I don't get it. How come I get rewareded for something bad that I did. You'd think I'd get punished for hurting myself, but I didn't. Maybe they're trying to cheer me up with these prizes. It's working. My dad suggested that I have a puppy. So I'll have someone to come home to and to keep me busy by taking care of it. My mom suggested that I get a punching bag. She says I have a lot of anger; she is so right. People make me mad easily. If someone is poking me and I'll tell them to stop because it hurts and they don't. I'll turn around and shove that person. I've already done that with two girls. I don't mean to do it. I just have all this anger bottled up inside of me and someone down the line is going to trigger something and set me off. Now back to whatever the heck I was talking about. Ok. When my mom found out I cut myself she was a little disappointed. She understands what I was feeling. When I told my dad (weel I showed him a poem talking about all of it) he talked to me about how great of a life I will have. How I don't always need friends because I can look out the window to watch a bird fly by and watch a plant sprout up from the ground without my friends. He is absolutely right. I just can't go on in life without my friends. He told me how he didn't have the greatest life. Maybe it was because of his brothers that made it good (ha has 5 of them). He said that maybe I need to be with my brothers. Nah. I don't think so. I don't think I'll mind my brothers knowing that I used to cut. I said that to my mom and she said I would. Yeah, she's right. Honestly I don't care if Steven knows because Steve doesn't really care about me. He's too much of a rebel to care about his little sister. Jason on the other hand. If he found out (which he will soon) he would blame me cutting myself on him because he wasn't up here (in Indiana) when I did it. He's so protective of me. I'm glad he is. I'll never tell Nate about me cutting. Not right now at least. Maybe when he's my age, maybe when he's in college. My mom told me that I'm going to go to college and find some guy that I fall head over heels for. Then we're going to get real close. Sometime down the line I'm going to tell him about this day, about when I used to cut myself. He's either going to think I'm one crazy person that needs help and leave me or stay by me and accept me for what I did. Understand my mistakes. That's all it is. It's one big mistake. I told my mom I wanted to see a psychiatrist. She said ok. I told my dad that and he laughed. I don't want to see my counselor because he'll see me at school. So I might go and see the Elementary counselor. I know I'll get better. I've already improved. I'm no longer ashamed of people knowing. I'm no longer afraid of my parents finding out or my brothers worrying.
"Hell has released it's demon"-me (meaning I'm no longer afraid. all the stress is gone. I don't have to keep cutting myself a secret.)
3/6/03