12.19.03
I can't stop the pain. So I begin to go insane. I cry every night. Just from the sight. Of knowing she might die. Will make me deny. That somethings wrong. I say I'm strong. You think I'm ok. But what can you say? You turned me away. Because I talk about her 24/7. Fuck you then. All I do is sin. Again, I blame myself. For all her pain. She cries for so long. I wish she would stay strong. I can't take it all. I think I'm beginning to fall. I want to fall in her arms. She's my lucky charm. I love her dearly. I wish she would see it clearly. That she has me.

I don't want Mallory to kill herself. Just thinking about that freaks me out. Ok vision this:

Going into a room and finding your child or friend lying there dead. So much goes on in your head. All the fear comes to your mind. You can't get it away. You freeze. You can't move. Your pulse is racing, yet you feel dead. Everything is moving so fast. The walls around you are spinning. You don't know what to do. You don't know what to think, what to feel. You fear looking at that body on the floor, knowing it's a loved one. Knowing you'll never hear their voice again. You'll never look at them again. You blame it all on yourself. You wonder what you did wrong. You wonder what was wrong...you can't take it all. You want to die yourself. You don't know how you're going to survive life without them. You want to blame everything on yourself and on everyone.

I can't bare thinking that. Even though I just did and I just wrote that. But really, if that happened to me. I don't know what I would feel. I can only imagine. And right now I don't want to imagine my loved ones leaving me like that.
--- I miss all the laughs me and Mallory used to have. She's been going through so much and I can't do anything to help her. I wish she could live with me. Maybe everything would be ok with her then. :-/ I really do love her and I would hate it if she left me. I hope she realizes that. I remember when I first started talking to her (again) this year. Yeah such good times. I'll never forget them. I'll never forget being obsessed with her or being madly in love with her. Maybe I am still madly in love with her. I wish things were ok with her. I want to laugh with her again. I remembered waiting for her to get on and when she did, a smile would come on my face. The whole time talking to her there was a smile on my face. I couldn't stop smiling. It was insane. I loved it all. I loved every minute that I talked to her. But I don't seem to smile anymore. I still do smile when she gets on, knowing she's still alive and she hasn't left me. I don't know. I want to smile again. I want her to be happy. So then I could be happy. I love you Mallory.

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