| That was the day she decided Mary Sue had to die. Oh, sure it started out like any other day. It was a normal, uninteresting day as Lilly went to check on her reviews on Fanfiction.net. She logged in and checked for any new reviews. "WHAT?" She screamed. "How in the hell did I not get any new reviews on IM? Well, maybe it's just been a slow month or three online." Heading to the Wrestling section she fought the urge to puke her guts out. "Rock's sister comes to WWF to pave her way? Undertaker's daughter shows up and challenges her dad? New valet romances Hardy Boy and rises to top of the federation? WHO WRITES THIS SHIT?" Calming herself down, she decided that Mary Sue had to die. It was time for Lilly to get some answers. "Hello? Yes, this is Lilly V, I'd like to speak to the Fanfiction Gods, Mary Sue department if they're available? Uh huh, yes, I can hold." After a long pause, she heard a click. "Fanfiction Gods, Mary Sue department, how can I help you?" "Yes, this is Lilly V, alias Lilly Violent?" "Ah, yeah, the IM girl! And you're a Bitter Wine fan too, ain't ya?" "Uh, yeah. Look, I have a bone to pick with you guys. What the hell is up with this whole proliferation of Mary Sue? It's taking over FF.net!" "Can't help you Lilly! You know we want to, since you never posted that horrible Mary Sue Buffy/Highlander fic you did a couple years back, but it's out of our hands. Apparently those people don't have quality muses..." "Well, isn't there anything you can do about that?" "Nope, sorry. The muses won't work for those girls, you know how much they hate getting Mary Sue'd." "Yeah, I know, Jeff won't ever let me do...WILL YOU JEFF?" Lilly heard her muse bitch from behind her. "YOU WANT ME TO LEND YOU TO MERC? I'LL LET HER GIVE YOU TO RAVEN!" There was a yelping noise. "Yeah, that's what I thought..." Lilly growled. "So, anyway, what do I do about this crap eating up web space?" "Well...there's a chance...but it'll require you to do something you might not like..." "What?" "Well, since Mary Sue only exists in fanfiction, the only way to destroy her is through fanfiction. In fact the only way to kill Mary Sue is to..." "I'm going to have to Mary Sue myself, aren't I?" "Yeah, pretty much." "What do you mean, pretty much?" "Well...it's going to require you to Mary Sue yourself and...uh...a crossover...and people have to read this one." "Oh, dear god. I have to Mary Sue myself and let people read it. I may have to kill myself..." "Nope, Mary Sue wouldn't do that. Keep in character now!" "Up your ass with a rubber hose!" Lilly muttered before hanging up. This is the fanfiction last Will and Testament of Lilly Violent, alias Lilly V, alias Lil's. In case after writing this last fic my mind is so horribly warped that I end up as one of the frigging teenybopper bimbos who writes only Mary Sue, I leave behind the following. Mercury 32 and Scattia: I leave you two the rights to Intergalactic Medley, and I pray the two of you will continue it in side steps, or heaven forbid, another sequel. Mercury, in case I lose sight of what's important, I want you to take over Ladies Night, keep our flame burning...or better yet get it started. Scattia: Those Trish boots Steph got in exchange for Trish? Yours. Katie, I leave you the choice of my muses, first pic is yours. Just let Lita live, PLLLLLEEEEAAASSSE? Thank you. Falln, whatever you want, take it. Like I said, my only request is that Lita remain a living muse. Clo, lirpa, I hardly knew thee. Keep the board insane, and never lose sight of the ultimate goal, trading Trish for a pair of funky boots. To all my girls: Thank you for your support in all my endeavors. I hope this is not goodbye. In fact, I hope this is only the beginning of the end for Mary Sue. Yours truly, Lilly Violent Lilly sighed as she finished the post on The Asylum. "Here goes nothing," she muttered to herself as she looked over her assembled muses. "I'm sorry guys, but this has to be done. Mary Sue has to die. Now. Any of you who want to leave can leave. I don't care where you go. Just let Merc alone, she's got enough muse related problems. Now, if you're going...go." There was a