don't worry about me.
I'll always be here.

Sunday, January 21 2007 0856PM

Oh, and just in case you haven't noticed,
I'm not o-fucking-kay.

Saturday, January 20 2007 0137PM

I walk now.
I walk in the dark. Alone.
The pavement looks undiscovered, unexplored.
I almost think that someone is always ahead of me,
beyond my vision,
hearing the faint laughter of those who love me.
My mere imagination..

Looking behind me,
I see daylight, and the entrance from which I took this lonely path.
I dare not return to it.
But simply because I can't.

Looking ahead,
I see nothing but darkness
as the shrubs and trees bordering this path
gets closer and closer to the pavement.

The paths that I have chosen up to now make me question why I took them at all.

Monday, August 21 2006 0207AM

It's been five days since then. That's a short time, isn't it? I feel so sleepy but I don't want to sleep.
There are times when I feel happy...when I feel free. But there are times when I miss him so much. I miss his arms around me...I miss taking naps with him. I miss feeling his warmth, his love. All of those little, cute, sweet actions that he did. I miss so many things about him. But it's only sometimes. It's only when I'm alone, when I have nothing to do but think.
I'm not as hurt as I was last time. I'm 10x less hurt than last time. Maybe because I was prepared for it, and maybe because I partially wanted it. I don't feel much anymore. I don't feel like everything reminds me of him. I don't feel hurt when I'm reminded of him. I feel like I'm accepting it. But there are just so many things that I miss.
I sort of wonder if I really do miss him. Maybe I miss just having a boyfriend in general. The feelings that I get and the physical part. Do I really miss Max himself? Do I miss the person he is? But I loved his actions...
I think about everything and it feels so long ago. I haven't felt his touch for so long. Whenever I imagine his hugs..I could almost feel it. I could almost feel his arms wrapping around my sides, my back against his chest, everything I loved. When I go to sleep, I can almost imagine him there with me, sleeping beside me, hugging me, holding me close. When I think about those things, I can't help but miss him. I can't help but think about how much I really loved those things.
I want so bad to go back to him. I want so bad to feel loved again, to feel important..to feel like someone is so interested in my day. I miss how he seemed to take away my stress. God, I miss him so much. I miss him so much...I miss everything. I miss just having someone there. Knowing that someone will always, always be there. He was everything to me. It's hard to feel single. I feel the same as I always have for the past year. I don't feel how I would've wanted to feel...
I miss him so much. This only happens to me when I have nothing to do. You know how I kick my troubles to the back of my mind. I don't do it on purpose. It just happens. When I run out of things to think about, run out of things to do, I just start to think and then I can't stop. I suppress everything in my mind and just save it for later.
I talked to him on the phone today. I told him about Jien's dinner. The way that he talked to me..I wasn't used to it. It sounded so cold. I was "just a friend." I am "just a friend" now. I'm nothing more. Is that how he always sounds? Is it just me, or did it sound cold? Almost cold...His tone of voice is different. Maybe it's because I'm not his girlfriend anymore. Maybe he's trying not to care. Where was he today? I didn't see him online...
I don't feel single. I don't feel single. I want to feel single. I'm free yet I'm not. I'm single but I'm not. He's still in my mind. He still preoccupies my heart. What can I do? How can I go through with this? I will never accept it. I don't think I could. I don't think I'm able to. God I miss him so much. I miss him so much...Does he miss me? Does he still think about me? Does he still cry?
I feel like I can't cry anymore. It's impossible. I say that but then I'm starting to tear up right now. Barely. Why can't I cry? Why can't I just cry my heart out?
Like all those other times before...
Why can't I...
I want to get over him. I tell myself that. I'm telling myself that. But there's still that part of me that tells me not to leave him. There's still that part of me telling me that I'm making such a big mistake. We pinky promised...We pinky promised to do this. What am I thinking?
God...I miss him...
He was my motivation...
I miss you, Max.
Do you know that?

Sunday, August 13 2006 0443PM

In my heart...
In my head...

There are still traces of you.
I find you here...
...here with me.

Forbidden, yet...

You're in the grass.
You're in the moon.
You're in the night sky.
You're everywhere I am...

but not seen.

Traces of you.

Thursday, July 20 2006 0634AM

"Catch up, catch up."
Time teases us with her wispy fingertips.
Our hand, outstretched.
Our fingers, extended.
Calling out to her.
Telling her to wait.

