I'm finally happy. I've never felt like this before. So...free. I haven't cut for about 2-3 weeks now. That is really good. I have had the urge to about 2 times though. Only because I was so angry and I thought that cutting would make the anger go away. I still don't think that cutting was a bad thing. I'm disgusted with my cuts though. The only ones I like are the two words and an X. Everything else is unwanted. People know that I did. I wanted them to. I wanted people to see me. No, I didn't want that. I already knew they could see me. It was me that couldn't see myself. I hated myself. I still do. Not as much though. I've begun to accept who I am. What I've become. What I'll be. I don't even think my cuts were...true cuts. Do you? I mean...I didn't use a knife or a razor. I use needles, staples, safety pins. Anything sharp like that. I just wanted to make the anger go away. That's all. I don't know. I was weird back then. What am I saying. I'm still weird. People don't really show that they care anymore about me cutting. I wouldn't blame them. What else could they do? I pushed them away so much. I told them I would stop and then didn't. I broke my promises. I'm clean now. I guess you could say that. I feel so good. So happy. It's wonderful. I'm glad I'm like this. I still take anti-depressants. Everytime I don't take them I do feel suicidal. I was warned about that. Maybe someday I will be truly happy. I will smile with a real smile. Not one of those fake ones I would always show.

--Finished: -6/8/03- @ 12:33pm--