I hate how I love someone that lives so far away. It’s not really fair. I wish it was, but it’s not. I hate how I’ll never be with that person. I’ll never see her. Love is a strange thing. Even the distance between us doesn’t matter with me. I still love that person. Sometimes I wish I didn’t because I can’t stand loving her and not being able to be with her. Why does this shit happen? Why does it have to happen to me? I’ve tried not to love her, but it’s really hard to stop. I don’t even know why I love her. I just do. I’m glad I do. I enjoy everything about her. I’ve only seen one picture of her, I’ve never heard her voice. It’s really weird. This ‘love’ we all feel. Maybe I’m not even in love with her. But what’s this feeling then? Do you know? I’m sure you don’t. It’s got to be love, what else could it be? I’m not in love with her as much as I used to be. Oh was that hell. I was going insane. She was all I thought about, she was the only one I wanted to be around. (even if I can’t be around her) I wish I could just have one chance. Just one chance to see her. That’ll never happen though. I have no control over that sort of thing. I wish I had hung out with her before she moved, but I didn’t love her then. I didn’t really know here then. Why do I love her? Is it the distance? Meaning…she lives so far away that I know I can’t have her so I wish I could. If she were here then maybe I wouldn’t want to be with her. Maybe it’s because I don’t have to see her. It’s not like I don’t want to. I want to see her all the time, but I don’t know. Do you kind of understand what I’m getting at? It’s really confusing, this ‘love’. I don’t understand it one bit. Why would I? I don’t even know if she loves me. She said she wouldn’t go out with me because we live so far apart. I guess that’s understandable, but still just knowing that we’re together would make me so fucking happy I wouldn’t know what to think. Maybe I would. Hm? She probably doesn’t even love me the way I want her to. That’s sad to think about. Wouldn’t you agree? I think I treat her badly, but I don’t know. I hate it when she wants to die because I blame all of her pain on myself. I feel that I caused it. I’ve caused some of her pain and I’m sorry for that. I hate when she’s mad at me. I seriously can’t take that. I think she’s going to leave me. (Not that we’re together, but like, kill herself. People do that. They kill themselves over things like that.) This is all I have to say for now.

-11:14pm- (1/4/03)
Jealousy:

I have a big issue with jealousy. I always seem to be feeling it. I can't stand it either. It drives me crazy. I swear I get jealous all the time and I have no say in feeling it or not. I wish I wasn't jealous, but I am. I have to learn to live with it. When I read Mallory's entry for the 3rd yesterday it said she was going out with Kyle and right away the jealousy hit me. She knew I would get jealous and she said that in there too. So I'm trying to control myself. I won't to prove to her that I can stay 'jealousy' free (for a little while). I have the strangest ways of getting jealous. For instance, if one of my friends starts liking a guy, then I get jealous because I'm afraid they'll like leave me?. And then when they do get a boyfriend I don't want to talk to them much. It's ok for me to have a boyfriend and them not. You see how weird it is? It's like I can have a boyfriend, but you can't. Blah. I'm so messed up. Lets see how else I can get jealous. Oh if one of my good friends is always hanging out with someone else and not me then I get jealous. I was jealous when Mallory was going out with Joe, and when Matt and Mary were hanging out a lot. Ok enough of this shit.