But before we know it,
she's gone.

It's been awhile, huh?

Tuesday, October 04 2005 0952PM

Pure Perfection.

May time freeze for me?

My need is nothing more.
And for once,
I am vulnerable.

The keys,
in your palm all along.

You opened the door.

And I let you in.

Friday, July 29 2005 1051PM

As we rush through the endless stream of raindrops,
pouring hard enough to handicap my vision,
I still feel your grasp upon my hand,

And may it remain there.

Thursday, July 07 2005 0300AM

I am guilty.

My thoughts recoil back to the unwanting.

Wanting nothing more than one.
Desire...for none other than you.

But upon having no choice?
Upon giving myself no choice?

The used.
I fear for you...
A broken heart is impossible to mend,

when torn by one your wishes follow.

And I am the one to know?

Flashbacks to another time...

I remember you.

But you do not let me fall short of happiness...

Tuesday, June 14 2005 1009PM

This road I travel down
I look back, the past.
It is too far away to capture.
The distant memories.
They become nothing but glimpses of what could have been.

And it is over.
There is nothing left.
Nothing left to do, but to look ahead.
Leap into the unknown.

I fear...

To wander away from the comforting arms
That those images possess.
Out into the cold.
Utterly alone.

The brutal awakening that they have forced upon me.

And with my guiding lights,
I will make it.

Monday, April 18 2005 0710PM

I watch him,
as he jogs ahead of me.
I slow down.
I don't understand
his endurance.
Seems as though
he keeps on pushing.
I trail far behind.
Eventually
coming to a stop.
I cannot catch up.
Can't keep up.
He moves ahead
without me.
Without me. Without me.
Left behind.
Stuck behind.

In the past.
In his past.

Thursday, April 14 2005 0726PM

Thoughts and feelings
too complex to express.
Easier to keep to myself.
Words could not possibly describe.
Everything inside,
eating away at my mind.
Unable to leave me alone.
Not a second of peace,
may it give me.
"Forget, Forget"
Words could seem so simple.
Everyday,
not a word uttered.
Happy as I appear to be.
All lies, inside this shell.
From the outer world.
Gibberish to me,
to all.
Impossible to reach me,
into me,
deep into my eyes.
I am no longer there.
In a corner, I hide.
Fears engulf me.
Senseless.
Floating.
Where am I everyday?
A maze.
Lost in my mind,
my thoughts,
my words.
Who's to blame?
No one but myself.

Unreachable.

Tuesday, March 29 2005 0216PM

Sitting here in the classroom,
my eye is caught by the window.
It's such a gloomy day.
The sky so gray
The grass so damp
The day so dark,
as my emotions are one with the outside world.
But what is this?
A single tree in sight,
in the courtyard of Apollo.
The leaves,
a vibrant green,
blending well with the deep black-brown of its wood.
Although violent winds screech at its branches,
it merely sways, to and fro,
taking the wind's harsh blows.
It stands, unabashed,
unaffected,
indifferent.
One thing lightens the day of the courtyard,
Always welcoming.
Always there.

...i thank you guys...
always.

Sunday, March 27 2005 0326PM

It is...difficult to imagine. Everytime I try, it makes me want to break down. I keep on thinking about so many things that are going to change, so many things I won't be doing - thinking. Habits I have developed will become useless, and hurt me. Things I do mindlessly will remind me of the truth. The memories of the rain, the stars, the corners of my very own neighborhood, will haunt me. I just seem to float across these, lost in my own mind. I find it hard to believe...

May it rest in peace.
May it leave my mind with these very words.
May it allow me to forget.

May it be.
o912o4 - o325o5

Friday, March 18 2005 0806PM

the sun begins to set.
the red skimming the horizon is enveloped by a deep blue.
one by one, street lights flicker on as the blue fades to gray.
the trees sway in the gentle breeze.
cars are heard in the distance,
bringing the memory of the ocean's waves.
it gets darker.
the lights of the city begin to glow below, as the stars begin to appear above.
chills are sent down my spine with each whisper of the wind.
lights of the distant cars move across the scenery,
as if the horizon is shimmering.
it is b l i s s.
it is s e r e n i t y.
the joy of sweet simplicity.
- clears my mind.
it is my escape
from the chaos - down below.
a place that does not allow me to think.
a p a r a d i s e.

Hosted by www.Geocities.ws