I wasn't always this happy you know, in life or in love. It took awhile for me to get to this 'gold and glitter' place I revel in today. Sure my family has always loved me and still does but they didn't always "know". And to tell ya the truth I didn't quite mean for them to find out the way they did, but everything has worked itself out for the best...like it usually does, as I've discovered. But before there was Chey . . .

I met my first boyfriend, let's call him Dustin, when I was about 14. I was in high school and he was still in junior high school. He would ride his bike along beside me on the street as I walked home every day. I called Dustin my stalker. He eventually quit following me. But I don't guess either of us completely forgot about the other one.

Three years later we got to be friends again. By then Dustin was on the junior varsity football team. I was among the top 10 students in my class and always had my nose in a book. He started eating lunch at my table and then he dared to ask my morning ride for a regular ride to school too. I began to get the distinct feeling he was stalking me again.... LOL

But this time I didn't quite mind so much.

We hung out all the time at school and outside of school. Dustin shared my locker (probably because mine was in the senior hallway and he was still a sophomore). All this time I could have SWORN he was completely straight though cuz he never actually came on to me. He gave me no clues at all beyond extreme friendship. UNTIL the night of our friend Chad's party. I found out from someone else that Dustin was upstairs near tears because all nite I'd been talking about some other dude that I had this huge crush on. I couldn't believe that. I had to see for myself. But Dustin came downstairs before I had a chance to go up to him. He walked outside without looking at me and stood under a tree by the driveway. I followed him. We didn't say anything to each other at all. But somehow (I don't even remember how it happened now, it's so hazy, and at the time it was wonderful) we were kissing.

We were a couple (albeit a subtle-secret couple in OUR redneck high school) for the next 4 months. We even went to my prom...in a group...and didn't dance together. And then came my Graduation. Dustin got a job at a fast food restaurant and I tried to enjoy my last summer of freedom before college and real life. At this point, we had never had sex. I was still a virgin. He CLAIMED he was too. But then I finally gave into his pressuring (yes, I'm already aware that I'm stupid, thanks) and I let Dustin f*ck me. We only did it a few more times before he started pulling away from me both physically and emotionally. In June he told me he needed a few days to himself, to think about things. I KNEW that meant trouble. I should have been glad since I was already getting the distinct impression that Dustin hadn't been in this thing for forever, only sex. But of course I freaked out. I spied on him at work and one night he left the restaurant in a girl's car. They had been making out on top of it for awhile before they left.

Practically needless to say, we broke up. I was glad the pressure was off of me, but damn I felt absolutely broken that I was alone. That I'd failed in a relationship. That I couldn't make him stay true to me or even stay with me at all. But what hurt most of all was that my family didn't know. They didn't know I'd had a boyfriend. That he had been my entire world for the past five months. I thought that my parents didn't even know that their oldest son liked boys. I tried to keep my despair hidden as much as I could but finally I failed at that too. I swallowed a few too many pills out of the cabinet and called Dustin on the phone. He was with HER but he took the time to listen to what I had to say. I don't remember much of what that was though. I did tell him I planned to kill myself. And I do remember that he informed me quite plainly that he wasn't worth it. I slept awhile. I didn't die, obviously. And by the time college started in the fall, I'd come to terms with myself that Dustin really HADN'T been worth it. He hadn't been worth anything at all. He was a liar and a user and a cheater and I deserved better.

In college I met new people but not anyone in particular that I would consider hooking up with....for sex OR for forever. I finally came out to my parents and my brother (most of my friends already knew). Funny thing was my family already knew. They'd known for some time and were just waiting to hear the truth from my lips. I love these people!!!! I know that so many other gay kids DON'T get any positive support at home and many don't even want it. Many others are still too afraid to come out at home, and many shouldn't...especially if they believe it dangerous to themselves mentally or even physically. I just count my blessings every day that my own family ROCKS!

When I was twenty I did hook up with boyfriend number two. I met Jarrod at a bar and we slept together on our first date. And that is what our entire relationship was essentially based on: SEX. We had absolutely nothing else in common. Whatsoever. Jarrod was 29, about to be 30, and he lived with his best friend's father. Strange I know, but it worked out for them. I spent too many nights over there but still managed (through the alcohol and 'smoke') to pull A's in my college courses. I'm just that good. I just sucked so far at choosing boyfriends. Eventually I cheated on Jarrod, with more than one guy, and one morning I woke up knowing deep in my soul and foremost in my heart that I would never spend one more night with this man. It just was not "right" and could not happen any longer. I told him goodbye over coffee and our morning cigarettes and I haven't seen him since.

And then everything turned from wrong to right. I kept telling everyone I'd givin up on love and givin up on lust. I was just gonna be myself and be alone and that was just fine with me. But some of my friends felt differently. They thought I needed some fun. They thought I needed some ONE.

So I agreed to go out with this guy they'd picked out for me. At first I was uncertain and pessimistic about the whole date. They told me that Chey was hot, he had a good job: a career!, he was bi too, which told me from my limited Dustin experience that all "bi" meant was that the entire world was open to his heart and body rather than just the half of the population that was open to mine. But anyway, we met up (at a gas station no less, because he didn't live in our county and didn't know where anything was except for that gas station). My friend Missie was driving my car because I was too nervous to be behind the wheel. I ended up riding in his car (he didn't have the truck yet) with him that night to the club where we were to spend the next few hours getting to know each other. We drank a few, not too many. We played darts, he won. He tried to dance with me to a couple songs but I wasn't really prepared to get beat up in that place for putting my arms around another dude. It was just that type of place, but we did alright for ourselves in the subtle flirting department anyhow.

I couldn't get over how gorgeous Chey was. I still can't!! Dark curly hair, tan skin, buff body (oh my god, pecs! biceps too, WOW!), big dark eyes that scream 'I wanna stare at you forever cuz I've never seen anything in my whole life that's captivated me like you do', perfect pink lips which speak the most amazingly soft and honest phrases (not usually whole sentences, he's not a caveman, just not very eloquent either LOL), and the gentlest touch I've ever felt on my arms, my shoulders, my neck, my cheek. I'm very very ticklish but that nite I thought Chey would be able to touch me anywhere and I'd never squirm. I didn't really get the chance to find out though, which turns out to be one of those unanswered prayers you always hear about. When our date was over, I leaned back casually against his car and he stood on the outside across from me, his arm outstretched to balance against his car and almost touching my shoulder. I imagined he had me half-trapped there. And I'm almost embarrassed to admit that I liked that feeling. With my friend waiting in my car for me, Chey asked me if he could see me again. I gave him my phone number. And then, almost hesitantly as if he thought I may not let the most wonderful, handsome man I'd ever met kiss me, he leaned in and our lips met. Right there in front of a redneck sports bar. But I forgot all about that and all I knew was Chey. Chey's breath and Chey's warmth. And then the kiss was over and we got in our cars and went home. I thought I'd never sleep again, I was that excited. But I did sleep and I dreamed of Chey.

He bought a house in my town where I both lived at home and still went to college. He worked around here anyway and so now he wouldn't have to commute as far. At least that's his story. I'm not planning on disputing it here. We went out for more than 2 months before we ever made love. He told me about a year later, as I was moving in with him, that if I'd given myself to him any sooner he most likely would have called everything off and stopped seeing me. He wasn't into all that superficial, shallow, lust-driven relationship crap. He was done with that and wanted something and someone real. And I knew that was what I wanted to. It was like destiny put us together at that point in our lives.