shared look among the muses. Finally, Jeff just looked at Lilly with hooded eyes. "Lilly...I..." "I understand. Go on, I'm not stopping you. More over, I can't blame you. We're about to sink pretty damn low." Spike placed his hand on Lilly's shoulder. "It's going to be okay, love. We're going to get that bitch." Steph nodded in agreement. "Let's get to it!" Faith twirled a stake around her fingers. "I'm looking forward to it." Lilly sat back down on her bed, laptop in her lap. "Alright...here we go." "You're going to be doing WHAT for a living?" "I told you Faith, I got a job wrestling," Lilly told her sister on one of her visits to the Los Angeles Women's Penitentiary. "They want me to start as soon as possible." "You're not serious, are you?" Faith asked. "I mean, come on, you're going to have to PRETEND to fight!" "Faith, this is something I WANT to do. And I'm ready for it. I promise I'll still come visit you when I'm in town. At least until you get out." "I still can't believe you're going to do this!" Faith exclaimed. "Believe it Faith, this is my dream. And I'm going to achieve it." Leaving the prison, Lilly looked into the darkened sky. She was heading for her car when she heard the noise behind her. "Aren't you supposed to be bothering the population of Sunnydale?" She yelled over her shoulder. 2 A British voice answered her. "Come on love, like you're not happy to see me." "I haven't even looked at you yet, blondie." "Are you going to?" Lilly spun around to face a young blonde man in a black duster. "Spike, what are you doing here?" "I'm here to talk to you about that little agreement we had a few years back." "You mean the one where if I was ever going to leave I'd tell you?" "Yeah, that'd be the one." "Spike, what we had is long gone. It ended a long time ago. We both know that." "I can't accept that, Lilly. I can't stand the thought of someone else having you." "Well, learn to stand it!" Lilly screamed at him. "I'm leaving Spike! I'm getting away from you!" Lilly heard the bus pull up. She left without saying another word and got on the bus. Spike watched the bus pull away. "No, love, you're not." << "Wait just a second," Spike interrupted Lilly's frantic typing. "When would I have had time to date Faith's sister? I was with Drew, then moved on to Harmony, then Buffy." "And since when do I have a sister?" Faith asked. "Look, it's Mary Sue, you guys. It doesn't have to make sense. People come out of the past that in no way could have actually existed. Now, can I get back to humiliating myself?" "Feel free," both of them answered.>> The next day, Lilly arrived at the Staples Center, ready to make her big debut. "I wonder who I'll be wrestling," Lilly pondered. "Hopefully it'll be someone like Stacy, or Stacy!" "Lilly, I've made a decision," Vince told her. << "Where'd he come from?" Steph asked. "Mary Sue," Lilly reminded. "Right, sorry, forgot.">> "Lilly, I've made a decision. I've decided you're too good to wrestle the other women. So, I'm going to put you in the running for the WWF Championship!" "Oh, Vince, wow! What can I say?" "No need to say anything Lilly, just remember who did this for you when Flair comes to talk to you." "Alrighty Mr. McMahon!" Lilly answered as she entered the ladies' locker room. Once in the locker room, the other girls just looked at her. "Hi, I'm Lita!" the red head grinned. "I do the moonsault, it is fun." << "What the hell is that?" Lita yelled at Lilly. Then, pausing "Right, forgot. Mary Sue. Continue.">> "Hi Lita! I'm Lilly! I'm going to wrestle and fall in love with one of the hot twinks around here!" "Twinks?" Trish asked. << "And you felt the need to use the slash term in there...because?" Jericho demanded. "It was the only word that came to mind." "Katie's corrupting you, isn't she? You're gonna start writing slash, aren't you?" HHH's eyes grew wide with fear. "NO! I'M NOT GOING TO WRITE SLASH!" "Shit," Faith sighed. "And I was looking forward to getting some Lita." "WHAT?" Lita spun on the brunette. "Now she sounds like Austin," Spike interjected. "FOCUS! NOW!" Lilly screamed. >> Lilly changed into her wrestling gear and left the locker