Restless
3/13/2002
I can hardly stand it anymore
I’d rather be anywhere than here
My mind wanders
And my eyes cannot focus
Anxiety grates me at the core
I just want to leave here;
I just want to be free
The boundaries were tolerable in my youth
But I have since outgrown it here
The limitations are stifling
And I feel as if I am about to suffocate
The jumbled mess of everything I feel is surfacing
I am discontent
I am restless

Untitled
2/10/2002
Come be with me...
Lay down with me
Under a canvas of starry twilight
As we get lost in the vastness
Of the infinite universe
Draw me closer to you
As teh warmth of our hearts
Shelters us from the night air
Whisper in my ear
As I shutter at your words
and am captivated by your promises
As I entertain the idea of forever

Paradox
12/16/2001
There is so much that is so good;
I do not want it to change.
Although, I admit that I have no idea
of what is exactly going on.
I've known nothing quite like this before.
What it is, it is not.
It's a paradox.
Messy yet beautiful;
Complicated but amazingly wonderful.
Just like you.

Beautiful
11/23/2001
I have no particulars--
nothing crafted to write you,
but just to think of you
brings poetry to my mind.
You deserve only the best--
the most beautiful there is.
In words.
In thought.
In a person.
You deserve the utmost
of which I am not.
And I must settle,
content in knowing that.
But while I've nothing to offer,
and I, myself, am so low
For you-- the most wonderful
I want to be made beautiful.

Imperfect Love
To love you is to obey.
Does that mean I lack love?
For I am always failing,
repeatedly I let you down.
There is a war of wills--
What you want for me
and what I want to do.
In utter honesty,
I do not want to surrender.
If I love you, I will not sin?
Yet I sin,
and I like it.
But those words are to scary to say--
"God, I don't love you."

Revival
2/4/2001
Revival.
I anticipate that high--
emotions and spiritual vitality.
Promises and commitments
this time, I'll keep.
Speak to me, Lord;
I'm listening.
Tell me what to do.
What shall I relinquish?
What should I grasp?
I'm ready.
Hands raised high
singing praises
while I scrutinize the sermon.
What does it mean to me?
The altar call is given.
I'm waiting.
I'm listening.
I hear nothing.

Mirror
2/4/2001
I look into the mirror,
and I am scared--
frightened by the monster
staring back at me.
Repulsively ugly;
simply unlovable.
Yet behind that face
no matter how loathsome
there are emotions
and a heart that feels.
There are dreams and goals
ambitions and desires.
Mostly a desire to be loved
and a longing to love.
That heart, which feels,
it's lonely.
No one around-- alone
except for me
and that monster staring back at me
in the mirror.

Club
1/14/2001
To simply go
throwing off my inhibitions
to be someone I am not.
Looking on the face of starngers
knowing I will never see them again.
Music pounding
to the core of my chest.
Bodies grinding
without a care.
Whores on stage
giving perverted men a show.
Part of me does not belong
while, sadly, in part,
this is who I want to be.

For Me
1/12/2001
I want to hear words
spoken only for me,
and read lines
not written of anyone
but myself.
Is it foolishness?
Is it vain conceit?
To desire to be the focus--
the focus of poems,
of words spoken
of dreams.
I am captivated
by each thought
revealed to me by you.
And I wait
with great anticipation
to read the words you've written
to recall the words you have spoken,
and to discover that they are only
and solely for me.

Illusion
1/3/2001
I've never seen your face,
but I've kissed your lips
within the hallucinations of my heart.
The cruel tricks my heart plays--
a misleading mirage,
water in the desert
for a heart that knows not love

How Dare You
4/12/2000
How dare you.
You came along out of nowhere
and sparked something within me
that I didn't know was there.
The warm glow in my heart
set my soul ablaze
only for you to leave me
and let me get burnt.
You have found new love,
and for that I rejoice.
Yet, that happiness for you
does not ease my pain.
I didn't want to fall,
but I did; I loved you.
I expected you to catch me,
but instead you walked away.
Instead of the clouds of dreams
that were to brace my fall,
I crashed throught it all
onto the grounded reality.

Games
3/22/2000
You stole my sunshine
and you buried my dreams;
You unplugged my virtual rainbow.
My technicolor day
faded into shades of black and gray,
as I stand alone in the shadow.
You broke into my heart
and started to play games;
You left it bandaged and bruised.
My mind became your playground
Spinning like a merry-go-round--
I'm left dizzy and confused.

Forest
5/1/99
I walked further into
the forest of your love.
The further I traveled,
the more consumed I became.
Trees of hope grew tall
reaching desperately for the sky,
and before I knew it,
I was so lost.
I was afraid of night fall
and the shadow cast by the darkness
that would someday
obliterate my happiness here.
With your startling revelation,
just as the cry of an eagle
The fire in my heart spread
only to destroy the forest.
The trees of hope
which once sheltered me
quickly fell to the ground
as the conflagration spread.
My view,
once jaded by lofty expectations,
became clear, unobstructed.
I was forced out love
and into reality.

Paranoia
4/2/99

I have this paranoia
which causes me to fear.
I wonder if the good things in life
are true and absolute,
or are they simply fleeting hallucinations
of a mind looking for a light in the darkness?
Is this high point merely the cliff
which will lead me back into the valley?
Is this a genuine river of hope
or just a mirage tantalizing my barren soul?
I lack confidence in the events of today
Instead of savoring the moment
I worry if it will still be here tomorrow.

Spasm
12/8/98
Sitting here
nervous twitch.
Oh well,
life's a bitch.
Shaking fast--
no control.
Losing mastery
of my soul.
Don't know
what's going on.
My hopes up,
thought trouble's gone.
It comes back
before I know.
I'm holding on
won't let go.
Victory's mine,
great joy, orgasm.
I won the war
against the spasm.

Land of Nothingness
11/3/98
I stand here, isolated
upon a limited platform;
No where to turn.
For the stable ground has eroded.
Cautiously, I look around,
examining my options
only to see none.
There is no way out.
No way for me to reach others;
Nor can others contact me
because I am alone.
Confined to my platform
looking out into the distance
I see nothing.
No place to run.
No where to hide.

Trespasser
10/1/98
Everyone tries too hard
to be part of your life.
They interfere
when simply you want to be alone.
They think they have you figured out.
They think they know you
when in the frankness of reality,
you don't even know yourself.
They want to march inside your world
like a life-long friend.
Yet, in all honesty,
You barely remember their names.
They are no friends;
they are uninvited guests--
trespassers.
You shut the gate,
but they manage to climb over.
Pushing their way into a world
of which you have shut them out.