Soweto I was seeing spots. Not that I hadn't eaten a thing, or that I was even exhausted. I stood there looking at him feeling my anger and frustration bubble up as he told me that –I- was in the wrong for standing up for myself. I was smiling but, I wasn't happy at all. I just kept blinking as I looked at him, incredulous that he would peg the blame on me when I was all but shoved aside and disrespected in front of his face. It didn't start out this way. I didn't start out the day washing the blood off my hands, I didn't wake up today with a plan to dismember my best friend so that he could easily buried in the clearing a few blocks behind my apartment building. I woke up and knew that it was going to be a bad day. I had the day off from work, my feet were aching from standing up all day yesterday and pulling a double at the restaurant, I got home at my usual four A/M check in time and all but collapsed in bed, managing to wriggle out of my work clothes before hand. My body didn't put up any kind of fight that it usually did before settling in for a deep sleep. I was spent and my body craved the rest more than I actually thought I did. My move from home wasn't exactly prepared so I made due with what I owned on the move. My bed, just two mattresses on the hardwood floor was enough. Infact, it gave me the idea to make my little room my own little Zen nook. As soon as my head hit the only pillow I owned, I was fast asleep until ten thirty this morning. I was shaken awake by the rhythmic drip of a leaky roof, too tired to make a call, I pushed my bed to the other side of the room and got a bucket to catch the water. I only got a half hours rest after that before my ceiling….caved in. A huge crash was what got me rolling out of bed before I even had time to open my eyes. When I looked up, the plaster that was my ceiling had clumped up and dropped onto my bedroom floor because of the rain that was set to remain pouring all through the weekend. I made the call to my landlord… No one was home, and then I bolted to the janitors apartment to show what was really happening in my poorly kept one and a half to which he replied his hands were tied. He gave me a few buckets and told me to wait it out. So I did, I expected someone to come over before the day was out but, as morning melted to afternoon I started to worry. After having taken a relaxing bath, I turn the faucet on to brush my teeth and that comes off in my hand, I can't turn the water off and the drain isn't draining fast enough. I tried to turn it myself but only resulted in splitting the skin of my thumb up. So I took one of my rain catching bucket and used it as best as I could, under the sink. Suddenly my one and a half just began feeling like a half, so I called my best friend and told him I needed to talk. He said he was with other people but, that it'd probably do me good to just hang out. Mark is usually right about these things so, I got dressed and hopped down to the coffee shop There were just two other people with him, his friend Justice and another girl. I was so stressed that I barely even said hello to either of them, and either way Justice doesn't bother to talk to me anymore since the movie night at my place. I sat down and just didn't know what to say or where to start. I was busy shredding my bottom lip when Tony walked passed our table. I've seen Tony about and we live in the same complex, though he had left for awhile to go backpacking around Europe. "Hey! Long time no see" I didn't even have the strength to respond to him really. I couldn't get my mind off of how much things were literally falling apart on me, wondering if everyone's first apartment experience runs in like my third one was. Mark had gotten caught up in a convo with Justice and the other girl, even their peals of friendly laughter provided a more twisted background to how my mind was spiraling already calculating the trouble and money I'd lost in the only place I could call home. "How's it goin?" It was that one little question that broke the damn. Although I came to the shop for Mark, Tony was there and I just started telling him EVERYTHING. I didn't ask him for any advice, nor did I ask him to help me out, I just kept talking and feeling every wave of frustration going higher and higher as I went deeper into detail about the crumbling nook I call home. I must have lost a semblance of sight because when I blinked, Tony was gone and Mark was handing me a cup of coffee with one of his it'll be okay smiles. "Pissed I take it." I chuckled and took the cup of coffee and nodded. "So angry" and again, I went into explaining how many things have been going wrong in the apartment and how I was so frustrated, and while I was talking, the blonde Justice was with turns around, eyes me up and down as if I had just spit in her mouth. "Excuse me, I'm trying to have a conversation here and it's getting kinda hard to do that with you rambling on back there. I mean, if you have that many problems take it to someone who gets paid to listen to them" Usually, and I say usually, I'm able to keep