room. On the way out she ran into Jericho. "You're the little bitch whose got a match against me tonight, aren't you?" Jericho asked her. "Yes, I am. And I'm going to be the first female undisputed champion!" "No, you're not. I'm going to defeat you! I'm Chris Jericho! I'm better than anyone! I kick ass..." "Would you please just SHUT THE HELL UP?!" Lilly yelled at Jericho, surprising him as she ripped off his catch phrase. "Helllo Jericho. Do you want Head? `Cause I'm not about to Suck It. OH Hell Yeah, I'd rather Shatter your Dreams and besmirch your ass. That ring is MY yard, ya know? What about me? It's me, it's me, it's Lilly V. And you're thinking `Tell me she did not just say that', but it's true, it's damn true. If ya smmmmmmeeeeeeeeeelllllla la la la la la la.... What the V, is cooking." << "This is just sad," Jericho commented. "This just keeps getting worse." "Hey, at least you haven't met Grandma Hell," Lilly told him. "Who is Grandma Hell?" "My brother's creation, but I'm saving her for a plot hole. Now, we get on to the match.">> Lilly headed down to the ring, the song "Stronger" blasting in the background. << "Britney? Your theme's by Britney?" Jericho asked. "Sorry!" Lilly apologized. >> Lilly headed down to the ring, the song "Click, Click, Boom" blasting in the background. << "Better," Jericho nodded. >> As soon as she hit the ring, she ducked under the ropes and stood in the center of the ring, then ran and posed on the turnbuckles. Everyone cheered, even though they'd never seen or heard of her before. Jericho's countdown and theme began, and he appeared at the top of the ramp with both belts draped over his shoulders. He showboated as he came down to the ring. When he was finally in the ring, he got right into Lilly's face. She stared him down, even though he had at least six inches on her, he was frightened of the small statured girl. She looked dangerous as she looked at him that way. Jericho was tempted to just give the belt up without a fight. How was he going to beat this small girl with absolutely no previous wrestling experience? The bell rang and the match began. It went back and forth for a while, before Jericho nailed Lilly hard with a forearm and then went for the walls of Jericho. Lilly felt the pain in her lower back as she reached for the ropes. A burning sensation was all over her as she dragged her body to the ropes. Screaming, she reached, just missing the ropes. She drew in a breath and reached again, this time making contact and forcing Jericho to break the hold. Helping herself back up with the rope, Lilly then threw herself at Jericho, nailing him in the chest and knocking him to the ground. She grabbed his legs and proceeded to drive her elbow into his crotch. << "OW!" Jericho remarked. The rest of Lilly's male muses all grabbed themselves. "Do you have any idea how much that HURTS?" Spike asked. >> Lilly grabbed Jericho's head and lifted him up into Pedigree position. Everyone gasped, had she trained with Hunter before? What was going on? Just as Lilly was about to plant Jericho's face onto the mat, a figure ran out of the audience and hit her across the back with a steel chair. Lilly turned around just in time to see Spike, his teeth grating and his eyes burning, swing the steel chair at her again. << "Chip?" Spike asked. "Plot hole," Lilly assured. >> Lilly was knocked unconscious. Back at her laptop, Lilly became aware of the silence around her. She was alone. Her muses had run. That could only mean one thing. "Mary Sue," she hissed. The young woman stepped forward, smirking evilly at Lilly. "You honestly think you're going to stop me? Come on Lilly!" She waved her hand over her face and morphed into Lilly. "Why don't you realize that you could BE me? You could have anyone in the WWF you want..." Lilly tried to tear her eyes away from Mary Sue, but it was too late, she'd been sucked in. "You could have Matt, or Edge, or anyone! And you could conquer the federation! You could do anything, if you were just me..." Lilly felt Mary Sue place her hands on her shoulders and whisper in her ear "Type..." When Lilly woke up, Edge was standing