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| A Collection Of Customer Stories. Some funny, some surreal, all true. I like working in retail. People are most entertaining. Just a reminder. I'm a bookseller. Working in a bookstore. All v. straightforward really. |
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| The Kid "Do you sell walkmans?" "Erm, no, we're a bookstore. Try Argos next door." "They're shut!" Try Argos when they're open, then. |
Confused? "Where do you keep your wallpaper?" Uh? On the walls mostly. "Beg your pardon?" "Where's the wallpaper?" Uh? some more "Weeee doooon't sell wallpaper madam." "Why are you called Boarders then???" 1- we're called Borders. 2- you're a moron. |
Dream On Over The Phone "Hi, where exactly are you located? I'm in the car, can you give me directions?" "Sure, where are you?" She's half an hour away "I'm afraid we're closing in five minutes, madam." "Oh. Can you hold the store open for me though?" Mmmmmm lemme think... no. |
Let Me Grab My Magic Wand "Hi, I'm looking for the Office boxset, on DVD please." "I'm afraid there isn't such a thing, madam." "What do you mean there isn't?? There must be! I want it!" There just isn't. It's not personal. It doesn't EXIST! |
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| The Cretinous Bitch "Where are your biographies?" "We don't have a separate section, they're by subject. Whose biography are you looking for?" "I don't remember." A few polite questions to try and work out who & what they do later: "You're just not helping! I'll look myself! Where's the non-fiction section?" See the sign that says Fiction there? That'll be the remaining 2,500m2. Now get lost. |
Road Rage "How do I use your public announcement system? I want to make an announcement!!" "We don't normally let customers use it. I'll do it for you though. What is it about?" "I just got a fifty-pound parking ticket!! It's not fair! You must warn your customers!!" "It is for you to follow the car-park rules, sir, they are clearly stated on the signs." "BUT NO ONE reads SIGNS!" ... and that's how they get parking tickets... |
The Aggressive One "I'm an angry customer! I want a refund for this CD!" "Sure, may I ask what is wrong with it?" "It's got music on it!!!! It's not what I wanted! That's false advertising! You deceived me!!! Someone should sue you!" Over a �6.99 crappo CD that you didn't like? I don't think so. |
OUR AWARD WINNER!!! What? Excuse me? "Excuse me, I just saw those two books on the shelf, and they have different titles, I don't really understand though, what's the difference between them?" "Er... they... will... be... different... books... then..." The mind boggles... |
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| Ground Control To Major Dufus. "I've been looking for the Harry Potter books for ten minutes! You don't have them! They're not under P!" "I'm sorry, you'll have to look under R for Rowling, sir." "Who the hell is Rowling and what do they have to do with anything???" Yes, Harry Potter wrote the Harry Potter books. HE'S NOT REAL! As can be inferred from the fact that he's a bloody 10-year-old wizard with a pet owl! |
Still Confused? "Do you sell tablecloths?" Uh? 'Fraid not. |
Confused And Wet "Do you sell umbrellas in here?" "I'm afraid we don't." "But it's raining!!!" I know! I walked to work in it! But we still don't! |
Tell Me A Story "Do you have any true stories in here?" Again: See the sign that says Fiction there? That'll be the remaining 2,500m2. |
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| Are You Listening To Me AT ALL? "Hi, I'd like this movie on video, please." "I'm sorry, we only have it on DVD." "Can I see it?" "Of course. Do you have a DVD player?" "Yes, I'd just like to have a look at it." Then, looking at it: "What's this?" "It's a DVD." "But I don't have a DVD player!" Yes. That's a problem. Another problem you might want checked is your evident hearing deficiency. |
What World Do You Live In? "Where are your biographies?" "We don't have a specific section, they're by subject. Whose biography are you looking for?" "I can't remember." "What do they do?" "I don't know! You should have a Biographies section! Then I would have found it!!" No you wouldn't have. |
It Doesn't Exist! "You know the TV programme French Leave? Is there a book?" "Yes there is. They made a cookbook. Would you like to see it?" "Yes please." Looking at said cookbook: "But it's a cookbook! It's not what I want. See, what I want is a book that tells their story." "I'm afraid this is all there is at the moment. Maybe they'll make one at some point." "Because you see really I want the book that tells the story." Well give me a pen and a couple of years then. |
A Colleague One, Now Me teaching a new starter how to shelve: "Basically, pick up book, find out subject on price sticker, shelve alphabetically in right section. Dead easy, really." "Ah okay." One minute later: "What do I do if there isn't any space on the shelf?" You make space! That's as challenging as shelving gets! |
