I only did it once. It wasn't even a true cut. Just a mark in the skin. I made that same mark again today. Nothing noticeable. Nothing I do ever is. Just once. One time. It was with my pencil. The tip of the pencil digging into my skin. Only leaving a mark. An unnoticed mark. I don't know why I did it. I don't think I'll truly cut myself. Hopefully. Just once. Today will be the second time. Leaving behind only a mark. An unnoticed mark. Hiding underneath my watch and bracelet. My jewelry covers up my mark just like I cover up my pain. I don't even think I have true pain. Pain that only I feel. No, I think I've gained so much of everyone elses pain that I claim it my own. My own special pain. Cut. Maybe I did it to be like everyone else. So I could then say I cut myself. That I have pain just like them. I want to be just like you. Just like them. Cut. It wasn't even a cut. Once. Just once. I glance at my wrist. Nothing there. It disappeared. Should I make another mark. I look at them and I see their cuts. So many. The cuts on their bodies only make me want to cut. Cutting. I only pushed the pencil against my skin a few times leaving behind a red mark that will soon disappear. I feel so obsessed with it already. It's drawing me towards more pain. Will I be able to control it if I start? I shouldn't start. No. Cut = only more pain. I can't have that in my life. My friends tell me to not start. I should listen to them, but it already has a grip on my soul. All I think about is cut. Why am I so addicted to something I haven't even succeeded in doing? I made one little red mark in my wrist and I'm addicted. Can this happen so fast? Will I begin turning those red marks into pure red blood? Hopefully not. I don't know why I'm like this. I guess I want to be like them. Like my friends. I'm so far away. Trapped in such a perfect world. I want some hate too. I want to do what you do. They just don't want me too. They try to stop me. They become so worried. Is that a good thing? Do I feel loved? (I know I'm loved) Change. I need to change these feelings. These thoughts in my mind are destroying everything. They're controlling everything I do. Cut. No. Must stop the thoughts. I musn't dwell on it all. No. I look at my friends, wanting to be them. But I don't want c u t t i n g in my life. Too much pain. I feel so ashamed. Thoughts of c u t t i n g inside my mind. I'm wanting to do something I hate. Something I fear. Something I don't really want to do. So afraid of the word c u t. If I do it once what will happen next? I'm scared to try it. Just once. It's like smoking. I want to try it only once. I'm afraid! Afraid of being addicted. More than I already am. Just once. One tiny cut. So small that it's unnoticeable. I don't want it to be unnoticeable though. I want people to see. I want people to ask, "What are you doing? Cutting yourself? Chelsey, why are you doing that?" People must know. Must know that I cut. I don't cut though. Maybe I just want to be noticed. To be thought of in their lives. I think of them, my friends, so why can't they just remember my name. Think of the pain. All of my shame. Yes pain. Me dwelling over something I've never done is really pathetic. Worried. All so worried. Only a few know. Only a few understand. Hear my plea. Must stop for them. For my friends. They're saving me. Stopping me from making a mistake that might cause great humility. I don't want that. No I don't.
Thank you everyone who has loved me and still loves me.Thank you all who have stayed by me and have supported what I've become and understand my actions. Thank you for being there when I needed you guys the most.Thank you.
-1/31/03-