over her, looking worried. "Oh, Lilly, thank God you're awake. I was getting so worried..." he leaned in to kiss her on the lips. "Edge," she whispered. Mary Sue could feel Lilly fighting back. "NO!" she told Lilly. "Kiss him! You're mine!" "She's nobody's!" A southern-laced voice cried from the doorway. Mary Sue felt herself being torn away from Lilly. She saw only a streak of purple hair. Lilly tried to clear her head. "Jeff..." she asked. "I'm right here! I got halfway to Merc's and realized you were right. She'd give me to Raven. And I couldn't desert you." Mary Sue shoved Jeff off of her. "You can't do anything! I'm more powerful than any muse out there!" "Yeah," Lilly gloated, "but are you more powerful than...GRANDMA HELL?" The door flew open once more, to reveal an old woman who had the build of Moolah, dressed in a pair of blue denim overalls and a white top. Cowboy boots were on her feet, and Trish's cowboy hat was perched on top of her bushy gray hair. Kane's mask covered her face. "What the hell?" Mary Sue asked. "Exactly!" Grandma Hell exclaimed. Jeff and Lilly sat down on the bed to watch the ensuing fight. Grandma Hell slammed Mary Sue's face into the mirror over the dressers, spilling glass all over the place. "Oh, that looked like that hurt!" Jeff exclaimed. "Well, Mary Sue should know better than to mess with Grandma Hell!" Lilly exclaimed. Mary Sue shoved Grandma off of her, but Grandma held onto Mary Sue's top. The top ripped right off of the bitch. "PUPPIES!" Jeff yelled. "Oh, calm down!" Lilly ordered. Grandma grabbed Mary Sue and, using a tombstone, drove her into the cement floor of the dorm room. "Oh ma GAWD! There was a hit straight outta Kentucky!" Lilly yelled. "WHAT THE HELL?" Jeff asked her. "EXACTLY!" Mary Sue's eyes were rolling as she fought to stay alive. "Please, please, let me live...imagine...what would a world be like...without Mary Sue?" Lilly closed her eyes and smiled. "Picturing it..." "You don't get it, do you Lilly? You can't destroy me! It's like a balance of good and evil! You destroy Mary Sue and the order of the universe will be upset. Like it or not, I'm here to stay. Besides, others will take my place. There are enough out there to keep the fandom in Mary Sue into the next millennia. When the world ends, the only things left will be cockroaches and Mary Sue's." Lilly finally got off of her bed and stood over Mary Sue. "Well, too bad. `Cause I'm killing you. Right now." Sitting back down at her laptop, Lilly smirked. Just as Edge was about to kiss Lilly, she gasped, dying from severe head wounds. Edge looked grossed out. "I'm not kissing a dead chick!" he yelled. He headed back to the arena, where nobody even really remembered who Lilly V was. She was buried in an unmarked grave, left alone, forgotten for the rest of time. Mary Sue curled up and died. "Gross," Lilly squealed "There's dead Mary Sue on my rug!" "We'll take care of it," Spike reassured her. "Oh, good to see you're back." "We had to leave when she showed up. Part of the rules." "And Jeff could help because?" "He didn't participate in the writing of the story, he was cleared to kick her ass." "Alright folks...time to post this on ff.net." "You got HOW many flames your first day?" Merc asked Lilly later on IM. "Um...around thirty. People hated that story, but it had to be done." "Thirty flames? Wow, that's more than most slash fics get?" "Yeah, you know how many people ripped on me for even mentioning slash in my story?" "Well, what are you going to do with them?" "Post the funny ones on my web site and let people laugh. I think I'll even add comments at the end of each." "Hey, that's cool. Link me?" "Promise." "Oh, and now Raven's pissed off because Jeff only got halfway here." "Sorry. He's out of control. All of them are." "Yeah, I know, I know. Chyna is still begging me to finish that RTC fic..." And the conversation went on in the same way. But Mary Sue's still roam the earth. Beware of Mary Sue. She's there, waiting, right behind you. She'll seduce you with the promise of any man you want, any title you want, but it comes at a terrible price. Remember, MARY SUE MUST DIE! |