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| Confused Again? Over the phone: "Hello, could you put me through to your furnishing department?" "Our furnishing department?" "Yes you know, three-piece suites, that sort of thing." I know what a furnishing department is. What I don't know is why you're looking for one in a bookstore. But hey, live and learn. |
You're Hiding Them From Us Aren't You. "Are all your books on the shelves?" No, we don't really want your money you know. Besides sometimes they get bored and we take them to the park. |
It Wasn't A Good Year Anyway "Do you have 1985?" "1985?" "Yes, George Orwell." Is it the sequel then? Or are you just an imbecil? |
Define "Shut" "Erm, madam, I'm sorry, the store's closing now." "Oh okay. I'll just look at the books though." No you won't!! Just get the fuck out!!!!!! |
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| A Classic "Are your books alphabetical by author?" Nah, by their neighbour's dog's middle name. We're devious like that. |
Non-Fiction Again. "Where's the majority of your non-fiction?" "Non-fiction is a little vague, it will be everything but the Fiction section really," I say sweetly. "So if I was looking for Nelson Mandela would it be under N or M?" Can you hear yourself? Do you have any idea what you're talking about? At all? |
It's All Going Titanic "Do you have any non-fiction books about the Titanic?" Yes. Mostly they are non-fiction. As a rule. |
Look! A Large Rabbit! "That Peter Rabbit storytime you're having with Peter Rabbit as a guest, is that a man in a costume ?" Nah it's a giant bunny in a blue blazer, of course. |
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| Now I'm Confused "Hello, I'd like to learn sign language, do you have anything?" "Sure, we've got quite a few handbooks and dictionaries." "Ah but see I'd really rather have an audiobook though..." So... how does that work then? |
Cravings Just Can't Wait "Hello, can I do my shopping in here?" "Sure, are you after a particular book, I'll find it for you if you like." "No, I need pasta." Tesco's down the road, she shrugs and walks away. |
The Lost Decade "I'm looking for this track, I can't remember the title or who it's by but it's from 1985. Can you help?" "Well, we could look at some 80s compilations." Hands her a couple. "Oh no, it's older than that." "Okay. Maybe we could look at some seventies stuff then." "Mmmm no it's definitely more recent than the 70s." "But older than the 80s." "That's right. Any ideas?" "So it's from before the 80s but after the 70s?" "Yes. Definitely!" Funny, when I think back on that decade it draws a blank. |
I'm Going To Hurt You "I was told over the phone that you sell a-month-a-page diaries and now I can't find any! I want to speak to a manager!! I came from a long way!" "A-week-a-page diaries? They're over here, madam, with all the calendars." "A-month-a-page!!!!" "Ah. Well, I don't know if they make those." "THEY DO! I'VE SEEN THEM BEFORE!!!" So have I. They're called calendars and there are about 10,000 right in front of you. |
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| Ouch. Big word. "Hello, I'm looking for this biography of Michael Jackson." "Okay, so a specific one then. Would you know who the author is, or is it the latest one maybe?." "It's that one about his life." That narrows it down then. |
Big word Again "Do you have the autobiography of Gengis Khan?" Oh yeah. That one he had ghost written by Attila the Hun. |
Lordy Lord. "You know that programme on the telly, Bleak House? Have they made a book to go with that?" Not specifically, no. |
The Bookseller's Urban Myth "Hello, I'm looking for this book called Anne Frank's Diary, I'm not sure who wrote it though..." I swear, I thought this one was a bookseller's myth. A legend. The Grail of dumbness. But it's true!! It happened to ME! |
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| Nothing like a classic. "Hello, I'm looking for Willy Wonka." "Okay, there you go, Charlie and The Chocolate Factory." "No but I'm after Willy Wonka though." "This is it really. Willy Wonka isn't in the title but that's the book." "I thought it was called Willy Wonka though." "Well the film was called Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, but not the book." "OH I SEE, it was a film before it was a book!!" No. No it wasn't. |
More Charlie Mayhem "I need a Roald Dahl book called the Glass Experience." "There is one called the Greast Glass Elevator..." "NO THAT'S NOT IT!" Guess what. It is. |
More Roald Dahl Mayhem. "Has Roald Dahl written anything new this year?" Not for the ten years he's been dead, no. Lazy fella. |
Give her a dictionary "Hello, I'm looking for this book called Excel Explained, I saw it in WHSmith, it's got a purple cover and it says Exclusive to WHSmith on the front, do you have it in stock?..." Not that particular one, no. We do have a formidable range of dictionaries though. |
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| Can I slap you now? "Hi I want Animals by Orville!" Animal Farm by Orwell she meant. Oh just fuck off will you. |
Two in one "Do you have the Davinki Code?" "Do you have the Bedinssi Code?" Poor Leo. |
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