my anger in check. I haven't met her, she knows nothing about me and I know nothing about her but, it was the air she took on to interrupt me, and the way she addressed the conversation I was not even having with her that made my anger trip out. Mark only sat back and proceeded to join Justices conversation with her which further fueled my unchecked temper. "Listen you CUNT, just because everyone's attention isn't on your beautiful blue eyes and silky blonde hair doesn't mean you can step on me to get it back. If you were bothered by me in the first place, a simple inquiry to take my convo somewhere else would have worked. Don't blame me for your own fucking insecurities." And it was at this point where Justice chimes in as well. " No one wants to hear about your problems. WE came here to talk and hang out, not to become a support group" Mark then stood to his towering six feet and furrowed his brow at me as if I was the kid that stole the cookies from the cookie jar. " C'mon, they're right." and that did it. I was smiling, but I wasn't happy, I was even chuckling but nothing was funny. I began to feel my heart slap against my ribcage and those spots I mentioned before were floating by, some blotches were even big enough to shadow Marks face over. I wanted to choke him. I saw myself break my coffee cup and use a shard to slice open his trachea and watch him bleed his life out. I saw myself taking that girls head and smashing it on the table, pulling her head back so that she too choked on her teeth and blood. I saw myself grabbing Justice by his unmentionables and twisting hard enough to feel veins pop and watch him choke from sheer pain. I saw all of this but acted on none of it. " I can't believe you'd actually stand there and watch them fucking shove me around like that. I can stand up for myself cuz I could care less about Justices' cheatin ass or this stupid blond cuntbag next to him but –you. You Mark, of all people should at least give me the benefit of the doubt. I called you and said I needed to talk and now you're telling me not to…You're just as childish and as immature as they are, and I would have never pegged you for such a little piece of shit in my life." And with the tension still pressing on my chest, the chuckle in my throat and the same rainbow blotches filling the invitingly warm and dry coffee shop, I left and decided to walk to fourteen blocks in the spitting rain, home to try and calm myself down. I was still on a downward spiral. So deep was my fall that I didn't notice that Mark had followed me all the way home as I hopped the fence to cut through the clearing of trees before walking the other eight blocks to my box of an apartment. " Just stop walking alright." His voice came as an honest surprise as I did stop to check if I had finally gone insane or if he did take in the exercise and follow my march all the way here. "What" "Justice is right. You knew I was with people. It isn't fare of you to just go on rambling so avidly about your problems while people are tyring to enjoy themselves." "So I'm supposed to just sit and wait for a proper time to vent?! When have I ever told you to wait? When have I ever told you that even though I was stressed that I didn't wanna hear about your problems?!?!" "You just don't get it. It isn't about you. It's about respect." "RESPECT?!?! I told you I was pissed, I CALLED you and said I needed to talk an-" "Yeah but you could have waited. I mean shit, you rambled off to Tony who all but left while you were talking and you barely took notice" "That's because I'M FUCKING STRESSED MARK! I AM DAMN WELL STRESSED! I came to you to VENT not to ask you to help me deal with the disaster of my crumbling apartment. I don't know but I thought friends were there to give a shoulder when you needed it. I'm not asking you to jump through hoops. It's not different than what you ask of me." "Yeah but Justice was getting annoyed, that's his friend." "She could be the fucking POPE for all I cared. I didn't come for them, I came for you. But it's fine. Just keep to your friends, and leave me alone. I didn't figure you were that two faced." " You can barely figure anything. It's a wonder you were even born." Now at this point, I began not to think on what he said, but WHY he said it. I don't know at what point I laid down and let him wipe his shoes on my back. I don't know how he could call me his friend then further push me like he did. He knew I was angry. This wasn't the first time I got angry while he was around. But I guess he just never took me seriously. On the one hand, I feel sorry that he had to find out this way, but on the other hand, I've been shoved around so much, that even though my hands are covered with blood, I'd still do it again to prove my point. I remember looking to my feet and seeing the rock, I started to cry because I knew it was going to happen. I even tried to tell him to leave me be. "Mark, don't push me." " Don't talk to me like that, I think you should at least turn around and apologize to Justice and his girl. You're being immature. ... Back