ok so now i'm gonna go see a psychiatrist. finally. i need more than a friend or a parent. i need professional help. HELP! mary could be my psychiatrist but she's not. she's my best friend. it's not as if i don't want her helping me. i do. she helps me all the time. she's really the only one that ask why i want to cut. and she gives me some suggestions to help me figure out why I've been wanting to cut again. she figured it out. i honestly didn't know why i wanted to.
---- back to the psychiatrist. i told mrs. kassner that i 'sometimes think about suicide'. that's the only reason why she suggest i go see someone higher than her. she might be right. maybe. she said that she doesn't think 30 minutes a week is enough. now that is right.

my dad kind of blames himself for my thoughts. he says that if we wouldn't have moved then i wouldn't be like this. that's not true. yeah, i would be with my family more. i think i would get tired of seeing everyone. i already get tired of them and we only go to and visit everyone over a weekend once a month. my dad wants to try and help me. he's such a nice guy. he wants me to get into something (like a sport or music) so it will drive me away from all my bad thoughts. if we wouldn't have moved i might have something else wrong with me. like being a stoner or just a plain psycho. but my dad wants me, well he doesn't want me, he just asked if i would be interested in doing muic. yeah, i would. guitar. i want to write songs. turn my poetry into songs. deep songs full of love or hate. ----anywho. i want my puppy and punching bag still. my dad also suggsted the puppy business. hey, maybe i can get a car as well. ha. no. just kidding.

it seems a little ridiculous to be getting all of these prizes for the things i do and how i feel.

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