Dear Diary,

Ever get that feeling you're ruining your life?  I don't know, maybe not those words exactly...  It's just, like, all I can see are flaws.  Here's where I list them, (YAY! My favorite song!) but on the off-chance someone finds this place or takes the time to look for it..*laughs* like hell.  But why am I sticking this here then anyway?  It's like what I read once.  You put it on the 'net because it's a secret, but you just really want people to know.  And I guess it's kinda true.  You're reading this aren't you?

Anyhow, yeah.  The flaws.  I see them and I've been reading books about how your whole life is based on the person you are..(well, duh!)  But it's so intimidating!  I'm just really afraid I'll skew my future.  Examples of current problems due to flaws:  No student loan (cause I was too lazy to remember to apply till now when the fees are due), bad grades (cause I don't study enough or put effort in), not going to fellowship (because I don't want to [oh! look! I said it!] and because I ...don't want to.), and a sucky life in general... which affects the people around me and I'm pushing them away because I feel all..suffocated, kinda.  It happens.  Been there, done that.

Oh!  And while I'm on the rant of "bad life it sucks", here's a question for you:  When you're doing a group project is it too much to ask for people to do their part?  I mean, HELLO!  In my world, formatting means "making the overall product look nice."  It does not, like it apparently does in this world, mean that I will do all your bibliographies because you were too lazy yourselves to send me the information which means I had to go to each individual page to figure out authors and etc. OR that I will do the work and money spending no one else will!  And if I want to get a few lines of notes that I'm missing, that I told you about beforehand only to have the binder suddenly cleared out or my head bitten off, what kind of reason do I have to be nice and let you copy 2 pages of MY notes that you didn't get because you didn't have paper?  Especially if you usually stop copying notes off the board halfway on your own time?  And how pissed off do you think I'd be if you held them hostage because you wanted me to spend time with you, only to tell me they didn't help and return them water stained, other stuff stained, wrinkled, and ripped at the edges?  Especially since MY notes are 99% of the time none of the above and maybe dog eared a bit from hurrying?  And you wonder why I'm suddenly overly sarcastic and biting?  Besides the whole clingyness factor... spend time with other friends too!  You have them!  People give me headaches... so do computers, and other stuff *rubs at temples but doesn't really because she normally ignores the headaches*  Sometimes I think I'm really just too nice.  Then sometimes I think I'm really mean.

Wonder what corner of the earth Ashleigh disappeared to...^^

So, in conclusion, I'm ruining my life of my own accord, annoyed at my friends,  can't see the others, avoiding the rest, and now listening to a song I don't like.

"What if I kill you?"

"Trust me.  Won't help."

"Hmm, that's gloomy!"

"That's life."

"Come now, is that really what you feel?  Isn't life a miraculous thing?"

"I think you already know."

~ Sweet and Buffy