Mood
confused

sometimes, i wonder.... are the things in life, we end up with, the things that are bad for us in the begining?? or are we just destin to fuck up in the begining and be known for that and the become someone great in the end? sometimes i wonder if the things in life that i want... are they worth holding on to... are they worth the tears, pain, frustration, and waiting? or in the end, is it just going to fall to shit and i'm going to be the laughing stocko f the damn world. the nice-ness everyone presents me, i wonder if it's because one wrong move by somebody, and they know i'm going home to cry. no, i don't cry as much as everyone FUCKIN THINKS. i hate when people are like, "oh god you're so emo." they say bein depressed sometimes is emo. what the fuck. get your damn trends correct cunt licking assholes. i know some people say it to make me laugh, and i'm greatful for those people. those people who know when a girl needs a friend, someone she can run to to just hold her and listen to her, wipe away her tears and look at her and go, "girl, you're so crazy." and make me laugh. i am so greatful for those people. without them, i don't know what i would do. perhaps, never laugh! hah, impossible. i get entertanied with a crinkled up napkin *oh god, tiffany. damn church napkins! haha, terry, tyler!* you know, friends are hard to find. sure i can walk down the street, and become "aquantinces" and say friends. but really, what is a friend? someone you've known for a long as time, pretty much, GROWN UP WITH THEM. and when you lose contact for 3 years, and find them again, you're so happy, but they seem to not care? are those friends? i had that happen. quite recently. two boys, twins. my best friends. i love them so much. they mean the world to me. knew one of them since kinder, then i left california, to live with my dad. came back, two years later, fucked up as fucking hell, and found out, HE HAD A TWIN! i couldn't tell them apart for shit. i'd jus yell, NICOS! or DEMITRIS! they'd turn around! haha. they were my best friends, and boy did i have a crush on them. but i knew, i was to damn shy for a boyfriend. time went on... and we drifted apart. but always seeming to find each other.but until recently... demitris seemed to... not care i found him. but who cares. i've lost so many friends... i don't want it to happen. i lost a loved one too. and everyone thinks i'm crazy now... just because, i won't let something go. when you lose... someone so damn dear to you... you tend to get scared... and will do anything to defend something that is yours. people, hah. what a joke this world has come to. conartists, n scammers. fuck the world. i'd rather live on uranus then be here. god damn war going on, FOR FUCKING OIL!! got to have the most oil, if you don't give us oil, we'll kill your innocent and half your army! i hate bush. i hate this war. so many young children are dead and dying because of this war. if you want to fight a war, fight the world hunger war. or even the aid war. that would be something heroic. not some damn war over the fuckin little fossil fuel the world gave us. so many children in africa and asia... hungry and dyinf. no food, water, shelter, clothing. or the right protection against anything. it made me so sad to watch live 8. to see these children and what to fly over there... only to know you'd want to take back each and every single one of them, and give them a future. but when you think about it... you can't do a damn thing. i hate the world. i hate most of the people in it. i hate being white. damn white supremise. people take one look at me, and go "oh fuck, she's prejudice." like they can read me? i'm so shy, if another WHITE person came up to me... i'd freak... if im so damn predudice, why are my best friends: puerto rican, gutamalain, spanish, gyuanese, welsh, and *nabil, what are you?* why do i only have like, 20 white friends out of the, million people i know? answer me that... i fucing hate this. i hate bein me. i hate bein me bacause no one knows what it's like. i got a father who drinks his damn problems away, and when i need the money for braces and shit i need, "oh, sorry anna..." this shit is wack... i need a reality i can live. not watch. i need a life... i thought about taking the pills my mom took. but everyone was against it.... because, it wouldn't have been me... maybe their right... maybe... i just need to relax... and sit back...
-anna.